Next year

I want to experience a certain night and a very naughty drive that I had in Dublin with my other half. This time I want to do it on, in and with an Aston Martin. That night was one of the best nights of my life. Yes it could be love! It is certainly mind blowing sex.

I want to experience the pleasure of sharing a bottle of Chateaux D'Y Quem with someone who is able to appreciate it. Hopefully that person is my other half.

I hope to finally find the inner peace I have been searching so long and hard for in 2010.

One of my ambitions in 2010 would be to finally stop all of the hurting and expressing myself using extreme things like cutting. I managed it once in 2009.

The final countdown

It is the end of the year, the phrase that comes into my mind is thank fuck for that. Rather than writing a huge blog about this year I thought I would list some of the best moments, the worst moments and the quite frankly weird moments.

The Best Moments

Meeting my other half, may she continue to rock my world!
Passing my certificate in business studdies at the Open University
Being tweeted and getting music recommendations from Sharon Corr
Finally managing to express myself without using my usual extreme methods
Making up with my long term friend and being able to be open with her

The worst moments

I think we can all safely say March was my worst and horrific point
Falling out with a long term friend. My world is a better place with her in it.
Apologising to a Royal Mail van after it hit me. (I naturally tend to do this)

The weird and wonderful moments.

Conversations on Twitter between @Sharon_Corr and @MrsStephenFry
A conversation on Twitter about the words fuck and c**t
Thanking and being grateful to a cashpoint. (Again that is me)
Buying that copper pan, being proud enough about it to post on Facebook and Twitter


Over the last 12 months I have been to hell and back, learn't a huge amount about myself, met some great people, tweeted with people who rock, bought some great things, listened to a huge amount of music. I intend to finish 2009 rocking along with the world!

To my friends, thankyou and may 2010 be as great as you! To those who have stood by me and supported me through the bad times, Thankyou! my world is a better place with you in it. Here is to a stunning 2010 together. Lastly to my friend, there is a permanent place in my heart for you.

P.S

There are a few other very memorable things but due to their nature I can't put them on here ;)

31st December

Anyone who has read my blog will know about about March 8th and my reaction to it this year. I am still suffering the consequences of my suicide attempt. My therapist says I was probably my most dangerous and lowest point since the birth and death of my eldest daughter and my wife. There are other dates but none of them are as bad as March 8th with one exception. The exception is 31st December.

Nothing specific has happened to me or anyone I love on this date, yet I have a passionate dislike of the new year. The ghosts of all the bad things that have happened to me kick off in a big way. In March I have loads of support, in the new year I have none. I have never liked new years eve! March is about grief and loss, new year isn't.

The best way I can describe it is fighting against myself. It starts as a niggle and has been that way for a few days now. The urges to self harm have started. This year I am determined to get through without any problems. If anything to prove to the world that I can do this.

The death penalty

In the next few hours a British man is due to be executed in China by firing squad. He was convicted of smuggling 4kg of heroin. This man has a severe mental illness and the court didn't take this into account when passing sentence. They haven't taken into account evidence presented at appeal and to make matters worse he has only just been told that he is going to die.

I am sure everyone will agree that this is wrong on so many levels. The Chinese have the power to stay the execution so all the evidence can be presented, to commute the sentence and to grant a pardon. It seems that nothing sort of a miracle is going to stop this execution. Justice is supposed to be fair and equal for all!

I am pro life and am 100% against the death penalty. I do not believe it serves justice especially in non violent cases. This man needs medical attention not a bullet in the head. Can't the Chinese deport him to the UK to serve his sentence or receive treatment? Executing him serves no one.

I hope when I get up tomorrow that sense has prevailed and this execution has been stopped.

Cheapest therapy session ever!

This morning I was feeling a bit down and not really myself so I thought I walk into the city and buy some things I needed for my house. What I got was the cheapest therapy session thanks to the mindless drones, sorry people of my city.

On the way to Starbucks I watched an argument between some pedestrians and a driver who had obviously jumped the red light and nearly hit them. After my much needed hot chocolate I wandered into Marks and Spencer. In M&S we had people actually panicking, one of them said she was like that incase she had missed something. People looking dazed and confused, people blocking everywhere and staff being useless as usual.

Seriously people it is the sales and not the end of the world. Is it really the end of the world if you don't manage to buy something you are never going to use, at a slightly reduced price? Why did it make me feel better? Well I am in a position in life where I don't need to follow the mindless heard. I don't need to waste a huge amount of money and then spend the rest of the year in debt as a result.

Thankyou for making me feel better about myself for the cost of a hot chocolate.

New Traditions

As everyone knows Christmas is almost here. This is one of the times of the year where my family and especially my daughters are on my mind constantly. I think about them all of the time, as well as the usual Christmas activities I want to do something personal for my daughters.

Christmas is a time for families so I have decided that every year I will buy 2 extra special decorations for the tree one for each of my baby daughters. This year it is 2 baubles, one with snowmen on and the other with santa on.

Yesterday I bought them on the way to work and I have put them in pride of place on the Christmas tree so everyone can see them. I was quite an intense experience as I hadn't told anyone I was going to do it.

Deck the halls...

It isn’t very long until Christmas and I hope you are all ready for Christmas? Today’s blog is inspired by a wonderful lady that I have met on Twitter. Dottymummy you rock! It is also partly to make me feel more normal. Today is going to be my letter to Santa as hopefully he has put me on the nice list this year, here goes!

Dear Santa

Please may I have the following for Christmas as I have been nice this year? The last two things are what my heart desires the most. I know they are unrealistic but I would quite happily give up everything for them.

Hot Chocolate from Butlers Chocolates, www.butlerschocolates.com/default.asp

An Irish rugby top as I have worn through mine.

A beosound 6 from Bang & Olufsen, I know this is very expensive but it would get a massive amount of use as music is a huge part of my life. http://www.bang-olufsen.com/beosound6

Vouchers from either HMV, EIL.com, or ITunes as I spend a small fortune each year on music.

A good quality milk pan so I can make decent hot chocolate.

To be with and hold my daughters again, I miss them so much.

To be accepted for who I am and not be constantly judged because of some scars. They are only a small part of who I am and I wish people could look past them and see the real me.

Merry Christmas

Michael

Insurance

Yep today I am going to talk about insurance, boo, hiss and all that. Most of us will have some form of insurance whether it be car, home, travel or life insurance. I work within the insurance industry and today I am going to give you all some advice. This isn't mean to sound patronising and most of it is common sense but you would be surprised how many people ignore this.

1. Make sure you declare everything and be honest! That includes speeding convictions and claims. If you have been in an accident you are required to inform your insurance company and yes it does have to show on your insurance. Failure to disclose information can and does result in increased premiums, declined claims, insurance refusal and in certain cases criminal convictions. We can and do check the information you provide!
2. No claims discount. Just because you are named on a policy does not mean you have no claims discount. If you cancel a policy mid term you will loose that years no claims discount. Telling insurance companies the wrong amount of no claims discount can result in huge premium increases for you. If they ask you to provide proof then provide it! There are insurance companies that will cancel your policy over incorrect no claims discount.
3. Read your documents! Once we provide you with the policy documents the onus is on you read them. It will spell out what we will and won't cover and any charges.
4. If you cancel your policy after the cooling off period you WILL be charged for it. When you take out a policy you are told about any charges and they are in the documents. Shouting, screaming or being rude about it doesn't help and won't get charges waved. They form part of the contract that you agree to when you take out the policy.
5. Direct debit, annual card authority policies automatically renew. You agree this when you take the policy out. Do not ignore your documents.
6. If we send you a letter about payments on you policy then respond to it!
7. It is illegal to backdate insurance. So if you call to set up a policy it can only be started from the day you call onwards.
8. Make sure you have the correct information with you when you speak to us. We can't guess and it saves you having to call back when you do have the correct information.

Lastly I want to talk about cancelling the policy. Only the policy holder can cancel an insurance policy regardless of who pays for it. Cancelling a direct debit at the bank does not mean your insurance policy is cancelled. If you want to cancel a policy then you must phone the insurance company and tell them, if they want it in writing they will ask for it.

Christmas

I thought I would spend some time writing about Christmas and what it means to me. It feels like the real meaning of Christmas is being lost thanks to shops that have dragged the build up to the point of it being in the summer. I have also had friends going on about it for weeks.

So what is the meaning of Christmas?

Well as a child it was about writing Christmas lists, finding where the presents were hid and guessing what we had been bought and then telling our friends about all of our presents. Later on it was about unwrapping presents that I was grateful to get but the element of surprise had gone as I was told to write exactly what I wanted. The avoiding the arguments and then feeling slightly down when friends told me about there wonderful Christmas.

Christmas for me is about families and giving. Being surrounded by those you love and cherish the most and the happiness that brings. I have the perfect Christmas in my mind and I know that it isn't going to happen this year, that doesn't stop me from hoping one year I will have the Christmas I have always wanted.

I will be on my own over Christmas and it is highly unlikely that I will be opening any presents on Christmas day but this no longer concerns or upsets me, as hopefully through giving I have improved someones day just a little bit. This is more important to me that material presents. The things I want and need in life can't be unwrapped, I have already tweeted about one such thing.

Michael x

a plate of boiled potatoes

You could quite rightly call today's blog a bit bizarre as I will be talking about a plate of boiled potatoes. Not that I ever would but if I served you a plate of boiled potatoes on their own or with gravy you would be well within your rights to say "what the fuck?" Now serve it to me and I will be a happy bunny and grateful. I know it is strange but it is true.

A plate of boiled potatoes for me is a treat that I will actually look forward to and will eat it even if I have a house full of food. It is a simple dinner to prepare which I will happily eat regardless of what is going on. I can’t really explain why I like this dinner so much but it is cheap and easy to make.

Drink Driving

I don’t care if my next statement offends or upsets you but I have a personal hatred of drink drivers and believe there is no excuse for it what so ever. I remember one day when I was walking to school and watched this car hit a barrier. The driver got out of the car took a drink out of a bottle of cider, looked at his car before driving off. Later on I attended a road accident where a young driver had been drinking and lost control of his mum’s brand new car. He hit a wall and bounced off the wall before hitting other cars. Again he was too drunk to work out what he was doing. I have personally known one man arrested for drink driving whilst waiting for a court appearance for another drink driving incident. I have also been on the receiving end from people under the influence of alcohol.

In my employment I regularly deal with people who have drink driving conviction and the amount of excuses and complaints about the police, convictions and insurance I hear are silly. One thing that gets me is the amount of times I hear “it wasn’t my fault” err yes it is your fault and you are going to get no sympathy from me. You choose to drink, you choose to drive and you deserve everything you get. I firmly believe that if you kill someone whilst driving the minimum charge should be manslaughter.

There are calls to lower the legal limit and I fully support this and would also like to see the penalties drastically increased and include things like cars being crushed.

Sorry

Ok, I try and maintain certain standards in my life and how I come across to everyone both online and offline. Recently online and especially on Twitter I have let that standard drop completely to the point that my tweets have at times upset and offended people. That was wrong and I would like to say I am sorry for it.

Linen and Chocolate

I wanted to say how impressed I am with Thomas Ferguson Irish Linen. I recently ordered a duvet cover from them and my parcel arrived from them on Friday but I found they had sent me the wrong item. It took literally 5 minutes for this to be resolved and they are paying for the item to go back to them by courier and my duvet cover should be with me soon. Why am I impressed with them? They took 5 minutes to resolve something which other companies take days or weeks to resolve.

I have decided to try and save money by not using Starbucks for my usual hot chocolate treat and by making myself a similar sized hot chocolate at home. Even with having the chocolate sent to me from Ireland by http://www.butlerschocolates.com/default.asp I still think I am going to save around £30 a month.

Musings part 2

October is breast cancer awareness month and I have to say how impressed I am with one lady in particular on twitter who has managed to raise over £1500 for charity in a few days. I believe she managed £500 in one day. How did she do this? By posting a picture of her in a bra and using the power of Twitter. So @Helen_b some serious kudos for you!

After going to my tutorial yesterday I decided to wander around the city do a bit of shopping as you do. Some of you may know that I am trying to design my perfect house, which is partly a distraction and partly if I am going to settle down somewhere then I want it to be the perfect house. I had been walking past this shop called Fired Earth which is an interior design place for ages and decided to go in to try and find some paint that I had been looking for.

I hadn’t noticed that my late wife’s sister was sitting on a bench outside the shop. I walked out of the shop and was happily putting my sample in my bag when I hear her say “what shop is that” someone sitting next to her said it was an interior design shop. She says “my sister used to do that” bursts into tears and walks rapidly away. I realise who it is and try to find her but can’t. So now I am also upset and feeling very delicate again.

The Hilton Nottingham is a fairly posh hotel in the centre of Nottingham and I had the pleasure of staying there after I had been to a charity event during the day and a ball in the evening. The ball itself went well. I think I was one of the first to leave which was unusual for me but that is a different story, I left everyone at 1:30am. The first thing I noticed when I got back to my hotel room was how cold it was; seriously it was freezing in that room. Great hotel, pity they don’t know the meaning of heating.

Compliments

I have decided to write this blog today because I am a little bit miffed with ladies that get offended when you give them a compliment or those who brush it off or ignore it. It seems to be happening all of the time. Now just because I pay you a compliment does not mean I want to get into your knickers! If I fancy you, have feelings for you, whatever then I am going to do more than just pay you a compliment.

I try to be as honest and as genuine as I can with everyone I meet so when I pay you a compliment it is because I am appreciating you, the time and effort you have put into something or what you are wearing. I am sure you get the picture! Also I am not the sort of person who will constantly dish out the compliments as they don’t sound genuine in the end. As I have said when I pay you a compliment it doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you, want anything in return, although a simple thankyou tends not to ruin the mood.

I have a question would you rather get a compliment or sit there for the day etc feeling like no one appreciates you or the effort you have put into something? I am afraid you can’t have it both ways with this.

I am probably one of the least confident people I know in certain cases. I very rarely get compliments and although at times I may not understand or appreciate it but I still say thankyou. If you are actually insulted by a compliment then you seriously need to look at yourself and ask why you’re acting like that, especially if we are friends.

Dublin

Can I just say I fucking love Dublin!!

I had booked into a place called Bridge House Guest House on Parliment Street and was checked in for a whole 30 minutes before I checked out. To put it mildly it is a fucking dump of the lowest order. Seriously they don't know what cleaning or decorating is. I paid over the odds to stay in that place and have lost my money but that is not the point. I wanted to warn as many people as possible. I am now booked into the Harding Hotel which is a billion times better than that hole. SAVE YOUR MONEY AND STAY AWAY FROM THAT PLACE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Ok so my love affair with Dublin continues and is as hot as ever. This is my home and where I want to live. Any doubts have been cast out of my mind. I am currently going around as many galleries and places as possible. I must admit I have very very litttle sleep and it is self inflicted, believe me i am not complaining as it was for all of the right reasons. I am quite literally fucked ;o)

I posted on Twitter that I would be a happy bunny if it was hot and sunny when I arrived and someone was listening as it was glorious! It is now pissing it down but hey a little bit of rain never hurt anyone!

Tomorrow if the weather is good I am going to Malahide and then for a picnic type thing at the castle. if not then I will find something else to do. Tonight I am off to the theatre.

Time to get a bit more positive

Today’s blog is going to be nothing but positive so sit back and enjoy the ride!

I think I may have posted before that I have ordered more Irish linen and can’t wait for it to arrive. Once I have the full set I will have spent nearly £1000 on it. I plan to save it until I can share it with someone special. You are going to know I am serious if I am using that on the bed ;o)

I am also still waiting for a truck load of new goodies to arrive from various parts of the world. It is going to be like Christmas come early.

I seriously love Dublin to the point that I will be living there again in the near future. I am back there on the 5th October. The best way I can describe Dublin is like Marmite, you will either love it or hate it and quite frankly I can’t get enough of it. Everyone knows I have a thing about the Irish accent but I also love the chilled madness about the city.

Bewleys on Grafton Street for breakfast is like a tradition for me and it will be happening as per normal. The food is great, the building is stunning! Having a cooked breakfast next to an open fire on cold winters day, is there anything better? I think not!

Gallaghers Boxty House is another must for me, it is traditional Irish food. The first time I went there did it for me and I am now a firm fan of the place and recommend it to everyone. I watched the waitress who served me perform with an Orchestra the previous day and she waved goodbye as I left after finishing my meal.

Malahide Castle will be another place that I visit regularly when in Dublin, The perfect place for a picnic in the summer and they have a great cafe for food if not.

There are a fair few art galleries in Dublin but my favourite is the Royal Hibernian Academy. I always find time to visit it and take my time going around the galleries.

I have spent many Sunday afternoons in St Stephen’s Green Park sitting in the sun with a book, CD player and a small amount of food. It is a large park in central Dublin.

If you haven’t been to Ireland then it is a must. It is an experience that you won’t forget

Update on the message

Yesterday I did something that I should have done a long time ago and ended a very friendship that had lasted over 9 years. Throughout my life I have been through abuse that has resulted in a need for love and attention that means I tend to repeatedly go back to those who hurt and abuse me. I am not sure if the fault is with me or those who have abused me but that isn’t important at the moment. What is important is what I am doing about it.

My friend and I were very close and had been through a huge amount together and our friendship would develop into more when she left her husband, I would end up being heartbroken every time she went back to him. I accepted this was part of our friendship and would ignore my feelings when it happened.

The comment I previously posted about was “I hope that makes you pregnant” and I knew then I had said the wrong thing even though it was so significant to me. I am sure I don't need to go into further detals about the where and when. I was cast iron in my decision not to have any more children and very public with it. With her I would have changed that decision.

There was the incident recently which resulted in me being assaulted, I was given a very clear message but she laid it on thick. She said allot of things and great, sorry no make that stunning sex. Things started getting public but it didn’t take me a huge amount of time to find out that she was lying yet again. I have been made to look very silly and that is where my limit is.

Regardless of what is happening inside, this time I am not prepared to take it. I am really angry with myself but livid with her. I have lost my final close friend but hopefully gained some self respect.

London Fashion Week

Ok I am going to start with the London fashion week. If you don’t know when London fashion week is then a fairy good indicator is when we get size zero reports on the news and the yearly reports saying about pro anna websites and how they should all be shut down and tighter controls on them.

For those who don’t know what I am talking about when I say pro anna, I mean pro anorexia websites that people. These vile websites encourage people; give support and guidance on the best ways for people to lose as much weight as possible. Women who lose as much weight as possible are seen as role models. These websites do not support people in recovery, they make matters worse.

Organisations like b-eat have been calling for these websites to be shut down for years with the support of a huge amount of people but only tend to get news coverage around the fashion week. It really fucks me off. I am not saying that companies should stop using thin models but there is a huge difference between thin and unhealthy models. They shouldn’t use anyone who is below the minimum BMI for their height etc.

Likewise the government and internet service providers should close down all pro anna websites!

Chilling

Even by my standards I was being particularly vicious to myself on Thursday. I started on myself in the morning which resulted in superficial burns. Later on in the evening I accidentally ruined my dinner, I then used twitter to publically humiliate myself before forcing myself to eat a dinner I wouldn’t feed my worst enemy. I went to bed in the foulest mood I have been in for a very long time.

I received an e mail yesterday from a company called Thomas Fergusons Irish Linen offering me 20% off any order and something clicked in me. The one thing my wife loved doing is buying things for our home and her response would have been the same as me, I ordered a Duvet cover. It is bloody expensive but worth it.

Today I have been doing more of the same and wandering around the shops in the city choosing things for my future home in Ireland. Most of which I will be buying over the next few weeks and months. My wife was the one who got me into doing this among other things and I have no doubt that had she been with me we would have spent a small fortune. My wife changed me in so many good ways. I am proud of her!

The great thing is I have now completely chilled out and having a weekend where I am being as nice as I possibly can to myself. I need it after the way I was on Thursday.

Message

Tonight’s blog is going to be completely different and directed at one lady in particular who will remain nameless. I know she reads my blog and she knows how private I am. Hopefully this will get the message across.

We have been friends, close friends for over 9 years until the other night and don’t get me wrong I am furious with you. You were the one person that I totally trusted. If we hadn’t been through so much together I wouldn’t be writing this now and I would be taking further action against you.

Although I said I never want to see or hear from you again I want to be your friend again. You take me to places that no other person has ever done. In a bad, bad world you are a good person and I still believe in you even after what you did.

You remember that night when I said those words that you wanted to talk about. I was deadly serious and you know that. If you need me to say them on here then I will do to prove my point. We never really did talk about it as I got the distinct impression I said the wrong thing. Surely you must have realised just how significant what I said was. Everyone knows how firm and public my decision is and with you I would have changed it. I don’t regret saying it but I am sorry, if it did as I suspect upset you.

If our situations had been different then there wouldn’t be the boundaries that there are now.
Had I deserved what you did then I would have done everything possible to apologise, you know this! You bring out the best and the worst in me in a good way and I need friends like that.

I hope to speak and see you sometime soon

Faith

This is quite a personal post for me but I think it is time for me to admit it. I am struggling with my faith, I am practicing as much as I can and what I am going to write isn’t a criticism of the Catholic Church, far from it.

When attending mass we obviously have prayer mats or the little benches to kneel on and I don’t believe that I should use them. I don’t need comfort to express my faith and certainly don’t use them on my weekly visit to the Cathedral. I kneel on the concrete.

There is a belief that you must sing as much as possible during mass. I don’t have a problem with chanting but I have been to masses where the priest literally expects everyone to sing just about everything. I want and need to express my faith in a way that is comfortable to me and that doesn’t include singing prayers or responses.

For me the use on incense is an important part of the mass and when it isn’t used it doesn’t feel like a full mass. I have found that incense is being used less and less now and it doesn’t feel right.

Whilst I am self harming I find it impossible to take the sacraments. A practising catholic should not deliberately hurt others and I would have thought the same would apply to deliberatley hurting myself? I am not sure if it me punishing myself or something deeper.

Proactive Approach

If we are friends, especially close friends and the shit hits the fan then you can guarantee that I will be neck deep in it helping you out. I can’t remember a single time that I have let someone down. It is in my nature to do it and I never expect anything in return.

When it comes to me I have learnt that there is only one person to rely on when things go nuclear and the shit hits the fan, that person is me. Admittedly there have been a couple of occasions that people have waded in at the last moment but 99.99% of the time I am on my own. I am not complaining about it but it would be nice to rely on someone.

Admittedly in the past I have ignored problems until they have got really bad and then taken a proactive approach. I now work on the basis of a proactive approach. I have recently posted that I was going through a bad patch and I think it was down to various things including my youngest daughter’s anniversary. Work, money, the docs and the bank were also causing me problems and it had started to affect my mood. Within a week I have got just about everything sorted, it isn’t perfect but I am now back on track and can now concentrate on the more important things in life.

Home

I am sorry about the lack of new entries in my blog recently, I am going through a bit of a bad patch and I am trying to hide it from everyone. For me a bad patch can and does include flashbacks where I lose sense of where I am, lose sleep and I start to get harder and harder on myself and self harm. It doesn’t affect my ability to function normally but it does make my life rather hard. I am starting to get things back under control but it does take a bit of a fight.

Allow me to ask you a question please? In your house what is the most important room, is it the kitchen, bathroom, living room or bed room and why? For me it is the bedroom, then the living room and finally the kitchen. I am trying to redesign my bedroom so it is a perfect place to be for chilling out, sleeping and other things. I have this image but just need to make it reality now and the one thing that won’t be in this bedroom is a TV.

I would love to buy a wreck of a property which needs complete development and turn it into my dream home, a house that screams to be lived in. I have seen a huge amount of properties in Ireland that I would love to get stuck into. Most of them have the 4 walls and nothing else and are stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Yesterday, CDs, Charities

As you may know yesterday would have been my youngest daughters second birthday and is one of the most difficult days of the year for me. I got through yesterday without injuring myself which is an achievement for me and I wanted to thank everyone who supported me. I am now going to be able to set up a proper coping strategy for March and prevent anything serious happening. I will be rewarding myself shortly.

It has been a while but I have decided to try and build up my collection of rare CDs and I am currently looking at a couple of CDs and a Vinyl, if you know of any decent music websites then can you please leave me a link in the comments.

Lastly I would like to post some links to charities that I support.

www.nshn.co.uk

http://www.uk-sands.org/

http://www.templestreet.ie/

Comments

This is the second version of today's blog, the first version was deleted after some very personal abuse and what appeared to be a threat. I really don't have a problem with people leaving comments but please remember that right or wrong they are my personal views. I respect your views so please do the same with mine. You don't have to read my blog!

The Lockerbie bomber

In my blog today I thought I would get a little bit political and give my opinion on the release of the Lockerbie bomber on compassionate grounds. I have listened to various people’s opinions on both sides of the argument. As far as I am concerned he was tried, convicted and sentenced by a court and like any other convicted criminal he had the right of appeal.

Now one of the things we keep on seeing is human rights lawyers appearing on TV saying that this was the right thing to do as he is terminally ill. I believe in peoples human rights but I have to ask this question. What about the human rights of the 274 victims? That is the right to life! What about the rights of the relatives of those who have died? The right to fair justice!

Was it right to release him? No, he should have died in prison. In the UK there are prisoners who have committed crimes so heinous that they will spend the rest of their lives in prison, which means they will die in prison, yet this convicted mass murderer is released after only a few years. I don’t believe that the views of the relatives were considered. Lastly watching the news for a man who is so terminally ill that it warranted compassionate release he looked rather well.

Catholic

I am a Catholic and was baptised and confirmed in 2006. For me it is a very personal belief and I am not the sort of person to shout about it from the rooftops, nor am I a person who feels the need to ram it down other people’s throats. My faith is part of who I am and has been with me all of my life in one form or another.

Outside of going to mass there are only two other ways you will see anything to do with my faith the first is my rosary. I have two, the first being bought in London and the second bought and made in Ireland. Yes I carry one with me but not on display and I carry it for deeply personal reasons. The second is my weekly visit to the Catholic cathedral in Norwich and again I go there for deeply personal reasons. I practice my faith as is my right! Likewise I respect everyone’s beliefs and faiths regardless of if I agree with them or not.

I want to thank everyone I know on Twitter who supported and cheered me up tonight after I was deeply insulted tonight. Every single one of them rocks and they deserve lots of chocolate and other nice things

xx

My Youngest Daughter

I would like to introduce you tonight to my youngest daughter; she would have been 2 years old on Tuesday. When she was born and they managed to get her breathing she clung onto life for around 10 minutes before she passed away in my arms. I held her until the end because her mum couldn’t bear to hold her. She was so weak, the most she managed was to hold her hand out. She was named Joy by her mum. She is with her sister Orfhlaith and my wife, whenever I talk about my family I am referring to them and only them.

I will do something very special for her and only her on Tuesday, I haven’t thought of what yet but I want to let her know that it may be 2 years since I held her in my arms but I still love her and miss her as much as her older sister. I may not talk about her very often but she is and always will be in my heart.

Trigger

I have decided to take a bit of a risk tonight and take you as close as I can to what happens when I self harm. I hope to show how intense, addictive and dangerous it can be. Please don't read any further if you are feeling delicate.

Trigger

The trigger was too much, the urges now control him, the decision is made, he needs it, wants it, he must have it now. Calmly he walks into the kitchen and picks up the knife, his towel already prepared.

The cold blade is gently caressed across his skin, his heart beats faster as the anticipation of what is about to come increases. He chooses the spot on his arm and presses the blade into his skin. Feeling the blade cutting his skin he pulls the knife down. Seeing the blood his desperation increases, he thrusts the blade deeper, harder whilst tensing with the pain. For twenty minutes he cuts again and again until the pain overwhelms him and then he stops.

He stands there looking at the wound on his arm, watching the warm blood pour down his arm. His breathing is rapid after the adrenaline rush and the release that he needed so much. Ignoring the throbbing pain he looks up and out of the window to check of anyone has seen him do it. Satisfied no one has seen him, he presses his hand onto the wound before returning silently into the real world, the emotional pain, and the wait until he can do it again

The Bug

My life isn’t perfect but it is comfortable and I suppose it is a life that I could eventually completely settle into. Norwich was never the city I planned on living in for more than about 6 months and I have been here for 5 years now. I am sure if I looked hard enough I could meet a new partner, fall in love and settle down for the rest of my life or I could if it wasn’t for the bug that keeps on kicking off inside of me and a certain longing that I can’t ignore.

I have known for a very long time that I needed to leave the UK and settle down in another country. My body may be in the UK but my heart and soul is in Ireland. I have lived there before; I was freezing cold and starving but happy. I love the culture, the people and the language. I firmly believe that I can become the person I want to be in Ireland and live a fulfilled life.

I have started taking the first major steps towards moving but I am not ready to take that final leap yet. Hopefully that will happen in the near future!

Stronger

The voices still ring in my ears “hopeless” “useless” “failure” “you don’t deserve” I have spent years and years listening to those comments, put downs and more. There are times that it was drummed into me, times that it was rammed down my throat and times that it was quite literally kicked into me. The moment I started going up I was kicked back down and these people thought they were doing me a favour and I should be grateful.

The physical scars may have gone but the mental ones are still there. There is a small part of me that latches onto all of the negativity and believes that I am nothing but a complete failure in life. The people who have done this and at times still do it were right. I have decided to write this tonight to prove not just to the world but to myself I am not a complete failure. I know I am not perfect and have made huge mistakes which I regret, I am human after all.

There was a point in 2005 where I had lost everything; I had been thrown out of my home and onto the streets by some very abusive housemates, I had all of my possessions in just one suitcase. I assume they took everything I left behind. My boss made it clear afterwards just how badly it had reflected on me at work. My money was running out, my parents had refused me any help and at that point I had chosen where I was going to sleep. It was next to the entrance to Habitat which was well covered and would protect me from the weather. I couldn’t turn to anyone. I managed to find a place to live just at the final, crisis breaking point moment. I then had to sell most of the remainder of my possessions to ensure I could eat. I kept what was broken or damaged and hid everything that had happened from those I loved

Since that point with the exception of two items I have replaced everything I lost, that was damaged or had to sell, I have also bought some luxury items that I could only dream of at one point. I have been married and had two daughters as you know. I have saved a friends life and gained two qualifications so far at the Open University.

As a person I am stronger than I have ever been. I know who I am, where I want to be in life and have a plan to get myself there. I hope one day that everyone will be proud of me and my achievements. I have a huge amount of potential in life and have started to realise it. These aren’t the words of a failure are they?

Being Nice

Next month is the start of hopefully something new and different for me. I have only managed it for very short periods of time before. I intend to take it to the next level and hopefully keep going for as long as I can. What am I talking about? I am talking about being as nice as I possibly can to myself.

I am a really vicious and nasty person when it comes to me. I push and push myself until it hurts, then I get angry with my body when it complains. You can then add in the self harming, binging and starving myself and pushing the boundaries when it comes to sex. Nothing illegal or immoral! I deprive myself regularly as a punishment, the list is endless and I only occasionally give myself a reprieve.

I have set a date of the 16th September and for a month I am going to try playing nicely. That means responding to my physical, mental and spiritual needs.

· Absolutely no self harming in any form and forgiving myself if I do slip up
· Going to mass weekly as well as my weekly trip to the cathedral
· Replacing possessions and buying what I desperatley need
· Ensuring that I have enough food to eat, it is healthy and I eat 3 meals a day.
· One night of me time with no internet or phone.
· Dealing with any urges to self harm immediately
· Rewarding myself properly

It is hard to put into words how difficult this is going to be for me. It has been deeply ingrained into me that being nice to myself is wrong and that I don’t deserve it.

Upset

At work we have a forum and one of the topics is about peoples experiences as new parents, it is to do with a new advert. I made the mistake of reading it. I have been fighting this all night but I am now upset as I want to post on there about my experience as a parent but don’t want to upset anyone. I have got to the point that I am starting too tear myself apart.

How do I describe the time with my daughters? A privilege, an honour, intense, heartbreaking, and painful are just some of the words. It massively changed me forever and our time together was far to short. People talk about how quiet their babies are; in my case I would have been more than happy for them to keep me up all night just so I could spend more time with them. I am proud to say I changed my eldest daughter’s nappy!

Every second is a step closer to being with my family again. Every second my love and the bond we have grows stronger. Time may heal my raw wounds, but time will not let me forget them.

Thanks

I thought I would do something slightly different today. Recently I have been off work with the swine flu and been stuck at home on my own. For very obvious reasons I did not have any visitors so I have had to rely on other means of interacting with people. Twitter has been one of those way and I would like to thank the following people for keeping me sane, entertained and as happy as I could be. If you are on Twitter then you must follow them. Here they are in no particular order.

@Aliquant @Sharon_Corr @MrsStephenFry @NikkiG57 @KimKenny @RedDandy @MrsFrysPussy @Mummy__Pig @DawnCoxwell @littlefluffycat @sparkledoris @ThisStarChild @dreadw @zennmaster @usul_of_arakis @ladyloki @rogerpovey @Debby48 @tashitendrel @KermitMash @mandajroberts @CorruptedAngel @shandreen @LadyCruella @ladyjanefairfax @Triquetragirl @MeganSRipley @Grizzlyfish

If I have forgotten anyone then please forgive me. I am writing this blog at 1am and probably should have been asleep a couple of hours ago.

xx

Black Sheep

I genuinely believe that I am the black sheep in my family which is ok because I look good in black. Seriously though looking back I have been branded a failure more times than I can remember and there are times that I think my parents are ashamed of me. My parents do very little to dispel that theory and at times add to it. I could list loads but that is not the point of this blog and I am not looking for any sympathy. Likewise I am not going to list the fair number of successes and achievements I have had over the last few years.

In the start of October I am going to London, Dublin and Nottingham in the space of just over a week. When I go to Nottingham it is highly likely that I will see my parents. My dad only found out about my self harming earlier on in the year and his response said everything.

When out and about in Norwich I am reasonably happy to wear short sleeve shirts and unless I am feeling delicate I tend to ignore any comments about my arm. The problem is that my heart is in Ireland and my mood always crashes when I leave Ireland and I am going to Nottingham less than 24 hours after getting home. I am not sure my mood will be able to take the kicking when I get a negative reaction to my arm. I own 2 long sleeve shirts so either I go out and buy more to keep everyone happy or risk taking a kicking when I am down.

I wish people would accept me for who I am!

Food

I have just been watching the news and a report about food security and how in the UK we must secure our food supply. There was the usual spiel about food prices increasing and the government needs to do this that and the other.

I understand the need to protect our food supply but surely the priority should be to make sure that the present population has enough food to survive. I don’t just mean people in third world countries, I mean in the UK and Ireland as well. I have come across one family where a lady was starving herself to ensure that her children have enough food to eat. This wasn’t in a third world country and I can’t be the only one who has experienced this.

If people can’t afford to feed themselves and their families at present food prices then they will have no chance if food prices increase further. I don’t for one minute believe that price increases are solely down to food shortages more like companies increasing their profits. Before securing the future allot of people need to get into the real world and sort out the here and now.

Remembering my daughters

Most of you who have been reading my blog will remember that I am looking for something suitable to remember my baby daughters by . It has been extremley difficult for me as it has to be perfect, last a life time, reflect my time with them and not result in me self harming.

After much searching I have decided it is going to be a mechanical music box. Had they survived then music would have been a major part of their lives. My eldest daughters mum loved interior design. I am not sure how long it will be before I get it but I will post pictures when I do

Musings

Being a man who likes unusual and different things I decided that I wanted to make a dinner with a difference, one of the ingredients I need is purple potatoes. I decided to go and look for them on the internet and so far have only found one place that sells them. They wanted £15 plus delivery for around 4kg of them. I suppose it is my fault for wanting to be different but I am not paying that for some potatoes.

I am watching the news and in particular a report about the Scottish parliament looking at ways of tackling binge drinking. They are considering imposing a minimum price per unit of alcohol, 40p per unit was said. The report looked into the impact this would have on the whisky industry. At a first glance this appears to be punishing everyone for the actions of the minority. The vast majority of us can have a drink without being completely stupid and I don’t see why I should pay more for a drink because others can’t handle themselves.

The Corrs

I have been following The Corrs for years now and know quite a few other people who are also fans of The Corrs. I have already posted that when I first heard The Corrs I didn't particularly like them but this soon changed and I am proud to say I am a fan of theirs. Likewise I am not afraid to admit that I have a bit of a crush on Sharon Corr and I have to be peeled off the walls every single time she replies to me on twitter.

My favourite musical instrument has and always will be the violin; listening to anyone playing the violin always chills me out completely. I have listened to Sharon via her website, YouTube and the radio. She has a stunning voice and it is the sort of music that I would listen to whilst chilling out with a glass of wine. My favourite song so far is no frontiers followed by runaway and I look forward to hopefully choosing a new favourite song from her forth coming album.

Recently Sharon has been A listed by BBC radio 2 which means that she gets maximum coverage on the radio. She is on a higher list than bands like U2 which is a great success for her and may these successes continue for her. I would love to see one of her singles or her album at No1 in the charts. With all of the recent publicity and an ever increasing fan base I am sure she will be able to achieve this.

I look forward to buying her album as well as any future releases as well as seeing her live if and when she tours.

http://www.sharoncorr.com/

Another rant

I have a few pet hates in life people lateness, people who lie, drink drivers, judgemental people, fair weather friends and people who claim to be friends when they are obviously not. Now in my case I set extremely high standards for myself and push very hard to achieve my standards. I fully understand that we are all human and no one is perfect.

We all know that one of the quickest ways to wind someone up is to ignore them but recently I have been experiencing something a little bit more extreme from people that I have known for years. They aren’t just ignoring me but denying that they know me or have ever known me among other things. This is really bizarre behaviour and whatever the reason reflects really badly on the people doing it, likewise the result is that we are not friends as I am sick and tired of hearing excuse after excuse.

I want friends who accept me for who I am both good and bad. If you need to put conditions on a friendship or feel the need to publically deny knowledge of me then I don’t want you as a friend.

The IVF postcode lottery

It is a natural human instinct to want to have a baby and it is a sad fact of life that not everyone is able to conceive the normal way. Obviously one of the options open to couple is IVF and they are entitled to up to 3 cycles on the NHS but this is down to a postcode lottery. So you have to live in the right area to get IVF on the NHS.

I always thought the NHS was set up to give treatment on a fair and equal basis to all? Doesn’t this mean that it doesn’t matter who you are and where you live you will get equal treatment to someone who lives on the other side of the country? I am not naive enough to think that the NHS has a bottomless pit of funding but treatment should be offered to all equally. Not everyone can afford to pay for IVF privately.

Going Green

There is a huge drive about going carbon neutral and saving the planet. We have blue and green recycling bins and bi weekly collections even though our council tax increases every year. We get told to use public transport and get hammered with taxes when we dare to fly anywhere. There are god knows how many carbon off setting schemes. We also have numerous green tariffs for electricity.

I do my part any recycle, use a carbon off setting scheme when taking any flights and obviously pay all of the required taxes when flying. My heating is turned down and off unless it is very cold and I switch electrical appliances off when I am not using them, although this is also to do with saving money. I personally think that protecting the planet is very important but with regards to going green that is as far as I am prepared and able to go.

Why you ask? Like everyone I have a monthly budget which I can’t go over. I buy organic food where I can but have previously written there is a limit to how much I can buy. What gets me is that all the green tariffs are more expensive than normal tariffs. So the pressure is to go green and pay more, I am afraid it doesn’t work like that. I buy what I can within my budget and I really don’t see why I should pay even more to run my house and increase the profits of the companies supplying me. Bring the prices down and yes by all means I will sign up for green tariffs

Public transport is another way that we apparently can save the planet by using. Fair enough but to put it diplomatically my local public transport is next to useless. 90% of the time it is turn up at the bus stop and hope for the best. I have lost count of how many times I have given up waiting for the bus and walked home or had food thaw out whilst waiting. So yes you could say the bus is more environmentally friendly because I end up walking. Oh and we have to pay for this as well. You want more people to catch the bus then kindly sort of the public transport system. If I am being honest I would say that given the choice of car or bus then I choose the car every single time.

I am afraid I can’t afford to carbon offset all of my activities due to the fact that I can feed myself for nearly a month with that money so I will be limiting it to flights only. Likewise I do have my doubts about the schemes that are advertised.

On a side note

Due to the piggy flu I have been unable to have my usual appoint with my therapist so we had a telephone appointment which was different for me. What is becoming more and more apparent is that I am making more positive progress with my self harming. I am now identifying the patterns and urges quicker and taking steps to control them and damage limitation where necessary.

This may not sound allot but it has been just under 5 months since I last cut and did anything serious damage and 12 days since I did anything minor to myself. My aim is to completely stop any form of self harming, deal with any damage and move on with my life.

Making the decision

If you knew me a few years ago you would know just how much I was against having any children. When someone bought a baby into work I would head for the hills along with a few others. I was 100% against bringing a child into this world, as far as I was concerned there were more important things in life than having children. I was on the extreme side when it came to having children but then again I didn’t think anyone would actually love me enough to have a baby with me.

My views on having children were completely changed, even with the sort period of time my daughters and I had together. With the birth of my eldest daughter I had what deep down I had been searching for, a family of my own. I spent a fortune on their funerals to show them and the world just how much I loved them, I did the same with my youngest daughter after she passed away.

This may surprise you but I have decided that I don’t want any more children. Not because I don’t want a family. I am not prepared to risk the pain of losing another child. I love my family more than ever and nothing will ever replace them. There maybe someone out there who could possibly change my mind but I have serious doubts about that.

Being Open

Here are a few random facts about me

1. My favourite book is Dracula by Bram Stoker

2. I have been a vegetarian for over 5 years but still get cravings for bacon

3. Very few people actually pronounce my eldest daughters name properly

4. I get very weird food cravings

5. The Staff in my local Starbucks know me so well that I don’t have to order now.

6. I would love to meet Sharon Corr

7. I didn’t like The Corrs when I first heard them

8. I am a very romantic person

9. I have a weird habit of buying note pads all of the time

10. I find it very hard to trust people

11. I have previously spent £150 on a bottle of wine

12. I have competed at national level in first aid competitions

13. The most I have ever spent on a CD is £180 but it isn’t my most valuable one

14. I am an Open University student

15. I love the Irish accent; it is the one accent that makes me melt.

16. I have very expensive tastes in certain items and refuse to buy cheaper versions

I love Starbucks and it helps if you know the people who work there. Previously I was having a really bad day and went into buy a hot chocolate to sulk over. The shop was packed and a friend of mine who was working there ignored everyone who had been waiting and made me my drink. She managed to piss off a large number of people but seriously improved my day. She rocks and always put a smile on my face in more ways than one if you know what I mean.

All of the above is public information which most people know about me, now ask me to talk about more personal things and it gets difficult and in some cases impossible without me feeling like I am doing something wrong or giving something away. Let me give you an example I have previously written about the moment I bonded with my eldest daughter. For me that was a deeply personal moment which very few people have heard me talk about, there are loads of other moments I would love to talk about. By talking about it and letting people in am I loosing something that makes it such a personal part of my life?

The World

I am sure those of you with children will disagree with me but as far as I am concerned my daughters were the most gorgeous babies in the world. I was a perfect father to them and did everything possible I could do for them. They had everything they could possibly have had in the time we were together. I am very protective of them and their memories and am still trying to come up with something suitable to remember them by, being a bit of a perfectionist this is proving extremely difficult.

I love them to bits and would give literally anything to have them with me but watching the news I sometimes wonder if they are in a better place. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with the world? It is almost on a daily basis it is reported that another child or baby has been killed or seriously abused. What on earth makes a person do those things to a child?

Society isn’t to blame for this, it is a combination of the sick twisted excuses for human beings who abuse and kill children and the punishments handed down by the courts. A few years in prison for killing a child is nowhere near enough and it is mega rare that you will hear me say this but I want these people to really suffer, the sort of suffering that they put their victims through. The vast majority of parents love, cherish and nurture their children, it is the tiny minority that don’t who let society down and should be permanently removed from it.

Banks

I think I am preaching to the converted when I say I fucking hate the banks and have for a long time now. I got right royally screwed over by a bank. They were more interested in making money that supporting me through a rough patch. This isn’t going to be a rant about that it is going to be a rant about the banking system as a whole.

Now the only reason I am still with my present bank is that they haven’t needed to go begging for money after screwing up the economy. I understand the logic of why the government bailed them out but it doesn’t mean that I agree or am happy about it. Without a doubt generation and generation of people are going to be paying for the government’s decision to pump money into the banks. I pay my taxes for healthcare, schools, the forces and not to bail out greedy, selfish people who obviously couldn’t do their jobs if someone was holding their hands.

Perhaps it is me but shouldn’t the banks be paying us back now they seem to be in profit? I paid to bail them out and I want my money back so it can be used for more important things. Things like giving the armed forces the equipment they need and the NHS. In the meantime the banks need to get a grip and support all of their customers.

Assisted Suicide

A lady has won the right to find out if her husband would be prosecuted if he flew with her to Switzerland when she was ready to die. I believe the law lords have said that the Director of Public Prosecutions should give a definition of the law and when a person would be prosecuted under this law. I respect and understand her decision to fight this case to protect her husband.

I am completely torn on this subject. I can understand and respect her and others wish to die with dignity. This maybe a way that she and her family can prepare for the end but suicide is wrong. We should be looking at better medical care rather than letting people travel abroad to kill themselves. The pro life part of me says that suicide for any reason is wrong and a very selfish act, people have to deal with the aftermath of any suicide. The other part of me wouldn’t want to see someone I loved deeply suffer and would want to protect others if I was in that position. Whatever happens I hope the family involved find some peace.

Answers to your questions

I have already posted previously why I self harm but as with everyone who self harms there are triggers. The major one for me is feelings and thoughts around the deaths of the people I have loved especially my eldest daughter. The worst time of the year is around March and yes during that point I am very easily triggered.

Will your tweets, comments or our conversations trigger me? No, recently some of the tweets and comments I have received have done the opposite and helped me. When I talk about my family the main emotion I feel is pride. Yes there are times that talking about my daughters will upset me but we all have bad days.

Can I stop you self harming? To be honest it depends, when I last did anything serious there wasn’t anything anyone could have said or done to stop me. Sometimes a hug makes all of the difference! Things like winding me up further and threats normally result in me self harming. If it happens, it happens and I have a huge amount in place to prevent it happening, to deal with any injuries and consequences. 90% of the time you would never know that I have injured myself.

How do you stop yourself self harming? It depends on what has triggered me but I tend to use listening to music as loud as possible, fast walks, posting on forums, snap wraps, focusing on specific events and thoughts and if that fails then I go onto damage limitation. When I talk about damage limitation I mean giving myself what I need without causing an injury. Most of the methods I use tend to cause allot of pain but that is it. It is rare for me to get to damage limitation now and even rarer for damage limitation to fail. The worst case scenario for me normally involves me seeking medical attention.

You are a father to two daughters, how can you self harm? Had my family survived I wouldn’t be self harming. 110% of my time would be spent being the best father in the world to them. I self harm because of the feelings over their deaths.

You are being very reckless aren’t you? So is binge drinking, taking drugs and numerous other things and I don’t do that. I am not trying to justify my actions as I am far from proud of them. I take numerous precautions, have first aid equipment and seek medical attention when necessary. I have done other legal things that are far riskier than any self harming I have ever done. Likewise I am paying for help and therapy to get me to a better place.

Thanks for reading this.

Twitter

A few months ago I wouldn’t have considered writing a blog let alone that people would actually read it. I just wanted to thank everyone who has read it, left comments or even clicked on the link. This blog is probably the quickest way to find out about the real me, some of it may sound like I am giving myself a right old kicking but I am only being honest about my experiences and opinions. This is the real me and not what the vast majority of people get to see.

I spend allot of time talking to my therapist about me and one of the things that tends to crop up is confidence and low self esteem. I am going to give you an example in today which is in a way a thank you.

When I joined twitter I didn’t expect to get many followers and certainly didn’t expect that anyone famous would even consider following someone like me. I really didn’t expect to get any responses to any of my messages. I have to be peeled off the walls every time I get a response from Sharon Corr. Nope I am not about to get gushy again about the Corrs. This is about everyone who follows me on twitter.

Over the last few weeks the tweets I have received and read some tweets that have really improved some very hard and shitty days. This has especially been the case over the last few days whilst I have been stuck at home on my own with the flu. Just wanted to say thanks and you all rock!

Art

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Organic Food

My body is a temple or it would be if I didn’t keep on abusing it in 101 new and exciting ways. Now I am being as nice as I can to myself. I am exercising as much as I can and trying to eat as healthily as I can. I try and follow the recommendations given to us by the experts and one of them is to eat organic food.

Great idea! But hang on I am a call centre minion on call centre wages, this means that to be able to buy purely organic food I would have to mortgage my soul and my soul has already been taken along with my heart. So much as I want to buy food that hasn’t been covered in chemicals I can’t afford to, even with the reasonable wages that I am on.

I know organic food is healthier and I have seen all of the adverts and spin for it, they are preaching to the converted here but they need to find ways of bringing the prices down. They do that and more people will be able to buy organic food. Most people shop within a certain price range and it doesn’t matter what you say to them, if it isn’t in their price range they won’t be buying it.

It really does annoy me when we have all these chefs on TV preaching to us about it. If I was on their wages then yes all of my food would be fair-trade, organic or freedom food.

moan

I am in a bit of a mood today because my arm is being a mare so this blog is going to be short sweet and to the point. I have got a few things on my mind about the world and here goes.

The right to peaceful protest is enshrined in law in this country and time after time we see the protests go violent and the police have to respond to it. The vast majority of police stay within the rules and law but we have recently seen that some allegedly do not. What gets me is that the only focus from the world is on the police, never mind that we see a huge amount of video evidence showing protesters breaking the law. Regardless of which side you are on there is no excuse for breaking the law and I wish the media would be a little bit more balanced rather than focusing on the protesters and them trying to justify breaking the law.

It seems swine flu is spreading and has started to hit people that I know but I still believe it is more of a panic rather than pandemic. My understanding of a pandemic is that it kills a huge number of people and affects millions; this doesn’t appear to be the case. Unless I am mistaken so far all of the people who have died from it had underlying medical conditions. Again I still think this has been hyped up by the media and the experts giving out conflicting information.

I hate being ignored by people but during the credit crunch the government seems to be doing a good job of ignoring people like me. Those people with savings and don’t have a mortgage, why am I moaning about this? Whilst the government is completely focused on people paying mortgages the rest of us are using what savings we have to live. At the end of the day I and people like me are voters and I will be dammed if I vote for a party that ignores me.

I have decided to get more treatment for my arm but have decided to go privately and you would think it would be easy. It seems not, there are a million and one places that offer scar revision and that is before I look at the problems with my hand. Oh and the huge price differences. Why is life so difficult?

NHS

The NHS was set up to give free healthcare to everyone on an equal basis but with the increase in treatment costs, an aging population and limited resources, can the NHS continue on the basis of free treatment for all?

Currently you have to pay to see a dentist and for prescriptions unless you’re on certain benefits or have certain medical conditions. In the news there was a report about a political think tank who said that there should be a charge for seeing a GP. Obviously this has been rejected by everyone but is it such a bad idea? Many countries charge people for seeing a GP and the cost price of medication.

I know people will say I pay my taxes so the NHS is free but there is a limit to everything and I am not suggesting that people should pay to go into hospital, or people on benefits should pay but we do have a huge amount of people who can afford to pay. Another option could be to charge people a fixed fee if they fail to turn up for any booked appointment whether it is with a GP or consultant.

Personally I wouldn’t have a problem paying to see my GP if it improves the services for all, I currently pay for the majority of my treatment and therapy for my self harming.

MPs

We have another by-election tomorrow because the local MP quit after being told he couldn’t stand at the next general election due to expense issues. This isn’t going to be a moan about MPs expenses, as it got boring after the first week of 24 hour news coverage. What this is about is MPs claiming how green they are whilst bombarding us with leaflet, posters and other printed materials.

I kid you not with some of the candidates we have received 3 or 4 leaflets every other day. It got to the point of being silly, after looking at the first leaflet on one day the rest went straight into the recycling bin. In certain candidates cases any literature from them went straight into the recycling bin. Oh and we have another candidate sending out DVDs to everyone, not exactly environmentally friendly. Had I been even considering them they would have lost my vote. To put it mildly stop sending me so much f***ing rubbish, I am not ever going to vote for you.

I am going to vote for someone who actually represents my views and what I want from an MP and from a government, not a minority party and certainly no party that wastes so much. What do I want from a government? Increased funding into neonatal units, research into preventing neonatal deaths and support for everyone during the recession not just a few people.

First Aid

I was 9 years old when I was first taught any form of first aid; I remember starting with the Red Cross to get another badge in the Cub Scouts and was proud of myself when I attained the badge. Through the years I completed and passed numerous forms of first aid courses, competed in first aid competitions up to national level in the UK. I intend to re qualify as a first aider as soon as I have the time and money to pay for the course.

I know kids have a huge amount to take in at school and obviously have the choice of what they want to study at college. I also know that teachers will say they have enough to teach but wouldn't it be a good thing for it to be compulsory for schools to teach at least a basic first aid course.

The result would be lots of young adults with a basic first aid knowledge and possibly, just possibly a few more lives saved. Some of them may want to go further and gain more experience and qualifications as I did. This could be another potential benefit to the community.

Theory

I thought I would test out a theory today about a recommendation people keep on making during the credit crunch. I have seen people on TV and read on websites that selling music CDs is a good way of making money during these difficult times. Is it a good way of making money?

Now I consider my music collection my most important and valuable asset, I have previously written that music is a major part of my life and I listen to music daily. The average price of an album is £10 depending on where you buy it from. Obviously during the good times you are going to want to replace them.

I know my local second hand shops will buy CDs from me for around 50p to £1 depending on their stocks, the CD and how nice they are feeling. Obviously you can sell your albums on websites like EBAY and Amazon and after paying your fees you are going to get more for your CDs but I thought I would concentrate on websites that buy your CDs off you. Whichever way you sell your CDs you’re going to have to wait for your money so it isn’t a quick fix.

After going onto the website I took a selection of my albums and entered the barcode numbers in and was given an immediate offer which ranged from 30p for older albums to £3 for imported Japanese and American albums. The offer I was given for a mixture of 25 UK and Japanese CDs was just over £22. Replacing them would cost me around £250, likewise I am not sure there is anyone who would be happy accepting just 30p for an album that cost £10

If you have a large collection of CDs that you’re clearing out, you’re in not in a rush for the money and not too concerned how much you are paid for them. Then yes it is an easy, simple and effective way of getting rid of unwanted CDs. For everyone else there are plently of other ways to make money on your music collection.

Thoughts

I am a vegetarian and have been for a while which is a life style choice. It is nothing to do with ethics or about, I became so particular about meat that it ended up being an expensive waste of time for me. The main issue I have is eating out, my choices start to become more and more limited the higher standard of the restaurant. It is mission impossible if I want to take someone out to a restaurant like the fat duck. Just because I am vegetarian doesn’t mean that I don’t have taste.

People judge other people on the clothes they wear, the car they drive and the house they live in. The bigger the house and car the more successful a person is deemed to be. But should life revolve around what material possessions a person owns? Why must I be judged on what I own? I have decided that the experiences I have in life is more important than owning the biggest house possible. When I am old I want to look back at all of the experiences I have been through and the memories of those I have met rather than my one and only achievement in life being owning the biggest house or most expensive car. Yup I am the black sheep in my family and proud of it.

The swine flu pandemic or panic is well under way; I can’t quite decide which one it is at the moment. Yes I know it has killed 29 people and any death is a tragedy but can we get this into perspective please. There are 60 million people living in this country and 29 deaths. The seasonal flu kills people every year but we don’t have people panicking over that. The chances are we are all going to get it at some point and will build up immunity, it is a fact of life so can we all calm down just a bit please

Rant over.

My Daughter

I have 2 daughters and I would like to talk about my eldest daughter. I couldn’t be more proud of her and am extremely protective. She was born on the 8th March 2006 and weighed 1lb 12 oz. She was a premature baby and fought for around 90 minutes and in that time I changed her nappy, fed her, she held onto my little finger and opened her eyes. I can even tell you the exact moment we bonded, which is also is the most heart breaking moment for me. It was when she tried to cry. At that moment I would have fought the world and quite happy crawled over hot coals if it would have helped her. She died in peacefully in my arms.

I can’t remember who said “no parent should endure the pain of burying their children” I have done it twice. I have met numerous people now with equally heart breaking stories and the way I dealt with it was to tear myself apart both mentally and physically. The therapy bills and scars back this up.

The above is the short version of an extremely painful day in my life. My eldest daughter had a very serious heart condition and my youngest daughter was too premature. I have now accepted that there wasn’t anything the doctors could do for them.

I have recently been trying to lobby MPs to increase funding for neonatal units, the support of parents and research into the prevention of neonatal deaths. To date I have had one response and I am holding that letter in my hand.

Debt

Debt like it or not a fact of life and most of us are going to have some at one point in our lives. It could be a mortgage, personal loan or some sort of hire purchase agreement. Handling debt well improves your credit rating. What I am going to talk about now is from experience and I am not qualified to give out advice. I was taught a very hard lesson when it comes to money.

Like everyone I had credit and was paying it off on time and coping well. As is the case when you’re coping well with debt companies were quite happy to give me credit cards, loans and store cards. I used to waste a huge amount of money on things I didn’t need and my worst and silliest purchase was a motorbike on a credit card. When things started to go wrong the bank was happy to offer me more money to consolidate my loans. The spending and debt got worse until my debt was about £15 000, bearing in mind the most I was earning in a year was around £10000 before tax.

Then I started defaulting on my payments and the phone calls started, at first they are polite and are quite happy to come to arrangements with me. Being very naive I assumed I could cope and steadily watched myself get into more and more trouble. I was also using payday loans to try and boost things but this made matters worse. Next the threatening letters started which were either ignored or phone calls were made promising to pay. As with most people acting like this the companies lost patience with me and passed my debt over to debt collection agencies.

Those letters started adding charges onto my debt, anything between £15 and £40 at a time. The phone calls got more and more frequent and difficult to deal with. They would ring early in the morning or late at night. I remember being kept on the phone for 90 minutes by one agency trying to get money they knew I didn’t have. The only way I seemed to get them off my back was to agree to pay more and more money. If I remember rightly towards the end I was expected to pay around £200 a month more than I took home in pay. At this point the people who offer loans at 200%+ apr wouldn’t touch me. I used to get home to find 4 or 5 letters from the bank at £25 a time.

I distinctly remember sitting there at one point in a right mess hoping something would happen to help me; the bank had transferred my loan twice to specialist departments who added interest onto the loans and increasing the costs. The debt agencies were having a field day with me and to cut a very long story short I went onto a payment plan, got 2 CCJs and ended up bankrupt.

Bankruptcy isn’t an easy solution, yes you do stop everyone perusing you but everything you own becomes property of the Official Receiver. It has taken me years to get my credit rating back and up to a reasonable standard of living.

Why am I telling you all of this? I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to go through what I did. The simplest advice I can give you if you’re in financial trouble is don’t ignore it. Talk to the banks as it is there interests to help you. Seek help and stick to the budgets you agree with those helping you. Make sure you take into account your living costs and don’t offer to pay more back than you can afford. When I went bankrupt I would say 60 to 70% of my debt was interest and charges rather than money I had borrowed. Get a grip of the situation as I eventually did and things will improve. I can promise you that.

Rant

It must be that time of the year again, Royal Mail staff are going on strike on Friday and according to the news British Airways staff are heading towards strikes in August. Workers should have the right to strike for better working conditions, pay etc. 9 times out of 10 they will have my full support but does anyone else get the feeling of de ja vu with all of this?

I understand peoples reasoning behind going on strike for various reasons but this is getting boring. Someone needs to get a grip on this and get it sorted. The business can't operate without it's staff, the staff loose pay, customers get irritated and use alternative means. No one wins! I am assuming that Royal Mail staff are well paid because they seem to be happy to loose god knows what in wages with all of these strikes. Yes they should fight for better working conditions and we all support them in that but everyone needs to remember the public support they have has a limit.

My Label

As society loves labelling people and we all have them, some good and some bad. Today I thought I would talk about one of the labels I have. Hopefully you won’t head for the hills but understand me a little bit more. It is important to know that I am not looking for sympathy or justifying myself.

I am 32 year old man who works full time for a living in a call centre. Not my perfect job but it will do me until I can the job I really want. Throughout my life I have done voluntary work in various forms. Mainly as a first aider working at football matches and other events, I have successfully resuscitated a lady who had a broken neck. I live on my own in a reasonably sized house, love music, shopping, the arts, socialising and have lots of ambitions in life as do most people. Like everyone else I pay my taxes and obey the law.

Believe it or not all the above is irrelevant when people notice the scars on my arm. 9 times out of 10 the first thought is self harmer and that is what they judge me on. It is also on my medical records about my self harm. It isn’t a label that I am proud of least of all want but now I have it.

When I talk about self harm in my case it means deliberately injuring myself by either cutting or burning. If I remember rightly I have been actively self harming for nearly 3 years now and the first time I did it was at work. I have self harmed several times at work and more times than I can remember at home and only once has someone actually seen me do it. That wasn’t my intention and was before it escalated onto the level it is on now. Now if it happens I make sure there is no one about.

Why do I self harm? The pain from it reduces and removes stress and emotional pain. There has been a huge amount of trauma in my life and I use self harm to express what I am feeling inside especially around the anniversary of the death of my wife and eldest daughter in March. I would say 10% of the time it is because I am stressed out over something and am unable to chill out.

Last March was the most severe instance of self harm and resulted in nerve damage in my arm, scaring on my arm among other things. I went through hell afterwards and the majority of people’s reactions ranged from insulting me, refusing to be my friend. I faced a huge amount of anger from people at a time where I was very delicate and ended up spending a huge amount of time apologising to people for my actions.

Is it possible to get pass self harming? Well I managed 13 months before March and I have a bit of a fight on my hands at the moment but I will finally stop.

Music

Music is a huge part of my life and it is very rare for me not to listen to music at some point of the day. I am a music by mood person so what I listen can reflect or change my music. If I am in pain then I try and express it through the music I listen to. My friends will tell you about my slight obsession with the Corrs, especially Sharon. So if they release anything I am going to buy it. I have been known to buy an album on the basis of listening to 30 seconds of music and will pay whatever to buy some rare CDs. One ambition of mine is to learn how to play the violin.

On and off in the news we hear stories about the music industry finally getting tough with people who pirate music, illegally share music and breach the copyright of artists. It has taken them long enough and I personally believe the punishments should be harsher. People who whine after getting caught will get no sympathy from me. People say why should I pay for it if I can get it for free? The simple answer is that you’re breaking the law and not showing any support for the musicians.

Whilst being as harsh as possible on those who break the law the music industry should look at how much the music is finally sold for making sure the people who write and perform get more of the profits. I would be happy paying £20 for a CD if I knew the artist was getting £5+ of it. Likewise retailers need to look at pricing. I am certainly not going to pay more for the privilege of walking into a shop if I can buy exactly the same CD online cheaper.

Paying for what you get

Whatever your background and wherever you come from I can pretty much guarantee you want, like and enjoy the finer things in life. It part of human nature to want more in life, to better our selves and I am one of those people. I want the best but am realistic enough to know that unless I win the lottery or meet someone rich and famous I am not going get the best of everything in life. Hard work will get me most but not all of it.

When you buy the finer things in life, are you actually getting what you pay for or is it snobbery, buying a label, a status symbol or a waste of money.

Supermarkets claim that their own brand products are just as good as premium brand varieties but cheaper. There are a few exceptions but in the main yes they are just as good. I personally use a mix of own brand and premium products in my weekly shop. This means I can afford to buy some of the finer things as treats even though like most people I am on a budget.

You will see people on the TV advising everyone to buy shops own brand, go to budget stores etc. They say that the quality is good and you will save money however I don’t believe this is always the case. I used to pay £15 to £20 for a pair of shoes and get through them in a couple of months at most. Last year I decided to spend £100 and they are still going strong, the quality was there and overall I have saved money. Another example is the earphone I use with my MP3 player, yes they are seriously expensive at £120 but my last pair lasted over 4 years of very heavy use. Using normal earphones the music quality is poorer and they break. I have saved money overall by paying more initially. Sometimes paying more is worth it

It doesn’t always work like this. Let’s take cars for an example. Cars have one purpose in life to get you from a to b in comfort and safely. So why do people pay £100 000 for an Aston Martin when a £20000 car will do the same? I am sure people will argue the point with me but it is a status symbol. The same can be said for people who shop in stores like Harrods.

Budget isn’t always the best but it certainly helps you get more out of life!