I am fed up

I love my true family more than life itself, I would have happily given then my last breath and would still give everything to hold them in my arms again. There can be no doubt over this and I will spend the rest of my life with the pain of loosing them. So I am sure I can be forgiven for saying this but I really hate this time of the year.

I have to spend 99.99% of my time considering everyone's feelings before my families or even mine. It would be so much easier if I was in a city full of strangers at least then I could really do what I want for my family. More importantly I would be able to deal with the huge amount of raw emotions that I have to go through. To put it simply I am fed up of having to keep everyone happy whilst feeling like I am neglecting my family and certainly neglecting myself. I am getting more and more stressed out and normally this leads to severe damage.

I know there are people who do genuinely care and I appreciate it more than I can say. Please understand that I have to get through March without any damage. Doing damage over my family normally results in a trip to hospital and I am waiting to see the surgeons again over the damage I did last year.

Balloon part 2

There is going to be more than one balloon now. After speaking to a local business I have decided there will be 16 balloons. One large tinkerbell balloon with my eldest daughters name on it and 15 smaller balloons for both of them.

I will be doing the same in August for my youngest daughter.

Balloon

This year rather than just mark the anniversary and what would have been my eldest daughters 4 birthday I want to do something directly for her. I have decided to buy her a balloon and release it.

I have been trying to come up with an idea for a few weeks now and for me this is a perfect idea and fits in with all of my very firm beliefs. I hope you will agree that it is a simple idea which will help me through a very difficult and heartbreaking day.

There are a few personal issues around it that I need to talk to someone about but they are to raw to talk about on my blog.

Jazz

Strange but true, I bought my first jazz album from Starbucks in Nottingham. I listened to it once and didn't particularly like it. That album was careless love by Madeline Peyroux. Most people go to a music store to buy their music, me I go to Starbucks!

If I have been really good at work and they decide to give us a bonus then I am either going to buy a Bower and Wilkins Zeppelin mini or invest in a rare vinyl. I may even have enough money left over for a large hot chocolate.

Physio

I had an assessment with a physiotherapist yesterday, I have been waiting for months for an appointment on the NHS but decided to jump the gun and book a private appointment. The advantage of this is that the lady I saw did not know me or my history. I go through stages of denial of the injuries caused by my self harming and I needed to know where I stood with my arm.

After taking my history and examining my arm she confirmed that I have nerve damage. She said that there was muscle wastage and barely a flicker in other muscles. She wasn't sure if physio was the best way to go, she thought that I may need further investigations by a neurologist.

It has been nearly a year since I did the damage and 9 months since I last had an appointment with a consultant. My injuries are still having quite a severe impact on my life. It has been a long term dream of mine to join the ambulance service and become a paramedic. I now have my doubts if that will ever happen and as I said to my therapist I haven't got a clue what I am going to do now.

It hurts me so much to type this. I want to phone my parents and tell them what has happened and why I did it but I genuinely believe that they are ashamed of me. I have spent my life trying to make them proud of me and not managed it yet. After their reaction over my eldest daughter they still don't know about my youngest daughter, if I am being honest they may never know. I really don't think telling them about my arm is really going to help matters.

Splurge

Today is going to be a random blog as my brain has turned to mush and I would rather not push it.

I am already bored of the general election and it hasn't even started yet. It really bugs me that MPs are unable to give a straight answer to a simple question. The rest of us can do it so why can't they? I was following John Prescott on Twitter but have stopped due to the constant stream of tweets about the Conservatives yet he like other politicians can't answer a simple question.

So Gordon Brown did a Piers Morgan interview and the reviews in the papers weren't exactly stunning. He seems to be a private man that has now bared all, kudos to him for doing it. There were frequent reports about him getting emotional when talking about the loss of his baby daughter. I would have been surprised if he didn't get emotional over it. The pain just doesn't disappear it stays with you.

I am starting to get used to my new Macbook Pro. It is great to have a laptop that doesn't take a millennium to load up or fall over at the first opportunity. I certainly won't be missing Vista and the almost daily updates.

I am going for an assessment with a physiotherapist today and am having to pay for it privately. I am not exactly happy about having to pay for even more of my treatment but I have been waiting for months for the NHS and I need to know what is going on. I am getting rather jumpy about my employer who expects me to be able to work 9 hour shifts and up to 9 days in a row.

I have had some comments about my recent post about plan b. Part of it was directed at specific people and they know who they are. They are people that only want to be friends during the very good points, I will be amazed if I now speak to them for the next few weeks if not longer. This is fine as I know where I stand with them and no I am not angry with them. They have their reasons as I respect that. Last year I managed to offend 99.99% of the people I know and spent a huge amount of time apologising when I should have been dealing with me. Again I bear no ill feelings over it even though with some people it still hurts me.

Valentines day

Do you know I am struggling to get my words out today. I want to give a message to two ladies both of who I love dearly but are out of my reach.

The first lady owns my heart and she knows I would have given my last breath for. Although she was taken from me nearly 4 years ago I have undying love for. She rocked my world in incredible ways and loosing her tore my soul apart. We will meet again one day and when we do I will be complete again. She was the light in my darkness and no one can ever get close to that.

The second lady I have posted about before. She has a place in my heart, She rocks my world every time we see each other and brings out a side of me very very few people have or will ever see.


Michael

Plan B

I didn't think I would have to write this but I am having to go to plan B when dealing with this time of year. I don't particularly like using plan b and it does have its consequences. It doesn't mean that I am saying I am going to repeat last year or spend the next month self harming at ever available opportunity. I have tried being open and honest with people about how I am feeling and what I am thinking. It isn't working at all, if anything it is having a very negative impact.

I am not going to get any additional support, people have their own issues to deal with and there are people/friends that I dare not be honest with because of the bad consequences. What people want to know is that I won't be turning up with dressings on my arm and I am not going to loose it. The answer is no to both of those questions, if the worst comes to the worst I have long sleeved shirts and a very good therapist.

I know when reading this people's reaction maybe, he is pushing everyone away again. I am not pushing anyone away as I would rather have people close to me at this time of year. I really don't see the point in me being honest to people if the result is that they then avoid me for weeks, I sit there having to listen to various comments about me or I piss them off as they have more important things to deal with than me. The last thing I want is people thinking that I am never happy, positive or I am constantly dumping on them. I am trying to consider peoples feelings above my own.

So to try and maintain the balance and avoid upsetting and offending people I have decided that I won't be posting anything on Twitter or Facebook about how I am feeling inside or about my family around the 2 anniversaries. I won't be talking about it inside or outside work unless I am specifically asked, the plans I have around the anniversaries will remain very private. I will carry on posting on my blog as normal though.

I know there are people who do genuinely care about what is going on and I would please ask for your forgiveness for this post.


Michael xx

Desert island discs

Here are my choices

Careless Love - Madeleine Peyroux
A Treasury - Nick Drake
Are you listening? - Dolores O'Riordan
White Ladder - David Gray
Sean Nos Nua - Sinead O'Connor
MTV Unplugged - The Corrs
Talk On Corners - The Corrs
Beyond Imagination - Opera Babes

The books would be the Complete Works of Shakespeare and the Bible. My luxury would be high quality chocolate.

Living will

Over the last few years I have had to make some decisions that have been the right decisions but they will live with me for the rest of my life. Those decisions have in part added to the huge amount of pain that I carry inside of me.

I know what I expect and want from my life and want to protect others from the pain of having to make a potentially heart breaking decision. I have decided to make a living will which will have some very clear instructions on what I want to happen if I get into a position where I am unable to make those decisions for myself.

One thing I will say is that I am going to make it very clear that I want almost all of my organs donating and I don't want that over ruling by any of my family or next of kin.

On a knife edge

I am not afraid to admit that I almost burst into tears in my local bank on Saturday. I was trying to put some money in a bond for both of my daughters and keep it going until what would have been their 18th Birthday and then give the money to charity. Even though the investment would have been in my name the pain was overwhelming.

More than the run up to my youngest daughters anniversary I have to get the balance right at this time of the year. I am at very serious risk of self harming to try and control what is going on inside of me. I need to mark the anniversaries in a direct way, comfort myself and yes reward myself if I do get through without any more damage.

Fucking great customer service

Today I experienced what I consider fucking great customer services. Everyone I have spoken to has said how great Macs are so as I have the money I decided the time was right to invest in one. I did my usual and researched what I needed and found one that I liked, the prices unlike PCs are fixed which limited my choice.

Off I toddled to my local Apple store to buy it. I walk in and say that I want to buy a Mac book pro but I have some questions. Those questions answered he asks what I am going to use it for. I tell him and he says "you are a student then?" I tell him yes and where. He then says well if you can bring in proof we can give you a discount on the laptop and an even bigger discount on the extended warranty.

Now I am a seriously happy bunny and rapidly fetch the proof he needs. 10 minutes after going back I am paying for a high specification laptop and extended warranty for less than I budgeted for the laptop.

It has started!

The run up to March has officially started and I have started tearing myself apart again. This year is 100 times worse than it was last year. When I previously posted that I was going hardcore and that was an understatement. I want to invest some money for each of my daughters until what would have been their 18th birthday and then give that money to charity. I tried to do that today and couldn't due to the pain involved.

I am also trying to avoid pushing anyone away this year, something I tend to do through the really bad times. You have to understand that I have been let down and failed so many times that the little trust I have tends to go through the floor. It is a fight that I have to fight on my own and I passionately hate dumping on others. It was recently pointed out to me that everyone has their own problems and issues so I am not sure if there is anyone I could turn to for support.

I will continue to post on here as I consider it a great way to vent about things.

Letter to everyone!

Hello!

My name is Michael and I have decided to write this open letter in response to recent events. You could call it an advertisement, I will call it my latest blog entry.

As I was saying my name is Michael and I have a huge amount of unused potential. I will be the one sitting patiently in the front hoping someone will notice me. Over the last week you I have been made to feel like I am doing the wrong thing, failing and that I am not important. You may be right, you may be wrong and only time and the opinions of others will tell. I have a nasty feeling that I maybe a very unpopular person at the moment. Well I accept the consequences of my actions and if this is the case then so be it!

Back to the potential thing, call it confidence or arrogance I don't care but I believe I have bags of the stuff. Lets start with the basics I may be a scruffy fucker and not the best looking man in the world but I do brush up really well. I am house trained and know how to cook, clean, iron and take care of myself and others. I am told that I have good taste and yes I know what I want! I am also very broad minded but that is something for a different time and place.

Now I may not be the most qualified person in the UK but I have a huge amount of life experience and that must count for something. I know what I am doing with the usual office applications and yes I can safely operate a computer. I have higher education qualification and would love to use them, I have a bit of management experience which I would love to expand. I reckon I would make a fantastic manager and yes I have lots of things I can back that claim up with.

I consider others before myself and I am very protective of others, I will stand up for others without question. That may not be the same for me but I am working on that. I have a sense of humour and I am a chocolate addict, the same maybe said about Twitter but like many others I am in denial. I have some very fixed views on some subjects but am mainly open minded. I do tend to apologise far to much. I do like meeting new people, I have a wide variety taste in music.

As you can see I am a man with a huge amount of potential but at the end of the day I am only human, as with other humans I make mistakes, the wrong decisions and maybe I jump up and down when I should sit down and shut the fuck up. When I do make these mistakes I would humbly ask you to please forgive me. I promise you that I will always try and rectify my errors and kick myself harder than you could ever do!

Cheers and much love


Michael