I thought it was time for me to write another blog entry, it has been a while since my last one. I am not actually looking for a partner because I believe I am defective and need to put a huge amount of work into dealing with what is broken before I have a proper relationship. I may not have the right to say that but no one seems to be disputing it. Please don't get me wrong there are certainly women out that that I am attracted to and without a doubt I would sleep with.
It would appear that I am or have been saying something wrong when I say I don't want to have any more children. I have now had two babies die in my arms and I am not prepared for it to happen a third time. Nothing will replace my daughters and I don't believe another child would ease or magically remove the pain of loosing my daughters. I still have days where I tear myself apart over them, yesterday was a classic example where I started the day nose diving back into a very raw pain and ended up fighting the urges to be very evil to myself.
I have said yes if I did meet the right lady then there maybe a chance that I would have a baby with her. The reality is that I don't believe that will be happening any time soon and it slightly more complicated than that anyway. Likewise I am heading towards being 35 years old which I believe tends to stand in my way.
When I make it clear I don't want anymore children and the reason why, society and more specifically the people around me make it clear that I am saying something wrong. Yet no one is prepared to have an open and honest discussion as to why? Am I missing some unwritten rules here?
I am more than happy to have this discussion with anyone who thinks I am wrong and even those who think I am right but it does need to be a bit more than "aww you will do" If you think I am being selfish then say sodiscus me a reason why. I don't mind how this discussion happens but I feel that it needs to happen.
