Time to get a bit more positive

Today’s blog is going to be nothing but positive so sit back and enjoy the ride!

I think I may have posted before that I have ordered more Irish linen and can’t wait for it to arrive. Once I have the full set I will have spent nearly £1000 on it. I plan to save it until I can share it with someone special. You are going to know I am serious if I am using that on the bed ;o)

I am also still waiting for a truck load of new goodies to arrive from various parts of the world. It is going to be like Christmas come early.

I seriously love Dublin to the point that I will be living there again in the near future. I am back there on the 5th October. The best way I can describe Dublin is like Marmite, you will either love it or hate it and quite frankly I can’t get enough of it. Everyone knows I have a thing about the Irish accent but I also love the chilled madness about the city.

Bewleys on Grafton Street for breakfast is like a tradition for me and it will be happening as per normal. The food is great, the building is stunning! Having a cooked breakfast next to an open fire on cold winters day, is there anything better? I think not!

Gallaghers Boxty House is another must for me, it is traditional Irish food. The first time I went there did it for me and I am now a firm fan of the place and recommend it to everyone. I watched the waitress who served me perform with an Orchestra the previous day and she waved goodbye as I left after finishing my meal.

Malahide Castle will be another place that I visit regularly when in Dublin, The perfect place for a picnic in the summer and they have a great cafe for food if not.

There are a fair few art galleries in Dublin but my favourite is the Royal Hibernian Academy. I always find time to visit it and take my time going around the galleries.

I have spent many Sunday afternoons in St Stephen’s Green Park sitting in the sun with a book, CD player and a small amount of food. It is a large park in central Dublin.

If you haven’t been to Ireland then it is a must. It is an experience that you won’t forget

Update on the message

Yesterday I did something that I should have done a long time ago and ended a very friendship that had lasted over 9 years. Throughout my life I have been through abuse that has resulted in a need for love and attention that means I tend to repeatedly go back to those who hurt and abuse me. I am not sure if the fault is with me or those who have abused me but that isn’t important at the moment. What is important is what I am doing about it.

My friend and I were very close and had been through a huge amount together and our friendship would develop into more when she left her husband, I would end up being heartbroken every time she went back to him. I accepted this was part of our friendship and would ignore my feelings when it happened.

The comment I previously posted about was “I hope that makes you pregnant” and I knew then I had said the wrong thing even though it was so significant to me. I am sure I don't need to go into further detals about the where and when. I was cast iron in my decision not to have any more children and very public with it. With her I would have changed that decision.

There was the incident recently which resulted in me being assaulted, I was given a very clear message but she laid it on thick. She said allot of things and great, sorry no make that stunning sex. Things started getting public but it didn’t take me a huge amount of time to find out that she was lying yet again. I have been made to look very silly and that is where my limit is.

Regardless of what is happening inside, this time I am not prepared to take it. I am really angry with myself but livid with her. I have lost my final close friend but hopefully gained some self respect.

London Fashion Week

Ok I am going to start with the London fashion week. If you don’t know when London fashion week is then a fairy good indicator is when we get size zero reports on the news and the yearly reports saying about pro anna websites and how they should all be shut down and tighter controls on them.

For those who don’t know what I am talking about when I say pro anna, I mean pro anorexia websites that people. These vile websites encourage people; give support and guidance on the best ways for people to lose as much weight as possible. Women who lose as much weight as possible are seen as role models. These websites do not support people in recovery, they make matters worse.

Organisations like b-eat have been calling for these websites to be shut down for years with the support of a huge amount of people but only tend to get news coverage around the fashion week. It really fucks me off. I am not saying that companies should stop using thin models but there is a huge difference between thin and unhealthy models. They shouldn’t use anyone who is below the minimum BMI for their height etc.

Likewise the government and internet service providers should close down all pro anna websites!

Chilling

Even by my standards I was being particularly vicious to myself on Thursday. I started on myself in the morning which resulted in superficial burns. Later on in the evening I accidentally ruined my dinner, I then used twitter to publically humiliate myself before forcing myself to eat a dinner I wouldn’t feed my worst enemy. I went to bed in the foulest mood I have been in for a very long time.

I received an e mail yesterday from a company called Thomas Fergusons Irish Linen offering me 20% off any order and something clicked in me. The one thing my wife loved doing is buying things for our home and her response would have been the same as me, I ordered a Duvet cover. It is bloody expensive but worth it.

Today I have been doing more of the same and wandering around the shops in the city choosing things for my future home in Ireland. Most of which I will be buying over the next few weeks and months. My wife was the one who got me into doing this among other things and I have no doubt that had she been with me we would have spent a small fortune. My wife changed me in so many good ways. I am proud of her!

The great thing is I have now completely chilled out and having a weekend where I am being as nice as I possibly can to myself. I need it after the way I was on Thursday.

Message

Tonight’s blog is going to be completely different and directed at one lady in particular who will remain nameless. I know she reads my blog and she knows how private I am. Hopefully this will get the message across.

We have been friends, close friends for over 9 years until the other night and don’t get me wrong I am furious with you. You were the one person that I totally trusted. If we hadn’t been through so much together I wouldn’t be writing this now and I would be taking further action against you.

Although I said I never want to see or hear from you again I want to be your friend again. You take me to places that no other person has ever done. In a bad, bad world you are a good person and I still believe in you even after what you did.

You remember that night when I said those words that you wanted to talk about. I was deadly serious and you know that. If you need me to say them on here then I will do to prove my point. We never really did talk about it as I got the distinct impression I said the wrong thing. Surely you must have realised just how significant what I said was. Everyone knows how firm and public my decision is and with you I would have changed it. I don’t regret saying it but I am sorry, if it did as I suspect upset you.

If our situations had been different then there wouldn’t be the boundaries that there are now.
Had I deserved what you did then I would have done everything possible to apologise, you know this! You bring out the best and the worst in me in a good way and I need friends like that.

I hope to speak and see you sometime soon

Faith

This is quite a personal post for me but I think it is time for me to admit it. I am struggling with my faith, I am practicing as much as I can and what I am going to write isn’t a criticism of the Catholic Church, far from it.

When attending mass we obviously have prayer mats or the little benches to kneel on and I don’t believe that I should use them. I don’t need comfort to express my faith and certainly don’t use them on my weekly visit to the Cathedral. I kneel on the concrete.

There is a belief that you must sing as much as possible during mass. I don’t have a problem with chanting but I have been to masses where the priest literally expects everyone to sing just about everything. I want and need to express my faith in a way that is comfortable to me and that doesn’t include singing prayers or responses.

For me the use on incense is an important part of the mass and when it isn’t used it doesn’t feel like a full mass. I have found that incense is being used less and less now and it doesn’t feel right.

Whilst I am self harming I find it impossible to take the sacraments. A practising catholic should not deliberately hurt others and I would have thought the same would apply to deliberatley hurting myself? I am not sure if it me punishing myself or something deeper.

Proactive Approach

If we are friends, especially close friends and the shit hits the fan then you can guarantee that I will be neck deep in it helping you out. I can’t remember a single time that I have let someone down. It is in my nature to do it and I never expect anything in return.

When it comes to me I have learnt that there is only one person to rely on when things go nuclear and the shit hits the fan, that person is me. Admittedly there have been a couple of occasions that people have waded in at the last moment but 99.99% of the time I am on my own. I am not complaining about it but it would be nice to rely on someone.

Admittedly in the past I have ignored problems until they have got really bad and then taken a proactive approach. I now work on the basis of a proactive approach. I have recently posted that I was going through a bad patch and I think it was down to various things including my youngest daughter’s anniversary. Work, money, the docs and the bank were also causing me problems and it had started to affect my mood. Within a week I have got just about everything sorted, it isn’t perfect but I am now back on track and can now concentrate on the more important things in life.

Home

I am sorry about the lack of new entries in my blog recently, I am going through a bit of a bad patch and I am trying to hide it from everyone. For me a bad patch can and does include flashbacks where I lose sense of where I am, lose sleep and I start to get harder and harder on myself and self harm. It doesn’t affect my ability to function normally but it does make my life rather hard. I am starting to get things back under control but it does take a bit of a fight.

Allow me to ask you a question please? In your house what is the most important room, is it the kitchen, bathroom, living room or bed room and why? For me it is the bedroom, then the living room and finally the kitchen. I am trying to redesign my bedroom so it is a perfect place to be for chilling out, sleeping and other things. I have this image but just need to make it reality now and the one thing that won’t be in this bedroom is a TV.

I would love to buy a wreck of a property which needs complete development and turn it into my dream home, a house that screams to be lived in. I have seen a huge amount of properties in Ireland that I would love to get stuck into. Most of them have the 4 walls and nothing else and are stuck in the middle of nowhere.