Ever loved someone enough that you would happily give them your final breath to save them? The sort of person who light up not just the room but the entire planet when you see them. I have! I know that makes me a very lucky man, mere words can't describe my feelings for her or how grateful I am for the time we were together. I am talking about the mother of my eldest daughter.
Tomorrow would have been (is) her birthday and I am really not happy. My heart breaks just that little bit harder on her birthday. I am unable to visit her grave and yes this upsets me just that little bit more. I want to visit her grave, I want to place a massive bunch of flowers on it. I want to sit at the side of her grave and bawl my eyes out until it hurts. I don't want comfort I want to experience the pain. Why? Because in feeling the pain of loss I am just that little bit grateful for what we had.
The cold hard fact is that I can't for reasons that annoy the hell out of me. So with the continuing theme that is my existence I must put up with what I have, although me not being happy about it is a progression. Going out and getting so drunk I haven't got a clue where I am would be my next choice but that doesn't help anyone plus my body has taken enough kickings over the last few years to last me a lifetime. Plus the bruising on my arm tends to give the game away!
I think it is plainly obvious from what I have written so far that I miss her. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day without her. Tomorrow isn't about survival or damage limitation, it is about showing the world in the most powerful but subtle way what I think. Those who need to know, will know. Those who need to see, will see. Those who need to feel, will feel. The rest of the planet will be oblivious to me and what is going on. It is something that I have just about perfected, I have had no choice on the matter.
