Epic Brain Fart

For the vast majority of the time I cope with my brain kicking off and the flashbacks that I get. I have lots and lots in place to keep me chilled out and rocking with the world, also to help when things do kick off. Occasionally though I have a major flashback that floors me with what happens and the resulting mess.  It rare but they are really nasty.

The last major one I had was in fact just over a couple of weeks ago and I am still clearing up the mess from it. Inside it quite literally wrecks me, there is the external damage which the vast majority of the time can be covered up.

I am not going to discuss the actual flashback as I can't but want to show you what surrounds it.   So the Thursday morning after a seriously bad nights sleep I wake up in an odd mood.  I get up and walk into the city where things really kick off. At this point I am so wound up that I could quite easily hurt someone. This is an adrenaline pumping, fully focused rage that is being made worse by the images and actions that I can see.  I am having to use a huge amount energy to stop myself flying off the handle.  It doesn't get much better after getting to work and I have to let a manager know there is a problem. Trying to do your job, hide what is going on from people and control the waves of anger is creating more problems. I kid you not when I tell you that at one point I was on the phone doing my job whilst trying to control the urge to punch someone. Later on in the day things got even worse and I left work. After getting home I finally lost it and wrecked a cushion which is not something I am proud of and hardly my finest point.  I couldn't control the anger.  At this point I now am ashamed of myself for leaving work early, ashamed of myself for not being able to control the flashback and the small matter of a wrecked cushion to deal with. A couple of days later I then let rip at myself resulting in a exceptionally sore arm.

Now the event has gone back into the deep dark depths of my mind until it is triggered off again or possibly I am finally allowed to talk about it and deal with it. I am going to have a cushion made to replace the ruined one and my arm has healed.

The one thing I have been struggling with is the emotions. For a few days afterwards and until I had a go at myself my perceptions were completely off.  I feel like a failure, my inner security has gone through the floor again which hasn't helped with my confidence. I am also having periods of time where I feel completely on my own in the world. To make matters worse I seem to get the balance restored and then the slightest little thing seems to kick it off. It is one particular place that I seem to be more vulnerable in, although the event that kicked this all off didn't happen there. (similar events yes but not quite on the scale of that one).  I also feel like a complete shit because of what has happened.

I am hoping those around me will forgive me and understand that I am doing everything possible to get back to my slightly silly self. In writing this I am hoping people will understand that this was bad, very very bad even by my standards. 

I am taking a massive risk by posting this, I hope I am not proven wrong.

Ending all of the hate.

It doesn’t half take a lot of energy to really hate another person to the point that you can only ever see what they have done wrong. Quite frankly to hate someone to that sort of extreme is actually knackering. Keep with me there is a point to all of this and no it isn’t a full on rant, although I would be perfectly justified to have a full on rant about specific people and events. The downside to all of that would it would probably put me at personal risk. Believe me there are quite a few people who I have every right to hate with a passion until the end of their natural lives.


A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that something had to change for me to move forward in my life and perhaps become a better person. I decided that regardless of whom the person was or is and what they had done, I had to stop hating them. I am not talking about forgiving them, forgetting what has happened, group hugs or becoming life long friends. I am talking about removing a major barrier to me moving forward in my life and becoming a better person. I think it means that I end up more at peace with myself.

Within this group of people the fact that I no longer hate them doesn’t change how I will deal or interact with them, mainly because I really don’t want to know them or because what they did was so serious or offensive that nothing they can say or do now will change of make amends for what has happened.

I can now use all of the time and energy that I am saving on more positive things and better people.

faith and sexuality

I think it is time to clear something up about me and my faith. A few people are making some quite offensive assumptions about me just because I am catholic. My views have and always will be clear on certain matters. I class myself a as a progressive liberal catholic and my views may make me a bad catholic but they sure as hell make me a better person.

This is one which annoys the hell out of me and that is sexuality. People assume that because I am catholic that I have a problem with people who are gay, that I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. WRONG, TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WRONG!  The only time a persons sexuality has ever come into the mix was when that man was trying to force himself onto me. At that point I will and did use whatever methods and words that I wish to defend myself.  My firm belief and I have said this openly before is that just because a person is gay/bi doesn’t make them less of a person/christian/catholic than the rest of us. If you are a man/woman and your natural instinct or feelings are towards another man/woman that who am I to judge you?  Now admittedly if it was animals or children then yes I have a very serious problem with that and I am going to make it very clear what I think.  Someone correct me if I am wrong here but both a marriage and civil partnership are public declarations of love and commitment? A rose by any other name is still a rose.  

I would much rather a person be who they are than someone they are not. Yes I have trust issues and find it very difficult to let men anywhere close to me, I promise you though that has got nothing to do with my faith or the church. Read between the lines here and I am fairly certain you will understand what I am talking about. Being a catholic/christian isn’t just about toddling off to mass once a week and confession occasionally. It is about being open, tolerant and welcoming to all. It is about giving, being considerate and caring. A persons sexuality should never be a bar to the church.

I am a practicing catholic and yes I carry a rosary around with me. No this doesn’t mean that I am religious nut, no it doesn’t mean I am going to start bible bashing and preaching to people, no it doesn’t mean I am going to suddenly start to try and convert or change peoples views, beliefs or anything else.  I am certainly not going to  and never will treat someone different because they are gay, straight or bi.  

So would people kindly stop trying to judge me on their own narrow and biased views of catholics? As with the whole of society we are not all bad people with narrow and offensive views of others.

Sleep?

We all hopefully have dreams in life, some bigger than others, some maybe achievable and others perhaps not so achievable. I have one that may sound silly but for me it is proving quite a struggle. So what is my dream? A decent nights sleep!  One that doesn't involve me taking an exceptionally long time to fall asleep, doesn't involve me waking up in pain, doesn't involve me tensing up so much that I wake up just to loosen myself, that doesn't involve my brain going through the many horrors that I have been through in very graphic detail at a million miles per hour and perhaps one that doesn't involve me waking up exhausted and feeling like I have been through a full on fight.

Just a natural nights sleep that isn't induced through sheer exhaustion, alcohol, sex or medication. Then again sex induced sleep might actually be a great idea (that is a whole different story) I am sure there a million and one suggestions on the internet that may or may not work.  I have tried quite a few!

I can't switch my brain off and I either can't or am not allowed to talk about most of the horrors I have seen or been through so I am a little bit stuck on that point. I am currently trying to alter the environment I am in so I am more chilled out and relaxed at night, there is only so much I can do on that point. This leaves me struggling with what is left.

Perhaps it is time for me to go to a cosy little cottage in the middle of no where. I could lock myself away from everything until I am able to sleep normally. The other thing I feel like I need to do is travel to the mountains in Japan, be surrounded by nothing but the open spaces and nature. Perhaps if I could find some real peace then I might be allowed to sleep normally.