question

Just thought I would post this to see if anyone has the same experience. I am talking about flashbacks and sudden intense memories.

• I seem to become calmer when outside after a flashback. It doesn't comfort me it just seems to help.
• I get very angry after a flashback. Similar to when I self injure which feels like pure rage.
• I get the urges to walk/run miles to the point that my feet bleed.

Just want peoples thought etc..

suicide

I have been trying to decide if I should write a blog about the tragic death of Gary Speed. Most people will know by now that Gary committed suicide by hanging himself. It is a tragedy and my thoughts go out to his family and friends.  I firmly believe that suicide leaves more than one victim in which I mean that the loss of the family and friends. Without a doubt I will also include the person who finds the person who has committed suicide.

Now I can never put myself in the position of someone who has lost someone through suicide. I can however talk about it from the point of someone who has tried to end my life and I can also talk about this from the point of a person who has found someone after they have ended their life. Before I continue I need to tell you that the person I found I successfully resuscitated. They died later on from injuries sustained in an attack prior to their suicide attempt. I am going to put the next sentence in a separate paragraph.

I hope one day to be able to come to terms with the sheer horror of what I walked into that night. 

I haven’t spoken before openly about that night purely because of the images and horror that I keep inside of me. I haven’t talked about that night in detail with the family because I know that she would want everyone to remember her at her best and not at her worst which was that night. A hanging is more than an act of desperation it is anger, there is a huge amount of anger when this happens. I would ask everyone to do the same with Gary. Support his family and give them what they need. If that is privacy then give them that. They will have questions that need answering and in time they hopefully will get the answers that they need.  Gary has peace now.

The feelings I have, the loss I feel is nothing compare to what her family and close friends. I wouldn’t even try to say they are.  For the first time the other night I actually managed to cry over that night. Suicide is a huge tragedy, a massive loss but it is also a very selfish act. I believe the only way to fully understand it is if you have been in that position. I am sure there will be numerous people who will disagree with me on this point but I am saying it from the position of someone who has been there as well as the person who has found some after they have ended their life.

I also want to say something about the huge amount of tweets saying if you are feeling suicidal or depressed then call the Samaritans or other support organisation. It isn’t as easy as that I am afraid. Sometimes what a person really needs is to be noticed. 

Pet Hates

I have decided to do a slightly different post tonight. I would like to tell you about some of my pet hates.

1. Parents who can't remember their children's birthday. Lets be honest if you bring a child into the world the least you can do is remember when it was born.
2. People who lie. Seriously I know people who spend half their life spewing lies. Honesty works, certain people should try it occasionally. You might even gain my respect and eventually trust.
3. People who constantly moan and complain yet refuse to do anything about it. 
4. People who make assumptions about others. In my case you will probably be wrong so try finding out. I really hate judgmental people.
5. People who can't take responsibility for their own actions. Even more so those people who refuse to do anything when they are clearly in the wrong.  Part of being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions and doing something about it when you do mess up.

On a slightly less personal note

1. Charities that think it is acceptable to stop you in the street to try and get a monthly donation out of you. It is annoying and at times intimidating. I refuse to support any charity that does that to me.  
2. Politicians,  need I say more?
3. Staff in shops that pounce on you the moment you set foot in the door.
4. Websites that are not user friendly, especially those where I have to go searching for a price or how to order.
5. I am vegetarian not a freak. If you don't want to sell food/drink that isn't suitable for us then have the decency to clearly mark your food. I don't like guessing and I certainly do not like wasting money on food. 

I want a discussion

I thought it was time for me to write another blog entry, it has been a while since my last one. I am not actually looking for a partner because I believe I am defective and need to put a huge amount of work into dealing with what is broken before I have a proper relationship. I may not have the right to say that but no one seems to be disputing it. Please don't get me wrong there are certainly women out that that I am attracted to and without a doubt I would sleep with.

It would appear that I am or have been saying something wrong when I say I don't want to have any more children. I have now had two babies die in my arms and I am not prepared for it to happen a third time. Nothing will replace my daughters and I don't believe another child would ease or magically remove the pain of loosing my daughters. I still have days where I tear myself apart over them, yesterday was a classic example where I started the day nose diving back into a very raw pain and ended up fighting the urges to be very evil to myself.

I have said yes if I did meet the right lady then there maybe a chance that I would have a baby with her. The reality is that I don't believe that will be happening any time soon and it slightly more complicated than that anyway. Likewise I am heading towards being 35 years old which I believe tends to stand in my way.

When I make it clear I don't want anymore children and the reason why, society and more specifically the people around me make it clear that I am saying something wrong. Yet no one is prepared to have an open and honest discussion as to why? Am I missing some unwritten rules here?

I am more than happy to have this discussion with anyone who thinks I am wrong and even those who think I am right but it does need to be a bit more than "aww you will do" If you think I am being selfish then say sodiscus me a reason why. I don't mind how this discussion happens but I feel that it needs to happen.

Productive day.

At the weekend I self injured and now have some fairly nasty bruising on my arm. One bloke who was serving me in a shop today looked visibly shocked after seeing my arm. I know I should have covered up but I only have thick jumpers and it was far to hot today to wear one. 

I had a mega hard therapy session today where I went allot further than I was expecting to and managed to talk about some things I wasn't going to talk about.  That eased a large amount of pressure off myself and hopefully means it won't be evil to myself for a while now.  I managed to deal with something that touched on a very raw nerve without bawling my eyes out, being evil to myself or becoming a quivering wreck.

Christmas! Boo, hiss and all that.  I have previously posted that each year I buy two baubles to put on this Christmas tree, one for each of my daughters. This is a tradition I intend to keep up every year.  It does frustrate me silly each year, I have also been looking for two extra special hand made ones.  Well I have sourced some hand made ones which I think are perfect.  I have just spent £28 on two of them and I am a happy bunny.

Now when I go to London on Saturday I can concentrate on chilling out and buying expensive chocolate.

Riding the waves

It is a while since I have had to ride the waves like I am doing now. I had a particularly bad week last week with my IBS kicking off in quite an epic way mixed in with numerous memories coming back which I would rather forget. It would appear that this was a warning for what was coming at the weekend.

I am very well versed in dealing with the raw pain and other emotions I get over my daughters deaths. Once I recognise what is happening I tend to ride the waves until things settle down and I can deal with any damage that has been caused. I must admit that it is a while since I have had to really deal with anything very intense.

Friday things started which again is nothing unusual and I went along with it. Saturday I post the following tweet on twitter.

"I wonder if I would have been a great father to my daughters"

At this point I am almost in tears. It is a while since I have felt pain like that. I spend most of Sunday hugging a duvet. This morning I felt even worse and wanted to spend the day curled under my duvet. I made the right decision to get up and go to work even though it took a mountain of effort.

Anyone who really knows me will be able to answer my tweet and I want to thank @ladyloki for her reply. I know the answer to that tweet but I can't get it through the pain. At the moment there is nothing I can do to stop this and I think trying to will just make matters worse. So I shall just have to ride the waves until it is over.

Covering Up

I am now at the point where my self harming has all but stopped, if it does happen then any damage is very minimal and at worst fades after a few days. It normally kicks off around my daughters birthday or if I am really stressed out about something.  I talk very openly about it on here, with my therapist and a very select few if they ask about it.  The days of me hurting myself as often as possible have long gone.  I will wear short sleeves unless I am told to cover up.

The thing is I am now at the point where I feel like I need to cover up more.  Not because I am going to be harming myself more but to protect myself.  There are a few scenarios where any visible signs of any damage would actually cause me more trouble that it is worth and I still firmly believe that I am judged on the basis of my scars rather than my achievements and who I really am.

If anything does happen then no one will notice and I can feel more confident and secure on a day to day basis.

I just need to go shopping now

Life lessons

I am going to make a statement tonight which will probably irritate a few people. Self harming is the quickest way of wrecking any chance of having a relationship with someone. No one wants to see scars on someone they might be attracted to, especially if it is obvious that they are self inflicted. This is even more so when a person is trying to punch above their weight and get someone who is way out of their league.

In my case I managed to spectacularly blow what slim chances I had of a full relationship with a lady who was well out of my league.  What made it worse in my case was I managed to do this after we had been together on one occasion.   Her comments although very hard and hurt were fair enough and I would even go as far as saying deserved in my case. I think with most people the alarm bells the alarms would go off when seeing self inflicted scars on someone they were attracted to. They were not caused by anything to do with her or any conversation we had. I have written about the cause of them in great depth on here.  I haven't pursued her since then.

It did teach me a good lesson in life, one that I am not planning on repeating if I am being honest. I still consider myself damaged goods and although I would love to be in a relationship, from what I can see that isn't going to happen anytime soon.   I am currently doing everything I can to become the person I know I can be and at that point I hope to be able to attract the right sort of lady who will accept me scars and all.

I still have a large amount of work to do but hope to get there sooner rather than later.

Not a happy bunny

Sometimes I find it very difficult to write what I am thinking in a blog post, this is one of those times as this post has been rewritten several times now. Partly because I am not happy with the way it has been written, partly because I am feeling quite delicate and finally because I am trying to avoid anymore hassle that I have already had.  I really can’t be bothered getting my socks sued off over something that should never happened in the first place.

I have a very specific rule when it comes to my daughters birthdays.  I choose a specific day before what would have been their birthday. On that day I walk into the city and spend time choosing the perfect card. Once I have bought the card I go home. I don’t do anything else as my one and only purpose is to buy the card. It is an incredibly hard thing to do and I do it on my own. I have been ferocious when people have tried to question or interfere with this. Yesterday I broke that rule and I am still feeling like a complete and utter shit for breaking that rule.

Normally I wouldn’t break this rule for anyone or anything but yesterday I did precisely that.  My voice had gone again which is a sign that I am stressed and that I need to do something about it.  I don’t want to be off work so yesterday my priority was to chill out and get my voice back so I can get back to work. The reason I was stressed and upset in the first place is that I am still unable to go to my daughters graves, this always gets worse around their birthdays but as per usual no one notices this. Before anyone asks there isn’t anything I can do to change this, I have tried!

I decided after about an hour of wandering about that I would buy the card for my youngest daughter who’s birthday is coming up shortly.  As I said the plan was to buy the card today as per normal on a special trip. I may have broken my rules on this but I haven’t forgotten her and that at this moment in time is the important thing.  I just have to write the card now.

I am still upset about not being able to go to my youngest daughters grave, I feel like a complete shit but my voice seems to be back.  When I am out and about I will cover up what is going on so that means everyone is happy apart from me. Nothing unusual there then.

Riots

I thought it was time for me to write a blog about the recent riots around the country. There is a huge amount of anger over the riots and I share that anger. I have personally seen first hand the results of what happens when things kick off and there is violent disorder. I very much believe in peoples rights and personally think the human rights act is a great law.  

Before anyone starts on me about being soft I am not.  I was personally calling for the police to use stronger tactics on rioters such as batons, dogs, water cannons and bringing in the army to restore order. If you are out causing destruction, wrecking peoples lives and generally being a complete idiot then as far as I am concerned you deserve to be on the business end of a police baton and I sincerely hope it hurts. You don’t deserve sympathy and you certainly won’t be getting any from me.

So the police do the deed and get the streets under control with my full support. We still have a huge amount of anger and the public making demands as to what should happen to these people. Not everyone rioting was someone on benefits, this is a cold hard fact. Justice needs to be swift, hard and importantly equal. There isn’t any excuse for rioting and in every single case regardless of the charge this is an aggravating factor which means any sentence will be increased to reflect this.  It is also a fact that if a person goes to prison and they are on benefits then they will loose them. Courts have to the power to take money out of benefits as they do with the wages of people who work.

I agree that people caught rioting should be punished and more importantly should pay for the damage they cause. I want these people to suffer for their crimes, they deserve to be punished and not one single person involved in the riots and civil unrest will get any sympathy from me. Do not under estimate just how much I hate these people!

Bearing in mind what I have just said am going to say something now which may surprise you.  I do not think it would be right to permanently stop peoples benefits, I am also not sure that evicting people from social housing will solve anything.  I genuinely think it would take a half decent solicitor about two minutes to get a court to reverse a government decision on permanently removing the benefits of a person convicted of a crime during the riots.  I could be wrong but I believe the solicitor would use the human rights act.

Now moving onto evicting people from social housing. I believe this would send a very strong message to stop people committing crimes in future, great fantastic!  However people are normally in social housing for a reason.  If a person is made homeless then the council has a legal obligation to house them. So throwing people onto the streets is a mute point if the council then has to re home them.

What I am about to suggest is in addition to any fine, prison sentence or community order.  We should make the criminal pay the value of the damage they cause.  For example someone damages a property causing £2500 worth of damage, then then steal £1000 worth of goods.  So in addition to any other punishment they have to pay back £3500.  We then take a certain amount out of the persons benefits/wages each week or month until every single penny is paid back.

If the crime also involves an attack on the person then the court puts a compensation value on the injuries such as £10 000. So in addition to any other punishment they have to pay back £10000 at a weekly/monthly rate until every single penny is paid back.  If a person gets a job then it comes out of their wages, likewise if they loose their jobs then the benefits get reduced.

There should be bailiffs with the power to force entry into property to recover goods if people do not pay. Likewise the bailiffs should have the power to refer people back to the courts for increased punishments if necessary.  If after this process has been exhausted then and only then should we completely stop peoples benefits, this should only be until the outstanding amount has been paid.  There should be measure in place to prevent people from going bankrupt to avoid paying the money back

fine/community service/prison + paying back the total value of the damage caused would really mean that the punishment fits the crime and everyone regardless of financial position pays the cost of their crimes.  

A message to all charities.

Times are hard, we all know this.  There are very few people who aren’t affected by the recession and credit crunch. The people who aren’t impacted by the credit crunch and recession are the very rich, politicians and senior members of the royal family. These people can afford to give to charity at will.  The rest of us I am afraid can’t.

I notice that charities and organisations have changed their approach in recent months and years.  Emotional adverts on TV, people stopping you in the street, leaflets through the mail, people knocking on doors, collections in numerous places, major TV appeals and clothing collections.  You name it, charities now do it. We know you are all getting more and more assertive to get our support and money.

Now we are all generous and will reach into our pockets in times of emergency. You know this and we know this, however there is a limit.  The cost of living is ever increasing and we are being taxed more and more which means that there is less money spare to give to charities.  It doesn’t matter how worthy your cause is, it doesn’t matter how in focus your cause is. If the money isn’t there we can give it to you.  Feeling warm and fuzzy for a few minutes or easing guilt doesn’t put food on the table. Emotional blackmail doesn’t change that fact.

As your approach has changed so have the way I give to charity.  Like it or not this is a fact of life, not just for me but for many other people.  Knocking on my door or stopping me in the street asking for monthly donations just result in rejection.  I have charities that are at the top of my list to support. These are charities that I have a personal connection to or have supported me.  After this I will always try and give to collections at work or sponsor friends but this isn’t guaranteed. This leaves very little money left for any other charities. Again this is a fact of life and I don’t believe it will change any time soon.

If it comes to the point that I am able to give a reasonable amount of money to charity then it will be on the following basis. Charities that I have a personal connection with,  charities that have a visible local impact and then charities that are suggested to me. With any charity that I support I do check just how much of their income is used on charitable activities and how much is used on admin and paying for wages etc. Like everyone I want as much of my donation as possible to be used on charitable activities.

Food

Something is wrong, very very wrong and it is starting to really piss me off.  It is about food and people going hungry and in some cases having to starve themselves to ensure their families get food.  I am not talking about the current famine and major crisis in Africa, although I will come to that very shortly.  I am talking about here in the UK and Ireland.

Now last time I checked the UK and Ireland were not third world countries and looking around food shops you will see that their shelves are fully stocked so we are not short of food. There is nothing on the news about a food crisis and unless I have missed something fairly major we do not have food rationing in either of these countries. Yet people are going without food or relying on free food hand outs to ensure they get a meal.

When there is a famine in Africa we all reach in out pockets and donate money to help get them food. Our governments once they get their act together normally use some of our money to send aid. Quite rightly so I might add, no one wants to see a starving child. The question I have is what exactly do our governments do to stop people going hungry in their own countries? Do the governments actually know the scale of the problem?  It is no good trying to fix the world if you then can’t put food on your own table. The feel good factor doesn’t control hunger.  

The British government is happy to pump huge amounts of money into the banks. Give massive amounts of money to nuclear armed nations in aid and use vast amounts of money to start wars yet we have people in this country who either go without food or rely on free food handouts. We really do need to get out priorities right here, don’t we?  I am not saying don’t give aid to other countries I am just saying that there needs to be a massive reality check.  A governments priority should be the population of their own country.

I genuinely believe that the situation is worse in Ireland and it breaks my heart to see it.  There is a government that is hammering the population until they squeal then pushing them even further because of the mistakes, bad practices and in some cases criminal activities of a few.  

Prices are continually going up, taxes are being increased which means everyone has less and less money to put food on the table.  I have seen the price of food go up by 10 to 20% in some cases, utility bills are ever increasing so is it a wonder people are having to resort to going without food or relying on handouts?

Isn't food a basic human right?  It certainly on the base of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Why are politicians ignoring this?  Why are people being let down so badly? 

Replay.

I have decided to blog as decent sleep doesn't seem to be an option for me tonight, although saying that I am really not sure what a decent nights sleep is. Answers on a postcard to me!  Even more of a challenge is trying to get my head around events that happened almost 6 years on the dot. I am not talking about my family but a friend called Amy.

There is nothing and no one who can prepare you for the images that are scorched into my mind and that have been on almost constant replay for around 12 hours now. Images that to be honest no one should have to see.  I was never trained or qualified to deal with the situation that I walked into, especially with it being someone I knew.  That night should never have happened. I will admit there are times that I still get angry with Amy.  I don't blame Amy but I still get angry. I get even more angry with those people responsible for her death. It was a needless death, it was a tragedy that should not have happened.

There is so much more I could talk about but now is not the time. I am hurting quite badly and have to get through a days work tomorrow so finally I just want to say.

Rest in peace Amy  xx

Monday meltdown

There is nothing quote like an epic brain fart, aka a flashback to ruin your Monday.  It is my first day back to work after three weeks off and I was hoping to throw myself back into work with my usual gusto. I am not afraid to admit that I was looking forward to going into work. It may not be my perfect job but the company (my team) is great.

On Saturday my brain kicked off in quite spectacular way as I was on my way to buy some food. I managed to get it back under control until I got home. Saturday night got a bit messy and the bruising on my arm will testify to that. Sunday it felt like I had finally got things back under control and all I had to do was be nice to myself until I can get to see my therapist on Wednesday.

That brings us swifty onto this morning. Raring to go I headed into the city to do some shopping and I have the same flashback as I did on Saturday with a little bit more intensity.  My voice has gone and quite frankly I feel rather rubbish now. Yes this big burly bloke is feeling crap and needs a hug.  I can't tell my colleagues about it because it really isn't appropraite to talk about at work. 

The challenge I have now is to get through the rest of my shift and play nicely tonight when I get home. With everything that is going on it is probably a little bit unfair inflicting pain and abuse on myself over something that I can't control. 

brief update

When dealing with March it is one day that I know is going to be exceptionally hard for me.  The build up can be a right mare, the day itself is horrible and it can take me a fair while for me to chill out afterwards. Now moving to this time of the year it turns into an endurance of the worst possible kind.

In July we have what would have been my wife's birthday and Amy's anniversary, then we toddle off into August where it would have been my youngest daughters birthday which is also her anniversary. 

Oh and just to top everything a huge amount of memories of things that have happened to me in the distant past have come back in the most full on way.  Woe is me and all that? err no actually. I don't want or need sympathy.

Just wanted to let everyone know what is going on.

Lost my voice again.

Just an advance warning my post may trigger, if you are feeling delicate or are sensitive to subjects that cover abuse then please don't continue reading this. You have been warned!




I had another episode of my voice going again last week, apart from a mildly sore throat my voice is now fully back. This is obviously a good thing bearing in mind last year I lost it for 5 months which mean't some fairly serious time off work. A repeat of that would have been devastating for me in terms of progressing forward with my life, mentally and financially. Financially I would be screwed to the point that my home would be at significant risk.

Obviously this year I am in a better position that I have been in a very long time. I am fully aware of the warning signs when things start to kick off. The difference this year is that the warning signs weren't subtle, they smacked me as hard as possible.  It was full on hardcore and scared me silly.  It didn't help I went walking in the rain and I tried to put some of the blame on that.

So what was it?  Well nothing to do with my daughters, wife or Amy this time.  This was some really really nasty stuff from my past. It came back in full horrific colour en mass. More than that I ended up feeling very violated.  These are memories that have been buried for along time now.  I am not going to say who, what, why, when and how long for as my immediate priority has to be to protect myself.  I am not in any immediate danger or at risk but that isn't the point. The point is that I am dealing with this with very very little support and I am not sure how to fix it. My throat is getting more and more painful typing this.

I have done enough to get my voice back which is the symptom of the problem.  My biggest issue is night time.  I maybe safe and away from danger but I am getting wound up at night around the time I go to bed.  I am struggling to fall asleep and am waking up very tense so I am not getting a decent nights sleep.   I had a brilliant day on Saturday yet that night I had to spend well over an hour talking myself down and relaxing after I had gone to bed.

Assisted Suicide

I have visited this once before but have decided to re write it and see what sort of reaction I get.

Before I go any further I think I need to say a bit more about myself. I am pro life, I believe that everyone has a right to life. I am 100 percent against the death penalty under any circumstances. I firmly believe that suicide leaves more than one victim, specifically someone has to find the person who has committed suicide and deal with the aftermath. I have had personal experience of suicide after attempting myself and dealing with an attempted suicide of another. Amy did not die of the injuries caused by her suicide attempt but of injuries inflicted before she hung herself.   The Catholic church teaches that taking life is wrong. It is also illegal in the UK to assist someone attempting to commit suicide. I have a living will which gives legally binding instructions if I am in a position where I am unable to make my own decisions.

In this context we are not talking about someone hanging themselves, cutting their wrists, taking an overdose or jumping off a building. We are talking about someone taking their own life in a controlled environment with minimal assistance after what I would hope is very extensive assessment. The person being provided with a lethal amount of a drug but taking it with their own free will.

Everyone has a right to life but should people have the right to choose when, where and at what time they die? Honestly no I don’t think a person should have the right to choose when and where they should die. Not in the context of suicide no.  

I have a living will to safe guard myself and to prevent others being put into the position where they have to make choices they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. There is a standard of life where I am not prepared to go below and if this means that I loose my life so be it, what I won’t be doing is committing suicide. I also have no issue with someone who decides to end treatment for a life threatening condition.  

We do have the right to life and this is protected by law, both nationally and internationally. likewise we also have the right to life without pain and suffering, we have a right to a standard of life so why shouldn’t we have the right to end that life when it falls below an acceptable level?  Because it is wrong, there is always hope (that maybe a poor argument but is is true) How does one judge what is an acceptable standard when it comes to illness or injury? To try would run the risk of valuing one life above another, you may even run the risk of turning someone with a certain injury or illness into a second class citizen and putting pressure on them to end their lives. What safe guards are there to prevent vulnerable people being pressured into killing themselves?

When a person decides to end their life they are considering one person only and that is themselves. Wether it be assisted or not, that person is not considering others. You may accuse me of wanting to see people suffer but that is far from the case. I wouldn’t want anyone I cared about to suffer, I would want the medical profession to ease their pain rather than assist that person to die. Isn’t that what they are there for?

Life is precious, we should not start to de value it by allowing assisted suicide.  

Flashbacks

I am going to say something which is going to sound odd on the basis that flashbacks are nasty horrible things that can leave me anything from being mildly upset to a panicking wreck. Some are heart breaking and some are just wrong in so many ways.

There are that I welcome the flashbacks and even fully embrace them.  In particular the ones I am talking about are of my daughters.  They hurt, they break my already broken heart even further, they remind me of what I have lost but I welcome them.

There are very rare times that I welcome the other flashbacks purely when it is over I can get some peace. I get incredibly tense and wound up when I can feel one coming up.  My brain goes at a million miles per hour and it is relentless.  The moment I found Amy is still burn't into my skull but I have had that one so many times now that unless it is really full on I can deal with the aftermath fairly quickly.  There are other memories coming back from the distant past, thing that I would rather not remember.

The other reason I welcome them is that I know regardless of how bad they may be I know it is my mind trying to heal itself.  I can try my best to fix the damage that I am aware of, the other damage is a different matter.

Angry

After hitting a brick wall at 70mph last Thursday I have managed to sort out the mess that was created using a mixutre of sheer defiance, questioning my actions, distraction and damage minimisation. The annoying thing is that my brain started kicking off over something I know is the right thing to do. This is more than just knowing that I am doing the right thing, the facts back it up. Plus if someone else tried to prevent me from doing what I know works with my daughters we would have an issue.  To put it mildly I would kick off in the biggest and most public way possible.  I plan to take steps to ensure when it would have been my youngest daughters birthday in August I will do whatever I consider necesscary to get through it.  It may have taken a week to get it back under control but I have done.

After dealing with that it hit me again, this time even harder. The sheer amount of things I have been through, had inflicted on me or lived through is horrific. Not just my family or Amy but a huge amount of other stuff that is to graphic for me to talk about on this blog.  Some of it I wouldn't change but there are loads and loads that can't be changed. I am the one left to repair the damage and fixed what is broken.

You will have to forgive me if I remain fairly quiet on here but I am really fucked off with the world and the world isn't helping matters.

The progress continues

Sometimes my body is just weird and very unpredictable.  The urges to self injure are fairly intense at the moment, it feels like my body desires the pain, the release and the emotional nose dive. It almost borders on a need at times.  I know from the past that what I am feeling is the addiction, the need for the release is addictive.

Last night whilst eating a packet of fruit flakes I managed to extract a crown. It wasn't exactly a pleasant experience and felt like I had been punched in the face. My body went into shutdown and I became incredibly tired.  Exhausted was an understatement, not my usual reaction to pain.  It may have been the fact that I hate going to the dentist, the fact that I thought it was going to be expensive to sort out or the fact that it was entirely unintentional that caused the reaction. Who knows?

Moving onto my birthday I am really proud to say that I managed to get to 4pm before my brain kicked off over my family and my mood crashed. I managed to ignore the negative thoughts leading up to my birthday. I treated myself and even bought myself some cake. I even fought off the huge urges to harm myself. This was a definite improvement on last year and a vast improvement on previous years.

Why am I so angry?

You will have to forgive my very angry posts recently, it is very rare for my temper to completely boil over but it has done. There are people out there who have used my daughters, in particular my eldest daughter as a weapon against me. We maybe in 2011 but there are 'people' who think that using my daughters as a weapon against me is perfectly acceptable. These people with their actions have caused a huge amount of distress, their actions are extremely offensive and they don't know the depths of my anger.  I have always said that they were off limits to everyone but this was ignored. I actually don't know what to do, so this time I have allowed my anger to boil over in a public way.  I am far to angry to forgive, until I am satisfied and calm again then forgiving these people would be impossible.

The event that I am talking about happened many months ago.  The reason I am posting now is to remind people that I haven't forgotten what they have done, I won't be forgetting what they have done. Time and lack of action on their part has only served to increase my anger and the damage that has been done.

Dare to cross the line?

meh

Well it is my birthday on Sunday and this year I have bought myself Andrea Corr's new album and Black Swan on DVD. It has been a few years since I have actually bought myself something for my birthday so this marks a significant change for me as normally I don't buy myself anything. I hope that I will eventually get to the point that I can have a proper birthday.

I am feeling insecure at the moment and at times it is increasing my anxiety levels. It is the sort of insecurity that can be cured with a proper hug. I know what is causing this but frustratingly there is nothing I can do about it at the moment. A decent nights sleep should hopefully help.

limits

Today is my first post for a while. I haven't been able to get how I am feeling out in a way that makes any sense. When leaving work today I was feeling a bit miffed and my first thought was now was the time to tear myself apart again.

I very firmly believe that I had to tear myself apart, to take a nose dive into a black hole of emotions and pain to get myself to the place I am in now. I am not going to say it was the right thing to do or an active choice on my part but it had to happen. Even with the massive progress I have made I am still walking a tight rope. I still get urges to injure myself and at times get the urge to really let rip at myself.

My family is precious to me and where I draw the limit. In other words my daughters are strictly off limits, believe it or not but people still use my daughters as a weapon to attack me. It has happened numerous times now. I never forget when a person is stupid enough to use my daughters as a weapon against me.

Another mistake people can and do make is trying to compare the loss of one child against the loss of another child. Loosing a baby is devastating regardless of wether it is a miscarriage, still birth, the baby is premature and lives for a few minutes or the baby dies weeks after birth. You can't compare and to do so would mean regarding one loss as less than another. To do so is insulting. The loss of a child is very very serious!

New Years Resolution

Today I took another step to fulfilling my new years resolution of doubling the amount of money I give to charity. I have now doubled the monthly donation I give to SANDS through payroll giving. I know that we are not talking about huge amount of money but the important thing is that I am increasing the amount I give. These charitable donations exclude anything I give to the church and any purchases through shops etc.

My aim is to give a minimum of 2% of my gross annual income to charity each year for the rest of my working life. This may not sound like a huge amount but bear in mind the exclusions I have, if you include purchases from charity shops and any money I give through church then the figure drastically increases.

Update

I haven't been a happy bunny for a few weeks now, at times I have been pouring out the anger. I have ranged from Melancholy to exploding with anger. It has been tiring just trying to keep up with myself at times. This has needed to happen and I believe will help me in the long term, it has shown me what I need to deal with next and how well I am coping at the moment. (a bit of a contradiction to what I wrote yesterday, bear with me though)

I have written in detail recently about my friend Amy. Things are messy, a massive amount of emotions and I still have a huge amount of questions that need answering. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. I know that there are somethings that will never be resolved and some things that just can't be fixed. I have made the right decision to move the focus away from her to ease pressure on me. As I am dealing with this on my own I have to do it at my own pace, this isn't me stamping down on it.

As I have previously said there are some things that will never be resolved, some things will never be fixed and I am not sure how long it will take me to deal with what I can. There isn't really much more I can say at the moment as I am not sure how this is going to progress.

I can't cope

Yet again I am having to move the focus away from dealing with my friends death. I have tried openly talking about Amy before but ended up stamping things down because I couldn't cope with the emotions and it felt like people were turning on me. This time I have tried dealing with it on my own, whilst I have made a tiny amount of progress I have got to the point again where I can't cope. I don't want to get to the point where I end up turning on myself over this, I have done enough damage to myself already.

I am angry with Amy, I understand she had been attacked but she didn't need to hang herself. She didn't need to do it the way she did it! She could have phoned us, she could have phoned an ambulance or the police, she could have gone to a neighbour! No she chooses to hang herself knowing full well that it would have been me or my other half would find her. This may sound like I am being nasty but it is the way that I really feel at the moment.

The other issue that I have is that I have daily reminders of what happened with Amy. There are more triggers that set off flashbacks and I feel very pressured to fix everything and move on.

Birthdays

I want to talk about my daughters and their birthdays. I have spoken in great depth about the raw pain, how it devastates me and how it reduces me to tears. It is something that I only express in the privacy of my own home.

Twice a year on the run up to their birthdays I do something completely different. I deliberately allow the pain and emotion to take over me. I accept, embrace and ride the tidal wave. It is something that I need to do. I walk into the city and spend time choosing the perfect birthday card for them. It is a public show of strength which shows my daughters that I still love them and will NEVER forget them. It is heartbreaking, it hurts, it is a journey that I have to do on my own. It is a journey that makes me stronger.

Always loved, never forgotten. xx

Venting

It has been a very long time since I have really cut myself now. I miss the cold blade in my arm, the warmth of the blood as it pours down my arm and seeing just how much pain I could take. When I cut myself I was able to bring out all the pain, horror, hurt, sorrow and grief in the form of a pure understandable rage. I miss the release that only cutting brings. Yes I have the urges at the moment. They aren't the overwhelming urges but the subtle suggestive type.

I always believed that I would be eventually be in a place where I could retrain as a first aider and resume voluntary work. The fear of a repeat of a situation similar to Amy still plays on my mind. The way I have been and continue to be punished by people for doing the right thing. The way that we suffered and in my case continue to have serious issues over that night would prevent me carrying out my duties as a first aider, it would prevent me from doing the right thing. The first aid skills that I have will only ever be used for treating me if I need it. In others words I will never do what I did that night again, self preservation will override the desire to help and to do the right thing. <--- Saying this makes me feel like a complete failure.

It has now been over a year since I was in Ireland this Irritates me. Money is going to be very tight for the next few months which frustrates me as I could really do with a day out of Norwich. I need a hug but don't have the confidence to ask anyone at the moment, self injuring makes that worse. It is even more bizarre after the weekend I have just had. I am concerned about my arm and wrist as I am getting pins and needles again. I feel like I am being ignored by people who should notice me. I constantly tired after eating and I am concerned about work.

What is attention seeking?

I hate the phrase attention seeker almost as much as the label of self harmer, both are very negative labels and normally if you are branded as a self harmer then the label of attention seeker normally follows fairly quickly afterwards. I have personally been branded with the self harmer label and very rarely the attention seeker label. What exactly is an attention seeker? You may not like this but every single one of us is an attention seeker in one form or another. Unless we are completely socially isolated then we spend most of our lives seeking attention in some form or another. The list of ways we seek attention goes on and on. Even with this we still label certain people 'attention seekers' I know I go out of my way to avoid being labelled with it again.

Yes I resort to self injury at times but I would argue that I am not an attention seeker. I certainly don't go shouting it around after I have injured myself. I don't do self pity as I consider it a sign of weakness and a failure on my part. I certainly don't go looking for sympathy or pity from others, for me to try something like that after injuring myself would border on offensive so that just doesn't happen, never have and never will do. On the rare occasion I do anything serious I will carry on as normal afterwards and only get medical help if I am unable to cope with my injuries. I currently have fairly extensive bruising on my arm after a major blip at the weekend and yet I haven't told anyone outside of this blog the extent of my injuries, the reason it happened or anything else. My arm is covered so it doesn't attract attention, I have told those who have asked that I had a bad weekend and nothing else. I will treat my arm myself, deal with the issues that caused it on my own and move on. Yet even with all of this, some people would assume to brand me as an attention seeker.

If anyone could explain that to me I would appreciate it.

A message for people who think they know me better than I know myself.

Asking for a hug.
Extreme fun.
My personal pain.
My weekly focus.
The letter.


If you think that you are close to me then please read the above. They are in order of how personal they are to me and how much I protect them. If you are really close to me then you will know what I am talking about here. There are people who think they are really close to me and that they know me better than I know myself. This is to prove them wrong! Just because I open up and let you closer to me doesn't mean you know me better than I know myself.

Rant over!

Inner strength?

I have been told that Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long. I am not sure wether I would be classed as being depressed, the one thing I do know is that I have been using a huge amount of strength for a very long time now. I have made a huge amount of progress and done it on my own. Looking at the situation I am in at the moment I think opening up and talking about what is going on wouldn’t be a weakness more of a failure to protect myself. I don’t think there is anyone around me that I can trust enough to talk about it anyway and no it isn’t meant as an insult.

I have a problem that I am prepared to talk about though. My inner strength which is something I heavily rely on has completely collapsed. The little bit of peace I had is wavering badly. It doesn’t help that my usual weekly routine has now been thrown out for nearly a month now. Once a week when in the city I visit one place where I can practice the central part of my faith, get my focus back and reinforce the peace I have. This is vital for me, the benefits are huge for the time and effort involved. Today I really needed to do this as when I am feeling like this, it gives me the help I need. Yet again I was prevented due to the noise, people working and not being able to fully do what I need. There isn’t a plan b for me with this as nothing else works as well. I haven’t got a clue how to get this back under control now.

I am now at the point where I think my only option now is to travel out of Norwich to London. Apart from Dublin it is the one location where I will be able to do what I need to do to get this under control and my strength back. Going to London for the day is expensive even for a few hours, especially when money is very tight so that isn’t really an option. Please forgive me but I need to go now and have a mini melt down. I need to release some of the pain.

In a bad mood

On days like this I believe me only purpose in life is to serve others, to be a punch bag when necessary, to be a shoulder to cry on and finally to be the one who clears up the mess when things go really wrong. I am required to consider others regardless of my feelings. I must then deal with myself in private and never openly talk about me and the mess I maybe in.

This is actually my second go at writing my blog today, I had to delete the first version as publishing it may have upset someone. Never mind that I was being very open and honest I am required to consider their feelings first. It annoys me as this is my blog with my own views and opinions, it has and continues to help me. If I can’t be fully open then what is the point of me spending time writing this blog?

Quite frankly I don’t care how much trouble I get in for talking about this anymore. We all have our limits and yesterday I was sent beyond what I can normally cope with. Even more since I am in the middle of quite a harsh blip. Last night I ended up being quite evil with myself, unusually I ended up in tears as a result. I inflicted a large amount of pain on myself, I was punishing myself so what was I supposed to do? Today I am still in pain, my body is kicking off, I now have the urges to really let rip and really make myself suffer. Nothing unusual there then. I have been fighting the usual epic mood crash, I haven’t cut myself and I am hoping that I don’t end up with a huge amount of bruising.

Did I need to do that to myself? Probably not no but it happened. With everything else that is happening the chances are that something would have happened. I am not super human even with all the experience I have. I am not looking for sympathy, I am not even sure if I am looking for understanding to be honest. My priority is me and I need to repair the damage that has been done. To me the important thing is what happens next. Self pity doesn’t even enter the equation. I plan to take it easy for the next couple of days. I will be regaining my focus and some inner calm which will include focusing on my spiritual side. This will include treating myself, treating my injuries, accepting what has happened and then moving on. I will be doing in a way that means the vast majority will never know what has happened.

On a side note I don’t think it is helping that I am unable to tell people that I am struggling over Amy’s death. To be honest I really doubt people would care.

Using memories to focus

If there is emotional turmoil inside then putting on a happy act will only cover it up so much. Anyone who knows you well will see right through a happy act. You have to be careful when putting on a happy act as it can end up looking very false. Using self injury is only a temporary measure which can badly go wrong, from personal experience the epic mood drop is worse than anything that is going on internally.

I am really hurting inside at the moment and whilst I have acknowledged it and doing my best to cope with it I need my focus back. I need to concentrate on the normal life things like my job, friends and life in general. I decided today to use one of the most powerful distraction methods that I have, it is probably the best method that I have that doesn’t involve pain or risk.

There is a pond near where I work and I go there when I am having a bad day or today I need my focus back. As I sat there watching the ducks I took myself back to a walk that I had one lunch time several years ago. That walk was perfect! I used as many of my senses as possible to focus on the tiny things from that walk like the weather, what we were wearing and the trees rustling. When doing this my aim is to completely remove myself back to that point, clearing my mind of everything but that point in time. It worked for me so when I returned back to work I was able to give 100 percent.

We all have the really good points in life and those memories can help you get through difficult times and get your focus back. Now I am in the privacy of my own home I can deal with the internal mess.

lobbying

Maybe this isn't the best way of putting this, as I am not a politician or the like I can't dress up a failure as something it is not. Since the run up to the last general election I have been lobbying to protect neonatal services, increase funding for research and the support of parents who have lost babies. I have pushed quite hard and been very persistent over the subject to the apparent irritation of some. Firstly I started with the Conservative party then my MP and finally a member of the house of Lords.

I shall start with the House of Lords, I did my research to find out the most appropriate person to write to. I then made sure I addressed him properly, I gave a brief history followed by what I was looking for. There wasn't any emotion or political arguments. It seems I wasn't worthy enough for an actual response from the Lord I wrote to. My letter was forwarded on to someone else and down the chain until they found someone to reply to me. I wasn't even worth a letter, what I got was an attachment on an e mail that I couldn't reply to. Perhaps next time I will use my title and then see if I am more worthy of a reply.

Moving onto my MP, credit where credit is deserved and I have to give her some. Obviously being a Conservative whip she is going to follow policy to the letter. However she was as helpful as she could be, she did her job, replied to my letters, forwarded my letters onto the relevant people and clarified answers. Finally and refreshingly she was and has been straight to the point with her answers. Much I would like to say my work made a tiny difference but it seems not.

I am a frustrated as it seems that governments do not like mass protests, they don't want to get into reasonable debates about things and yet they are supposed to serve us. They have now said that they are using a natural pause in legislation to listen to views about NHS reforms. My question is why couldn't they have listened at the start rather than waiting until now. It did take me some time to find out if the little people like me could make their views known and where I should make them. As an individual you can give your opinion even though on the website it appears that they are only looking for organisations, frontline staff and patient representatives.

I have yet to be convinced that this new process will make a difference or result in any changes to the legislation that is currently in Parliament. The message I got was that the decisions had been made, that very little would change and that they were only interested in views from a limited group of people. You have to bear in mind though that as a service user I am at the very bottom of a long food chain.

Even though my persistence has resulted in complete failure I would encourage others to contact their MP to make their views known. The more people that do contact their MP, the higher the chances that the government might actually listen.

Amy

I am hoping that this will be the last post for a while at least about my friend. I am hoping this will finally ease things for me and when I go to work on Monday I will be able to give a hundred percent. Don't get me wrong I miss Amy, this is not about forgetting her. Please forgive my frustration but I am having to deal with huge amounts on my own and I am not super human.

What really makes me angry is that I did the right thing unlike some people. I had spent years practicing and perfecting my resuscitation techniques whilst volunteering. I had been through numerous first aid courses, although none covered the specific emergency that I dealt with that night. I had never been trained to deal with a resuscitation of a person with a suspected broken neck. I took the decision to use those skills I had with assistance. I also took the decision to protect others, namely my other half from certain things about that night. She had questions about Amy and I chose to protect her from the full horror. Both decisions were the right ones and I would do the same again.

Where I believe I went wrong was my decision to keep completely quiet about what had happened and what I had done that night. My priority was others above and beyond myself. The thing is that even with the overwhelming evidence including statements from others, no one would have believed a word of what I said. People chose to believe the lies of one particular person and decided that I would have to pay. They made me suffer and my life very miserable, they made me doubt. The damage that had been done that night with Amy's death was made a thousand times worse by these people. My trust in certain people was finally completely destroyed and a system designed to protect me failed me. My other half Michaela suffered after what she went through that night, she took a decision that I didn’t find out about until after her death. It changed us both in massive ways both of us wanted the other to do drastic things to each other. I am not prepared to take on a victim status but the loss has been huge. Even with all of this I have kept quiet, not that anyone has offered me any help or support. I believe this made matters worse as it seemed to justify what people were doing. I am not 100 percent convinced that people have stopped even though it is now public knowledge.

As we head towards six years my priority is me, it has to be me! I don’t think I will ever be able to work as a first aider again. I am not sure if I will be ever be able to fully restore my trust in certain people. I haven’t got a clue how to restore my trust in a system that so badly failed me. Time has already eased the pain of loosing Amy. Time and some very limited assistance has given me a bit of peace. I have methods in place to deal with the memories. The rest I will work on as and when I am in a place to deal with it.

I wish however people would recognise what I am dealing with, my loss and the pain I feel over Amy’s death. Time I am afraid doesn’t cure everything.


Just a side note, I am being very proactive in trying to protect myself so have not and will not go into any more detail than what I have already written. I have deliberately not named any names or gone into any more specific detail about events for this reason. I hope you will forgive me for this but it feels like I am still being punished for doing the right thing

Thanks

Around 10 o'clock this morning I finally lost patience with myself over the way things were constantly kicking off. As far as I was concerned I had done more than enough to ease the stress and memories. I had been very proactive in trying to bring the wobble I have been having, I even gave myself a few days grace after last weekend. As far as I am concerned if I have done everything to deal with a problem then I am left with one last option and that is to stamp on it. It is extreme but I have to function, I have to move forward and to be honest I only have so much patience with things I have no idea how to fix.

Stamping on the problem can only be described as the nuclear option for me. It is direct, very targeted and evil. Using this method involves taking the extreme stuff I do to the very limit. It hurts like hell, wrecks me emotionally, is physically exhausting and has the possibility of leaving permanent damage.

By the time I left work at 5pm today I was calmer, focused and happier. The wobble I was having seems to have eased. I have to say I am grateful to everyone.

Sleep

Sleep is a wonderful thing isn't it? For some reason my body clock is now completely screwed up and I am now normally awake before the dawn chorus. I would rather not be awake before the birds kick off in the morning or to be woken up by them but sleep seems to elude me. I think I am now getting to my limit which is why I seem to be having a fairly major wobble.

I am looking forward to the weekend when hopefully I will be able to catch up on my sleep and be able to get my focus back.

Pushing forward

I have been pondering for a while if I should write this blog and say exactly what is going on and why I am doing it. I have now come to the point where I believe that openly talking about things may help me and possibly help people understand why I am pushing as hard as possible.

I started the year with a clean slate which was very unusual for me, I specifically decided that this was the only way I could start the year. No targets, no pressure and certainly no room for failure as there wasn’t anything to fail. Within a few weeks and looking back at last year I decided that this year was about moving forward. By the end of the year I want to see very big steps forward with my life.

It is no secret that I have been completely let down by people, hurt by others, had some go way over the line, had irreparable damage done by some and been given no support by people I was hoping and relying on. Finally it feels like the system has let me down in some cases. On the flip side there have been some fantastic brilliant people who have given me their support and assistance which I am beyond grateful for.

I have seen and been through some really fucked up things, some of the memories and knowledge I now have is even more fucked up. Seriously just trying to process one of the event results in me doing very extreme things like I have recently done. These events are part of who I am but they do not define me, however I have to deal with them. I need to be in a better place, I need to remove the pain and make things easier to deal with. I need to ease the suffering. I also need to accept the cost and finally accept that people aren’t going to change.

To put it simply I am trying to move forward, get on with my life and find peace. I am doing this with extremely limited support. There are times that I am going to use whatever methods I need to get things back under control until I work out a way to deal with what is going on. I believe the phrase is to use a sledge hammer to crack a nut. I have very little choice on the matter as I have to also maintain a normal life. I have already started, once I have identified what I need to do then I can really push forward. Finally the reason I am doing this on my own is that I have given up on people over what has happened, I am not planning on having my faith in humanity damaged anymore.

The long term benefits of what I am doing far out weighs the costs. I believe it is a positive step forward for me.

Monday morning and it hits me.

By the end of last week I knew I was heading for a bit of relapse with my self injuring, well when I say bit of a relapse I mean a full on nose dive towards oblivion. The urges to do damage to myself had become overwhelming. I decided during the day on Saturday that I was going to have to do something extreme to get things back under control and me levelled out.

I have written in detail about the self injuring, the methods I use and the measures I have in place to prevent it happening and aid my recovery. There is a seperate side to what I do which really can't be defined as self injuring as it isn't something I can do on my own. It is partly about sex and I do get some kicks out of it initially but it would be impossible to get anything out of the extremes that I go to. The method I used at the weekend resulted in me passing out. What I did doesn't particularly hurt but it does leave me a bit of a wreck emotionally.

The positive thing is that it worked, I have managed to stop myself taking the nose dive. I have prevented ending up in the mess that was going to happen and the focus has been moved onto more manageable things.

Today it has really hit me hard.

Today

When I woken up at silly o’clock apart from being miffed at waking up so early on my day off I could see it was going to be a beautiful sunny day. My mood was great and I was feeling very positive, even positive about the future. It was a great walk into the city and some very full on flirting at one point. Shopping was done and a visit to Starbucks. There has been some online tweeting as well. I did miss out on my usual stop for cake but I will make up for it next week. So for someone who had no plans it has been quite a good day.

I know that I have a huge amount of anger inside of me and that reared its ugly head today. The only way I can describe it is a pure anger, a vile ugly thing that whilst being very justified is something that I can’t normally express. I tend to feel it when I have been particularly nasty to myself or done some of the more extreme stuff that I have done and still do on occasion.

It is unusual for the anger to kick off when I haven’t provoked it in the normal way. As I have previously written I now at the point where I am able to to deal with my friends death which was nearly six years ago now. I have a huge amount of anger over what happened, the knowledge I will have to carry and the deep personal cost above and beyond loosing a friend. This I believe is why the anger kicked off suddenly today. Unlike with my family, especially my daughters with my friend is isn’t about the loss. It is about everything around it.

Don’t get me wrong this didn’t ruin my day! However it did prevent me from doing one thing that is really important to me. It is the one thing that normally regardless of what is happening I will specifically make time for each week. I am reasonably pleased that even with this failure I haven’t turned on myself or punished myself. To me not performing this task each week is a failure regardless of the reasons why and would normally result in me being quite evil to myself. I am even ignoring the urges that are kicking off now.

I started the day very positively and I hope you can see that I am finishing the day in a similar way.

Changes to first aid courses

I have previously written that I believe first aid should be taught in schools and colleges and to all students. I still stand by that belief but I would suggest a change in how first aid is taught to people who are first aiders or have a significant chance of actually having to adminsiter first aid to a casuality.

The part I would change is to when a first aider has to deal with the aftermath of an incident. I know for the vast majority of the time, the most a first aider is going to deal with is cuts, broken bones and perhaps an unconscious person. However there are occasions where an incident is far more serious such as a serious car crash, suicide, or a major incident. Obviously in these cases the emergency services take over but even as a first aider you have your part to play in dealing with the aftermath. With adrenaline running and your focus is on other people there is a chance that you will miss the most important person which is you.

Anyone who has adminsitered CPR (resuscitation) on a casuality will tell you that it is completely different. There is also a high chance that you will not be able to successfully resusciate a person. To put it bluntly you would have to be a hard emotionless bastard for something like that not to effect you. This is precisley why on top of safety they should make specific point of dealing with and taking care of yourself after you have dealt with a serious incident.

I know in my case I managed to successfully resuscitate her even with her other injuries. I did as much as I could to care for my friend, I did as much as I could for everyone else whilst completely ignoring myself. No one had taught me what to do. As I have written before that event changed me and my other half in huge ways, I am still paying the price nearly six years later. I have to be honest and say I am not sure if I will ever be able to fix what is broken.

Paying a high price

I am now in the process of dealing with the most difficult part of the death of my friend six years ago. On the whole I haven't discussed what happened that night apart from when legally being required to and in very limited way with other people. I am more than happy to talk to her friends in more detail about what happened and how I managed to resuscitate her. In normal first aid courses you will learn how to administer CPR, you may at a push learn about spinal injuries. The majority of the time the most you will be told to immobilise them and ensure they don't move until the paramedics arrive. To my knowledge there isn't any first aid course that deals with suicides or how to resuscitate someone with a suspected broken neck. First aid courses give you the skills to deal with certain situations on the basis that more qualified help is on it's way.

One thought that keeps on crossing my mind is that is there to much of a price to pay for doing the right thing? I have personally paid a huge price for my actions that night and six years later I am still paying in ways that shouldn't be happening.

Tuesday

I think for the first time in a very long time that I can say that I actually am starting to look forward to going to work. I am 100% confident that I will soon get to the point where I can say that I am love my job. I must admit I am feeling very cautious because it always seems that when things start to look up and things are going well there is always a fall. I am keeping my fingers and toes cross but I still have a nasty feeling something will go wrong.

I am still having problems getting my brain to switch off at times and I must admit I thought things were going to kick off today. For me it is always a combination of tiredness, pressure and a trigger. Believe it or not but it used to be ambulance sirens, now it is fire alarms. The last few weeks I have been getting really wound up when I know the fire alarms are going to be tested at work but again it seems that things are getting easier.

There are two major flashbacks that I still get with numerous different milder ones. There is one that I always seem to get at work at it scares me silly. It is always of me walking into my friends bedroom and finding her. It is always at that point, never whilst I am administering first aid or after I resuscitated her. The second one is with my eldest daughter at various points but recently it has been just after she had died. It is so bad for me that I find it difficult to type and talking about it is even worse. It hurts like hell and breaks my already broken heart even more.

I think finally tonight I want to admit just how far I have been to try and replace one pain with another. Using physical pain to remove emotional pain. There has been some days where I couldn’t lean back in my seat for the bruising, I have done things that have bordered on ridiculously dangerous. Some of it I asked to do, other things that have been forced on me.

The scary thing is that I think I need to go back down a dark, dangerous path to try any remove or ease some of the emotional pain that I am feeling.

Ramblings

I have been trying to write this blog on and off all day and the only way I can really do anything is by putting some random thoughts in the blog. The may not make sense but I need to vent and relieve some of the building frustration I am feeling.

Today I weep for a lady who is in my heart, she is the mother of my eldest daughter and someone who gave me so much in life.
I can define the exact moment I fell in love with my wife, the moment I bonded with my daughter and the moment that my lifetime of personal pain started.
I would go through all the pain, rejection, abandonment, hurt and suffering I have been through in my life ten times over to spend just a few minutes with my wife and daughters again.
If I talk about spending lots of money shopping then it means I am stressed and there is a problem. If I actually start it means I have lost control of the situation.
I have successfully resuscitated a friend who had a broken neck.
I have changed so much because of what has happened to me over the last few years. I still struggle to ask for simple things like a hug.
Listening to the violin can very quickly improve my mood.
I am a friend of an art academy in Ireland, I import tea and hot chocolate from Ireland.
I have a Vanity Fair print to remind me of my wife. It is the first purchase towards my eventual home.
I don’t believe in using prayer mats, the cold hard concrete helps me focus.
Contrary to popular belief I am neutral on the royal family.
I find accents very attractive and the wrong sort of accent can put me off someone.
I am trying to double the amount of money I give to charity this year.
I have found that the longer I am vegetarian the less appealing meat has become. I can watch a cookery programme and see some meat being cooked and it will mean nothing to me.
I still fear being back in a position where I am on the streets, no one for support, have lost everything and on the brink of sleeping rough.

Bring on the positivity!

*raises hand* I have gone through some pretty intense flashbacks recently, some have scared me silly and others have broken my heart. March is always a very difficult time of the year for me. Virtually all of what has been going on has been completely hidden from 99.99% of everyone that knows me. I have done what I needed to get through this time.

Here comes the positivity! I will repeat what I have just said, I have done what I needed to do to get through this time whilst drawing very little attention to myself or what is happening. I have diverted peoples attention away from me. I have done it with very little money, support or wiggle room. I have avoided inflicting any damage on myself and hopefully continued to change peoples perception of me.

I am now stronger than I have ever been and I am actively planning for the future. It may sound corny but for me the future is a far brighter than the past could ever be. The urges to injure myself are becoming less and no where near as intense as they used to be. I am able to acknowledge them when they happen, view them as urges and nothing more and know that the feeling will pass. I am being very proactive in dealing with issues as they arise and getting things sorted quicker than I would have done before. Also I think I need to say that I am not running away from the past, I am embracing the parts of the past that I need to and bringing them along with me.

*insert smilie face here*

Bad Day

I am reliably told that flashbacks are a good thing, it is the minds way of fixing things. I suppose it goes back to the events to try and find a way of resolving what has happened. I am currently going through a period of time where mine are getting more intense and distressing. Today was a major one where my sense of safety completely disappeared resulting in me panicking and having to leave work. Another weird side effect was my arm got really really painful. I am told that I must accept them and let them happen.

There are some events in life that can't be changed or altered. There are some things that just can't be repaired regardless of how many times you visit the event or are taken there by a mind trying to repair the damage caused. Lives that have been taken in the most heartbreaking ways can't be returned. It isn't fair that a broken heart is damaged further by revisiting those moments where the loss is the hardest and the distress is the highest. I am told this is normal and I must endure it whilst functioning normally.

When do the flashbacks end? Why must I take so many steps forward just to be knocked back by my mind trying to fix what can't be fixed?

Help

i have been struggling with a specific flash back for days now, it has a grip on me and isn’t letting go. I have tried all of the usual things distraction, grounding myself and distancing myself from it and so far it hasn’t worked. I think it is because my brain is still trying to work out how to deal with it. I need to find a way to get this under control as I am back at work tomorrow and I am required to have everything perfectly under control and have their specified public image showing. I honestly can’t afford for my job to be impacted and if I let on there is a fairly major problem it will just add onto those issues. I am fighting the urges to use some quite extreme methods which admittedly would get things back under control fairly instantly.

I have coping strategies and I am fully aware of the triggers that normally set off a flashback. However they seem to be becoming more unpredictable and they are becoming stronger and stronger. I am finding it harder to ground myself and the effects seem to be lasting for days now.

I am being as proactive as I can which is why I am writing this post. If anyone knows any UK based organisations or charities that can help me then can you please let me know. DM, e mail, tweet or send a messenger pigeon. I am not going to have a repeat of last year where I completely lost control.

Rant

I need a good old fashion rant so please bear with me and forgive me in advance. I know there are more important things going on in the world but honestly there are some things and people that are really starting to annoy me.

In the last week I have had the pleasure of sitting and listening to people make comments and judge me because I am wearing a hoodie. Both times I have been in church and these people who claim to be Catholics seem to think it is acceptable to publicly judge another person because of the clothes they are wearing. Just because you are old doesn’t give you the right to be rude, judgmental and to act in a way that is going to cause others offence.

Yes I wear a hoodie! That doesn’t mean that I am going rob you, abuse you or be nasty in any way. No I don’t take drugs, I very rarely drink and I treat others the way I expect to be treated. I work full time and I pay taxes, I am responsible and ensure that I pay my bills on time. I give to charity as much as I possibly can. Oh and lets move onto clothes my favourite label is Armani, my shoes are Timberland and whilst I may look scruffy at times the look I have is spot on perfect. Something the 9 out of 10 people can’t manage and no I don’t have to spend hours getting ready.

I am a private person so this means unlike the most people I won’t openly talk about who I am seeing or what I am doing unless I know you. Why because unlike the Jeremy Kyle generation or these Catholics I don’t feel to openly discuss my private life in the hope of getting some acceptance. I have done some huge amazing things over the last 10 years and again I don’t feel the urge to throw that in everyones face because I don’t feel the need to justify my worth to society. My worth to society is already known and accepted

Edge of life news article

As this news report directly effects me and my experiences I have decided to discuss it and give my side of the story. Here is a link to the story http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12625253 The story talks about very premature babies and their fight for life. It gives the statistics that only nine babies in a hundred born at 23 weeks will survive and out of the survivors most are disabled.

Later on in the article it talks about in Holland they have a policy of non intervention. The article says Resuscitating babies at 23 weeks is not universal. In Holland the policy is to not intervene with babies born at this time, and to allow them to die a dignified death. "That is how nature works there is no way you can help these babies," said Professor Arend Bos from the Dutch Society of Neonatologists."I think we are doing more harm to treat them and after two or three hours or days or six weeks the infant will die anyway, having had a lot of suffering and pain that doesn't have any purpose to it." The article then asks should we adopt the same policy in the UK.

I have to point out that section 1, article 2 of the european convention on human rights protects the right to life. In the UK this is enforced under the Human Rights act of 1998. This would also apply to premature babies regardless of how premature they are born. I know this is a very simplistic view but from my point of view is that if a baby is able to breathe then it must have a viable life and therefore the human rights act must apply. I would also say that doctors have a duty of care.

However this is where things get a bit more complicated and things aren’t so black and white. As a parent all I wanted was to spend as much time as possible with my daughters, my instinct and everything inside of me wanted everything possible done to save them. I would have taken care of them regardless of how ill or disabled they were. On the flip side of this I wouldn’t and didn’t want my daughters to suffer. It has taken me a huge amount of effort to say this but with my eldest daughters medical intervention quite possibly would have made her suffer and cause her pain. I am now in tears typing this but allowing my daughters to die with dignity in my arms without massive medical intervention was the best thing I could do for them. They both fought for life though and I am beyond proud of them.

I would also argue that there may be cases were not intervening would cause the baby distress and to suffer. There are also parents who would want and expect the doctors to intervene regardless of the situation. The article doesn’t say what happens in Holland in these cases. Finally there are the genuine miracles where babies survive against all odds, I would ask that surely these babies deserve all available support and help?

Personally I believe that the UK should not adopt the same policy as Holland. Every single baby should be given the best possible care on the basis on the medical evidence the baby presents and yes that should include allowing the baby to die with dignity if nothing else can be done.

Finally the article talks about over £10 million being spent on babies born at 23 weeks yet the survival figures haven’t increased. If we start to use cost to justify not intervening then we as a country have taken a huge step back as a society. The total NHS budget is £110 billion so the £10 million spent on trying to save babies born at 23 weeks represents a tiny proportion of the budget. I would say that this money is well spent and I am currently fighting for the funding of neonatal services to be increased.

Time off

A question I get asked frequently is why do you take so much time off in March? Most people then go on to tell me that I shouldn’t focus on March 8th and that I should treat every day as a normal day. Obviously these people have not lost children and don’t really understand my reasoning. This blog is about answering that question and not about having a go at them. I really do hope I get to the point where I can drastically reduce the amount of time off I have in March but it isn’t the right time and my life isn’t at the point where reducing the time off I have is safe.

As I am writing this I am currently using multiple methods to try and ground myself. I have had a major flashback which came on unexpectedly and with non of the usual warning signs and triggers. It was bad enough for me to loose track of reality. This is also not one that I am used to or had before. It happened on the bus on the way home I am glad no one was about to see me rapidly turn into a quivering mess. I have managed to get home without letting on what has happened. Had I been at work I would have had to go home meaning more sickness and possibly trouble for me. It would have also drawn allot of attention to me which is something I don’t want.

I am not going to talk about what actually happened in the flashback as I think it is to graphic/upsetting to be talked about on here. Also I don’t want to trigger a bigger or worse flashback even with me being in the safety of my home. You will also have forgive me if I am not very responsive online for today as these can take a while to get fully under control.

Change

I feel I need to do a slightly unusual blog post for me today. It is partly a big myself up post but also partly I feel like I need to show the world how much I have changed and how strong I really am.

I have partly tried this before and it didn’t work, perhaps because I wasn’t strong enough but I think the reality is that I am now in a completely different place in my life. It is partly about acceptance, partly about embracing the bad as well as the good, proactively dealing with issues as they arrive and finally only fighting the battles that I have a chance of winning. Although the first few months of the year have been hard I still believe that my approach has made them easier to deal with than they would have been previously. I am also a firm believer that if you want change in your life then you have to be the one to make it happen. No one is going to do it for you, this is particularly true in my case with the limited support I have in my life.

Reading my previous posts you will see that this time of the year is especially hard for me. When I get it wrong it can take large amounts of time and money to clear up the aftermath. Now I could very easily go to the doctor and be put on medication which would help with the flashbacks, the urges to harm and the very mixed emotions. I could also spend every evening drinking which would also have a similar effect. I could also run away and spend the next couple of weeks in a different city. I won’t though, what I will do is accept and embrace what is going on. I will be using this blog to express myself in the knowledge that it helps and that no one is forced to read it, I will also be using the support I have to deal with the particularly difficult parts. I know that in a couple of weeks after the anniversary things will calm down, the flashbacks will ease and the vast majority of people won’t know about or see my pain. I have managed to keep 99% of what is going on away from people who will and do judge me. I also have some very very powerful methods to control things if I do have a major wobble.

I am starting to get to know more people. I still have a love hate relationship with the city I live in but this is improving. Yes I get very strong urges to go back to Nottingham but I have no immediate plans to move back there. I am still reinforcing the links I have with Ireland and plan to visit the moment I can afford it. Within my faith I have been able to get to a point where I am able to be at peace, fully focused and able to practice at the level that I need to. I am in a position where I can show the world more of who I am and where I want to be in life. I am openly fighting for the causes that I believe in and not trying to please everyone.

Things are still changing so please bear with me.