When will it be my turn?

Is there ever a happy ending in life? If there is such a thing then can someone please show me? It is Christmas eve and I have completed my preparations, I have given out all of my presents. I have bought food in and treated myself within my very tight and limited budget. The problem is that I am alone and I don’t want to be on my own.

Tonight is one of those nights where I wish it had been me and not my wife and daughters who had died. I know she wouldn’t be sitting on her own, she and Orfhlaith would be with her family. The chances are that she would be having a drink and maybe making final preparations for Christmas day. I know she would been having a great time.

As I have said Christmas is a time for families and the situation I am in is completely out of my control but it sucks. Seriously sucks if I am being honest. I have done everything in my power to change it but at this moment in time there is nothing I can do about it. All I want is to be able to have a decent Christmas surrounded by loved ones and not have to resort to buying presents for myself just so I don’t end up completely humiliated when people ask me.

I know this probably sounds like a woe is me post and yes I am feeling a bit down, perhaps I am suffering from a bit of melancholy. I am most certainly missing my family and yes I am feeling sorrowful. This is more than that, it is me saying I am fed up with this and I want more. So yet again I am turning this into a positive thing!

I am sure no one will fault me for wanting more in life.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa

I may or may not have been good this year. I know there are times that I have been very bad as well as very very good. So dude if you have taken me off the non list and put me on a list that means I actually get a visit from you then I would like to ask for the following.

An original mint Beatles vinyl with the song let it be on
An original Minton fire place tile, the Romeo and Juliet scene from the Shakespeare series
A set of Irish linen sheets
Hot chocolate from Butlers, 5 boxes should be enough
An Armani jumper
A wallet from Mont Blanc

If I am on your naughty list then could I also have a pair of handcuffs and a box of candles please. There is a beer chilling for you in case you are thirsty when you arrive. I am sure one of the elves could drive for you?


Cheers


Michael

Tis the season

Not long until Christmas and I hope everyone is ready? I wasn’t planning on treating myself to anything until my income was back to decent levels. To keep the peace and stop everyone continually having a go I have now treated myself to the following.

A scarf
A pair of Armani socks
A strainer for my kitchen
Salt on DVD

Every year I try my best to make Christmas as special as possible and this year was going to be the same, minus spending money on myself. If we exclude the strainer which I needed the money I have spent on the other things could have been put towards something I really wanted. Admittedly it would have been bought after Christmas.

This year has been fairly consistent for me, in which I mean I have been in the wrong 99.99% of the time. I have even managed to upset people by buying them presents. I am also waiting for the abuse from my step mother about buying her a gift. This will be the first year that I have managed to fail in the two basic expectations that I have each year. I have now thrown everything I have in the year and given up. I know you can’t please all of the people all of the time but it would have been nice to please one or two people.

Now dear reader I must put the breaks on this post and say but, yes there is always a but. I am going to do another list so everything is very clear.

I now have 120 credits at university which is an achievement.
I have and continue to develop my music tastes.
I have got back into cooking and try to cook from scratch rather than ready meals.
I am emotionally stronger than have been for a long time.
I have some good friends
I am more at peace with my family.
My faith is getting stronger and stronger.
I am still getting the odd tweet from celebrities

I have said before that in my humble opinion Christmas is about family and celebrating with them. Well I can’t go back to Nottingham because of my step mother, I am not going to ruin my dads Christmas by spending the entire time at war with his wife. I can’t spend time with my natural mother, again this is another situation that is out of my control. I would love to spend time with my true family but as we know that would be very difficult. This is my situation and no I am not looking for sympathy.

Now this Christmas I am going to cook myself a decent and special meal. I have decided that I will go to mass on Christmas day. I will have placed the decorations on the Christmas tree for my daughters. I hope the presents I have given out will add to the recipients Christmas. I will have a candle lit for my family all day and will have a drink or six. I will be sending messages to everyone I know on Twitter and possibly Facebook. So no I won’t be having a perfect Christmas and it will be far from extravagant. It won’t be anywhere close to the Christmas other people are having but what it will be is special.

If I have any message then I would say enjoy your Christmas however big it may be. I know I will be enjoying mine.

A Right Royal F**k up

Something went very badly wrong during the protests the other day. A group of protesters attacked a car containing Prince Charles and his wife Camilla. We have now had it confirmed that physical contact was made with Camilla as well as the damage to the car. We also know that royal protection officers were following in a separate car.

The car gets attacked and all hell breaks loose, we see normal police officers trying to control the situation and failing miserably. My question is where were the protection officers during this? They are armed and it is their job to protect the royals. That is what they are paid for!

Where would be now if there was someone in that crowd intent on killing a royal, it wouldn't have been the first time that there has been an attempt on a royals life. We could now be looking at the death or serious injury of a very senior member of the royal family.

Heads need to roll over this and I am not just talking about the idiots in the crowd.

Christmas part 2

It takes me ages to find the perfect presents for everyone at Christmas. I have been known to spend a day just looking for the perfect gift for someone. This year I had planned on making sure I gave everyone extra special gifts. Even with the issues I have had this year I have managed to improve on the gifts I bought everyone last year. I have wrapped them and I will be giving them out over the next week.

I have chosen the baubles for both of my daughters and they will be placed on the christmas tree as soon as I have chance to put it up. I have donated as much as I can to the charities that I can afford to give to. I will have more than enough food over Christmas and the new year. I will be making myself a trifle from scratch so all is good.

I know that if I am lucky I will receive a gift from my dad, I have deliberately asked for the smallest and cheapest possible present. I will not be treating myself as I am currently punishing myself. I needed an excuse not to buy myself anything and I have now got two very good reasons. I got upset when trying to sponsor a candle at the Lights of Love services. Even worse I seriously struggled trying to walk up Mansfield Road in Nottingham. I need to give myself a fucking good kicking, get a grip and move on. There are things that I would love to buy but I will go without.

When I have more money and not punishing myself I will buy myself something decent. Until then I will have the best possible Christmas and you should have an amazing, fantastic Christmas.

Michael xx

Love is more important than money

Some may think we live in a classless society but in reality the case is far from it. Although things aren’t quite like they were in the victorian ages we still have defined classes. People are judged by their status within society. People who do progress within society and those who gain substantial wealth will obviously do everything they can to protect it. Quite rightly so!

Now I have always made it clear that I know my place in society and like everyone else I will continue to progress to the higher levels in society. I was asked previously if I would sign a pre nuptial agreement if I was to marry someone who was substantially wealthier and higher than me in society. Just to explain a pre nuptial agreement is designed to protect one or both parties in a marriage. It covers property, finances and possibly custody of any children. It can include penalties if one person say commits adultery.

Now I firmly believe that marriage should be on the basis of mutual love, trust and respect. I am the sort of person who would never marry for money, so much so that I would question myself and my reasoning if the thought did ever cross my mind. Marrying just for money is in my opinion a deception, a fraud and a violation of the sanctity of marriage.

A prenuptial agreement may be there as a form of protection but in my opinion it also shows that there is a lack of trust. It may only be a niggling amount but it does show that one partner doesn’t fully trust the other. I then believe it is up to the person asking to reassure the person being asked that they do trust them and that it is going to be an equal marriage once the agreement has been signed. If anything they have got a harder job afterwards.

So back to the original question would I sign a pre nuptial agreement? Without a doubt yes I would. To prove my commitment and point I would want it written out in a way which meant that I did not benefit financially or otherwise from either entering into the marriage or from it’s ending. The ball would then be firmly in her court.

Christmas

Today I had the unfortunate pleasure of reading an article in a newspaper where a woman who claimed she was middle class, earning barely £500 a week and couldn’t afford Christmas. In the article it talks about her shopping in Harrods and having several properties at one point. This story went around twitter and other networks at high speed resulting in a huge amount of vitriol against this person and the paper, most of it justified. It was a very whiney, self indulgent and bordering on delusional.

My dream is to have what I call a proper Christmas. I was going to try and take another step closer to that dream this Christmas. My plan was to buy extra special presents for everyone, get the best possible food in and give a better donations to my favourite charities. I would normally buy myself something extra special

For various reasons this is not going to happen. Money is now extremely tight and there are other factors that I don’t have influence on. I am not happy about it but I have accepted this and I am now going to make the best of what I have.

I have a very strict budget that I am not prepared to spend a penny over. I have chosen who I will be buying gifts for and bought the best that I can for them. I have had to reduce the donations I make to charity and I do feel guilty about it. I am not going to buy the luxury food that I wanted. I am currently trying to work out if I can afford to buy myself anything.

So the reality for me is that I will be on my own over Christmas. I may receive a single very small gift if I am lucky from my parents. If I am lucky I may be able buy myself a treat.

Are there things I want for Christmas? Yes, of course there are things I would love for Christmas but again I am not going to whine because I won’t be getting any of them. I will save my money and buy myself everything.

Am I going to get all whiney about my situation? As I have said before I am not happy about my situation but I am not going to whine about it. Hopefully the gifts that I give will brighten up peoples days a tiny bit. The donations I have given and will give will help the charities I support. I won’t be going hungry and I have a roof over my head. I have considered others before myself which is what I have been taught is the right thing to do.

Coppers

Last night I watched Coppers on channel 4. I really liked this programme because rather than the usual politically correct views it was open and honest. We watched the policing of a protest by two fiercely rival groups. Now the point that really caught my interest was when they used the dogs. Now in case you don't know dogs are a very powerful weapon used by the police, they are intimidating and tend to bite people who get in their way then expect to be rewarded for it. They don't give a shit wether you are a protester, criminal or police officer. The programme showed one dog biting a police officer that got to close when it was doing it's thing.

Now one set of protesters were kicking off and the riot police were using batons on them with very little success. These people are hard, they weren't going to back down because the police were kicking off. Well that was until the police bought the dogs in, then it was quite literally like the parting of the sea. These people were happy to take on baton welding police officers but bring on the dogs and they ran. It was brilliant and I hope the dogs were rewarded for their work.

I must applaud Channel 4 for this programme

Musings

I wouldn’t call myself a royalist but I do believe that the royal family have their limited place in society. As with everything I believe that they need to evolve and move forward to keep their place within society. I do not believe for one minute that senior members of know what it is like for the rest of us, and no going to charity events and shaking a few hands does not count as experience.

There was an article recently where the question should Camilla be queen was asked. I know there was a huge amount of discussion as to if Prince Charles could actually marry her. I for one firmly believe that she should be queen and perhaps then the royal family can look at other things that are holding them back.

The one I am thinking is about Catholics, if you wish to stay inline to the throne then you can’t be Catholic. Likewise if you want to marry into the royal family and retain your place inline then you can’t be catholic or you have to renounce your faith. This is wrong and even if a Catholic was to become king or queen it would change nothing apart from ruffling a few very insignificant feathers who would bleat “constitutional crisis” for a few years while the rest of us would carry on as normal.

Moving onto Ireland and their bail out which isn’t a bail out, which isn’t happening, which is happening. Yes we all witnessed politicians resorting to blatant lying and hoping we all believed them. We didn’t believe them and they were made to look very silly when they had to finally admit what we all knew.

I am watching Ireland closely and praying that things don’t implode. The Irish are being really hit very hard because of their banking system and lame politicians. Now because Europe, The IMF and other countries such as the UK are having to rescue Ireland I fear that the vast majority of decent, hard working Irish people are going to really suffer because of a few. Those few need to be punished and loose their assets to help pay for their mess.

Finally onto something less important which is me. There is a part of my life which I have on face value to have completely lost. Documents that are in very safe keeping are now permanently out of my reach, not through choice but they are. A valuable book and extremely precious letter are gone and I suspect will never be returned. I have been waiting nearly five years for them and every time I ask for them I am lied to. Now I will try and replace the book but I have doubts if I will ever find a copy and it isn’t the same anyway.

I was made promises which weren’t true, made to jump through hoops for scraps, told by one particular lady that I was the sort of friend that was distant, that she never really had contact with, rejected, abandoned, repeatedly lied to and made to look very stupid. The stupid thing is that because of the scraps I was thrown I kept on going back for more.

What makes matters worse is that I can guarantee that all of those people will think that they have done nothing wrong and that what they did to me was perfectly acceptable. This was reinforced by me repeatedly going back to them. They are above me in society (seriously) and I know my place. As a result I have failed myself on a massive scale, failed someone I love on an even bigger scale and suffered considerable losses. I have spent a large amount of time trying to recover my loses and undo my failure but have now come to the point where it is obvious that I am not going to be able to. Yet again I must ask for forgiveness and find a suitable way of punishing myself for my failures.

Finally Christmas, yes I know we are only heading towards the end of November but I need to talk about it. My dream was one day to finally have a decent Christmas but again this is not going to happen this year. No I haven’t written off Christmas, far from it. I just have to be realistic as lots of bills have come in and the vast majority have gone up, I have been off work ill for just under four months and I am loosing money.

I need to be very careful with money for the next few months to ensure all of my bills are paid, I keep a roof over my head and to ensure that I am able to buy everyone presents. I have cancelled my trip to Ireland and decided not to treat myself this year as I would normally do. I will buy everyone the best I can afford but must ask for your forgiveness in advance if it isn’t on the level of previous years.

Time for me to sign off for today


Michael

Random facts

My favourite brand for kitchen utensils and cutlery is WMF.
I love pepper and have it on as much food as possible.
I am not a slave to the labels but do like Ted Baker, Armani and Timberland for shoes.
I can spend hours choosing a pair of shoes.
My favourite dance is the Argentine Tango.
Kissing me on a certain part of my arm makes me melt.
I have spent years hunting a specific copy of a book which I may never find.
My favourite religious song is How can I keep from singing?
I own an Irish Linen bed set and will only use it when I find the right lady.
I will only use normal disposable razors once.
I love home made chocolate cake.
Arrogance and lying are the quickest way to put me off a person.
I hate being stopped in the street by people asking for money for charity.
There have been some Christmases where I haven’t received a single card or gift.
When going food shopping I always end up buying something random.

Strictly Come Dancing

What have Strictly Come Dancing, X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent got in common? The audience is the answer that I am looking for and I have to be honest and say this makes my heart drop.

BGT and X Factor are essentially talent shows where people come on and attempt to impress the judges and now the audience with their talent. In both cases the vast majority of the contestants have no talent, are arrogant and at times rude about it. We then have to endure them begging to be put through to the next round. The audience seem to be there to crush the delusional contestants and boo the judges.

Now Strictly Come Dancing is in a completely different class and has been around in various forms for many years now. It uses professional dancers who are paid to be on the show and celebrities who again are paid to be on the show. It is a great show for anyone who has any slight interest in celebrities or dancing. The problem we have is now because of BGT and X Factor we have an audience who thinks that it is their god given right to voice their opinion about what the judges think. Normally by booing as loudly as possible.

It adds nothing to the entertainment factor of Strictly, I would go as far as to say it borders on ruining such a great programme. Perhaps it is mob mentality? Just because you sit in the audience doesn’t suddenly make you an expert, likewise it doesn’t give you the right to act like some drunk yob. If you feel the need to act like that then might I suggest that you go to X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent and stop cheapening a great and very entertaining programme like Strictly Come Dancing.

Mini meltdown

The other night I had what can only be described as an awesome dream that seemed to go on for hours. I was back in a time where I was living in my home city, in a house that I loved, in a job that was fantastic and I was surrounded by great friends and near the lady that I loved with all of my heart. I felt happy, contented and at peace which is something that I haven't felt for a very long time. Life was great, no life was amazing. I then woke up and was bought down to earth with an almighty bang.

I didn't just wobble after that, my mind decided it was time for a mini meltdown. Reality didn't just suck, it hurt in an obscene way. The flood gates open and I am not afraid to say that at one point I was fighting the urges to do some very serious things to myself. I was questioning reality and my mind was going at the speed of light. I was completely exhausted having to function normally when my mind had gone bang. It took a massive amount of energy but I managed with some help to get things back under control.

I am in a stronger place than I have been for a very long time and this may sound surprising but this mini meltdown may just have helped me in a really positive way. Some memories have come back that aren't bad, they are fantastic memories. Things that shouldn't have been pushed behind all the nasty stuff. Some of them a far to obscene to publish on here but they have helped me get a bit more focus back.

I am going back to Nottingham next week for the first time in over a year. I hope to see my natural mother and get some documents off her and maybe take another step to be reconciled with her. I will be seeing my dad briefly for a coffee but the rest of the time I will be making peace with what essentially is a great city. I am to go back at least once a month not just to see my parents but to see if I can relight a flame that I once had.

Please don't hurt me!

If you can't take me at my worst then you certainly don't deserve me at my very best. It is one of those quotes that are spot on in every way. If you are the sort of person who only wants to know me at my very best then I am afraid you are not the sort of person I want or need in my life.

If you want to know what I am like at my worst then flashbacks and self harming are a daily occurrence. I genuinely believe that the fact I am still breathing after my suicide attempt a complete failure. The thing is that when I am at my very worst 99.99% of people won’t see it. I have become very skilled at covering it up.

At my very best I am a passionate, focused, very loyal and driven. I am not the sort of person who spends his time in the lime light. I don’t need that sort of thing but even with my many faults I can always be relied on when it counts.

This brings me nicely onto the reason I have written todays blog, I really struggle to let people close to me and I struggle to tell people when there is a problem. There is a problem and I am hoping by writing this everyone will start to understand me and give me some support. Yes I am asking for support on something that is really delicate and makes me feel very threatened.

It the past some very bad things have happened which have shaped my opinions and views. I am straight, I love women in fact. I don’t have any issues with anyone who is gay, bi, trans gender or curious, the fact is I am not. I am comfortable with my sexuality. What has happened to me in the past repulses me and the thought of any man doing anything beyond giving me a hug quite frankly disgusts me as it isn’t who I am. It also makes me feel very threatened. In the past I have had people think that if they did things to me they would show me that men are not threatening. They think that perhaps it would cure me. They have got quite forceful over the issue with me. This had made matters worse and caused me more problems. I am no longer afraid to go to the police if someone forces me to do things against my will, I am also very open and honest with my therapist. Only recently have I been able to give another man a hug without having flashbacks and the urges to hurt myself. I am currently feeling threatened in my own home writing this.

I know that people get very frustrated with me when I don’t open up, tell people what is going on or that I don’t go out as often as I should. There are times that I want to go out and get paralytic, sit in the gutter and look up at the world but at the moment that isn’t going to happen. I prefer chilled out clubs when I can enjoy a drink, a good old flirt and listen to some great music.

Please bear with me as hopefully very soon everyone will be able to see the real me. The mad, funny, passionate, loyal, caring person. I will be at my very best.

Bang!

So the cuts have happened and I am still trying to work out what it means for me and for everybody. My initial thought is that if things go wrong and I need support from the state it isn’t going to happen.

Since the comprehensive spending review I have sent letters to my MP and the Prime Minister about the cuts. I have asked for reassurances about commitments made at and after the general election. I have called for increased funding in neonatal care, research into the prevention and care of premature babies and for support for parents who have lost babies. I have given an example of my local hospital that is appealing for £500,000 to for the neonatal intensive care unit. I also registered my protest at the cuts. I haven’t received a response from anyone which annoys the hell out of me.

I understand that there has to be cuts but there is something that is really getting my goat. We are in this mess because of the banks and specifically the money markets. We have bailed out the banks, the bankers are still receiving obscene bonuses and now it appears that the money markets are dictating the cuts. I may be wrong but it feels that a relatively small amount of people are holding the country to ransom.

Moving onto the statement and the cuts. I watched on TV and it really did sound like a large amount of MPs cheering the cuts. This was more than MPs showing support for the Chancellor and quite frankly it showed a huge amount of arrogance for the suffering that the vast majority will have to go through.

During the statement I was looking at specific areas that may or will directly impact me. The first being social welfare, previously I would have received limited support. Now it would appear that I will receive no support from the state. Next the NHS and it would appear that on face value it has been protected from the cuts, although there seems to be focus on specific areas. Lastly I looked at the arts and I was pleased to see that free entry to galleries and museums will be maintained, however other areas will be hammered. On a side note rail travel will get even more expensive which appears to go against every public transport and green policy.

Do I agree with the cuts? Do I think the cuts are fair? No I don’t agree with the cuts and firmly believe that they are far from fair. I have always been someone who uses targeted protesting and lobbying with my beliefs. This isn’t working, I know believe that the only way forward may be major mass protests. Dare I say it but now may be time for a general strike, something I would normally be against.

It Hurts

I have already written in great detail about my ldaughters and the ways that I have dealt with my loss. There are times where I can talk about my daughters with an overwhelming amount of warmth and pride, there are times that all I feel is a very raw pain and other times where talking about them will normally result in me ending up in a complete mess.

Over the last few years I have learned to deal with the emotions around my loss and have come up with some effective coping methods when things do get very difficult. There are a few things that are still difficult for me and I have learned to accept them and treat myself when they happen. There are times when every time I turn around there is a pregnant women there and it starts to upset me.

There is one thing that really hurts me when it happens, it is subtile but very devastating to me. To me it is worse than any flashback, mood crash and physical pain combined. It is the thought “I should be doing that with my children” followed by an epic mood crash. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does it is like a nuclear missile going off inside of me. Over the last few years it has happened several times to me, normally when I am out and about. It happened on Wednesday night. I was thinking about Christmas and buying treats and then the thought crossed my mind about buying my daughters presents. Two days later I am just about back to a normal level for me. Unfortunately I can’t advertise it when it happens and at the moment I don’t have anyone I can ask for a hug when it happens.

Next week is National Baby Loss Awareness Week with Friday 15th being the main event day with things going on all over the country. I will be tweeting about it every day over the next week as it doesn't receive as much publicity as it should do. As per normal on the Friday I will be lighting candles for my daughters.

Benefits

I don’t pay my taxes to bail out the banks so they can then take the piss later on. I pay my taxes so we can have a safe infrastructure, effective emergency services, the country is able to defend itself, a decent NHS and that people who need support from the state can receive it.

It always makes me very nervous talking about benefits as previously I have had abuse and threats from people over it. Now I will be honest and say that I don’t know what it is like to live on benefits in the short or long term. I have claimed benefits for a total of 3 months over a period of 17 years. From what I have seen a life on benefits is not a good life, it is hard and gives you bare minimum you need to live on.

I have a question, how many people does it need to give a group of people a bad name? Very few I would say. Now I am only human at the end of the day and I genuinely believe the vast majority of people who are on benefits need to be on them. The problem I have is that some people don’t need to be on them, some people commit fraud and thanks to the news I see that there are people who appear to be refusing to look for a job because of the amount of benefits they receive. This annoys the hell out of me and makes me very resentful. Again before you jump down my throat I will point out that I am only human.

I do have another issue and that is MP’s and members of the House of Lords who don’t pay taxes in the UK or think nothing of claiming expenses who then dictate to the rest of us about benefits. Okay so thanks to the bankers and politicians the country is up to the eyeballs in debt and we need to pay for it so I have some suggestions.

If you live and work in the UK then you pay income tax on your earnings. None of this non dom status. People who have been using this to avoid paying taxes should pay all of the taxes they have avoided paying on top of any future taxes . Anyone who refuses should be barred from being in any form of government and subject to very serious punishment.

The punishments for tax avoidance and benefit fraud should be drastically increased. They should be banned from receiving any form of benefits until they have paid everything back. I would also suggest that they are prevented from using bankruptcy as a way of avoiding debts by either increasing the period of bankruptcy to 25 years or that tax and benefit debts be protected from bankruptcy.

Child benefit is something that everyone is entitled to regardless of wether you earn £5000 or £500000 a year. Likewise the more children you have the more you receive. This is wrong, very wrong and completely unfair. I believe that this benefit should be means tested and limited to say 2 or 3 children. If you earn £30000 and say that you rely on child benefit I would say that either you seriously need to look at your life style or you are being selfish.

Everyone who needs benefits should be able to get them but the system needs to be fair to everyone. To protect the most needy in society we have to make sure everyone pays their contribution. Those who abuse the system need making examples of and politicians need to take responsibility for their actions and stop attacking those who don’t agree with their very biased views.

Death Penalty

I will keep on saying this until I am blue in the face and the cows have come home, the death penalty is wrong. I don’t care how a country carries it out wether it is lethal injection, electrocution, hanging, stoning or a bullet in the head. It is wrong! This isn’t about me being pro life, this is about morals and standards.

I also question the need to have numerous witnesses including the media there to watch the execution. I always thought that going to court and watching a criminal being convicted and sentenced was to show that justice had been served. Why then do we need to have the victims family there at the execution? It can’t be to see that justice is served or the prison system would be open to any and all visitors so they could check that the people convicted are actually in prison. A morbid curiosity? quite possibly. Could it be closure? Again quite possibly but executing someone does not bring the original victim back, I don’t believe for one minute it ends any pain or grief. Someone needs to explain the logic of this to me.

I do not believe there is any faith or religion that has ever existed that says it is okay to kill another person. If you actually believe that an eye for an eye is an acceptable form of justice. Then you have no right to preach against others who fall far below the acceptable level of human rights that everyone is entitled to.

Yes the person being executed does suffer, I agree that this may not be anywhere close to the suffering of their victims. We can start with the build up to the execution which can take years, the final meal (something else I can’t work out), being taken into the death chamber followed by the process of execution. Death isn’t always instant and you can’t expect me to believe that there isn’t any pain involved.

I am not here to preach forgiveness, it is a great person who can truly forgive another for taking a loved ones life. I just think that as we approach 2011 there isn’t a place in this world for the death penalty, there are numerous other ways that justice can be served.

The Pope's visit to the UK

Today sees the first state visit to the United Kingdom and the the first visit by a pope in 28 years. The Pope has been invited by her majesty so it is a state visit, he is also here as the head of the Catholic church. The Holy Father will be here for four days and will be visiting Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Birmingham.

Whilst I may be struggling with my faith I consider myself a progressive Catholic. I believe that faiths and religion can be a part of society but it needs to be part of a progressive society. I do find solace and some peace within the church at times but I do differ and at times I am very strongly against some of the views and teachings of the church. Contraception is one point where I just can’t agree with the Church. It isn’t wrong to use contraception and never will be, I would rather someone use the pill or another form of contraception than bring an unwanted child into the world.

I have been and continue to be very frustrated with the way the church has been dealing with cases of abuse by priests. I really wish they would be very decisive and take more action against these priests. The Holy Father apologising and meeting victims of abuse to understand their suffering is not enough, people need to see action. This all over shadows the good the Catholic Church does do around the world. People will only see the negative, especially when action is either non existent or very slow to occur. Likewise I wish some of the senior clergy would keep their views about this country to themselves.

I do have very mixed views about this state visit by the Holy Father, and like it or not it is a state visit. In times of very savage spending cuts I wonder if the state can afford to pay the twelve million pounds it is paying towards this visit. We are all paying for something that is only going to benefit a few. I can’t remember any other state visit which involved the invited person touring the country and only a brief amount of time with her majesty. As I have previously said the Catholic Church does have views and teachings which are very much out of touch with today’s society. As this is a state visit are these views then reinforced?

As a Catholic I am delighted that the Holy Father is visiting the United Kingdom and I hope that his visit does in a very small part start to heal the gaping wounds left by the abuse scandal. If this is part of the reason for his visit then I would strongly suggest that the Holy Father needs to visit Ireland as a matter of priority. I hope his visit does bring people together and personally I would have liked to have been at one of the masses.

I have so far watched the start of his visit via the BBC news website and was left feeling distinctly underwhelmed by it. Yes there were crowds but not nearly as much as I believe people were anticipating. This may change at the weekend and we may see far bigger crowds in London, I am really not sure though.

Art

I have a question for you, when does art stop becoming art and become say for example porn? When does art become offensive? Nudity has been used in art for many hundreds of years now wether it be painting, drawing or sculpture. From the start I have to say I do not have a problem with nudity in art. I have a piece called Lioness by David Charles hanging on one of my walls which features a naked woman. I have another print called Bondage Ballet 4 by John Tisbury.

There are a huge amount of people on a website called DievantArt who seem to think if they take a photo of a naked person it is called art. On a daily basis there are a huge amount of pictures of various body parts and women in sexual positions taken using poor quality cameras and mobile phones that people seem to think is art. It isn’t and never will be art. Some of you will be saying by now that art is in the beholder. True but just because someone takes a picture of a naked lady doesn’t make it art.

Ireland surprises me, it really does. Everytime I go there my interest in the arts tends to increase and develop. You may think that Ireland is a very conservative place and in some cases you may be right. Within the arts and particularly performance art they seem to be pushing the boundaries more and more.

My first real experience would be with a performance artist called Amanda Coogan who uses her body and nudity in her work. It isn’t sexual nudity but it does leave very little to the imagination. I respect her and her work even if sometimes I have to spend a while working out some of her pieces.

A few years ago I went to see a contemporary dance at the project arts centre in Dublin which featured the peformers stripping to their underwear towards the end of the performance. Again nothing wrong with this and in the context of the dance it made sense.

There is a piece called Barbed Hula by Sigalit Landau which is a two minute video of her using a barbed hula. Again this has full frontal nudity and as she is using barbed wire obvious injury. Is this art? Well Tracy Emin thought so. I would have to agree with her.

I was looking on the Project Arts centre website to see what they had on over the next few months and found another dance piece called The Work The work created by Emma Fitzgerald and Aine Stapleton. The difference with this dance is that it has full nudity in it and scenes of an explicit nature. I found a review of this work in the New York times and reading through it the scences of an explicit nature include masturbation. Below is a quote taken directly from the review by Roslyn Sulcas:

The Work The Work,” which ended on Saturday, is no exception, but takes things up a notch near the beginning when the women lie down and masturbate so mechanically and emotionlessly as to strip any eroticism from the act. Before and after, they move with indeterminate small gestures and bent-legged walks, often close to the whitewashed brick walls of the performance space

Reffering back to my original question which was when does art stop becoming art and becomes for example porn? Masturbation is a sexual act, you can strip away all the emotion, do something mechanically and try to remove all of the eroticism but it is still a sexual act.

Does this make this porn? It has full nudity and a sexual act it in so if we simplify things then the answer must be yes. However, if we look at the whole picture then I would have to say no it isn’t. You have to look at it within the context of the performance, is it being portraid as a sexual act within the context of the performance? No it isn’t, as the review says they have stripped all of the eroticism from the act. If it was porn then the New York Times wouldn’t be reviewing it, likewise the authorities and the Project Arts centre in Ireland wouldn’t be allowing the show to go ahead.

I have watched The Dog of all Creation which again has both dancers naked in it, my first reaction was why are they naked? It didn’t do anything to enhance their performance but then again it didn’t take away from the performance. It wasn’t sexual, it just seemed to be dance without barriers. You have to have a huge amount of confidence to do something like that infront of strangers and I really don’t think it would work for everyone.

Art is something that is constantly evolving, the boundaries should be pushed and tested by artists. Society itself will deem what is and what isn’t acceptable. Art is supposed to create a reaction and emotions, art should make you think and create debate.


www.projectartscentre.ie/
www.nytimes.com/2010/05/25/arts/dance/25work.html?_r=1

Challenging Thoughts

During my therapy sessions we are currently trying to challenge some of my most destructive thoughts and feelings. Some of them are quite evil and obviously these thoughts are not constant but when they start things tend to get quite difficult for me. I thought I would share some of them with you.

I need to self harm
No one would weep over my dead body
No one likes me
I need the release I get when I self harm
No one has ever been proud of me
I need to punish myself for failing my daughters
I haven't achieved anything.
"you are hopeless, useless, a wimp, failure" Normally said by my parents several times a day
I didn't push myself hard enough when I attempted suicide, therefore I am a failure


Evil aren't they, some of them are just fucked up? Most of them are easy enough to challenge when I am thinking straight and logically, even when I am not thinking straight and wobbling I am able to dismiss some of them. There are some though that are pure evil and they are the ones I am working on at the moment.

Perfection Part 2

Perfection is something we all attain to in life. It is the ultimate achievement for a person in life. What exactly is perfection, can perfection be universal? how does one achieve perfection?

Perfection is defined as a state of completeness and flawlessness. Fair enough but can it be universal? This must depend on the people defining it. Allow me to give some examples to you.

A diamond is perfect isn’t it? Most people would say yes but in reality this isn’t the case. A diamond can and does have internal flaws so unless you buy an exceptionally expensive and rare internally flawless diamond then it can’t truly be called perfect.

My daughters were perfect. Yes even my eldest daughter with her over developed cheeks. Others may look at a slimy tiny baby with over developed cheeks and think completely different (although they would be wrong in my daughters case). Anyone who has had children is going to think their babies are perfect.

Get a hundred percent on a test and you will have achieved perfection. You can’t do any better can you? In theory no you can’t but we need to look at the wider picture. To truly achieve perfection in an academic subject you need to achieve one hundred percent at the highest level. This doesn’t take away from your achievement but how many times have you heard on the news reports of people claiming G.C.S.E’s and A levels are getting easier.

Classical music and the opera. A soprano achieving the highest note in an aria may move someone to tears. Is this perfection? You may leave the performance thinking that the soprano has achieved perfection by hitting F7 which would be a compliment to the performer. However is it really perfection? Scientifically hitting the right note at the right pitch could be called perfect but it isn’t beautiful. Most performers are always looking for ways to improve so achieving perfection is impossible.

One can’t judge oneself perfect, only others may do that. Perfection is what most people desire for but most if not all will never actually realise. The desire to improve oneself is fundemental to most people, my question is that if you do achieve perfection then what?

Dream of you

I don't normally post reviews of music but I thought I would make an exception for Sharon Corr's new album Dream of You. I remember reading in Hot Press that Sharon was working on an album many months ago, I looked for further information but couldn't find anything. I joined Twitter and have been following Sharon since day one, she followed me back and we have tweeted several times.

The album itself was released on the 10th September in Ireland and today in the UK. I believe it is also being released worldwide over the next few weeks. My first thought of the album is that this is a very mature album. I had very high expectations for this album and it doesn't disappoint me. In a way it reminds me of White Ladder by David Gray which for me can only be a good thing! It is very chilled out but you can almost fell the pain being expressed in parts of the album. Real world would be an example of this.

I tweeted over the weekend that I believed that Sharon's album would go higher in the charts than Andrea's did. Listening to it, I have no doubt that this is the case and it will do. Andrea's album was good but Dream of You is great, I am sure Andrea would be happy and proud to see this.

Would I recommend that you buy this album? Without a doubt I would.


Michael

Money, giving to charity and the recession

We are a charitable lot aren't we? We really are! At times seeing the response to calls for help from charities and organisations in times of major disaster makes me feel proud. I have personally worked in call centres taking donations for Children in Need and the response is overwhelming. Give yourselves a round of applause, pat on the back and hugs all round.

Now thanks to the banks and various other institutions we have had a credit crunch and a recession. This means that companies are going into administration, people are loosing their jobs, money is tight, banks are being given tanker loads of our money and governments are having to make cuts to everything because they are up to their eye balls in debt.

This means that charities and other organisations are having their funding cut and losing donations. This means that there are now a huge amount of people screaming for money, donations and help. The world they knew has ended but they still need money. I know where I live I get bags and leaflets posted through the door on a daily basis asking for donations. Walk through the city centre and you can guarantee that someone will try and stop me to get me to sign up to give monthly donations. They can be fairly aggressive and I have resorted to telling one of these people to fuck off after he grabbed me.

In these hard times the best piece of advice I can give you is be selfish. It is silly giving money to charity for five minutes of self satisfaction if you then can't afford to put food on the table or clothes on your back. Regardless of how desperate their situation seems to be, there is no point putting yourself in their position by donating what you can't afford to give.

If you have time spare then volunteer, remember giving your time is just as good as giving money. Clothes and belongings that are in a reasonable condition that you are going to throw away? Donate them! If someone stops you in the street tell them no! If you do sign up for something then realise you can't afford it then cancel the direct debit agreement. Give only what you can!

Now I am in the position where there are numerous charities and organisations that I would like to support but I can no longer afford to give to them all. I want to but it isn't realistic so I am going to have to choose which ones I will regularly support. You may want to select one charity that you have a connection with.

The charities and organisations are:

Temple Street Children's university Hospital www.templestreet.ie
Royal Hibernian Academy www.rhagallery.ie/index
National Self Harm Network www.nshn.co.uk
SANDS www.uk-sands.org
National concert hall Dublin www.nch.ie/Home.aspx
The Cathedral of St John the Baptist www.sjbcathedral.org.uk

quote

I light a candle each night in the hope you find your way home to me. I cling on to not what I have lost but what I had. Those moments, those sweet sweet moments we had together

Dilemma

I have a dilemma and wanted to post on here. I need some advice so please feel free to post in the comments here, mail or tweet me with your thoughts. It is a bit of a sensitive subject for me and it is about my youngest daughter Joy who would have been 3 years old on the 25th August.

Now I will hold my hands up and say that things have been bad between Joys mother and myself. For whatever reason she rejected Joy when she was born and had been in denial about her since the funeral. We had fallen out but recently started talking again and i found out that the reason for the denial was because she hadn't told her new husband about Joy. Whilst I still have my doubts about her motives and reasons I have accepted this. She now claims she has told her husband about her.

She knows that I haven't told my parents about Joy and is now saying that I should tell them about her. I have never denied anything about Joy, admittedly I haven't really openly talked about Joy but I have never been in denial about her existence. My parents reaction about Orfhlaith was beyond strange and apart from making me feel like a failure they sent me pictures of my brothers baby. I know they are angry with me but my priority was my family at the time.

Telling my parents would achieve nothing. It does hurt me that they don't know and part of me says that they have a right to know. However I believe it would do nothing to improve the relationship between us and if their last reaction is anything to go by it will make matters worse.

So my question is should I tell them or should I keep quiet?

Broken

It has been a while since my last blog so I thought I would post an update as to what is going on with me. If I could put it in one sentence i would say I am broken. I think the alarm bells went off when I had to self harm just to get through the day. I went into work on the Monday and got sent home, the same happened again on the Tuesday. I have been off work for just over a week now and can only describe myself as seriously wound up with no voice.

I am having some quite serious flashbacks now, these are new flashbacks that freak me out. I am getting even more wound up and feeling threatened when leaving the house, feeling very threatened in my house. When I am out I am having what can only be described as stress reactions. The flashback are happening several times a day. Oh and my sleeping pattern is shot, add in headaches and having to fight the urges to harm myself. The worst thing for me is that my trust levels get completely blown and I struggle to trust people that I would normally trust

You would be right if you said things are a mess at the moment. This is the worst that things have been for me and I am not sure how long it will take to fix me. By the way I feel tonight it could be a while before I am back on track and rocking along with the world. It is weird sitting here feeling very wound up, insecure, threatened and needing a hug when in a locked house on my own.

As per normal I am not looking for sympathy but wanted everyone to know what is going on with me. Normal service will be resumed when my mind allows it.

Angry

I have been thinking about if I should post this for a few days now, my frustration has been brewing up now and is at boiling point. I am angry, sorry make that really angry. I always thought that there would come a point where I would see myself as being fixed. Normal as in what society defines as normal anyway.

I have been through a huge amount over the last few years, most of it I haven't talked about and some of it I will never talk about. Some of the images I have in my mind are completely fucked up, images that I am going to have for the rest of my life. The images of my daughters dying in my arms I can cope with, it is the rest that are the really fucked up ones.

Now I accepted that there were and are going to be a fair number of people who are going to get away with what they have done to me. I accepted that I was going to carry a few mental and physical scars with my for the rest of my life. I did this on the basis that I would get to a point where I could live a socially defined "normal" life even with my rebellious and independent streak.

I went to my doctors the other day and it looks like I have PTSD, I am certainly suffering from hyper vigilance. I am going to end up on medication and the therapy I am having is going to continue indefinitely. I am going to have to make adjustment as the symptoms never fully go away. I have spent a huge amount of money on getting to this point on the basis that I would make a full recovery. I would get to the point where I would live a full life on my terms. This now doesn't appear to be the case, have I failed? It would appear so.

I don't want to be 80% or 90% recovered I want to be fully recovered. I want to be able to look back and say yes that was bad but I got passed it. I recovered and proved everyone wrong, those who have done so much to me didn't win. Do I continue fighting or do I give up and hope for the best?

Forgive my rambling today.

xx

Wobbly

I am in a bit of an unusual situation at the moment after my therapy session on Tuesday. We hit on some really raw things and I said that I felt weird when leaving the session. My mind literally went "fuck this" and is now going on a mega wobbly. It is one of those situations where it doesn't know how to deal with what has gone on. As I said on Tuesday I felt weird. Wednesday I just wanted to curl up in a ball under my duvet and hide in a dark corner, yesterday I started with mild mood swings and ended up having flashbacks whilst at work. Today pretty much I am heading the same way.

If I am being honest I really haven't got a clue how to deal with it. None of my usual methods have worked and I am trying to avoid using self harm as I think it is going to make matters 100 times worse. Before leaving the session my therapist told me to do something nice and treat myself, as most of you know when it comes to me I don't do nice. Normally me being nice to myself involves not punishing my body for the smallest thing or not ignoring my body as it squeals after I have burnt, bruised or cut myself.

I am open to suggestions as to how I can get this under control and how I can be nice to myself?

Staying Friends?

Most who know me will know that I had been seeing someone for about a month. Now she had split up with her husband and I was single so there wasn't anything wrong with that. She made it clear what she wanted and whilst I said no the first time, this time I didn't.

She has ended it and told me that she is going back to her husband. To be honest I was expecting this to happen as she spent a huge amount of time talking about him. I have previously been hurt quite badly by another woman in a similar situation, however I did go back every time she called even though I knew I would end up hurt and heartbroken.

This time I was more cautious and it seems I was right. I have told her that it won't be happening again but I am happy and want to remain friends. It seems she doesn't, I was her bit of fun, maybe even her dirty little fuck and now she has gone back to play the dutiful wife.

Am I wrong in thinking that two people can remain friends after having sex? Especially when on face value it appears that it wasn't serious. Can friends have sex without ruining the friendship?

I must admit that I am annoyed with her over the way she ended it but I will get over it. She may have been a bit evil the way she ended it but from what I can see she was being honest and the boundaries have been set so I can't see why we shouldn't remain friends.

I understand there are times that people should not remain friends after sex such as where there is abuse, complete breakdown of trust, cheating etc... Surely there are cases where it is possible or am I wrong?

Food

Living on my own the one thing I miss is homemade food. Food that has had love care and attention given to it, cooked to perfection. Yes I will cook for other people and make sure that I cook myself a half decent meal once a week but most of the time it is food out of a packet, with the odd occasional meal out. I also miss having a gas cooker as I find it easier to cook on them.

My grandma used to make the perfect chocolate cake and Sunday roasts. Her chocolate cakes were huge and so tasty that they could be sold. She was an expert when it came to making Yorkshire puddings and she knew how to cook the perfect fillet steak. Apple pies, crumbles you name it. She could make it and she never used a recipe book.

One day when I have a decent kitchen and great cooking equipment I will be able to get back to cooking fantastic food for family and friends.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the birthday of a lady who had an overwhelming impact on my life. I quite literally would have to spend the next month going through what she did. Her life was cut short far to early and my world became a darker place. I have a letter that I wrote to her which I will keep with me for the rest of my life.

I am at work all day tomorrow but will be having a very large drink for her after work. She would expect it.

Crying Inside

I think that is the best way to describe what is happening inside of me at the moment, not because I am feeling down or depressed but because of all of the abuse my body takes. A persons body will always respond to the environment or forces that impact on it in one way or another, think pleasure or pain. You push your body to far and it will howl in protest, normally through pain or it will switch off and you collapse.

A person who is abused may crawl into a corner and cry quietly to try and comfort themselves, they may hug a cushion or themselves. The one thing they know is that their abuser is going to ignore them. That is precisely what is happening to me now and I get this reaction every single time I hurt myself. I can cope with the pain and the release, I get round the mood crashes after I have hurt myself but this is something I can't really ignore.

I am such a perfectionist that I have spent a considerable amount of time choosing the perfect blade for me to cut with. My immediate reaction when someone made a joke comment the other day to me was I want to cut. This means I am now back at a dangerous place especially the way things are escalating. The reaction I get from my body is a hundred times worse than when I burn or do other things to myself. This means I am back at a rather dangerous point in my recovery. I didn't realise I had got back to this point until my therapist told me.

There is a part of me that wants to quietly go home and implode in a similar way to what I did in March 2009. I am not suicidal and have been making plans for the rest of the year and next year but that part of me wants to do a huge amount to show the world what is going on. Yes I miss my family and yes I want to be with them but that doesn't make me suicidal.

I think we can all agree that self harming isn't an attractive trait in anyone let alone me. Peoples reactions are normally very negative and I have lost allot of friends in the time I have been harming myself, some of them I still regret loosing. A huge amount of things have gone on this year and to be honest I have to hold my hand up and say I am at a bit of a loss as to what else I can do to finally stop this once and for all.

Football

This post is going to be a bit of a rant and I would ask that you forgive me in advance. Tomorrow England are playing in a football match which it appears they must win to stay in the world cup. I have just read a new article where a union said that employers should made provision so employees can watch the match.

From a personal point of view I became a very unpopular person when I didn't cheer for England when they scored in the last world cup. I have also had several people try and make a point of me because I don't support England. Apparently I should be supporting England because I was born here. It appears that the world will end if England don't win the world cup.

Seriously what the fuck? The fixtures for the world cup have been known for a while so people have had plenty of time to book time off work. Why should the country stop just for one game? It isn't exactly the final match is it? When I am at work I am paid to do my job not to watch football.

Also why should I support England? I don't appreciate been dictated to over what I should do or who I should support. I have made it clear from the start I support the Republic of Ireland in all sporting events. Yes I know they didn't get through but you are supposed to support a team through the good and bad stages. Any true football fan would agree with that statement.

People seriously need to get a grip!

Fathers Day part 2

Hmm this is a difficult post for me and I have though long and hard before posting this. Now I am functioning and doing everything I should be doing, I am having one of those days but that is beside the point. My other half is rocking my world in only ways she can do.

Outwardly I am rocking along with the world, inwardly I am having an epic crash. My other half doesn't know this but on Saturday I burn't myself and it was because of yesterday. Fathers day has hit me quite hard this year and kicked off a dangerous instinct in me. That is wanting to be with my family. My thoughts yesterday were of my daughters playing together. By now they would have been old enough to play together.

For me there is a very distinct difference between being suicidal and wanting to self harm. I am not suicidal, far from it. However I have got a very fierce desire to do a fair old amount of damage to myself. Last night I had planned it all out in my head, what I needed and getting the correct first aid equipment so I can deal with the damage.

The reason I am posting this is partly down to prevention. I am less likely to do any damage when I have told someone what is going on. Also by posting I am getting it out of my system in positive way.

Fathers Day

Throughout the year we have Mothers Day, Fathers Day, valentines day and numerous other days where we are supposed to celebrate someone one or a certain profession. No this isn't going to be one of those everything is so over commercialised rants.

I have previously posted about valentines day saying things are bad if you need one specific day of the year to be romantic. In the same context I do not see why we need a specific day to celebrate mothers or fathers. If your parents are that brilliant and fantastic then why do you need a specific day to tell them?

For allot of people today is a difficult day and for various reasons they can't celebrate fathers day. My thoughts are with you and may you have the best day possible. To everyone else happy fathers day!

Today

I have been for a nerve conduction study at the hospital today and unlike what numerous posts say on the internet it wasn't painful. They have confirmed that I have not damaged the nerves in my arm. Not sure what I have done but I want to concentrate on moving forward with my life and dealing with the psychological stuff.

It has taken me a huge amount of time and effort to get to this point and I still have points where I still regret that my suicide attempt didn't succeed, yes I look at is as a failure! I still have points where the emotional pain becomes overwhelming and I wish I could sleep for ever and be with my family. Mix in flash backs, self harm and dealing with abuse and you can see I still have a lot of work to do.

On a slightly more positive note I have started seeing someone and she is gorgeous. I am taking a bit of a risk as I have been in a similar situation before and been repeatedly hurt by the lady I was seeing then. I have posted about her before.

Birthday

It is my birthday tomorrow and I will be 33 years old. I would love to go out drinking and celebrating until silly o'clock but alas that isn't going to happen, booooooo and all that. I can guarantee that there will be cake though, I am taking some into work for my team and possibly some sweets tomorrow. I will also make usual appearance on Twitter and having a mini celebration. It is also @Saskia3rd birthday as well so if you follow her please wish her a happy birthday too.

If I could ask for anything for my birthday it would be a huge amount of silliness and fun. Tomorrow I just want to have a laugh! Yes I may think of my family, there may be a bit of sadness that they are not with me but I guarantee they would want me to have a great day. Madness is the way forward!

What will I be getting for my birthday? I haven't got a clue but when I find something I will treat myself and this is very high on my list http://www.bang-olufsen.com/beosound6

Where to go in life?

This may sound like one of those mid life crisis, woe is me wobbles but please be assured that it isn't. I have my own house, a job and would call myself financially secure to the point that I can afford the little luxuries that make life that little bit better. I am not in a relationship but finding the perfect lady seems to be more of a challenge now, or perhaps I need to lower my standards in what I look for in a woman. Answers on a post card to me on that one!

So what is going on apart from being single you may ask? Well I seem to be stuck in one of those ruts which I can't break out of and it is becoming more and more of a bitch. I am the sort of person who refuses to stay still and accept what I have in life, I need more and more importantly I need to know where I am going and what I am going to achieve. I am not going to be one of these people who in 20 or 30 years time has lots of regrets.

Heading towards the grand old age of 33 I need to make a decision as to what is going to happen with my life. Do I stay where I am and maintain the at times uncomfortable status quo, do I change everything and hope that the status quo changes into a life that I am living to the max or do I start again? What do I want in life and how am I going to get it?

I have been living in Norwich now for just under 6 years now. Things have drastically changed for me during that time, the majority of which I don't want to talk about on here. I will say that I am in a great position in life but I am still not where I want to be. I think it would be fair to say that I am living about 70% of the life that I want. One of the major issues is going out in Norwich. Going to the cinema, theatre or a meal is fine and isn't a problem but the sort of events I like tend to be very limited. Some of the scenes I like are none existent. Most people I know in Norwich will say what about clubbing? There are loads of clubs in Norwich. I like chilled out clubs where you can have a drink and fun with friends without getting a huge amount of hassle or having to fight just to move a few inches. I haven't found anything close to what I like in Norwich. It does sadden me to say that I can't remember a single decent night out that has involved clubs in Norwich. I prefer nights out where I don't get abused, feel intimidated, end up on my own or being puked over. This appears to be the norm for me in Norwich.

Moving onto my job, I think we can all say that we have our ups and downs in any job. The thing is that whilst I haven't got a clue what I want to do or where I want to go with my career it does pay rather well. I have checked and in some cases it pays very substantially more than rival companies and this gives me the little luxuries which get me through the bad times. It would be silly of me just to leave a job in this climate, especially when I haven't got a clue what I want to do.

Don't get me wrong Norwich is a good place to live. Good shopping, lots of restaurants, tourist attractions, reasonable cost of living compared to some cities and some quote frankly stunning people. It just doesn't give me that extra edge that I am looking for in a city. I love the madness of London and the chilled out madness that is Dublin. I do have a bit of a thing about the Irish, especially the accent. More importantly I love what both of these major cities have to offer me.

I don't think keeping things as they are is going to work for me very much longer. Likewise I don't think taking lots of risks and making some fairly major changes to my life in Norwich is going to improve things enough for me. I am more than happy to be proven wrong on this by anyone. This for me leaves one option and that is the most drastic option of moving out of Norwich and starting again.

The World Cup

The world cup is almost upon us again and everyone has suddenly found the patriotism that seems to disappear for the vast majority of the year. Everywhere I turn I can see the St Georges flag with companies claiming they are the sponsor of this, that and the other. People who normally wouldn't give a hoot about the country suddenly turn fiercely patriotic and it is expected that you have to support your own country regardless of your normal views.

Now there are allot of people who are going to hate me for saying this and I fully expect to get a fair old amount of abuse as well. I may be British but I will not be supporting England, I certainly won't be displaying anything that would give the impression of supporting England. My views and support will not change even if England go on to wining the world cup. If you are going to support a team then you support them through the good times as well as the bad times. There is nothing worse than someone who only supports a team if they are winning. People also need to remember that I am not the only one with this view and there are a huge amount of people in this country who will support other teams for many reasons.

Who am I supporting? The Republic of Ireland and yes I know they didn't qualify for the World Cup Finals but that doesn't change my views or who I am going to support. I did watch that infamous match and whilst I won't support any other team I will cheer for anyone who scores against France and any team that beats them.

Reflection

It is always a dangerous thing when I start to reflect on my life, the ups, the down, the good points and the bad points and do you know what I think there has been a subtle but significant change in my expectations from life. It is starting to have a fair old impact on my life now and what I want. I think it is a trait of most people that they dream and want more in life, whether it be a bigger house, better car or more money. I like everyone else am the same but have spent the vast majority of my life accepting and making the best of what I had.

I have posted that I have previously been in a position where I lost just about everything I owned and been through many years where my life where everything I did was dictated by the debts I had built up. I have also had stages in my life where bullying and abuse was the norm rather than a rarity. As you will read later on I still have to put up with situations where my treatment is wrong and not justified. As a result of all of this I go through stages where I genuinely believe that I don't deserve anything in life and that I am beneath everyone. It can widely vary and I have started to try and fight against this and get a bit more self respect in my life.

I am not afraid to admit I have very serious difficulty in using any luxury items that I buy and have the few that I have bought have remained unused. There are several reasons why, partly because things like Irish Linen is meant to be shared. The real reason is that I don't want to be in a position where I have nothing in my life again, I don't feel that I deserve to use them and feel more secure with them stored in my bedroom. Yes even that copper pan I was so proud off.

I hate to admit this but there are times and places where I really feel hated by everyone, I may give out the impression to people that this doesn't bother me but it does hurt me. You may think that this is just my insecurity showing through but unfortunately this is based on what people say to me and listening to what others say about me. As a reasonable person I know that I am not going to get on with everyone, there are going to be times where I am not very popular and that some people are going to dislike or hate me. Life would be very boring otherwise but to be given the impression that I am disliked by everyone is just wrong and not to tell me what I have done to deserve this sort of treatment is even worse. One of the best of many examples would be an event I went to where things got so bad that I considered walking out. The highlight of this event was listening to a so called friend refer to me as a "nobody" I am now very reluctant to attend those events again and have not renewed my membership with that Organisation.

With all of this you would be quite right to ask how have things changed in my life? Well to put it simply I want more out of life and am not prepared to accept things as I would have done in the past. I am trying to express this more and fight a bit harder for what I want and believe in. It frustrates and annoys me that people are so short sighted and wish people would look past what I am wearing and my self harming and see the real me. I have ended friendships and removed people from networking sites for upsetting me or making comments where previously I would have accepted it on the basis of at least we are friends. I push more now to be treated better by people and companies rather than backing down at the first sight of resistance.

Creating Life

A scientist has created synthetic life in a lab and last night it was being heavily reported in the news. Now obviously this has bought up numerous arguments for and again as well as the usual ethics questions. Not being a scientist I won't be discussing most of the arguments because to be honest I haven't got a clue what I am talking about and would probably make myself look silly.

The argument I will be looking at is the "no one has the right to play god" and the religious influences. Now some people when they are ill will use their faith and prayer to try and recover from any illness and injury which I have no argument with. I don't agree with people refusing life saving treatment because of their beliefs but again I am not going to question this. It is your body and your health at the end of the day.

This is where I am probably going to get a bit controversial but the argument that no one has the right to play god is completely flawed. From what I can see the only people who can use this argument are people who refuse all forms of medical intervention and that includes vaccines and anything preventative including pain relief. I would also ask hasn't man been playing god for hundreds of years now?

There are hundreds of examples that I could use to back up my argument but the first one that comes to mind is IVF. Are we not using science to help others create life? Are we not playing god then? When doctors administer life saving treatment to a person are they not playing god then? I am fairly certain in these cases people are more than happy for doctors to play god. Are we really talking about god here or are we talking about nature? If god made man then surely he gave man the ability to evolve and progress? With that progression has to come the ability to decide on the fate of others and create life regardless of whether it is synthetic or biological life.

I fully agree that all of this progress hasn't always been good, some of it has had a very negative impact on the human race. I am talking about chemical and biological weapons. Again people have used them to play god and decide on who is going to die in a war or terrorist activity. I think if you are going to use an argument against progression in a scientific context then you need to use a scientific argument and not a religious argument which this is.

Good thoughts

Having one of those afternoons where my daughters were on the very front of my mind. Not in a stressed out but a chilled out, proud loving sort of way. I ran through the moments after my daughters were born. Them being in my arms with the little woollen hats. I actually have a smile on my face thinking about them, my little angels.

After the last few weeks which can only be described as a roller coaster ride of blips, major blips and complete nose dives it is nice to get back to get back to this stage. The only bemusing side effect is that every time I turn around is that I see a pregnant lady. This happens to me every so often and passes.

I think what I am trying to say is that this has been a good day. I seem to have a bit of calm back in my life.

I am going to sign off for tonight

Michael xx

Humour

Humour is great isn't it? It can make a person smile, laugh or cry. It can improve someone's day or make a meeting. It can also be used to deflect from a situation as I use it for. Yes when things are bad I will act silly or take the piss out of myself to draw peoples attention away from what is happening, such as yesterday.

My favourite is to declare a silly crisis such as my bikkie tweet yesterday:

Ladies and Gentlemen I hereby declare a bikkie crisis. We have no biscuits today! Please feel free to panic in a fashion of your choice.

As of posting this I still feel rough but have biscuits, so all is good!

Flashbacks

Flashbacks are a complete bitch and I have been having them for a couple of years. They can range from me hearing and feeling things that have happened to me right up to me loosing touch with reality and seeing, hearing and acting out what has happened. The worst can last for minutes. Most of the time I am aware of when it is going to happen and the triggers.

Last night I had my worst flashback yet. I completely lost touch with reality and acted out a violent attack. Night turned to day and I felt like I was being strangled, I then felt like I was being hung, I put up a fight and then it felt like I was being strangled again. I actually felt the hands on my throat, the rope and physically fought.

This morning I woke up feeling like I had been strangled and completely stressed out. I made the decision to go to work but had to leave shortly as I felt panicky and not safe. I phoned my doctor and was told I could have an appointment on Friday. I end up going to the walk in centre who said they could offer me little and after a chat they suggested I phoned my therapist after checking I wasn't going to self harm to ground myself. My therapist has phoned me to check on me and we are going to sort it out.

Fortunately this is a rare occurrence for me and the first time I have had to use this approach. I can not and will not fault the nurse I spoke to as she did everything she could. I do feel rather let down by the rest of the NHS. It has taken me nearly 16 hours to get to a point where I feel fully in control again. Had I been in serious distress then what was I supposed to do?

I miss my mum

That is a sentence I never thought I would type or say but yes I miss my mum. I haven't seen her for quite a number of years now. I think I was 8 or 9 years old when she took me to school. She took us to the shop and bought me and my brother some sweets. Mine were polos and then she watched us go into school. That evening my dad picked us up from school and we were told.

A few weeks later we got word that she was at my grandmas and we went to visit her. The last time we had any contact from her was a letter saying she was leaving the country. I assume that this was after my parents had divorced. I was frequently reminded about this whilst growing up.

So why am I suddenly missing her? I have missed her on and off for many years now. I wonder if she misses me?, does she ever think about me? does she remember my birthday? Did she marry again and do I have any brothers and sisters? Would she even recognise me? Would she even care?

She has missed so much of my life. The good, bad, ugly and perfect moments. Two grand daughters and a daughter in law she may never know about. My success at the Open University and so much more.

I know she may never read this but I want to her to know that I hope she is well, happy and successful in her life.

Reminders

I have spoken briefly about this before but wanted to talk about it a bit more now. I have 3 things that help me focus me more in life and remind me how far I have progressed and where I am going.

A few years ago I ended up homeless for a short period of time and was using guest houses to stay in. What most people don't know is that towards the end of this period of time my money started to run out. I may have joked to people about it at the time but things had got so serious that I had walked around the city and chosen where I was going to sleep at night. I chose this spot because it was fairly sheltered and would have protected me and my suitcase.

Fortunately and with a bit of luck I managed to find a place to live. Everything I owned was in one suitcase and I had to sell what hadn't been damaged to give me enough money for the basics until I got paid. Things were sold at a stupidly small price but I had no choice as I had no one to turn to for help. One in particular was a promo cd. A Japanese special sampler by the Corrs which is worth £250 and I ended up selling it for £1.

I have now replaced this CD and all of the possessions that I lost or were sold. To me being able to replace that CD is a reminder of how far I have travelled in my life over the last few years. I have gone from a major crisis point to the position I am now in.

My possessions are only a small part of my life and the biggest reminder that I will ever have and keep is not a CD or anything like that. It is the scars on my arm, they tell me and the world a story that can't always be put into words. The remind me of the most important part of my life and also the most painful. Those few people that I love so much and call my family.


What about where I am now going? Some of you know about my plans to move out of England and back to Ireland. I keep a 5 Euro note on me at all times as a reminder of where I want to go in life and so I can never be without any money again.

Tolerance

We are supposed to be living in a more tolerant society today but is this really the case? I was sitting in Trafalgar Square on Thursday and 2 ladies walked past me holding hands, I looked at them and thought aww what a great couple. The first thing I hear after they walked past me was a comment about gays. I have got friends who have been abused because of their sexuality.

Society may have moved on by removing laws that discriminate against people as a result of their sexuality but have people moved on? I am Catholic but my views go against what the Catholic Church and many other faiths say. In some countries the church is so powerful it can dictate how the population act, in this country that is not the case. A generation of people were bought up to hide their sexuality on the basis it was wrong and against the law to be gay but I do not consider this an excuse for people to abuse others. We may live in a society were freedom of speech is enshrined in law but that does not mean that one person can abuse another because of who they are are, to do so is likely to get you arrested.

If to people want to express there feelings in public then why should we view them any differently because it is two men or two women doing it rather than a man and a woman? What is so offensive about it? I could understand if the couple were getting it on or having sex but then again the reaction would be the same if it was a heterosexual couple doing it.

So are we living in a more tolerant society? The evidence appears to show that we still have a long way to go.

Change of Tact

I may not be showing it openly but I am having a fair old fight at the moment. My aim is not just to get back on track with everything but actively move forward with my life. I am not prepared to say woe is me and then sit back and do nothing. It isn't who I am.

In the last couple of weeks I have manage to limit the damage done and prevent anything extreme happening. I with the help of my therapist have identified the causes and reasons behind all of the damage. I will be working on these issues and reforming a prevention plan.

I have actively looked for those people those people who have hurt, offended and abused me in the past and severed any possible links with those people. I have removed people who have upset me from Facebook and Twitter. They have also been blocked on other websites.

I have looked at what connections I have with a horrific part of my life and have now removed 95% of them and expect the remainder to go shortly.

Today I openly talked about my daughters, manage to trigger myself and deal with it. I am also looking at certain people and asking why we are friends.

As you can see I am doing a huge amount of positive work and I want to say thankyou to everyone who has and is supporting me.


Michael xx

Election

The election date is almost upon us. We have had politicians running all over the place trying to get votes. There have been embarrassing moments which the media have reported to death and then a bit more just in case we missed it the first missed million times. We can't forget the egg moment and the idiots, sorry hecklers who have gone out of their way to get their 2 minutes of fame in the news. Most if not all made themselves look completely stupid.

What have the politicians been doing to win my vote? Very little. Yes I have had the leaflets from the conservatives, nothing from the Liberal Democrats or Labour and one leaflet from a far right racist party. A few months ago I received responses from both the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats to emails I sent them.

Labour have failed miserably, they haven't even attempted to win my vote so I have to work on the basis of what I have seen of them over the last parliament. I won't be voting for them on that basis.

That just leaves the Conservative and the Liberal Democrats. The Conservatives have been the most responsive to me, however the Liberal Democrats saying about a £10000 personal allowance seriously appeals to me. They are pro Euro as I am but they are against Trident which I fully support.

I will probably make my decision on Thursday when I go to vote.

Perfection has its price

I have been working with my therapist to get my self harming back under control and me back on track. I have been struggling a huge amount and I think if you read my entries for the last month you will see this as well. One thing about me is 99.99% of the time I am not prepared to sit back and do nothing about it.

I put a massive amount of pressure to get through the anniversary and March without anything bad happening. I started building the pressure at the start of March and kicked myself hard for any minor error. Rather going with the flow I dictated what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. It worked but the consequences of that is what has been happening. We know that when things get really bad or stressful my first instinct is to do damage to cope. Rather than forcing it I should have let things happen. Most blips are over fairly quickly for me.

Work has been really stressful over the last few weeks, more than usual if I am being honest. Without a doubt this has aggravated the situation and caused quite a bit of damage. I have got a fair bit of work to get my thoughts around work sorted. However now things have started it should get easier for me.

We all have bad days and stressful days but I am going to try and be more open with everyone if I am having a bad day which is likely to end up in damage. I have a fixed process that I go through to prevent any damage happening but letting people know what is going on will make life easier.

Onto the positive stuff

It has been 4 days since I last burn't myself which is good
I was thinking about my daughters on Monday and all I felt was warmth and love rather than the usual raw pain and grief. Again this is a good sign.
A very unexpected craving for a decent glass of white wine.

Thomas The Tank Engine

Tonight I have a passionate hatred for myself, even more than usual which could be called an achievement its self. I burnt myself to control what everyone would agree are natural feelings. This doesn't happen to me very often but when it does it hurts like hell and always catches me off guard.

So what has upset me? I was walking to my local Sainsburys and watched this lady let her kids go on a Thomas the tank engine ride. As they climbed on the ride my first and only thought was "I should be doing that with my daughters"

I had to stop myself from bursting into tears

Mood

Understand this and you will understand how I feel at the moment.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz-DJr1Qs54

Letter

There is a letter that I have written whilst in Dublin. This letter is full of love and sorrow. It has my intentions, promises and feelings and is what is in my heart. This letter is my soul exposed and my pain. I haven't read the letter since I wrote it and may not read it again for months and maybe years.

The letter is hidden as I want to protect it as much as the memories and love I have. If I want to protect it so much why I am telling you all about it? Well it shows that my heart is still very much taken.

I am trying to rebuild some very solid foundations that have been destroyed over the last few years and this is part of it.

Update

I have seen my therapist this afternoon and we have gone into what has gone on and the cause of this. It is fairly serious and there is a part of me that doesn't want to deal with this and wants to continue with the self harming and antacid abuse. It is a form of security and helps me hide what is really going on in the world.

I believe I owe it to myself and to those who do care about me to get this under control and hopefully get back to the point that I can completely stop. We know the causes and I am starting straight away. Every time I harm myself regardless of the reason I see it as a failure and have put myself under a huge amount of pressure not to injure or doing anything bad to myself.

Now I am going to try and go with the flow and if it happens, it happens. Obviously I am going to do my best to prevent any damage but I am taking a different approach. I intend to try and apologise to myself for what I have done.

Bang out of order

I have no intention of holding back in my blog today. I would please ask you not to read this if you are upset by graphic descriptions. I have been a complete shit to myself today.

I think I have previously posted that I regularly get upset over my daughters, last Friday night I bawled my eyes out over them. Now we all know that I am not my own biggest fan and that I self harm.

This morning I almost drove myself to tears and not over my daughters. These were the sort of tears that you would expect after being violently punished and I paid for the privilege. I bought a coffee, used it to hurt myself and then threw the perfectly good coffee away. Did I deserve it or need to push it so far? Absolutely not no. You would be right to call it cruel. It was bang out of order even by my standards.

Why did I do it like this? It is the harshest possible punishment and the way I tend to get when things feel oppressive. No matter what people have done to me in the past I can do allot worse.

Mental Kickings

It is days like this where I tend to give myself quite a mental kicking to try and control what is going on inside me. Now being at work this tends to make matters worse in one way and rather bizarrely good in another way as I will normally end up using pain to stop things. When I was growing up pain was used as a motivator to me, words like "if you don't stop crying I will give you something to cry about" or "if you don't do this or stop doing this then you will get a smack" which was normally followed by a smack.

I have previously said that my family is and has been a major reason behind my self harming and a serious suicide attempt. Work is another reason and I have injured myself at work on numerous occasions. Normally to improve my performance because my body isn't doing what I expect or I am stressed. I have previously posted that it changes my mood. Working in a call centre I have to be focused and able to deal with our customers and I am unable to do this if I am wound up, not focused or my arm is playing up. So I end up resorting to the one method used on me to sort this out and get back to where I am expected to be. Recently I told my employer and obviously they are concerned about this.

As I have said I am stuck at work and not being very nice to myself over it. I am here on my own making hours up and have been feeling very isolated since Friday, my family is very much on my mind and yes I am missing them more than ever. Things are also quite difficult at work and I am giving myself a kicking over it which doesn't help matters. I consider the position I am in now as a complete failure and a reflection of my life as a whole. The reality is that I am in the best position I have been in my life but this does not stop these thoughts.

People call self harm or deliberate self injure attention seeking and in some cases it may be. In my case I don't believe you can call it attention seeking. Why? I am now sitting here with a large burn mark on my arm and not said anything to anyone, nor do I plan to. My focus is back on my job and will stay that way now until the end of the shift. In other words my performance will have improved keeping everyone happy.

My performance my have improved but how am I really? Apart from being sore where the burn is my body is currently howling at me because of the abuse it has taken again. Inside my mood has dropped and quite frankly I could do with a hug. I hate myself even more for failing to fight the urges more than I did and burning myself.

Moving on

The last few years have been really difficult for me, some of the things I have posted and openly talked about. Some of the other stuff I can't post as I don't want to put you off your dinner as it is horrific, some of it I will take to the grave with me and the rest I feel will probably bore you as much as it did me when going through it. The theme is me being put through hell and then being given a bloody good kicking for the trouble.

Now with a few very rare exceptions I have been let down or abused by just about everyone I trusted, called my friend or family. Most of the minor stuff I have forgotten about and moved on but there have been a few very major things that any reasonable person would have very serious issues with. Also with some people it hasn't just been one thing, it has been repeated to the point that the only person who believes anything they say or do is themselves. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I have wanted to slap a few people over what they have done.

There is one sentence that I have heard so many times it now bores me. That sentence is "I will make it up to you" or a similar sentence. Evidence shows that in 99.99% of cases this isn't true, admittedly sometimes this is because there is nothing that person can do to change what they have done. A genuine sorry is a very very rare thing, I doubt that some people even know how to say it.

This blog isn't about me hurling abuse at these people because I doubt they appreciate the hurt and suffering that they have caused. This is about me moving on and ending as much of the hurt as possible. I have to do this my way and in my own time but it will happen for everyone no matter what they have done to me or my family. Hatred is a very extreme emotion and takes allot of time, focus and energy and I have been carrying a huge amount of it for quite a period of time now.

I respect people more if they hold their hands up and apologise when they have done something wrong. My reaction maybe anger initially but I tend to move on very quickly. If I have done something wrong it is precisely what I do and normally includes making amends. What I don't do is lie through my teeth and make matters worse.

As I have previously said I need to move on from that point in my life. I am afraid that will mean excluding quite a number of people out of my life, I am only prepared to give these people so much. Now I can only say it so many times but I don't expect, need or want anything from these people. I seriously believe my life will be a better place without them in it, regardless of their opinion on the matter. In the future I want good, genuine and honest people in my life. We may have our ups and downs but with a foundation based on mutual trust and respect we can get through any bad times.

There is a flip side and more positive part to my blog today. I have met and continue to meet some really nice people and long may our friendships continue.