I have to do something!

There has to be a point where a person says enough is enough, we all have this point but some of us take longer to get there than others. I freely admit that at the moment I am in a very bad mood, to put it bluntly I am pissed off and have decided to do something about it. I am not sure how long it will last for, but for now I am saying enough is enough.  I can't change the past or the way people have treated me, I can however change the present and perhaps the future.

People needed cheering up or motivating? Michael was the one with the chocolate and cakes. People need stationery? Michael was the one to supply it. People need support? Michael is there offering everything that he can. Major incident, crisis or general f**k up? Yep, you guessed it! Michael is knee deep in it sorting everything out.

The first thing I hear people cry is "No one asked you to do anything" Well in numerous cases they did ask me, in others it was expected of me. Either way it never stopped every man, woman and their dog criticising, blaming, and generally making me as miserable as possible. I am talking about the very major stuff there before anyone starts. I could put money on there being very few people out there being treated so badly after dealing with a major incident that they ended up sending written and verbal apologies to everyone. With the little stuff like the cakes and stationery do it so often it becomes expected and unappreciated.  

Do I regret my actions in these events? Far from it no and I would do the same again. I did wrongly assume that in certain cases after I had finished dealing with the big stuff that I would have a bit of support dealing with the personal damage caused.  I certainly didn't expect the actions and behaviours of certain people who have forced me into this position and are the cause of my anger. This I do regret, I also regret that I am in the position now where I have to deal with 99.99% of this in secret but that is the price of my actions. I also deeply regret the times where I can't keep things locked down and hidden, I do try my best to keep within the social norms and hide the horrible stuff from everyone.   When it does rear it's head you can guarantee I regret it. 

I have to do something to try and ease my ever increasing anger over what has happened and what continues to happen. It doesn't mean I am turning into a cold hearted, selfish excuse of a man. There are people out there that I will always try my best to help them, if they need me I will assist them. Until my anger subsides I am afraid I won't be the one who steps up for the vast majority of people and times.

I am feeling quite mixed up at the moment but doing something is better than doing nothing.

Success!

I am officially a happy bunny today and the reason may sound extremely trivial to the vast majority of people but for me it is a success.  Today Sunday 20th May 2012 I am having a very lazy day! More importantly I am happy about this.

I have over the last few months found it very difficult to have a lazy day and found excuses to go out on every day off I have had. I had to make sure I was actively doing something even if it was go for a walk into the city for breakfast or a coffee. Today I have been through all of the billion and one reasons that I need to go out and I have dismissed all of them. I am going allow my brain and body a day off.

So I hereby declare today a pants/trousers/skirt optional lazy day!

Wound up

Do you know that feeling when you are wound up as tight as you can go and there is nothing you can do about it? That is the situation that I find myself in at the moment.  I can't openly talke about what the problem is because that would put me at risk, I am not sure how much risk but I guarantee it would make like very uncomfortable for me in the short to medium term.  I can't talk to the person I need to talk to as I have already been informed that I am hard work (nothing positive in that statement).  Plus I am not sure if there would be any benefit to being open with that person anyway. Finally I can't self injure because that would heap a mountain of problems squarely on my shouldders. So I must sit here and stew in my increasing frustration, hoping that I have enough self control until I can get to a place that is safe enough for me to vent.

I am however going to vent just enough on here for me to be able to ease the pressure and get back to keeping every man, women, child and their dog happy.  Here goes!  I am beyong pig, sick and tired of being the one expected to stand up and resolve everything, then being the only person to blame when something goes wrong. Seriously my head has been well and truly done in over this. There is a probelm, Michael stands up and sorts it out. Michael then gets blamed for the event, other peoples actions and anything else that has happened or ever will happen.

What the world doesn't realise is that I am still paying the price for being that sort of person. It hurts, it continues to hurt and I doubt it will ever stop hurting.  I stand up, I do the right thing, I am failed by everyone, I pay the price and it is my fault.

That's me done!

How to ruin a perfectly decent mood.

I wish I could make people understand just how difficult certain things are for me.  This isn't about confidence this is about actual self worth, something for me that has been obliterated beyond all recognition.  I have a tiny amount of self worth which I manage to display in March when I went to London and finally managed to treat myself properly.

Today I had another full on flashback before going to work. Unusually this time I was taken back to the point that I was holding my eldest daughter in my arms. A moment that I fully treasure and as it did today normally ends up with me bursting with pride to the point that I could cry.  It makes a refreshing change from the normal horrors that I have to deal with. Most of which have been coming back over the last few weeks to have yet another go. Exhausted is an understatement. 

Riding on this absolute pride I decided to deal with quite a delicate subject for me which is my upcoming birthday.  It is also the quickest was to destroy a perfectly decent mood.  I am going to a show in London the day after my birthday and knowing that I tend to be comprehensively ignored by the entire planet on my birthday and Christmas I decided that I would go to London on my birthday (it is a very long story which I won't be boring you with but to say I don't deserve the way I am treated, naturally which I am told is entirely my fault. Most things are don't you know)

As soon as I make this decision my brain kicks off. I am not allowed to do things like that. I am not allowed to treat myself and I am certainly not entitled to celebrate my birthday. Someone as utterly lowly as me doesn't deserve anything.  I am a no body who certainly shouldn't be going above my station and get myself noticed by doing something for myself. (There are a few people who would be delighted to read this.)  I haven't got a family to celebrate it with anyway. I forced myself to book the hotel at the cost of a perfectly decent mood. It is the price I have to pay for being me and my past actions. I would say woe is me but that would end up with me being vicious.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I may even delete it shortly, who knows?