It was a biggie

You know it was a biggie when I use my blog to write about it. It had been a while in the coming and it at stupid o'clock on Saturday morning. When I say hit I mean it was like being it with a freight train, not the flashback which was to put it bluntly was fucking awful but my body's reaction to it. 

We have certain indicators when we are stressed, very stressed and seriously stressed. Mine hit all at once with as much severity as they could muster. My throat was the first to go which felt like I was slowly being stabbed with a red hot knife. The next day my stomach kicked off to the point it became difficult to do anything, all my energy went and I had to give up with my usual Saturday trip to the city. 

After getting home my anger boiled over resulting in a box being killed.  In the past I have ended up killing expensive handmade cushions  but at £60 a throw it gets a tad inconvenient when jobless plus the major fact that I like the cushion I have now. The box of paper was going in the bin anyway so no harm done. 

Now I end up mentally and physically exhausted whilst feeling really ill. 24 hours later and I am still feeling really dodgy from it. I can't tell anyone how I really feel as I can't talk about the flashback and at the end of the day I don't want to burden anyone with something that is my problem. So again I am lying through my teeth to protect others.

I am hoping one day I may be able to seek forgiveness until then I hope people understand. I haven't got time to be ill as I need to get a new job and my life back on track. I am 90% certain that being out of work has contributed to this, it certainly is contributing to how long it is taking me to get over it. Then again it has been less than 48 hours so I could be being exceptionally hard on myself as per usual, not sure if I care at this precise moment.

Much love to all those who deserve it.

Update

Life is hard, woe is me!  It would be slightly easier if I would stop being a absolute c**t to myself over loosing my job.  It also doesn't help that I have had to drastically alter my plans to deal with the anniversary on March 8th but what is really causing me a whole heap of issues is not being around people.  I am a very social person and need to be around people.  I also have to keep to my usual routine to prevent my brain from kicking off, the last thing I need at the moment is for a full on brain dump and me having to deal with that on top of everything. 

I was going to write how I booked a single room in London which resulted in two very crap nights sleep, how I didn't do anything but stay in my hotel room whilst in London to try and save money, how I didn't go and see Les Miserables to punish myself for loosing my job, how I have cut out all of the nice treats to punish myself and to ensure I only get the very basics that I need and please forgive my language just how shitty it is making me feel but I won't.  I wish people could understand just how difficult I am finding this and how beaten down I now feel but then it feels like I am being very whiney.

You maybe surprised to know that through out all of this I haven't deliberately injured myself, yes I have been a complete arse to myself because of a mixture of stress and panic but I haven't injured myself. Only in the last few days have I felt the need to, even this is nothing close to what would trigger anything off.  I have had the usual waves of rage and anger but that is nothing to do with my current situation. 

What I am going to say is this;

On the anniversary whilst I may not have been able to do what I wanted to do. I managed to have a positive day.  I did everything I needed to do for my family, treated myself and cooked a really nice dinner for myself. 

I had a really positive and learning experience when at the re employment workshop provided by my former employer in London. The team of people I was with were nothing short of brilliant and it was a relief to be in a workplace setting for a couple of days. I came away knowing that I deserve more and can do more, I need to work out what an achievement is and need to sell myself more and that I need to look at my leadership skills. 

The job centre have confirmed they are happy that I am doing everything possible to find a new job. 

I spoke to a consultant this afternoon and went through everything I had been doing to get a new job and she confirmed that although I may not think it everything I have done is positive.

I haven't had a complete meltdown and managed to keep things just about under control. There may have even been some positive change in me.

I am now a friend of the English National Ballet which is something I have been meaning to do for a while, I have also renewed my friends membership of the Royal Hibernian Academy in Dublin. I am also looking ahead to see if I can do anymore studying with the Open University.

Even with all of this positive stuff and the steps I have taken to move forward with my life I still feel bloody awful at the moment. Yesterday I felt particularly bad to the point that I hated the planet and wished it would f**k right off.

I still managed to make someone burst out laughing which has to say something doesn't it?