Monday, 16 August 2010
quote
I light a candle each night in the hope you find your way home to me. I cling on to not what I have lost but what I had. Those moments, those sweet sweet moments we had together
Monday, 9 August 2010
Dilemma
I have a dilemma and wanted to post on here. I need some advice so please feel free to post in the comments here, mail or tweet me with your thoughts. It is a bit of a sensitive subject for me and it is about my youngest daughter Joy who would have been 3 years old on the 25th August.
Now I will hold my hands up and say that things have been bad between Joys mother and myself. For whatever reason she rejected Joy when she was born and had been in denial about her since the funeral. We had fallen out but recently started talking again and i found out that the reason for the denial was because she hadn't told her new husband about Joy. Whilst I still have my doubts about her motives and reasons I have accepted this. She now claims she has told her husband about her.
She knows that I haven't told my parents about Joy and is now saying that I should tell them about her. I have never denied anything about Joy, admittedly I haven't really openly talked about Joy but I have never been in denial about her existence. My parents reaction about Orfhlaith was beyond strange and apart from making me feel like a failure they sent me pictures of my brothers baby. I know they are angry with me but my priority was my family at the time.
Telling my parents would achieve nothing. It does hurt me that they don't know and part of me says that they have a right to know. However I believe it would do nothing to improve the relationship between us and if their last reaction is anything to go by it will make matters worse.
So my question is should I tell them or should I keep quiet?
Now I will hold my hands up and say that things have been bad between Joys mother and myself. For whatever reason she rejected Joy when she was born and had been in denial about her since the funeral. We had fallen out but recently started talking again and i found out that the reason for the denial was because she hadn't told her new husband about Joy. Whilst I still have my doubts about her motives and reasons I have accepted this. She now claims she has told her husband about her.
She knows that I haven't told my parents about Joy and is now saying that I should tell them about her. I have never denied anything about Joy, admittedly I haven't really openly talked about Joy but I have never been in denial about her existence. My parents reaction about Orfhlaith was beyond strange and apart from making me feel like a failure they sent me pictures of my brothers baby. I know they are angry with me but my priority was my family at the time.
Telling my parents would achieve nothing. It does hurt me that they don't know and part of me says that they have a right to know. However I believe it would do nothing to improve the relationship between us and if their last reaction is anything to go by it will make matters worse.
So my question is should I tell them or should I keep quiet?
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Broken
It has been a while since my last blog so I thought I would post an update as to what is going on with me. If I could put it in one sentence i would say I am broken. I think the alarm bells went off when I had to self harm just to get through the day. I went into work on the Monday and got sent home, the same happened again on the Tuesday. I have been off work for just over a week now and can only describe myself as seriously wound up with no voice.
I am having some quite serious flashbacks now, these are new flashbacks that freak me out. I am getting even more wound up and feeling threatened when leaving the house, feeling very threatened in my house. When I am out I am having what can only be described as stress reactions. The flashback are happening several times a day. Oh and my sleeping pattern is shot, add in headaches and having to fight the urges to harm myself. The worst thing for me is that my trust levels get completely blown and I struggle to trust people that I would normally trust
You would be right if you said things are a mess at the moment. This is the worst that things have been for me and I am not sure how long it will take to fix me. By the way I feel tonight it could be a while before I am back on track and rocking along with the world. It is weird sitting here feeling very wound up, insecure, threatened and needing a hug when in a locked house on my own.
As per normal I am not looking for sympathy but wanted everyone to know what is going on with me. Normal service will be resumed when my mind allows it.
I am having some quite serious flashbacks now, these are new flashbacks that freak me out. I am getting even more wound up and feeling threatened when leaving the house, feeling very threatened in my house. When I am out I am having what can only be described as stress reactions. The flashback are happening several times a day. Oh and my sleeping pattern is shot, add in headaches and having to fight the urges to harm myself. The worst thing for me is that my trust levels get completely blown and I struggle to trust people that I would normally trust
You would be right if you said things are a mess at the moment. This is the worst that things have been for me and I am not sure how long it will take to fix me. By the way I feel tonight it could be a while before I am back on track and rocking along with the world. It is weird sitting here feeling very wound up, insecure, threatened and needing a hug when in a locked house on my own.
As per normal I am not looking for sympathy but wanted everyone to know what is going on with me. Normal service will be resumed when my mind allows it.
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