*raises hand* I have gone through some pretty intense flashbacks recently, some have scared me silly and others have broken my heart. March is always a very difficult time of the year for me. Virtually all of what has been going on has been completely hidden from 99.99% of everyone that knows me. I have done what I needed to get through this time.
Here comes the positivity! I will repeat what I have just said, I have done what I needed to do to get through this time whilst drawing very little attention to myself or what is happening. I have diverted peoples attention away from me. I have done it with very little money, support or wiggle room. I have avoided inflicting any damage on myself and hopefully continued to change peoples perception of me.
I am now stronger than I have ever been and I am actively planning for the future. It may sound corny but for me the future is a far brighter than the past could ever be. The urges to injure myself are becoming less and no where near as intense as they used to be. I am able to acknowledge them when they happen, view them as urges and nothing more and know that the feeling will pass. I am being very proactive in dealing with issues as they arise and getting things sorted quicker than I would have done before. Also I think I need to say that I am not running away from the past, I am embracing the parts of the past that I need to and bringing them along with me.
*insert smilie face here*
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Bad Day
I am reliably told that flashbacks are a good thing, it is the minds way of fixing things. I suppose it goes back to the events to try and find a way of resolving what has happened. I am currently going through a period of time where mine are getting more intense and distressing. Today was a major one where my sense of safety completely disappeared resulting in me panicking and having to leave work. Another weird side effect was my arm got really really painful. I am told that I must accept them and let them happen.
There are some events in life that can't be changed or altered. There are some things that just can't be repaired regardless of how many times you visit the event or are taken there by a mind trying to repair the damage caused. Lives that have been taken in the most heartbreaking ways can't be returned. It isn't fair that a broken heart is damaged further by revisiting those moments where the loss is the hardest and the distress is the highest. I am told this is normal and I must endure it whilst functioning normally.
When do the flashbacks end? Why must I take so many steps forward just to be knocked back by my mind trying to fix what can't be fixed?
There are some events in life that can't be changed or altered. There are some things that just can't be repaired regardless of how many times you visit the event or are taken there by a mind trying to repair the damage caused. Lives that have been taken in the most heartbreaking ways can't be returned. It isn't fair that a broken heart is damaged further by revisiting those moments where the loss is the hardest and the distress is the highest. I am told this is normal and I must endure it whilst functioning normally.
When do the flashbacks end? Why must I take so many steps forward just to be knocked back by my mind trying to fix what can't be fixed?
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Help
i have been struggling with a specific flash back for days now, it has a grip on me and isn’t letting go. I have tried all of the usual things distraction, grounding myself and distancing myself from it and so far it hasn’t worked. I think it is because my brain is still trying to work out how to deal with it. I need to find a way to get this under control as I am back at work tomorrow and I am required to have everything perfectly under control and have their specified public image showing. I honestly can’t afford for my job to be impacted and if I let on there is a fairly major problem it will just add onto those issues. I am fighting the urges to use some quite extreme methods which admittedly would get things back under control fairly instantly.
I have coping strategies and I am fully aware of the triggers that normally set off a flashback. However they seem to be becoming more unpredictable and they are becoming stronger and stronger. I am finding it harder to ground myself and the effects seem to be lasting for days now.
I am being as proactive as I can which is why I am writing this post. If anyone knows any UK based organisations or charities that can help me then can you please let me know. DM, e mail, tweet or send a messenger pigeon. I am not going to have a repeat of last year where I completely lost control.
I have coping strategies and I am fully aware of the triggers that normally set off a flashback. However they seem to be becoming more unpredictable and they are becoming stronger and stronger. I am finding it harder to ground myself and the effects seem to be lasting for days now.
I am being as proactive as I can which is why I am writing this post. If anyone knows any UK based organisations or charities that can help me then can you please let me know. DM, e mail, tweet or send a messenger pigeon. I am not going to have a repeat of last year where I completely lost control.
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Rant
I need a good old fashion rant so please bear with me and forgive me in advance. I know there are more important things going on in the world but honestly there are some things and people that are really starting to annoy me.
In the last week I have had the pleasure of sitting and listening to people make comments and judge me because I am wearing a hoodie. Both times I have been in church and these people who claim to be Catholics seem to think it is acceptable to publicly judge another person because of the clothes they are wearing. Just because you are old doesn’t give you the right to be rude, judgmental and to act in a way that is going to cause others offence.
Yes I wear a hoodie! That doesn’t mean that I am going rob you, abuse you or be nasty in any way. No I don’t take drugs, I very rarely drink and I treat others the way I expect to be treated. I work full time and I pay taxes, I am responsible and ensure that I pay my bills on time. I give to charity as much as I possibly can. Oh and lets move onto clothes my favourite label is Armani, my shoes are Timberland and whilst I may look scruffy at times the look I have is spot on perfect. Something the 9 out of 10 people can’t manage and no I don’t have to spend hours getting ready.
I am a private person so this means unlike the most people I won’t openly talk about who I am seeing or what I am doing unless I know you. Why because unlike the Jeremy Kyle generation or these Catholics I don’t feel to openly discuss my private life in the hope of getting some acceptance. I have done some huge amazing things over the last 10 years and again I don’t feel the urge to throw that in everyones face because I don’t feel the need to justify my worth to society. My worth to society is already known and accepted
In the last week I have had the pleasure of sitting and listening to people make comments and judge me because I am wearing a hoodie. Both times I have been in church and these people who claim to be Catholics seem to think it is acceptable to publicly judge another person because of the clothes they are wearing. Just because you are old doesn’t give you the right to be rude, judgmental and to act in a way that is going to cause others offence.
Yes I wear a hoodie! That doesn’t mean that I am going rob you, abuse you or be nasty in any way. No I don’t take drugs, I very rarely drink and I treat others the way I expect to be treated. I work full time and I pay taxes, I am responsible and ensure that I pay my bills on time. I give to charity as much as I possibly can. Oh and lets move onto clothes my favourite label is Armani, my shoes are Timberland and whilst I may look scruffy at times the look I have is spot on perfect. Something the 9 out of 10 people can’t manage and no I don’t have to spend hours getting ready.
I am a private person so this means unlike the most people I won’t openly talk about who I am seeing or what I am doing unless I know you. Why because unlike the Jeremy Kyle generation or these Catholics I don’t feel to openly discuss my private life in the hope of getting some acceptance. I have done some huge amazing things over the last 10 years and again I don’t feel the urge to throw that in everyones face because I don’t feel the need to justify my worth to society. My worth to society is already known and accepted
Monday, 7 March 2011
Edge of life news article
As this news report directly effects me and my experiences I have decided to discuss it and give my side of the story. Here is a link to the story http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12625253 The story talks about very premature babies and their fight for life. It gives the statistics that only nine babies in a hundred born at 23 weeks will survive and out of the survivors most are disabled.
Later on in the article it talks about in Holland they have a policy of non intervention. The article says Resuscitating babies at 23 weeks is not universal. In Holland the policy is to not intervene with babies born at this time, and to allow them to die a dignified death. "That is how nature works there is no way you can help these babies," said Professor Arend Bos from the Dutch Society of Neonatologists."I think we are doing more harm to treat them and after two or three hours or days or six weeks the infant will die anyway, having had a lot of suffering and pain that doesn't have any purpose to it." The article then asks should we adopt the same policy in the UK.
I have to point out that section 1, article 2 of the european convention on human rights protects the right to life. In the UK this is enforced under the Human Rights act of 1998. This would also apply to premature babies regardless of how premature they are born. I know this is a very simplistic view but from my point of view is that if a baby is able to breathe then it must have a viable life and therefore the human rights act must apply. I would also say that doctors have a duty of care.
However this is where things get a bit more complicated and things aren’t so black and white. As a parent all I wanted was to spend as much time as possible with my daughters, my instinct and everything inside of me wanted everything possible done to save them. I would have taken care of them regardless of how ill or disabled they were. On the flip side of this I wouldn’t and didn’t want my daughters to suffer. It has taken me a huge amount of effort to say this but with my eldest daughters medical intervention quite possibly would have made her suffer and cause her pain. I am now in tears typing this but allowing my daughters to die with dignity in my arms without massive medical intervention was the best thing I could do for them. They both fought for life though and I am beyond proud of them.
I would also argue that there may be cases were not intervening would cause the baby distress and to suffer. There are also parents who would want and expect the doctors to intervene regardless of the situation. The article doesn’t say what happens in Holland in these cases. Finally there are the genuine miracles where babies survive against all odds, I would ask that surely these babies deserve all available support and help?
Personally I believe that the UK should not adopt the same policy as Holland. Every single baby should be given the best possible care on the basis on the medical evidence the baby presents and yes that should include allowing the baby to die with dignity if nothing else can be done.
Finally the article talks about over £10 million being spent on babies born at 23 weeks yet the survival figures haven’t increased. If we start to use cost to justify not intervening then we as a country have taken a huge step back as a society. The total NHS budget is £110 billion so the £10 million spent on trying to save babies born at 23 weeks represents a tiny proportion of the budget. I would say that this money is well spent and I am currently fighting for the funding of neonatal services to be increased.
Later on in the article it talks about in Holland they have a policy of non intervention. The article says Resuscitating babies at 23 weeks is not universal. In Holland the policy is to not intervene with babies born at this time, and to allow them to die a dignified death. "That is how nature works there is no way you can help these babies," said Professor Arend Bos from the Dutch Society of Neonatologists."I think we are doing more harm to treat them and after two or three hours or days or six weeks the infant will die anyway, having had a lot of suffering and pain that doesn't have any purpose to it." The article then asks should we adopt the same policy in the UK.
I have to point out that section 1, article 2 of the european convention on human rights protects the right to life. In the UK this is enforced under the Human Rights act of 1998. This would also apply to premature babies regardless of how premature they are born. I know this is a very simplistic view but from my point of view is that if a baby is able to breathe then it must have a viable life and therefore the human rights act must apply. I would also say that doctors have a duty of care.
However this is where things get a bit more complicated and things aren’t so black and white. As a parent all I wanted was to spend as much time as possible with my daughters, my instinct and everything inside of me wanted everything possible done to save them. I would have taken care of them regardless of how ill or disabled they were. On the flip side of this I wouldn’t and didn’t want my daughters to suffer. It has taken me a huge amount of effort to say this but with my eldest daughters medical intervention quite possibly would have made her suffer and cause her pain. I am now in tears typing this but allowing my daughters to die with dignity in my arms without massive medical intervention was the best thing I could do for them. They both fought for life though and I am beyond proud of them.
I would also argue that there may be cases were not intervening would cause the baby distress and to suffer. There are also parents who would want and expect the doctors to intervene regardless of the situation. The article doesn’t say what happens in Holland in these cases. Finally there are the genuine miracles where babies survive against all odds, I would ask that surely these babies deserve all available support and help?
Personally I believe that the UK should not adopt the same policy as Holland. Every single baby should be given the best possible care on the basis on the medical evidence the baby presents and yes that should include allowing the baby to die with dignity if nothing else can be done.
Finally the article talks about over £10 million being spent on babies born at 23 weeks yet the survival figures haven’t increased. If we start to use cost to justify not intervening then we as a country have taken a huge step back as a society. The total NHS budget is £110 billion so the £10 million spent on trying to save babies born at 23 weeks represents a tiny proportion of the budget. I would say that this money is well spent and I am currently fighting for the funding of neonatal services to be increased.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Time off
A question I get asked frequently is why do you take so much time off in March? Most people then go on to tell me that I shouldn’t focus on March 8th and that I should treat every day as a normal day. Obviously these people have not lost children and don’t really understand my reasoning. This blog is about answering that question and not about having a go at them. I really do hope I get to the point where I can drastically reduce the amount of time off I have in March but it isn’t the right time and my life isn’t at the point where reducing the time off I have is safe.
As I am writing this I am currently using multiple methods to try and ground myself. I have had a major flashback which came on unexpectedly and with non of the usual warning signs and triggers. It was bad enough for me to loose track of reality. This is also not one that I am used to or had before. It happened on the bus on the way home I am glad no one was about to see me rapidly turn into a quivering mess. I have managed to get home without letting on what has happened. Had I been at work I would have had to go home meaning more sickness and possibly trouble for me. It would have also drawn allot of attention to me which is something I don’t want.
I am not going to talk about what actually happened in the flashback as I think it is to graphic/upsetting to be talked about on here. Also I don’t want to trigger a bigger or worse flashback even with me being in the safety of my home. You will also have forgive me if I am not very responsive online for today as these can take a while to get fully under control.
As I am writing this I am currently using multiple methods to try and ground myself. I have had a major flashback which came on unexpectedly and with non of the usual warning signs and triggers. It was bad enough for me to loose track of reality. This is also not one that I am used to or had before. It happened on the bus on the way home I am glad no one was about to see me rapidly turn into a quivering mess. I have managed to get home without letting on what has happened. Had I been at work I would have had to go home meaning more sickness and possibly trouble for me. It would have also drawn allot of attention to me which is something I don’t want.
I am not going to talk about what actually happened in the flashback as I think it is to graphic/upsetting to be talked about on here. Also I don’t want to trigger a bigger or worse flashback even with me being in the safety of my home. You will also have forgive me if I am not very responsive online for today as these can take a while to get fully under control.
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