Compassion

Some of you may have noticed the other day that I posted that I was missing Michaela. I am not normally that open about whom I am missing or want to be with, normally I will post I miss my family. This time because of what was happening I felt the need to be specific as to whom I was missing. 

I had spent the last couple of weeks surrounded by a sorrow that I couldn’t remove or lift. Believe me when I say this I tried everything in my arsenal including I am afraid to say pain which resulted in the usual amount of bruising when my frustration boiled over.  Yes I am surrounded by a sorrow and I give myself a thoroughly good kicking yet again. 

For some reason my brain had decided to go over some of the more vicious events that I have been through in my life. I can only assume it was to try and repair some of the damage caused by these events. Not really very helpful at the start of the year but hey that is me for you. I am told the reason I was missing her more and more is that I needed comfort, more that what I was allowing myself or perhaps a different type of comfort who knows. Either way I wasn’t giving myself the comfort and compassion that I apparently needed.

I had a lengthy discussion about this today where I admitted that in times like this I am quite hard on myself. I admitted that the reason I am like this with myself is so I can keep on moving.  I fear what would happen if I stopped, I also fear what would happen if I started self pitying. Knowing myself If I thought I had started self pitying them I would be brutal with myself, vicious would be an understatement. As well as the usual 101 methods of inflicting pain and suffering on myself it wouldn’t be the first time that I have used public humiliation as a tool. 

I allow myself a certain amount of comfort but I am told I need to learn self compassion. Compassion for others I can do and have done on a regular basis, some of the things I have done are well known. Compassion for myself is who different ball game. I honestly haven’t got a clue on this one I am afraid.  How much comfort and compassion should one give ones self?  If we are talking about more than a bowl of rice pudding, breakfast out or a trip to the cinema then I am at a loss.  Also bearing in mind that the vast majority of the damage caused can’t be fixed should I actually be giving myself comfort and compassion?  Isn’t that like using a plaster to plug a gaping wound?

I am sure as per normal I will work out what is needed to sort this out.  Either that or I will minimise and beat it down to the point that I can ignore it and move forward with my life.

Enough already!

My name is Michael and I am a human being, a mere mortal if you wish. Now if you were to believe some people around me then absolutely everything is my fault as I was reminded recently for the billionth time by the same person. I am not talking about just the odd occasional mistake that a person may make in their daily lives. If you are to believe these people I have some sort of magical superpower that means I have complete and utter control over other people which means their numerous failures are down to me.  They are icons of perfection so couldn't possibly do anything wrong.  It even goes as far as situations that I have no control or influence over, they mess up and regardless of what happens to me it is my fault. It is no joke to say that I can go above and beyond, stand in front when most people would cower and you guessed it anything happens and it is my fault.

Being a stubborn person with a tiny amount of self esteem and confidence I used to spend a huge amount of time and effort arguing we these people, putting my side of the argument and showing them that I wasn't in the wrong but quite frankly it got boring.  When I say boring I am talking about mind numbingly boring. It is a predictable broken record routine, although admittedly not as predictable as they are. It does my brain in. I tried smiling sweetly and ignoring them in the hope that they would go away, that didn't work. My latest method is to agree with them. I find this tends to keep them happy and makes them shut up quicker. They think that they have proven a point, in their tiny minds they continue to think that they are superior to me. It keeps them happy and gives me a bit of peace and quiet so I can concentrate on the important things in life.

I am able to accept the consequences of my actions, I am able to stand up and take responsibility for my actions especially when I mess up, I know how and when I should apologise to people, I don't feel the need to blame others when something goes wrong and I certainly don't think I am superior to others. If I can do all of these normal things then my question to you people is why the f**k can't you? Seriously if you are supposed to be professional then try acting like it.