I feel I need to do a slightly unusual blog post for me today. It is partly a big myself up post but also partly I feel like I need to show the world how much I have changed and how strong I really am.
I have partly tried this before and it didn’t work, perhaps because I wasn’t strong enough but I think the reality is that I am now in a completely different place in my life. It is partly about acceptance, partly about embracing the bad as well as the good, proactively dealing with issues as they arrive and finally only fighting the battles that I have a chance of winning. Although the first few months of the year have been hard I still believe that my approach has made them easier to deal with than they would have been previously. I am also a firm believer that if you want change in your life then you have to be the one to make it happen. No one is going to do it for you, this is particularly true in my case with the limited support I have in my life.
Reading my previous posts you will see that this time of the year is especially hard for me. When I get it wrong it can take large amounts of time and money to clear up the aftermath. Now I could very easily go to the doctor and be put on medication which would help with the flashbacks, the urges to harm and the very mixed emotions. I could also spend every evening drinking which would also have a similar effect. I could also run away and spend the next couple of weeks in a different city. I won’t though, what I will do is accept and embrace what is going on. I will be using this blog to express myself in the knowledge that it helps and that no one is forced to read it, I will also be using the support I have to deal with the particularly difficult parts. I know that in a couple of weeks after the anniversary things will calm down, the flashbacks will ease and the vast majority of people won’t know about or see my pain. I have managed to keep 99% of what is going on away from people who will and do judge me. I also have some very very powerful methods to control things if I do have a major wobble.
I am starting to get to know more people. I still have a love hate relationship with the city I live in but this is improving. Yes I get very strong urges to go back to Nottingham but I have no immediate plans to move back there. I am still reinforcing the links I have with Ireland and plan to visit the moment I can afford it. Within my faith I have been able to get to a point where I am able to be at peace, fully focused and able to practice at the level that I need to. I am in a position where I can show the world more of who I am and where I want to be in life. I am openly fighting for the causes that I believe in and not trying to please everyone.
Things are still changing so please bear with me.
Monday, 28 February 2011
Friday, 25 February 2011
Preparing is hard
Yesterday I decided to go and buy what I needed to mark my eldest daughters birthday. It took everything I have and much more to do it. As I have previously written it has torn me apart and left me in bits. I really don't know how to put it into words the emotions I had to control but I know that was the hardest part.
I don't know else what to say and that is unusual for me. Today is one of those days where I could really do with a real life hug. I suppose on a positive point I have managed to hide it from everyone.
I don't know else what to say and that is unusual for me. Today is one of those days where I could really do with a real life hug. I suppose on a positive point I have managed to hide it from everyone.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
The world
The world is a beautiful place, no seriously it is! Not just landscape but the people, food, music, accents and languages. The list goes on and on. Don't worry I am not on drugs or looking through rose tinted glasses. We have all seen some of this beauty at some point in our lives, I know I have. It can be as simple as a smile from a stranger to as complex as life itself. We all know it and we all appreciate it as it can improve our day, week, month or year in some cases.
During the anniversaries this world turns dark and cold, a place where there isn't anything good in it. In a planet full of life and people I feel completely alone, bitter and maybe even resentful. All I see is that the warmth, protection and light that was taken away from me and I hate the world for it. I want to be surrounded by people but can't because I am completely isolated. The pain I carry changes to something that I can focus on the world. Like an extremely fragile piece of art work this can be broken but I have yet to find someone prepared to to take that step. Therefore I use what I have to get through a day where beauty was bought into my world, perfection was achieved and then my world, my newly found world was cruely taken away from me.
I shall of course try to function as close to normal as I can on those days. The vast majority of people won't see my personal pain or the hell that this planet has turned into. I shall try and celebrate their lives and make sure I mark my daughters birthdays as one should. Having to go to the shops and buy what I need for their birthdays will as usual tear me apart and bring on a tsunami of emotion and pain. Especially when I think I should be buying them presents and preparing for their birthday parties. I can't put into words just how hard it is watching others do precisely that whilst thinking "I should be doing that"
They say time heals, well I am afraid to say in certain cases it doesn't! Time has made it easier for me to find ways of coping so when the anniversaries do come around I actually do something to show my family and the world how I feel rather than spening the day in tears curled up under my duvet or inflicting damage upon myself.
Michael xx
During the anniversaries this world turns dark and cold, a place where there isn't anything good in it. In a planet full of life and people I feel completely alone, bitter and maybe even resentful. All I see is that the warmth, protection and light that was taken away from me and I hate the world for it. I want to be surrounded by people but can't because I am completely isolated. The pain I carry changes to something that I can focus on the world. Like an extremely fragile piece of art work this can be broken but I have yet to find someone prepared to to take that step. Therefore I use what I have to get through a day where beauty was bought into my world, perfection was achieved and then my world, my newly found world was cruely taken away from me.
I shall of course try to function as close to normal as I can on those days. The vast majority of people won't see my personal pain or the hell that this planet has turned into. I shall try and celebrate their lives and make sure I mark my daughters birthdays as one should. Having to go to the shops and buy what I need for their birthdays will as usual tear me apart and bring on a tsunami of emotion and pain. Especially when I think I should be buying them presents and preparing for their birthday parties. I can't put into words just how hard it is watching others do precisely that whilst thinking "I should be doing that"
They say time heals, well I am afraid to say in certain cases it doesn't! Time has made it easier for me to find ways of coping so when the anniversaries do come around I actually do something to show my family and the world how I feel rather than spening the day in tears curled up under my duvet or inflicting damage upon myself.
Michael xx
Monday, 21 February 2011
Message
Some of you may have seen a message that I posted on Facebook and Twitter about last night. Here is the message that I posted I can safely say that was the worst night I have had in months. A viciously hard night to get through, almost glad that I have to go to work. There was an incident last night which I don’t want to go into detail but it was serious. It wasn’t self inflicted or planned. I am not sure what caused it and quite frankly I don’t want to have a repeat performance as my breathing was affected. I was fighting for air with my throat restricted at one point.
Just another thing to add to the ever increasing list of things that I urgently need to deal with.
Just another thing to add to the ever increasing list of things that I urgently need to deal with.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Opening up
Those who read my blog on a regular will know about my daughters who I talk about on a regular basis, you may have read about my wife who died before my eldest daughter. What you won’t have read about is a friend of mine who I only knew for a matter of months but will remember for the rest of my life. Her name was Amy and she knew my wife more than she did me but I believe she was one of the few people who really understood me. I am afraid to say this is another tragedy but not just for me but for a large number of people.
I am not going into the specific details of why she did what she did, the events leading up to her decision. What I will say was that she attempted suicide and I found her. The image I have of when I walked into that room I still get during flashbacks. Needless to say I successfully resuscitated her even with her neck being broken. She died later on from injuries which weren’t inflicted during her suicide attempt. I have times where I am angry with her but I understand why she did it, I was put through hell but I am as close to being a peace with her and that night. I have very rare spoken about her or what happened because of the hell I was put through even though I saved her life, gave her a second chance and those who were responsible were punished.
There is another period of time where I was repeatedly a victim of crimes on an almost a daily basis. Again I have written about the aftermath of what went on but not what happened to me. I have no desire to discuss it as I am closing the book on that period of my life. Finally there is my self injuring which I am putting a huge amount of effort to keep under control, finally stop and recover from it.
All the above has happened since I moved here from Dublin so we are talking over a period of just over 6 years. I think the important thing is that it hasn’t all be bad, I have had some great moments, some fantastic moment, some amazing moments and a perfect moment. How do I deal with all of this? The short answer is that I don’t. Time has healed some of the wounds and made others easier to deal with. I have put in a huge amount of effort and work into finding ways to live with the loss and have already written in great detail about how I try and cope with the loss of my daughters.
I am not going into the specific details of why she did what she did, the events leading up to her decision. What I will say was that she attempted suicide and I found her. The image I have of when I walked into that room I still get during flashbacks. Needless to say I successfully resuscitated her even with her neck being broken. She died later on from injuries which weren’t inflicted during her suicide attempt. I have times where I am angry with her but I understand why she did it, I was put through hell but I am as close to being a peace with her and that night. I have very rare spoken about her or what happened because of the hell I was put through even though I saved her life, gave her a second chance and those who were responsible were punished.
There is another period of time where I was repeatedly a victim of crimes on an almost a daily basis. Again I have written about the aftermath of what went on but not what happened to me. I have no desire to discuss it as I am closing the book on that period of my life. Finally there is my self injuring which I am putting a huge amount of effort to keep under control, finally stop and recover from it.
All the above has happened since I moved here from Dublin so we are talking over a period of just over 6 years. I think the important thing is that it hasn’t all be bad, I have had some great moments, some fantastic moment, some amazing moments and a perfect moment. How do I deal with all of this? The short answer is that I don’t. Time has healed some of the wounds and made others easier to deal with. I have put in a huge amount of effort and work into finding ways to live with the loss and have already written in great detail about how I try and cope with the loss of my daughters.
Saturday, 19 February 2011
The big society already exists
We have just had another launch of the Big Society by our present government. If I remember rightly this will be the third launch and I believe yet again our politicians have completely missed the point. The big society is not a new thing in fact it has been going on for many years now, our politicians have been to oblivious to notice it or recognise those who are already part of it.
If there is a national emergency then you can guarantee that people will drop everything to assist. You can guarantee that donations will pour in and people will fundraise. International emergencies, again you can guarantee a similar response. Major fundraising events such as children in need, comic relief will result in millions being raised. That is just the start, you then have people fundraising for individual causes and organisations. Oh and lets not forget the huge army of volunteers that keep charities and organisations going.
Now lets take it a step further and talk about the massive army of unpaid carers that look after relatives and friends. They don’t have to do it and at times I am sure it is a hard and thankless job. Isn’t this part of the big society? I am sure it is the core of the society that we live in today. My grandma cared for a neighbour for years and years.
The community spirit you often see where people coming together to fight for a cause, to improve their area or to help others that have fallen on hard times. Again this is part of the big society. Finally all those campaigners, activists and other who spend their time fighting to improve the lives of others.
All of the above is part of the big society and has been going on for generations. 99.99% of these people will never be publicly noticed or recognised for their work. Yet they will continue what they do regardless of what others say, think or do. I would also point out the unquantifiable amount of money that is saved by the big society that already exists. I would personally like to thank each and everyone from the bottom of my heart for the work they already do. Politicians may not notice but the rest of us have!
If there is a national emergency then you can guarantee that people will drop everything to assist. You can guarantee that donations will pour in and people will fundraise. International emergencies, again you can guarantee a similar response. Major fundraising events such as children in need, comic relief will result in millions being raised. That is just the start, you then have people fundraising for individual causes and organisations. Oh and lets not forget the huge army of volunteers that keep charities and organisations going.
Now lets take it a step further and talk about the massive army of unpaid carers that look after relatives and friends. They don’t have to do it and at times I am sure it is a hard and thankless job. Isn’t this part of the big society? I am sure it is the core of the society that we live in today. My grandma cared for a neighbour for years and years.
The community spirit you often see where people coming together to fight for a cause, to improve their area or to help others that have fallen on hard times. Again this is part of the big society. Finally all those campaigners, activists and other who spend their time fighting to improve the lives of others.
All of the above is part of the big society and has been going on for generations. 99.99% of these people will never be publicly noticed or recognised for their work. Yet they will continue what they do regardless of what others say, think or do. I would also point out the unquantifiable amount of money that is saved by the big society that already exists. I would personally like to thank each and everyone from the bottom of my heart for the work they already do. Politicians may not notice but the rest of us have!
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Just need to say this
At the moment I am having a huge push to try and fix everything that is broken in my world. I am doing 99.99% of the work on my own and without support. I am dealing with some very horrific stuff and still functioning normally. I am trying to do as much as possible before March.
It isn't working and I am struggling. I just needed to say that out allowed, thank you for reading this.
Now to continue fighting and fixing the world.
It isn't working and I am struggling. I just needed to say that out allowed, thank you for reading this.
Now to continue fighting and fixing the world.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Letting people get close to me.
I have been asked before about what real support I have and I am always honest with my answer. I have very little support, I prefer not to let others close to me because it is unfair especially after what I have been through. There is another side to this story and that is I now don’t know how to.
When I talk about letting people get close to me I am not talking about sex or relationships because I can and do get that close. I am talking about just one part of my life, my personal pain. Most people will never get to see that part of my life but I know of one particular person who does want me to allow them in to that part of my life. I am struggling to decide if I should open up.
Now I know we are all human and we all make mistakes but this person has hurt me in the past and to be honest I am still quite angry with her. My major fear though is being let down which seems to happen on a regular basis. I have also let people get very close to me before only to be betrayed and on one occasion put in very serious danger as a result. Finally on the rare occasion I have asked for support I have been told no or people are just not interested, believe it or not sometimes all I have needed was a simple hug. Now don’t get me wrong there has been the very rare person who has given me some support and I do have a great therapist. As a result of this I have coped with and dealt with everything virtually on my own, admittedly not always in the most socially acceptable ways.
What you read in this blog is about as close as I am prepared to let anyone get to my personal pain, even then it is on the basis that you decide if you read my posts or respond. Anything else happens in the privacy of my own home so I can deal with it in my own way. I am now going to do something completely different and say openly there is a problem, something that I haven’t got a clue how to deal with. It is part of my personal pain and no I have never discussed it with anyone. I won’t be persuaded or forced to talk about it until I am ready as it is very destructive. After coming so far I have no intention of taking a massive step back because of one part of one part of my life.
At the moment and until I have made those decisions I shall continue as normal. Publicly as normal I shall be pushing forward with my life, making serious changes and hiding everything else including the fight that I am having at the moment with myself. Everything else will be dealt with in the privacy of my own home. I am accepting things as they happen and may not even tweet about it on the anniversaries.
When I talk about letting people get close to me I am not talking about sex or relationships because I can and do get that close. I am talking about just one part of my life, my personal pain. Most people will never get to see that part of my life but I know of one particular person who does want me to allow them in to that part of my life. I am struggling to decide if I should open up.
Now I know we are all human and we all make mistakes but this person has hurt me in the past and to be honest I am still quite angry with her. My major fear though is being let down which seems to happen on a regular basis. I have also let people get very close to me before only to be betrayed and on one occasion put in very serious danger as a result. Finally on the rare occasion I have asked for support I have been told no or people are just not interested, believe it or not sometimes all I have needed was a simple hug. Now don’t get me wrong there has been the very rare person who has given me some support and I do have a great therapist. As a result of this I have coped with and dealt with everything virtually on my own, admittedly not always in the most socially acceptable ways.
What you read in this blog is about as close as I am prepared to let anyone get to my personal pain, even then it is on the basis that you decide if you read my posts or respond. Anything else happens in the privacy of my own home so I can deal with it in my own way. I am now going to do something completely different and say openly there is a problem, something that I haven’t got a clue how to deal with. It is part of my personal pain and no I have never discussed it with anyone. I won’t be persuaded or forced to talk about it until I am ready as it is very destructive. After coming so far I have no intention of taking a massive step back because of one part of one part of my life.
At the moment and until I have made those decisions I shall continue as normal. Publicly as normal I shall be pushing forward with my life, making serious changes and hiding everything else including the fight that I am having at the moment with myself. Everything else will be dealt with in the privacy of my own home. I am accepting things as they happen and may not even tweet about it on the anniversaries.
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