Letting people get close to me.

I have been asked before about what real support I have and I am always honest with my answer. I have very little support, I prefer not to let others close to me because it is unfair especially after what I have been through. There is another side to this story and that is I now don’t know how to.

When I talk about letting people get close to me I am not talking about sex or relationships because I can and do get that close. I am talking about just one part of my life, my personal pain. Most people will never get to see that part of my life but I know of one particular person who does want me to allow them in to that part of my life. I am struggling to decide if I should open up.

Now I know we are all human and we all make mistakes but this person has hurt me in the past and to be honest I am still quite angry with her. My major fear though is being let down which seems to happen on a regular basis. I have also let people get very close to me before only to be betrayed and on one occasion put in very serious danger as a result. Finally on the rare occasion I have asked for support I have been told no or people are just not interested, believe it or not sometimes all I have needed was a simple hug. Now don’t get me wrong there has been the very rare person who has given me some support and I do have a great therapist. As a result of this I have coped with and dealt with everything virtually on my own, admittedly not always in the most socially acceptable ways.

What you read in this blog is about as close as I am prepared to let anyone get to my personal pain, even then it is on the basis that you decide if you read my posts or respond. Anything else happens in the privacy of my own home so I can deal with it in my own way. I am now going to do something completely different and say openly there is a problem, something that I haven’t got a clue how to deal with. It is part of my personal pain and no I have never discussed it with anyone. I won’t be persuaded or forced to talk about it until I am ready as it is very destructive. After coming so far I have no intention of taking a massive step back because of one part of one part of my life.

At the moment and until I have made those decisions I shall continue as normal. Publicly as normal I shall be pushing forward with my life, making serious changes and hiding everything else including the fight that I am having at the moment with myself. Everything else will be dealt with in the privacy of my own home. I am accepting things as they happen and may not even tweet about it on the anniversaries.