The world

The world is a beautiful place, no seriously it is! Not just landscape but the people, food, music, accents and languages. The list goes on and on. Don't worry I am not on drugs or looking through rose tinted glasses. We have all seen some of this beauty at some point in our lives, I know I have. It can be as simple as a smile from a stranger to as complex as life itself. We all know it and we all appreciate it as it can improve our day, week, month or year in some cases.

During the anniversaries this world turns dark and cold, a place where there isn't anything good in it. In a planet full of life and people I feel completely alone, bitter and maybe even resentful. All I see is that the warmth, protection and light that was taken away from me and I hate the world for it. I want to be surrounded by people but can't because I am completely isolated. The pain I carry changes to something that I can focus on the world. Like an extremely fragile piece of art work this can be broken but I have yet to find someone prepared to to take that step. Therefore I use what I have to get through a day where beauty was bought into my world, perfection was achieved and then my world, my newly found world was cruely taken away from me.

I shall of course try to function as close to normal as I can on those days. The vast majority of people won't see my personal pain or the hell that this planet has turned into. I shall try and celebrate their lives and make sure I mark my daughters birthdays as one should. Having to go to the shops and buy what I need for their birthdays will as usual tear me apart and bring on a tsunami of emotion and pain. Especially when I think I should be buying them presents and preparing for their birthday parties. I can't put into words just how hard it is watching others do precisely that whilst thinking "I should be doing that"

They say time heals, well I am afraid to say in certain cases it doesn't! Time has made it easier for me to find ways of coping so when the anniversaries do come around I actually do something to show my family and the world how I feel rather than spening the day in tears curled up under my duvet or inflicting damage upon myself.

Michael xx