Change

I feel I need to do a slightly unusual blog post for me today. It is partly a big myself up post but also partly I feel like I need to show the world how much I have changed and how strong I really am.

I have partly tried this before and it didn’t work, perhaps because I wasn’t strong enough but I think the reality is that I am now in a completely different place in my life. It is partly about acceptance, partly about embracing the bad as well as the good, proactively dealing with issues as they arrive and finally only fighting the battles that I have a chance of winning. Although the first few months of the year have been hard I still believe that my approach has made them easier to deal with than they would have been previously. I am also a firm believer that if you want change in your life then you have to be the one to make it happen. No one is going to do it for you, this is particularly true in my case with the limited support I have in my life.

Reading my previous posts you will see that this time of the year is especially hard for me. When I get it wrong it can take large amounts of time and money to clear up the aftermath. Now I could very easily go to the doctor and be put on medication which would help with the flashbacks, the urges to harm and the very mixed emotions. I could also spend every evening drinking which would also have a similar effect. I could also run away and spend the next couple of weeks in a different city. I won’t though, what I will do is accept and embrace what is going on. I will be using this blog to express myself in the knowledge that it helps and that no one is forced to read it, I will also be using the support I have to deal with the particularly difficult parts. I know that in a couple of weeks after the anniversary things will calm down, the flashbacks will ease and the vast majority of people won’t know about or see my pain. I have managed to keep 99% of what is going on away from people who will and do judge me. I also have some very very powerful methods to control things if I do have a major wobble.

I am starting to get to know more people. I still have a love hate relationship with the city I live in but this is improving. Yes I get very strong urges to go back to Nottingham but I have no immediate plans to move back there. I am still reinforcing the links I have with Ireland and plan to visit the moment I can afford it. Within my faith I have been able to get to a point where I am able to be at peace, fully focused and able to practice at the level that I need to. I am in a position where I can show the world more of who I am and where I want to be in life. I am openly fighting for the causes that I believe in and not trying to please everyone.

Things are still changing so please bear with me.