Yesterday I wasn't very nice to myself and whilst the injury was minor, the reaction I had to it was the worst for a very long time. No, with the exception of last March it was the worst reaction ever. It was completely different and obviously something I will be dealing with it fairly rapidly due to how much it has alarmed me.
I am going to spend the next few days being exceptionally nice to myself.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Hardcore
There is one thing that very few people know about me. I hate drawing attention to myself! really hate it if I am being honest. I am the sort of person who will quite happily work in the shadows and let others take credit for things. If you ask me how I am then 99 times out of 100 I am going to say fine or give you a similar answer.
Outwardly the vast majority of the time I am great, inside however I can be a complete mess. It doesn't mean that I am lying to you, it just means that I don't want to burden you with my problems. A similar answer from me in this situation normally ends with more importantly how are you?
I have a huge amount of pain inside of me and it is particularly bad on the run up to 8th March each year. Outwardly I function like everyone else but inside I am literally tearing myself apart. I have tried everything that I can think of to try and take away the hurt and replace it with a pain that I can understand or cope with. Self harm is just a part of what I have done to myself or got others to do to me, obviously there was last years suicide attempt. All of them have failed and I have been relying on them for a few years now.
I am now going to face it directly without using my usual ways of coping with what is going on in my life. It fucking hurts in ways that I could never imagine but I have to do this. I know that once I get through this I will be a stronger person. There may be blips with the self harming but the dangerous stuff has to stop. I may have a very low opinion of myself but I have no desire to kill myself or end up seriously injured. I think and hope the world is a better place with me in it.
Obviously on the 8th of March I am will be doing things for my family. I haven't decided how or what I will be doing yet but it will be a very personal act.
Outwardly the vast majority of the time I am great, inside however I can be a complete mess. It doesn't mean that I am lying to you, it just means that I don't want to burden you with my problems. A similar answer from me in this situation normally ends with more importantly how are you?
I have a huge amount of pain inside of me and it is particularly bad on the run up to 8th March each year. Outwardly I function like everyone else but inside I am literally tearing myself apart. I have tried everything that I can think of to try and take away the hurt and replace it with a pain that I can understand or cope with. Self harm is just a part of what I have done to myself or got others to do to me, obviously there was last years suicide attempt. All of them have failed and I have been relying on them for a few years now.
I am now going to face it directly without using my usual ways of coping with what is going on in my life. It fucking hurts in ways that I could never imagine but I have to do this. I know that once I get through this I will be a stronger person. There may be blips with the self harming but the dangerous stuff has to stop. I may have a very low opinion of myself but I have no desire to kill myself or end up seriously injured. I think and hope the world is a better place with me in it.
Obviously on the 8th of March I am will be doing things for my family. I haven't decided how or what I will be doing yet but it will be a very personal act.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
£10
I am having one of those days today and was thinking about what I used to be able to do for £10. There was a time that I could have a go into the city have a something to eat, go to the cinema and still have enough money for a treat to take home. Now I wouldn't be able to do the same for less than £20.
For that same £10 I have fed myself for a week on more than numerous occasions in my life. I still can and do quite frequently. Amazing isn't it?
For that same £10 I have fed myself for a week on more than numerous occasions in my life. I still can and do quite frequently. Amazing isn't it?
Friday, 22 January 2010
Valentines day
Has valentines day become completley commercialised? Without a doubt yes and I am sure companies start rubbing their hands every time we get close to valentines day. I have to be honest and say if you need valentines day to show how you feel about someone then there is something deffinetly wrong.
I am not afraid to say that I have never received a valentines card. For me I use valentines day to do something very personal to show how I feel for my other half. My favourtite is a hamper full of her favourite treats in it. Why follow the heard in sending roses or a card when there are a million other things you can do? Actions speak louder than words and yes I do tend to take the lead in being romantic. I try and do something romantic atleast once a week to make her feel special.
I am not afraid to say that I have never received a valentines card. For me I use valentines day to do something very personal to show how I feel for my other half. My favourtite is a hamper full of her favourite treats in it. Why follow the heard in sending roses or a card when there are a million other things you can do? Actions speak louder than words and yes I do tend to take the lead in being romantic. I try and do something romantic atleast once a week to make her feel special.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Hot Chocolate
I think I might actually have a bit of a hot chocolate obsession. It is an obsession to the point that I have bought a top of the range milk pan, whisk and have a specific mug for it. I will only use chocolate from Butlers in Ireland. I have spent around £70 on equipment before importing the chocolate from Ireland.
I could have 3 large hot chocolates a week from starbucks for around 2 months for the same amount of money. Is spending all of that money for hot chocolate worth it? Yes!
Is there anyone more obsessed with hot chocolate out there?
I could have 3 large hot chocolates a week from starbucks for around 2 months for the same amount of money. Is spending all of that money for hot chocolate worth it? Yes!
Is there anyone more obsessed with hot chocolate out there?
Replacing the hurt.
I consider myself an itelligent person, the last time I checked my IQ was around 115. I am normally able to get my head round most things that happen regardless of how bizzare or unusual they may be. The one exception is the death of my daughters, I just can't get my head around it or the massive amount of pain that happened afterwards and still affects me.
Mental pain is completley different from physical pain, a times it can be worse than physical pain at times. I am only working on a theory with this but I have been trying to find a pain that could replace the hurt of loosing my daughters. Self harming has been one thing I have used. This may sound odd when I tried to kill myself it didn't hurt at all, I felt no pain at all.
I have used other things like sex. Something that I get very little from unless I am doing some quite extreme stuff with people I really trust. I have taken risks and pushed boundaries to the point where I can say you name it, I have done it. Still I can't get to that point where the pain or what I do gives me the release I need.
Today I ate a packet of sweets that had gelatine in them. They were Percy Pigs from Marks and Spencer. Nothing unusual about that you say. True, however I am a strict vegetarian and normally anything with gelatine in it would be last thing I would consider eating. Today I don't care, they remind me of a good point in my life. It is a connection that gives me temporary relief when things get bad.
Yes I am missing my family and it is quite intense at the moment.
Mental pain is completley different from physical pain, a times it can be worse than physical pain at times. I am only working on a theory with this but I have been trying to find a pain that could replace the hurt of loosing my daughters. Self harming has been one thing I have used. This may sound odd when I tried to kill myself it didn't hurt at all, I felt no pain at all.
I have used other things like sex. Something that I get very little from unless I am doing some quite extreme stuff with people I really trust. I have taken risks and pushed boundaries to the point where I can say you name it, I have done it. Still I can't get to that point where the pain or what I do gives me the release I need.
Today I ate a packet of sweets that had gelatine in them. They were Percy Pigs from Marks and Spencer. Nothing unusual about that you say. True, however I am a strict vegetarian and normally anything with gelatine in it would be last thing I would consider eating. Today I don't care, they remind me of a good point in my life. It is a connection that gives me temporary relief when things get bad.
Yes I am missing my family and it is quite intense at the moment.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Security
Tonight I want to talk about a point in my life that still hangs over me today. It was the point that I was completely alone and had lost virtually everything. Things had got so bad for me that I call it my beyond crisis situation. Rejected by my parents, hiding the situation from the love of my life and homeless. Things were so bad that I chosen the place that I was going to sleep at night. All of my possessions were in one suitcase.
I managed to find somewhere to live in 7 days and moved in 10 minutes after viewing the room. My landlord had to life my suitcase up the stairs to my bedroom. Over the next week or so I had to sell all of my belongings that hadn't been damaged to be able to live. I sold possessions worth hundreds for a matter of pounds. I spent days surviving on porridge made with water and nothing else. What was damage was either thrown away or left in a pile in my bedroom.
I was left with nothing and it has taken me over 4 years to replace everything I lost and get back to a position in life where I am comfortable again. The problem is that I may be comfortable but I am far from what you would call secure. Even after this period of time I still have an escape plan. If I buy any luxuries it can take me months before I use them. I value what little I have in life more than ever.
I managed to find somewhere to live in 7 days and moved in 10 minutes after viewing the room. My landlord had to life my suitcase up the stairs to my bedroom. Over the next week or so I had to sell all of my belongings that hadn't been damaged to be able to live. I sold possessions worth hundreds for a matter of pounds. I spent days surviving on porridge made with water and nothing else. What was damage was either thrown away or left in a pile in my bedroom.
I was left with nothing and it has taken me over 4 years to replace everything I lost and get back to a position in life where I am comfortable again. The problem is that I may be comfortable but I am far from what you would call secure. Even after this period of time I still have an escape plan. If I buy any luxuries it can take me months before I use them. I value what little I have in life more than ever.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Payday loans
I just typed in payday loans into my search engine and got 915000 results. Admittedly some of them are going to be several results for the same website and a there is going to be a huge amount of irrelivant results. It does show one thing though there is a thriving trade in payday loans even though we are in the middle of recession.
What is a payday loan? It is where a company lends you a fixed amount of money for a short period of time, normally upto 30 days. You then pay the amount back plus charges which can be around £25 per £100 borrowed. The money is taken via your debit card or your cheque being cashed.
The first thing I found was how incredibly easy it was to apply for one and was approved in a matter of seconds. After signing my agreement online the money was in my account in a couple of days. I got a reminder before my payday telling me I could defer the loan or would be allowed an increased limit for my next loan. I would also get a call on my mobile and landline followed by a text. Once I paid the money off I would get more e mails inviting me to borrow more. If a person deffered a £100 loan every month for 12 months they would pay £300 in interest alone.
They are great for people who need a short term one off loan to pay a bill and have a regular income. For those on low incomes or in financial difficulties it can be a trap that is very difficult to get out of. £50 can soon escalate to £500 including interest, it did for me. There have been numerous reports of people in similar situations or worse. In my case I got to a point where I was in a position to pay the debt off. I can't calculate how much interest I paid but it was in the hundreds.
What is a payday loan? It is where a company lends you a fixed amount of money for a short period of time, normally upto 30 days. You then pay the amount back plus charges which can be around £25 per £100 borrowed. The money is taken via your debit card or your cheque being cashed.
The first thing I found was how incredibly easy it was to apply for one and was approved in a matter of seconds. After signing my agreement online the money was in my account in a couple of days. I got a reminder before my payday telling me I could defer the loan or would be allowed an increased limit for my next loan. I would also get a call on my mobile and landline followed by a text. Once I paid the money off I would get more e mails inviting me to borrow more. If a person deffered a £100 loan every month for 12 months they would pay £300 in interest alone.
They are great for people who need a short term one off loan to pay a bill and have a regular income. For those on low incomes or in financial difficulties it can be a trap that is very difficult to get out of. £50 can soon escalate to £500 including interest, it did for me. There have been numerous reports of people in similar situations or worse. In my case I got to a point where I was in a position to pay the debt off. I can't calculate how much interest I paid but it was in the hundreds.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Addiction
I am going to make a statement now which some of you may agree with, others may not and I wouldn't be surprised if a few of you are annoyed by it. Self Harming is addictive, at one point I would have denied it but it is true. I am not talking about suicide attempts as the intent is different.
At one point the moment the urges started I would cut, burn or bruise myself. I would say that at this point I was probably self harming and getting the release 3 or more times a day. The way it goes for me is or was should I say. I get the urges, I self harm, I get the release I need, my mood crashes and the cycle continues. This is the addiction!
Below are some of my distraction methods that I tend to use when things get bad with the urges.
At one point the moment the urges started I would cut, burn or bruise myself. I would say that at this point I was probably self harming and getting the release 3 or more times a day. The way it goes for me is or was should I say. I get the urges, I self harm, I get the release I need, my mood crashes and the cycle continues. This is the addiction!
Below are some of my distraction methods that I tend to use when things get bad with the urges.
- Ignoring the urges
- Deciding you are going to self harm and mentally planning it (unusual but works)
- Listening to music (Jazz seems to work for me)
- Going for a fast walk/run or excercise
- Sex
- Talking about it, being honest about the cause.
- Reading, writing, drawing
- Hot chocolate
- Damage limitation
My year has started taking a bit of a nose dive with sickness, the previous injuries being a mare, splitting up with my other half and my therapy sessions turning into a complete train wreck. I am now danerously close to using damage limitation.
Damage limitation is a bit risk as it can fail, cause injuries and ultimatley make matters worse. In my case it maybe the only option. There is no point being referred for further medical treatment on my arm if I am still damaging it.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Musings
Still in a bit of a mood about my hand and arm. After 9 months I still haven't regained full use and strength back in it. Spent most of yesterday kicking myself really hard about it, today I am still being harsh over it. My Doctor was rather frustrated over it and the lack of appointment from the physio. I suppose it is one of those things with the NHS, if I could afford it I would go private and get an appointment mega quickly.
Last night I had a conversation about pans on Twitter and it made me think just how much I have changed. I must add I really need to get more of a social life and in Norwich a social life appears to be going out, getting very drunk and going to some club. Having been to some of them I can safely say that they are not my sort of clubs. There are times I miss going out in Nottingham. Anyway back to the point, 10 years ago I wouldn't have even thought about buying anything for a house and a conversation about it would have sounded silly. Now it makes my day when I can afford to buy something decent for the house.
Fucking cold isn't it? We seem to be in the midst of a really harsh bout of cold with many inches of snow. Yup we are officially in a crisis with central Government saying one thing, local Government saying the opposite and no one believing a word of what anyone is saying. If we aren't running out of grit then why are councils being told to ration it? Someone needs to get a grip on this and sort it out. Other countries manage to cope, yet we fail miserably!
We are on the final Celebrity Big Brother! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay they have been flogging this dead horse for years now and finally they are going to put us out of our misery. With only one more series of Big Brother the controllers at channel 4 must be shitting themselves as they don't seem to have anything to fill the gap. No, having 4 or 5 episodes of the same programme in one evening does not count as entertainment, it reeks of desperation.
Last night I had a conversation about pans on Twitter and it made me think just how much I have changed. I must add I really need to get more of a social life and in Norwich a social life appears to be going out, getting very drunk and going to some club. Having been to some of them I can safely say that they are not my sort of clubs. There are times I miss going out in Nottingham. Anyway back to the point, 10 years ago I wouldn't have even thought about buying anything for a house and a conversation about it would have sounded silly. Now it makes my day when I can afford to buy something decent for the house.
Fucking cold isn't it? We seem to be in the midst of a really harsh bout of cold with many inches of snow. Yup we are officially in a crisis with central Government saying one thing, local Government saying the opposite and no one believing a word of what anyone is saying. If we aren't running out of grit then why are councils being told to ration it? Someone needs to get a grip on this and sort it out. Other countries manage to cope, yet we fail miserably!
We are on the final Celebrity Big Brother! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay they have been flogging this dead horse for years now and finally they are going to put us out of our misery. With only one more series of Big Brother the controllers at channel 4 must be shitting themselves as they don't seem to have anything to fill the gap. No, having 4 or 5 episodes of the same programme in one evening does not count as entertainment, it reeks of desperation.
Friday, 8 January 2010
Twitter Awards
There seems to be numerous Twitter awards from various different organisations. I have decided to do my own twitter awards. I am sorry there isn't any prizes or awards ceromny but you do have my respect and everyone should follow you. These people make my twitter world a great place to be.
The first has to be @Sharon_Corr we all know she is a celebrity but unlike most she has replied to virtually all of my tweets. I love her music and it made my year when she followed me back and started replying to my tweets.
@MrsStephenFry who is a twitter celebrity, her tweets have improved my day on numerous occasions. A tweet from her can improve your cause or profile on twitter.
@NikkiG1st before following her my Twitter experience was limited. She is drastically improved it and I look forward to tweeting her.
@dreadw is one of the most kind and caring ladies I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She deserves so much in life.
@TrillianEG42 another kind and caring lady who I look forward to tweeting.
@Leonikibbey Intelligent tweets aplenty. A very talented lady.
There are numerous other people who are worth a mention and they are all on my list called @TheRoyalDragon/followthesepeople
The first has to be @Sharon_Corr we all know she is a celebrity but unlike most she has replied to virtually all of my tweets. I love her music and it made my year when she followed me back and started replying to my tweets.
@MrsStephenFry who is a twitter celebrity, her tweets have improved my day on numerous occasions. A tweet from her can improve your cause or profile on twitter.
@NikkiG1st before following her my Twitter experience was limited. She is drastically improved it and I look forward to tweeting her.
@dreadw is one of the most kind and caring ladies I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She deserves so much in life.
@TrillianEG42 another kind and caring lady who I look forward to tweeting.
@Leonikibbey Intelligent tweets aplenty. A very talented lady.
There are numerous other people who are worth a mention and they are all on my list called @TheRoyalDragon/followthesepeople
Monday, 4 January 2010
Bitter
I have to admit today I am not in the best of moods, I am feeling rather bitter about the world and fighting my urges to self harm is making things worse. I know it will pass and I will be back to rocking with the world shortly. I am sure you know what it is like when you are in a mood, there are times that people can't help but make matters worse.
Yup this blog is going to be a rant and it is going to be directed at those pushy people employed by charities to stop you in the streets and try to get you to sign up for a monthly direct debit donation to them. I hate them, yes I know they have a job to do but if I acted the way some of them do in my job I would be sacked.
Today one of them tried to stop me in the street and got a polite but firm no from me. He then tried to persuade me to stop and went to get hold of my arm. In the end I told him to fuck off! Had he continued then I would have really got nasty with him. I hate being stopped in the street by people wanting to sell things or get me to sign up for anything, I accept this is going to happen but there is a limit. I have a right to walk down a street without being hassled or harassed by people.
I have decided that as of now any charity that uses staff like this will not get any support of me.
Yup this blog is going to be a rant and it is going to be directed at those pushy people employed by charities to stop you in the streets and try to get you to sign up for a monthly direct debit donation to them. I hate them, yes I know they have a job to do but if I acted the way some of them do in my job I would be sacked.
Today one of them tried to stop me in the street and got a polite but firm no from me. He then tried to persuade me to stop and went to get hold of my arm. In the end I told him to fuck off! Had he continued then I would have really got nasty with him. I hate being stopped in the street by people wanting to sell things or get me to sign up for anything, I accept this is going to happen but there is a limit. I have a right to walk down a street without being hassled or harassed by people.
I have decided that as of now any charity that uses staff like this will not get any support of me.
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