Hardcore

There is one thing that very few people know about me. I hate drawing attention to myself! really hate it if I am being honest. I am the sort of person who will quite happily work in the shadows and let others take credit for things. If you ask me how I am then 99 times out of 100 I am going to say fine or give you a similar answer.

Outwardly the vast majority of the time I am great, inside however I can be a complete mess. It doesn't mean that I am lying to you, it just means that I don't want to burden you with my problems. A similar answer from me in this situation normally ends with more importantly how are you?

I have a huge amount of pain inside of me and it is particularly bad on the run up to 8th March each year. Outwardly I function like everyone else but inside I am literally tearing myself apart. I have tried everything that I can think of to try and take away the hurt and replace it with a pain that I can understand or cope with. Self harm is just a part of what I have done to myself or got others to do to me, obviously there was last years suicide attempt. All of them have failed and I have been relying on them for a few years now.

I am now going to face it directly without using my usual ways of coping with what is going on in my life. It fucking hurts in ways that I could never imagine but I have to do this. I know that once I get through this I will be a stronger person. There may be blips with the self harming but the dangerous stuff has to stop. I may have a very low opinion of myself but I have no desire to kill myself or end up seriously injured. I think and hope the world is a better place with me in it.

Obviously on the 8th of March I am will be doing things for my family. I haven't decided how or what I will be doing yet but it will be a very personal act.