It was a biggie

You know it was a biggie when I use my blog to write about it. It had been a while in the coming and it at stupid o'clock on Saturday morning. When I say hit I mean it was like being it with a freight train, not the flashback which was to put it bluntly was fucking awful but my body's reaction to it. 

We have certain indicators when we are stressed, very stressed and seriously stressed. Mine hit all at once with as much severity as they could muster. My throat was the first to go which felt like I was slowly being stabbed with a red hot knife. The next day my stomach kicked off to the point it became difficult to do anything, all my energy went and I had to give up with my usual Saturday trip to the city. 

After getting home my anger boiled over resulting in a box being killed.  In the past I have ended up killing expensive handmade cushions  but at £60 a throw it gets a tad inconvenient when jobless plus the major fact that I like the cushion I have now. The box of paper was going in the bin anyway so no harm done. 

Now I end up mentally and physically exhausted whilst feeling really ill. 24 hours later and I am still feeling really dodgy from it. I can't tell anyone how I really feel as I can't talk about the flashback and at the end of the day I don't want to burden anyone with something that is my problem. So again I am lying through my teeth to protect others.

I am hoping one day I may be able to seek forgiveness until then I hope people understand. I haven't got time to be ill as I need to get a new job and my life back on track. I am 90% certain that being out of work has contributed to this, it certainly is contributing to how long it is taking me to get over it. Then again it has been less than 48 hours so I could be being exceptionally hard on myself as per usual, not sure if I care at this precise moment.

Much love to all those who deserve it.