How to ruin a perfectly decent mood.

I wish I could make people understand just how difficult certain things are for me.  This isn't about confidence this is about actual self worth, something for me that has been obliterated beyond all recognition.  I have a tiny amount of self worth which I manage to display in March when I went to London and finally managed to treat myself properly.

Today I had another full on flashback before going to work. Unusually this time I was taken back to the point that I was holding my eldest daughter in my arms. A moment that I fully treasure and as it did today normally ends up with me bursting with pride to the point that I could cry.  It makes a refreshing change from the normal horrors that I have to deal with. Most of which have been coming back over the last few weeks to have yet another go. Exhausted is an understatement. 

Riding on this absolute pride I decided to deal with quite a delicate subject for me which is my upcoming birthday.  It is also the quickest was to destroy a perfectly decent mood.  I am going to a show in London the day after my birthday and knowing that I tend to be comprehensively ignored by the entire planet on my birthday and Christmas I decided that I would go to London on my birthday (it is a very long story which I won't be boring you with but to say I don't deserve the way I am treated, naturally which I am told is entirely my fault. Most things are don't you know)

As soon as I make this decision my brain kicks off. I am not allowed to do things like that. I am not allowed to treat myself and I am certainly not entitled to celebrate my birthday. Someone as utterly lowly as me doesn't deserve anything.  I am a no body who certainly shouldn't be going above my station and get myself noticed by doing something for myself. (There are a few people who would be delighted to read this.)  I haven't got a family to celebrate it with anyway. I forced myself to book the hotel at the cost of a perfectly decent mood. It is the price I have to pay for being me and my past actions. I would say woe is me but that would end up with me being vicious.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I may even delete it shortly, who knows?