The last major one I had was in fact just over a couple of weeks ago and I am still clearing up the mess from it. Inside it quite literally wrecks me, there is the external damage which the vast majority of the time can be covered up.
I am not going to discuss the actual flashback as I can't but want to show you what surrounds it. So the Thursday morning after a seriously bad nights sleep I wake up in an odd mood. I get up and walk into the city where things really kick off. At this point I am so wound up that I could quite easily hurt someone. This is an adrenaline pumping, fully focused rage that is being made worse by the images and actions that I can see. I am having to use a huge amount energy to stop myself flying off the handle. It doesn't get much better after getting to work and I have to let a manager know there is a problem. Trying to do your job, hide what is going on from people and control the waves of anger is creating more problems. I kid you not when I tell you that at one point I was on the phone doing my job whilst trying to control the urge to punch someone. Later on in the day things got even worse and I left work. After getting home I finally lost it and wrecked a cushion which is not something I am proud of and hardly my finest point. I couldn't control the anger. At this point I now am ashamed of myself for leaving work early, ashamed of myself for not being able to control the flashback and the small matter of a wrecked cushion to deal with. A couple of days later I then let rip at myself resulting in a exceptionally sore arm.
Now the event has gone back into the deep dark depths of my mind until it is triggered off again or possibly I am finally allowed to talk about it and deal with it. I am going to have a cushion made to replace the ruined one and my arm has healed.
The one thing I have been struggling with is the emotions. For a few days afterwards and until I had a go at myself my perceptions were completely off. I feel like a failure, my inner security has gone through the floor again which hasn't helped with my confidence. I am also having periods of time where I feel completely on my own in the world. To make matters worse I seem to get the balance restored and then the slightest little thing seems to kick it off. It is one particular place that I seem to be more vulnerable in, although the event that kicked this all off didn't happen there. (similar events yes but not quite on the scale of that one). I also feel like a complete shit because of what has happened.
I am hoping those around me will forgive me and understand that I am doing everything possible to get back to my slightly silly self. In writing this I am hoping people will understand that this was bad, very very bad even by my standards.
I am taking a massive risk by posting this, I hope I am not proven wrong.
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