Angry

I have been thinking about if I should post this for a few days now, my frustration has been brewing up now and is at boiling point. I am angry, sorry make that really angry. I always thought that there would come a point where I would see myself as being fixed. Normal as in what society defines as normal anyway.

I have been through a huge amount over the last few years, most of it I haven't talked about and some of it I will never talk about. Some of the images I have in my mind are completely fucked up, images that I am going to have for the rest of my life. The images of my daughters dying in my arms I can cope with, it is the rest that are the really fucked up ones.

Now I accepted that there were and are going to be a fair number of people who are going to get away with what they have done to me. I accepted that I was going to carry a few mental and physical scars with my for the rest of my life. I did this on the basis that I would get to a point where I could live a socially defined "normal" life even with my rebellious and independent streak.

I went to my doctors the other day and it looks like I have PTSD, I am certainly suffering from hyper vigilance. I am going to end up on medication and the therapy I am having is going to continue indefinitely. I am going to have to make adjustment as the symptoms never fully go away. I have spent a huge amount of money on getting to this point on the basis that I would make a full recovery. I would get to the point where I would live a full life on my terms. This now doesn't appear to be the case, have I failed? It would appear so.

I don't want to be 80% or 90% recovered I want to be fully recovered. I want to be able to look back and say yes that was bad but I got passed it. I recovered and proved everyone wrong, those who have done so much to me didn't win. Do I continue fighting or do I give up and hope for the best?

Forgive my rambling today.

xx