Crying Inside

I think that is the best way to describe what is happening inside of me at the moment, not because I am feeling down or depressed but because of all of the abuse my body takes. A persons body will always respond to the environment or forces that impact on it in one way or another, think pleasure or pain. You push your body to far and it will howl in protest, normally through pain or it will switch off and you collapse.

A person who is abused may crawl into a corner and cry quietly to try and comfort themselves, they may hug a cushion or themselves. The one thing they know is that their abuser is going to ignore them. That is precisely what is happening to me now and I get this reaction every single time I hurt myself. I can cope with the pain and the release, I get round the mood crashes after I have hurt myself but this is something I can't really ignore.

I am such a perfectionist that I have spent a considerable amount of time choosing the perfect blade for me to cut with. My immediate reaction when someone made a joke comment the other day to me was I want to cut. This means I am now back at a dangerous place especially the way things are escalating. The reaction I get from my body is a hundred times worse than when I burn or do other things to myself. This means I am back at a rather dangerous point in my recovery. I didn't realise I had got back to this point until my therapist told me.

There is a part of me that wants to quietly go home and implode in a similar way to what I did in March 2009. I am not suicidal and have been making plans for the rest of the year and next year but that part of me wants to do a huge amount to show the world what is going on. Yes I miss my family and yes I want to be with them but that doesn't make me suicidal.

I think we can all agree that self harming isn't an attractive trait in anyone let alone me. Peoples reactions are normally very negative and I have lost allot of friends in the time I have been harming myself, some of them I still regret loosing. A huge amount of things have gone on this year and to be honest I have to hold my hand up and say I am at a bit of a loss as to what else I can do to finally stop this once and for all.