Reflection

It is always a dangerous thing when I start to reflect on my life, the ups, the down, the good points and the bad points and do you know what I think there has been a subtle but significant change in my expectations from life. It is starting to have a fair old impact on my life now and what I want. I think it is a trait of most people that they dream and want more in life, whether it be a bigger house, better car or more money. I like everyone else am the same but have spent the vast majority of my life accepting and making the best of what I had.

I have posted that I have previously been in a position where I lost just about everything I owned and been through many years where my life where everything I did was dictated by the debts I had built up. I have also had stages in my life where bullying and abuse was the norm rather than a rarity. As you will read later on I still have to put up with situations where my treatment is wrong and not justified. As a result of all of this I go through stages where I genuinely believe that I don't deserve anything in life and that I am beneath everyone. It can widely vary and I have started to try and fight against this and get a bit more self respect in my life.

I am not afraid to admit I have very serious difficulty in using any luxury items that I buy and have the few that I have bought have remained unused. There are several reasons why, partly because things like Irish Linen is meant to be shared. The real reason is that I don't want to be in a position where I have nothing in my life again, I don't feel that I deserve to use them and feel more secure with them stored in my bedroom. Yes even that copper pan I was so proud off.

I hate to admit this but there are times and places where I really feel hated by everyone, I may give out the impression to people that this doesn't bother me but it does hurt me. You may think that this is just my insecurity showing through but unfortunately this is based on what people say to me and listening to what others say about me. As a reasonable person I know that I am not going to get on with everyone, there are going to be times where I am not very popular and that some people are going to dislike or hate me. Life would be very boring otherwise but to be given the impression that I am disliked by everyone is just wrong and not to tell me what I have done to deserve this sort of treatment is even worse. One of the best of many examples would be an event I went to where things got so bad that I considered walking out. The highlight of this event was listening to a so called friend refer to me as a "nobody" I am now very reluctant to attend those events again and have not renewed my membership with that Organisation.

With all of this you would be quite right to ask how have things changed in my life? Well to put it simply I want more out of life and am not prepared to accept things as I would have done in the past. I am trying to express this more and fight a bit harder for what I want and believe in. It frustrates and annoys me that people are so short sighted and wish people would look past what I am wearing and my self harming and see the real me. I have ended friendships and removed people from networking sites for upsetting me or making comments where previously I would have accepted it on the basis of at least we are friends. I push more now to be treated better by people and companies rather than backing down at the first sight of resistance.