The other night I had what can only be described as an awesome dream that seemed to go on for hours. I was back in a time where I was living in my home city, in a house that I loved, in a job that was fantastic and I was surrounded by great friends and near the lady that I loved with all of my heart. I felt happy, contented and at peace which is something that I haven't felt for a very long time. Life was great, no life was amazing. I then woke up and was bought down to earth with an almighty bang.
I didn't just wobble after that, my mind decided it was time for a mini meltdown. Reality didn't just suck, it hurt in an obscene way. The flood gates open and I am not afraid to say that at one point I was fighting the urges to do some very serious things to myself. I was questioning reality and my mind was going at the speed of light. I was completely exhausted having to function normally when my mind had gone bang. It took a massive amount of energy but I managed with some help to get things back under control.
I am in a stronger place than I have been for a very long time and this may sound surprising but this mini meltdown may just have helped me in a really positive way. Some memories have come back that aren't bad, they are fantastic memories. Things that shouldn't have been pushed behind all the nasty stuff. Some of them a far to obscene to publish on here but they have helped me get a bit more focus back.
I am going back to Nottingham next week for the first time in over a year. I hope to see my natural mother and get some documents off her and maybe take another step to be reconciled with her. I will be seeing my dad briefly for a coffee but the rest of the time I will be making peace with what essentially is a great city. I am to go back at least once a month not just to see my parents but to see if I can relight a flame that I once had.
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