If you can't take me at my worst then you certainly don't deserve me at my very best. It is one of those quotes that are spot on in every way. If you are the sort of person who only wants to know me at my very best then I am afraid you are not the sort of person I want or need in my life.
If you want to know what I am like at my worst then flashbacks and self harming are a daily occurrence. I genuinely believe that the fact I am still breathing after my suicide attempt a complete failure. The thing is that when I am at my very worst 99.99% of people won’t see it. I have become very skilled at covering it up.
At my very best I am a passionate, focused, very loyal and driven. I am not the sort of person who spends his time in the lime light. I don’t need that sort of thing but even with my many faults I can always be relied on when it counts.
This brings me nicely onto the reason I have written todays blog, I really struggle to let people close to me and I struggle to tell people when there is a problem. There is a problem and I am hoping by writing this everyone will start to understand me and give me some support. Yes I am asking for support on something that is really delicate and makes me feel very threatened.
It the past some very bad things have happened which have shaped my opinions and views. I am straight, I love women in fact. I don’t have any issues with anyone who is gay, bi, trans gender or curious, the fact is I am not. I am comfortable with my sexuality. What has happened to me in the past repulses me and the thought of any man doing anything beyond giving me a hug quite frankly disgusts me as it isn’t who I am. It also makes me feel very threatened. In the past I have had people think that if they did things to me they would show me that men are not threatening. They think that perhaps it would cure me. They have got quite forceful over the issue with me. This had made matters worse and caused me more problems. I am no longer afraid to go to the police if someone forces me to do things against my will, I am also very open and honest with my therapist. Only recently have I been able to give another man a hug without having flashbacks and the urges to hurt myself. I am currently feeling threatened in my own home writing this.
I know that people get very frustrated with me when I don’t open up, tell people what is going on or that I don’t go out as often as I should. There are times that I want to go out and get paralytic, sit in the gutter and look up at the world but at the moment that isn’t going to happen. I prefer chilled out clubs when I can enjoy a drink, a good old flirt and listen to some great music.
Please bear with me as hopefully very soon everyone will be able to see the real me. The mad, funny, passionate, loyal, caring person. I will be at my very best.
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