I have been working with my therapist to get my self harming back under control and me back on track. I have been struggling a huge amount and I think if you read my entries for the last month you will see this as well. One thing about me is 99.99% of the time I am not prepared to sit back and do nothing about it.
I put a massive amount of pressure to get through the anniversary and March without anything bad happening. I started building the pressure at the start of March and kicked myself hard for any minor error. Rather going with the flow I dictated what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. It worked but the consequences of that is what has been happening. We know that when things get really bad or stressful my first instinct is to do damage to cope. Rather than forcing it I should have let things happen. Most blips are over fairly quickly for me.
Work has been really stressful over the last few weeks, more than usual if I am being honest. Without a doubt this has aggravated the situation and caused quite a bit of damage. I have got a fair bit of work to get my thoughts around work sorted. However now things have started it should get easier for me.
We all have bad days and stressful days but I am going to try and be more open with everyone if I am having a bad day which is likely to end up in damage. I have a fixed process that I go through to prevent any damage happening but letting people know what is going on will make life easier.
Onto the positive stuff
It has been 4 days since I last burn't myself which is good
I was thinking about my daughters on Monday and all I felt was warmth and love rather than the usual raw pain and grief. Again this is a good sign.
A very unexpected craving for a decent glass of white wine.
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