Lost my voice again.

Just an advance warning my post may trigger, if you are feeling delicate or are sensitive to subjects that cover abuse then please don't continue reading this. You have been warned!




I had another episode of my voice going again last week, apart from a mildly sore throat my voice is now fully back. This is obviously a good thing bearing in mind last year I lost it for 5 months which mean't some fairly serious time off work. A repeat of that would have been devastating for me in terms of progressing forward with my life, mentally and financially. Financially I would be screwed to the point that my home would be at significant risk.

Obviously this year I am in a better position that I have been in a very long time. I am fully aware of the warning signs when things start to kick off. The difference this year is that the warning signs weren't subtle, they smacked me as hard as possible.  It was full on hardcore and scared me silly.  It didn't help I went walking in the rain and I tried to put some of the blame on that.

So what was it?  Well nothing to do with my daughters, wife or Amy this time.  This was some really really nasty stuff from my past. It came back in full horrific colour en mass. More than that I ended up feeling very violated.  These are memories that have been buried for along time now.  I am not going to say who, what, why, when and how long for as my immediate priority has to be to protect myself.  I am not in any immediate danger or at risk but that isn't the point. The point is that I am dealing with this with very very little support and I am not sure how to fix it. My throat is getting more and more painful typing this.

I have done enough to get my voice back which is the symptom of the problem.  My biggest issue is night time.  I maybe safe and away from danger but I am getting wound up at night around the time I go to bed.  I am struggling to fall asleep and am waking up very tense so I am not getting a decent nights sleep.   I had a brilliant day on Saturday yet that night I had to spend well over an hour talking myself down and relaxing after I had gone to bed.