Amy

I am hoping that this will be the last post for a while at least about my friend. I am hoping this will finally ease things for me and when I go to work on Monday I will be able to give a hundred percent. Don't get me wrong I miss Amy, this is not about forgetting her. Please forgive my frustration but I am having to deal with huge amounts on my own and I am not super human.

What really makes me angry is that I did the right thing unlike some people. I had spent years practicing and perfecting my resuscitation techniques whilst volunteering. I had been through numerous first aid courses, although none covered the specific emergency that I dealt with that night. I had never been trained to deal with a resuscitation of a person with a suspected broken neck. I took the decision to use those skills I had with assistance. I also took the decision to protect others, namely my other half from certain things about that night. She had questions about Amy and I chose to protect her from the full horror. Both decisions were the right ones and I would do the same again.

Where I believe I went wrong was my decision to keep completely quiet about what had happened and what I had done that night. My priority was others above and beyond myself. The thing is that even with the overwhelming evidence including statements from others, no one would have believed a word of what I said. People chose to believe the lies of one particular person and decided that I would have to pay. They made me suffer and my life very miserable, they made me doubt. The damage that had been done that night with Amy's death was made a thousand times worse by these people. My trust in certain people was finally completely destroyed and a system designed to protect me failed me. My other half Michaela suffered after what she went through that night, she took a decision that I didn’t find out about until after her death. It changed us both in massive ways both of us wanted the other to do drastic things to each other. I am not prepared to take on a victim status but the loss has been huge. Even with all of this I have kept quiet, not that anyone has offered me any help or support. I believe this made matters worse as it seemed to justify what people were doing. I am not 100 percent convinced that people have stopped even though it is now public knowledge.

As we head towards six years my priority is me, it has to be me! I don’t think I will ever be able to work as a first aider again. I am not sure if I will be ever be able to fully restore my trust in certain people. I haven’t got a clue how to restore my trust in a system that so badly failed me. Time has already eased the pain of loosing Amy. Time and some very limited assistance has given me a bit of peace. I have methods in place to deal with the memories. The rest I will work on as and when I am in a place to deal with it.

I wish however people would recognise what I am dealing with, my loss and the pain I feel over Amy’s death. Time I am afraid doesn’t cure everything.


Just a side note, I am being very proactive in trying to protect myself so have not and will not go into any more detail than what I have already written. I have deliberately not named any names or gone into any more specific detail about events for this reason. I hope you will forgive me for this but it feels like I am still being punished for doing the right thing