Today

When I woken up at silly o’clock apart from being miffed at waking up so early on my day off I could see it was going to be a beautiful sunny day. My mood was great and I was feeling very positive, even positive about the future. It was a great walk into the city and some very full on flirting at one point. Shopping was done and a visit to Starbucks. There has been some online tweeting as well. I did miss out on my usual stop for cake but I will make up for it next week. So for someone who had no plans it has been quite a good day.

I know that I have a huge amount of anger inside of me and that reared its ugly head today. The only way I can describe it is a pure anger, a vile ugly thing that whilst being very justified is something that I can’t normally express. I tend to feel it when I have been particularly nasty to myself or done some of the more extreme stuff that I have done and still do on occasion.

It is unusual for the anger to kick off when I haven’t provoked it in the normal way. As I have previously written I now at the point where I am able to to deal with my friends death which was nearly six years ago now. I have a huge amount of anger over what happened, the knowledge I will have to carry and the deep personal cost above and beyond loosing a friend. This I believe is why the anger kicked off suddenly today. Unlike with my family, especially my daughters with my friend is isn’t about the loss. It is about everything around it.

Don’t get me wrong this didn’t ruin my day! However it did prevent me from doing one thing that is really important to me. It is the one thing that normally regardless of what is happening I will specifically make time for each week. I am reasonably pleased that even with this failure I haven’t turned on myself or punished myself. To me not performing this task each week is a failure regardless of the reasons why and would normally result in me being quite evil to myself. I am even ignoring the urges that are kicking off now.

I started the day very positively and I hope you can see that I am finishing the day in a similar way.