Tuesday

I think for the first time in a very long time that I can say that I actually am starting to look forward to going to work. I am 100% confident that I will soon get to the point where I can say that I am love my job. I must admit I am feeling very cautious because it always seems that when things start to look up and things are going well there is always a fall. I am keeping my fingers and toes cross but I still have a nasty feeling something will go wrong.

I am still having problems getting my brain to switch off at times and I must admit I thought things were going to kick off today. For me it is always a combination of tiredness, pressure and a trigger. Believe it or not but it used to be ambulance sirens, now it is fire alarms. The last few weeks I have been getting really wound up when I know the fire alarms are going to be tested at work but again it seems that things are getting easier.

There are two major flashbacks that I still get with numerous different milder ones. There is one that I always seem to get at work at it scares me silly. It is always of me walking into my friends bedroom and finding her. It is always at that point, never whilst I am administering first aid or after I resuscitated her. The second one is with my eldest daughter at various points but recently it has been just after she had died. It is so bad for me that I find it difficult to type and talking about it is even worse. It hurts like hell and breaks my already broken heart even more.

I think finally tonight I want to admit just how far I have been to try and replace one pain with another. Using physical pain to remove emotional pain. There has been some days where I couldn’t lean back in my seat for the bruising, I have done things that have bordered on ridiculously dangerous. Some of it I asked to do, other things that have been forced on me.

The scary thing is that I think I need to go back down a dark, dangerous path to try any remove or ease some of the emotional pain that I am feeling.