On days like this I believe me only purpose in life is to serve others, to be a punch bag when necessary, to be a shoulder to cry on and finally to be the one who clears up the mess when things go really wrong. I am required to consider others regardless of my feelings. I must then deal with myself in private and never openly talk about me and the mess I maybe in.
This is actually my second go at writing my blog today, I had to delete the first version as publishing it may have upset someone. Never mind that I was being very open and honest I am required to consider their feelings first. It annoys me as this is my blog with my own views and opinions, it has and continues to help me. If I can’t be fully open then what is the point of me spending time writing this blog?
Quite frankly I don’t care how much trouble I get in for talking about this anymore. We all have our limits and yesterday I was sent beyond what I can normally cope with. Even more since I am in the middle of quite a harsh blip. Last night I ended up being quite evil with myself, unusually I ended up in tears as a result. I inflicted a large amount of pain on myself, I was punishing myself so what was I supposed to do? Today I am still in pain, my body is kicking off, I now have the urges to really let rip and really make myself suffer. Nothing unusual there then. I have been fighting the usual epic mood crash, I haven’t cut myself and I am hoping that I don’t end up with a huge amount of bruising.
Did I need to do that to myself? Probably not no but it happened. With everything else that is happening the chances are that something would have happened. I am not super human even with all the experience I have. I am not looking for sympathy, I am not even sure if I am looking for understanding to be honest. My priority is me and I need to repair the damage that has been done. To me the important thing is what happens next. Self pity doesn’t even enter the equation. I plan to take it easy for the next couple of days. I will be regaining my focus and some inner calm which will include focusing on my spiritual side. This will include treating myself, treating my injuries, accepting what has happened and then moving on. I will be doing in a way that means the vast majority will never know what has happened.
On a side note I don’t think it is helping that I am unable to tell people that I am struggling over Amy’s death. To be honest I really doubt people would care.
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