Pushing forward

I have been pondering for a while if I should write this blog and say exactly what is going on and why I am doing it. I have now come to the point where I believe that openly talking about things may help me and possibly help people understand why I am pushing as hard as possible.

I started the year with a clean slate which was very unusual for me, I specifically decided that this was the only way I could start the year. No targets, no pressure and certainly no room for failure as there wasn’t anything to fail. Within a few weeks and looking back at last year I decided that this year was about moving forward. By the end of the year I want to see very big steps forward with my life.

It is no secret that I have been completely let down by people, hurt by others, had some go way over the line, had irreparable damage done by some and been given no support by people I was hoping and relying on. Finally it feels like the system has let me down in some cases. On the flip side there have been some fantastic brilliant people who have given me their support and assistance which I am beyond grateful for.

I have seen and been through some really fucked up things, some of the memories and knowledge I now have is even more fucked up. Seriously just trying to process one of the event results in me doing very extreme things like I have recently done. These events are part of who I am but they do not define me, however I have to deal with them. I need to be in a better place, I need to remove the pain and make things easier to deal with. I need to ease the suffering. I also need to accept the cost and finally accept that people aren’t going to change.

To put it simply I am trying to move forward, get on with my life and find peace. I am doing this with extremely limited support. There are times that I am going to use whatever methods I need to get things back under control until I work out a way to deal with what is going on. I believe the phrase is to use a sledge hammer to crack a nut. I have very little choice on the matter as I have to also maintain a normal life. I have already started, once I have identified what I need to do then I can really push forward. Finally the reason I am doing this on my own is that I have given up on people over what has happened, I am not planning on having my faith in humanity damaged anymore.

The long term benefits of what I am doing far out weighs the costs. I believe it is a positive step forward for me.