Not a happy bunny

Sometimes I find it very difficult to write what I am thinking in a blog post, this is one of those times as this post has been rewritten several times now. Partly because I am not happy with the way it has been written, partly because I am feeling quite delicate and finally because I am trying to avoid anymore hassle that I have already had.  I really can’t be bothered getting my socks sued off over something that should never happened in the first place.

I have a very specific rule when it comes to my daughters birthdays.  I choose a specific day before what would have been their birthday. On that day I walk into the city and spend time choosing the perfect card. Once I have bought the card I go home. I don’t do anything else as my one and only purpose is to buy the card. It is an incredibly hard thing to do and I do it on my own. I have been ferocious when people have tried to question or interfere with this. Yesterday I broke that rule and I am still feeling like a complete and utter shit for breaking that rule.

Normally I wouldn’t break this rule for anyone or anything but yesterday I did precisely that.  My voice had gone again which is a sign that I am stressed and that I need to do something about it.  I don’t want to be off work so yesterday my priority was to chill out and get my voice back so I can get back to work. The reason I was stressed and upset in the first place is that I am still unable to go to my daughters graves, this always gets worse around their birthdays but as per usual no one notices this. Before anyone asks there isn’t anything I can do to change this, I have tried!

I decided after about an hour of wandering about that I would buy the card for my youngest daughter who’s birthday is coming up shortly.  As I said the plan was to buy the card today as per normal on a special trip. I may have broken my rules on this but I haven’t forgotten her and that at this moment in time is the important thing.  I just have to write the card now.

I am still upset about not being able to go to my youngest daughters grave, I feel like a complete shit but my voice seems to be back.  When I am out and about I will cover up what is going on so that means everyone is happy apart from me. Nothing unusual there then.