The voices still ring in my ears “hopeless” “useless” “failure” “you don’t deserve” I have spent years and years listening to those comments, put downs and more. There are times that it was drummed into me, times that it was rammed down my throat and times that it was quite literally kicked into me. The moment I started going up I was kicked back down and these people thought they were doing me a favour and I should be grateful.
The physical scars may have gone but the mental ones are still there. There is a small part of me that latches onto all of the negativity and believes that I am nothing but a complete failure in life. The people who have done this and at times still do it were right. I have decided to write this tonight to prove not just to the world but to myself I am not a complete failure. I know I am not perfect and have made huge mistakes which I regret, I am human after all.
There was a point in 2005 where I had lost everything; I had been thrown out of my home and onto the streets by some very abusive housemates, I had all of my possessions in just one suitcase. I assume they took everything I left behind. My boss made it clear afterwards just how badly it had reflected on me at work. My money was running out, my parents had refused me any help and at that point I had chosen where I was going to sleep. It was next to the entrance to Habitat which was well covered and would protect me from the weather. I couldn’t turn to anyone. I managed to find a place to live just at the final, crisis breaking point moment. I then had to sell most of the remainder of my possessions to ensure I could eat. I kept what was broken or damaged and hid everything that had happened from those I loved
Since that point with the exception of two items I have replaced everything I lost, that was damaged or had to sell, I have also bought some luxury items that I could only dream of at one point. I have been married and had two daughters as you know. I have saved a friends life and gained two qualifications so far at the Open University.
As a person I am stronger than I have ever been. I know who I am, where I want to be in life and have a plan to get myself there. I hope one day that everyone will be proud of me and my achievements. I have a huge amount of potential in life and have started to realise it. These aren’t the words of a failure are they?
Those are not the words of a failure, no. We only fail when we fail to try-and it sounds like under circumstances when most people would have given up, you haven't. You have a lot to be proud of, and I hope you are, always. :)
ReplyDeleteI admire your courage greatly for being able to hang in there and move forward even when so much has been against you. Low self-esteem is an extremely hard thing to overcome and I often wonder whether it is ever possible to do this completely. It isn’t helped because many who have not felt it so acutely cannot even comprehend what it feels like, let alone empathise with it.
ReplyDeleteThere have been times recently when I get caught by a panic when around others lest they ask questions that will reveal the failures I feel currently beset by or even see me as the sorry wretch I often feel that am.
I hope I can make the progress you have. Thank you, as always, for sharing, it reminds me that I’m not alone with this.