Next year

I want to experience a certain night and a very naughty drive that I had in Dublin with my other half. This time I want to do it on, in and with an Aston Martin. That night was one of the best nights of my life. Yes it could be love! It is certainly mind blowing sex.

I want to experience the pleasure of sharing a bottle of Chateaux D'Y Quem with someone who is able to appreciate it. Hopefully that person is my other half.

I hope to finally find the inner peace I have been searching so long and hard for in 2010.

One of my ambitions in 2010 would be to finally stop all of the hurting and expressing myself using extreme things like cutting. I managed it once in 2009.

The final countdown

It is the end of the year, the phrase that comes into my mind is thank fuck for that. Rather than writing a huge blog about this year I thought I would list some of the best moments, the worst moments and the quite frankly weird moments.

The Best Moments

Meeting my other half, may she continue to rock my world!
Passing my certificate in business studdies at the Open University
Being tweeted and getting music recommendations from Sharon Corr
Finally managing to express myself without using my usual extreme methods
Making up with my long term friend and being able to be open with her

The worst moments

I think we can all safely say March was my worst and horrific point
Falling out with a long term friend. My world is a better place with her in it.
Apologising to a Royal Mail van after it hit me. (I naturally tend to do this)

The weird and wonderful moments.

Conversations on Twitter between @Sharon_Corr and @MrsStephenFry
A conversation on Twitter about the words fuck and c**t
Thanking and being grateful to a cashpoint. (Again that is me)
Buying that copper pan, being proud enough about it to post on Facebook and Twitter


Over the last 12 months I have been to hell and back, learn't a huge amount about myself, met some great people, tweeted with people who rock, bought some great things, listened to a huge amount of music. I intend to finish 2009 rocking along with the world!

To my friends, thankyou and may 2010 be as great as you! To those who have stood by me and supported me through the bad times, Thankyou! my world is a better place with you in it. Here is to a stunning 2010 together. Lastly to my friend, there is a permanent place in my heart for you.

P.S

There are a few other very memorable things but due to their nature I can't put them on here ;)

31st December

Anyone who has read my blog will know about about March 8th and my reaction to it this year. I am still suffering the consequences of my suicide attempt. My therapist says I was probably my most dangerous and lowest point since the birth and death of my eldest daughter and my wife. There are other dates but none of them are as bad as March 8th with one exception. The exception is 31st December.

Nothing specific has happened to me or anyone I love on this date, yet I have a passionate dislike of the new year. The ghosts of all the bad things that have happened to me kick off in a big way. In March I have loads of support, in the new year I have none. I have never liked new years eve! March is about grief and loss, new year isn't.

The best way I can describe it is fighting against myself. It starts as a niggle and has been that way for a few days now. The urges to self harm have started. This year I am determined to get through without any problems. If anything to prove to the world that I can do this.

The death penalty

In the next few hours a British man is due to be executed in China by firing squad. He was convicted of smuggling 4kg of heroin. This man has a severe mental illness and the court didn't take this into account when passing sentence. They haven't taken into account evidence presented at appeal and to make matters worse he has only just been told that he is going to die.

I am sure everyone will agree that this is wrong on so many levels. The Chinese have the power to stay the execution so all the evidence can be presented, to commute the sentence and to grant a pardon. It seems that nothing sort of a miracle is going to stop this execution. Justice is supposed to be fair and equal for all!

I am pro life and am 100% against the death penalty. I do not believe it serves justice especially in non violent cases. This man needs medical attention not a bullet in the head. Can't the Chinese deport him to the UK to serve his sentence or receive treatment? Executing him serves no one.

I hope when I get up tomorrow that sense has prevailed and this execution has been stopped.

Cheapest therapy session ever!

This morning I was feeling a bit down and not really myself so I thought I walk into the city and buy some things I needed for my house. What I got was the cheapest therapy session thanks to the mindless drones, sorry people of my city.

On the way to Starbucks I watched an argument between some pedestrians and a driver who had obviously jumped the red light and nearly hit them. After my much needed hot chocolate I wandered into Marks and Spencer. In M&S we had people actually panicking, one of them said she was like that incase she had missed something. People looking dazed and confused, people blocking everywhere and staff being useless as usual.

Seriously people it is the sales and not the end of the world. Is it really the end of the world if you don't manage to buy something you are never going to use, at a slightly reduced price? Why did it make me feel better? Well I am in a position in life where I don't need to follow the mindless heard. I don't need to waste a huge amount of money and then spend the rest of the year in debt as a result.

Thankyou for making me feel better about myself for the cost of a hot chocolate.

New Traditions

As everyone knows Christmas is almost here. This is one of the times of the year where my family and especially my daughters are on my mind constantly. I think about them all of the time, as well as the usual Christmas activities I want to do something personal for my daughters.

Christmas is a time for families so I have decided that every year I will buy 2 extra special decorations for the tree one for each of my baby daughters. This year it is 2 baubles, one with snowmen on and the other with santa on.

Yesterday I bought them on the way to work and I have put them in pride of place on the Christmas tree so everyone can see them. I was quite an intense experience as I hadn't told anyone I was going to do it.

Deck the halls...

It isn’t very long until Christmas and I hope you are all ready for Christmas? Today’s blog is inspired by a wonderful lady that I have met on Twitter. Dottymummy you rock! It is also partly to make me feel more normal. Today is going to be my letter to Santa as hopefully he has put me on the nice list this year, here goes!

Dear Santa

Please may I have the following for Christmas as I have been nice this year? The last two things are what my heart desires the most. I know they are unrealistic but I would quite happily give up everything for them.

Hot Chocolate from Butlers Chocolates, www.butlerschocolates.com/default.asp

An Irish rugby top as I have worn through mine.

A beosound 6 from Bang & Olufsen, I know this is very expensive but it would get a massive amount of use as music is a huge part of my life. http://www.bang-olufsen.com/beosound6

Vouchers from either HMV, EIL.com, or ITunes as I spend a small fortune each year on music.

A good quality milk pan so I can make decent hot chocolate.

To be with and hold my daughters again, I miss them so much.

To be accepted for who I am and not be constantly judged because of some scars. They are only a small part of who I am and I wish people could look past them and see the real me.

Merry Christmas

Michael