I killed a knife

Saturday night I broke my carbon steel carving knife, to be honest though it was either the knife or my arm. I must admit I was surprised though as I normally kill cushions, boxes and towels rather than knives so it is a first for me. 

Yes my arm is in a bit of a mess, yes I took action to minimise the damage so I didn't loose movement in my arm and hand (wouldn't be the first time) and no I am not fine with it. Some people go out get drunk and fall over to try and kill what is going on inside of them.  Me I use pain, always have done but really would rather not.

I am incredibly frustrated and angry, money is tighter than it has been for a very long time and I am going to be loosing the one consistent bit of support that I have had for a very long time now. I have fought to the bitter end over the hell that I have been through. I have got to this point with sheer determination, a tanker load of fight and an occasional bucket of hot chocolate.  I have gone through hell and kept on running to try and fix more damage than the average person will experience in several lifetimes.

How have I done it?  I have had no choice.  Hope is something that I have not been given the luxury of. I have and continue to be abandoned by people who should know better. Whatever happens now though I know I can hold my head up high.

Hard

I am not going to deny that I am very hard on myself, at points to quite an extreme. Someone else picked up this up so I thought I would write about it. I understand that for most people this could be quite off putting but I really have no choice on the matter.  If something goes wrong I have no one that I can really turn to and to be honest if there was I am not sure after everything that has gone on I would be able to turn to that person.

I know I am not going to be believed when I say this but I am so much better now with myself than I used to be. Previously I would not give myself any room for movement and the slightest mistake, emotion that I wasn’t happy with would result in a quite severe punishment.  Oh and failure to perform would result it a painful experience for me.  I had what could only be described as a special relationship with the coffee machine at work. I was so efficient that I could burn myself to the point of blistering myself just walking between floors. It doesn’t go down well with employers when they find out you are self harming to achieve performance, they like it even less when you point out that they never complained about your performance so why were they complaining about the methods you used to achieve them.

Now it may not seem like much for most people but when I buy a book that is me being nice to myself, when I go for breakfast on a Saturday that is me being nice to myself, the expensive chocolate I eat is me being nice to myself, I have a thing for very expensive linen, tickets to the ballet, buying stationery and yes even a plate of boiled potatoes is me being nice to myself.  I have managed to go from injuring myself several times a day to once a month if that. I ensure that at the weekends I try and make some dinners from scratch. I have hot chocolate nights and quite a liking for rice pudding.

There is a price for what I have seen, been through and experienced. I don’t just mean the physical damage which I mostly hide or the horrific images that are constantly on auto loop in my mind. I have no choice but to push myself harder and harder. There are days that I can only be described as vicious to myself. There are days that I have to go out and buy biscuits or treats for other people in the hope that someone will actually like me. I hate myself for it but without the proper support this is all that I have.  Support that from what I can see is never going to be forthcoming. 

I have had a taster of what happens when I stop and it scares me. Like everyone I have bills to pay and a roof to keep over my head. So until someone can come up with a solution that helps me I have to keep on pushing myself, I have to keep on being nasty and I have to make sure I don’t stop.  There isn’t a plan B for me!  Sitting and hoping that someone will come and help is just laughable and soul destroying, especially when it doesn’t happen. I have lost count of the number of times I have asked for help and been told no, had conditions put on that assistance or just been lied to.  My faith in people and humanity was taken a long time ago, so I have to work with what I have.

I am far nicer to myself now than I used to be but people need to realise that I am only human, far from perfect and trying the best that I can.

I am nervous

Can I admit something?  I am really nervous!  I have been going through what can only be described as a very difficult patch.  On Thursday I am going to the ballet and due to a billion and one things this is going to be it for me for the considerable future now.  I love going to the ballet and opera but it is expensive and I can't afford to go now.  Loosing my job has meant that I have all but exhausted my savings so I am not sure when anything good will happen now.

I have pinned all my hopes on having a fantastic night out at the ballet but life teaches us and in particular me that things can and do go wrong. I wanted to buy some of my favourite confit grapefruit but they are out of stock for 2 to 3 weeks so that is a no now.  It also means I now have creeping doubts now about what else is going to go wrong. I know I wasn't going for the grapefruit but...

Someone please tell me that I am being silly here, that I have nothing to worry about and everything will be stunning on the night.

Woe is me!

I do not normally write posts like this but today I am really struggling, my kidneys feel like someone has given them a thoroughly good kicking and the less said about my arm the better.  The physical stuff I can put up with as it will pass.  The issue is the mental stuff and it is beyond a level of which I can normally deal with.  I need a woe is me post but before I go any further I just want to humbly beg you for forgiveness for it (on a side note you don't have to read any further)

*deep breath*   I am feeling very ignored and unloved, I am struggling today with being out of work for so long and it is getting to me because I am struggling to see if anyone cares, or in fact notices. I do wonder if I was deleted from this planet if anyone would actually notice if I had gone?  No this doesn't mean I am suicidal or at risk of harm.  It means I am feeling very sorrowful, down and I need someone on this god forsaken lump of a planet to actually care.  It is going to happen?  Is it fuck!

In a corner squealing blue f***ing murder and it still isn't enough!

As per normal I will find a way of sorting everything out, it is what I do!  Some of us don't have a choice in the matter. For some of us this beautiful planet is a harsh, hard place that seems to be relentless. 

Woe is me?  Dam right woe is me!  I want some f**king attention and to feel the love for once.

It was a biggie

You know it was a biggie when I use my blog to write about it. It had been a while in the coming and it at stupid o'clock on Saturday morning. When I say hit I mean it was like being it with a freight train, not the flashback which was to put it bluntly was fucking awful but my body's reaction to it. 

We have certain indicators when we are stressed, very stressed and seriously stressed. Mine hit all at once with as much severity as they could muster. My throat was the first to go which felt like I was slowly being stabbed with a red hot knife. The next day my stomach kicked off to the point it became difficult to do anything, all my energy went and I had to give up with my usual Saturday trip to the city. 

After getting home my anger boiled over resulting in a box being killed.  In the past I have ended up killing expensive handmade cushions  but at £60 a throw it gets a tad inconvenient when jobless plus the major fact that I like the cushion I have now. The box of paper was going in the bin anyway so no harm done. 

Now I end up mentally and physically exhausted whilst feeling really ill. 24 hours later and I am still feeling really dodgy from it. I can't tell anyone how I really feel as I can't talk about the flashback and at the end of the day I don't want to burden anyone with something that is my problem. So again I am lying through my teeth to protect others.

I am hoping one day I may be able to seek forgiveness until then I hope people understand. I haven't got time to be ill as I need to get a new job and my life back on track. I am 90% certain that being out of work has contributed to this, it certainly is contributing to how long it is taking me to get over it. Then again it has been less than 48 hours so I could be being exceptionally hard on myself as per usual, not sure if I care at this precise moment.

Much love to all those who deserve it.

Update

Life is hard, woe is me!  It would be slightly easier if I would stop being a absolute c**t to myself over loosing my job.  It also doesn't help that I have had to drastically alter my plans to deal with the anniversary on March 8th but what is really causing me a whole heap of issues is not being around people.  I am a very social person and need to be around people.  I also have to keep to my usual routine to prevent my brain from kicking off, the last thing I need at the moment is for a full on brain dump and me having to deal with that on top of everything. 

I was going to write how I booked a single room in London which resulted in two very crap nights sleep, how I didn't do anything but stay in my hotel room whilst in London to try and save money, how I didn't go and see Les Miserables to punish myself for loosing my job, how I have cut out all of the nice treats to punish myself and to ensure I only get the very basics that I need and please forgive my language just how shitty it is making me feel but I won't.  I wish people could understand just how difficult I am finding this and how beaten down I now feel but then it feels like I am being very whiney.

You maybe surprised to know that through out all of this I haven't deliberately injured myself, yes I have been a complete arse to myself because of a mixture of stress and panic but I haven't injured myself. Only in the last few days have I felt the need to, even this is nothing close to what would trigger anything off.  I have had the usual waves of rage and anger but that is nothing to do with my current situation. 

What I am going to say is this;

On the anniversary whilst I may not have been able to do what I wanted to do. I managed to have a positive day.  I did everything I needed to do for my family, treated myself and cooked a really nice dinner for myself. 

I had a really positive and learning experience when at the re employment workshop provided by my former employer in London. The team of people I was with were nothing short of brilliant and it was a relief to be in a workplace setting for a couple of days. I came away knowing that I deserve more and can do more, I need to work out what an achievement is and need to sell myself more and that I need to look at my leadership skills. 

The job centre have confirmed they are happy that I am doing everything possible to find a new job. 

I spoke to a consultant this afternoon and went through everything I had been doing to get a new job and she confirmed that although I may not think it everything I have done is positive.

I haven't had a complete meltdown and managed to keep things just about under control. There may have even been some positive change in me.

I am now a friend of the English National Ballet which is something I have been meaning to do for a while, I have also renewed my friends membership of the Royal Hibernian Academy in Dublin. I am also looking ahead to see if I can do anymore studying with the Open University.

Even with all of this positive stuff and the steps I have taken to move forward with my life I still feel bloody awful at the moment. Yesterday I felt particularly bad to the point that I hated the planet and wished it would f**k right off.

I still managed to make someone burst out laughing which has to say something doesn't it? 

New Years Resolutions.

Ah the new year is rapidly approaching towards us, a time when historically I tend to be in for a rough ride. This year is no exception with flashbacks and nightmares over the last few nights, I am not expecting any let up for the next few nights either.  So this post can be about them or something more positive.

I have decided to go with the more positive theme today and talk about new years resolutions. I have decided to publish mine, a little behind them and we shall see if I manage to keep them this year. I kept the one I made last year!

Let's start with the charity one. This year my aim is to give 2.5% of my take home pay to charity. That may not seem a huge amount but it is a minimum and excludes purchases from charity. It is always a positive thing to give to charity and I tend to target mine to charities that don't have massive incomes.

Turn over a new leaf with certain people. This one is going to be difficult as I have a bucket load of anger for them and have no reasons to be civil to them. They hold me back in life so turning over a new leaf may mean some difficult decisions, ignoring the anger and holding out an olive branch to them. It may also mean that I have to remove them from my life completely which is something I find hard to do. However doing this is going to make me a better person.

I want to try and learn a new language.  We all should, no other reasons.

Develop my tastes, hobbies and interests so I can meet new people.  I need more of the right people in my life. People who are going to enhance it rather than make it worse. This will help me take the steps forward in my life.

What are your New Years Resolutions?