Challenges

It is a simple fact of life that there will always be consequences for your actions.  These consequences can be good, bad or life changing for all of those involved. At this moment in time I am not talking about my family or my friends, this is a whole new can of worms. Not so long ago I took a nose dive into unbridled hell and kept on running.  I made a huge amount of choices that although they were spot on correct there is a price that I continue to pay for it.  My actions were also spot which no one disputes but they have come at an even higher price.  That period of time in my life and the actions/behaviour of other taught me some very hard lessons that I will never forget. I could go on and on but I won't.

One of the consequences of that time in my life is Christmas. A few years ago when things were really bad I cancelled Christmas.  I did not receive a single gift or card (yes I gave presents out) There were no decorations, special food or treats. That day was just another day but without any social contact for me. Not a pleasant experience made worse after what had happened and been done.

Since that point I have learned to start valuing myself in small ways even if others don't. Each year I build more into my Christmas than the previous year. It is going to take many years before I get my dream but I am working on it. I now have a tree each year which special baubles on it for my daughters, there are treats, nice food and this year dare I say it, a cake! I spend time considering what I want for Christmas and buy myself something which is wrapped and placed under the tree. I even have a tradition of making a proper trifle from scratch now.

Reading this you may think I am looking for sympathy, for someone to take pity and buy me something, perhaps that it is embarrassing and humiliating?  The answer would be no on all accounts!  So why am I doing this? quite simply it is because ever step forward I take is a win in life, it shows that I am better than those events and people. Even when I have everything thrown at me I still bounce back, regardless of how long it takes.  Every single step forward I make reduces the price that I have to pay for the past. It balances it out in the smallest of ways and I become a better person for it.

I have a bigger challenge this year as it looks like there are going to be some fairly major changes for me in the new year.  This means some major uncertainty for me which is going to impact on my christmas.  I am normally as generous as possible with my gifts, buy expensive food and really push the boat out. This year I must find a middle ground for Christmas which involves cutting back on what I would love to do and having a modest but nice Christmas.  Far easier said than done for someone like me.

Another consequence of the events I am talking about is that I believe that I am a very disliked person, not universally but close. One of the things I do is buy things for people in the hope that it will help them like me. Christmas is no exception for this, although there are the rare times that I do it for more positive reasons. So getting this right is a huge challenge for me!

Another challenge for me is my own Christmas gifts. For me Christmas is more about what you want rather than what you need. I tend to use any reason to avoid buying myself gifts. Another challenge this year for me, although I am finding this easier each year.

Another challenge is the food.  Even normal food is getting more and more expensive each year and I have traditions to keep.  I need to find a way of keeping costs down whilst ensuring that I keep my traditions and have a decent meal on Christmas day. Normally this wouldn't even be a consideration for me.

Treats!  We all love a treat. This year I have no provision for the little treats that we all love at Christmas. So any money used for treats is going to need to come from somewhere else.

Finally I still have to honour my family, control the demons and do everything possible not to kick of my self harming again as I tear myself apart over the New Year.

Sunday

I am sure I have posted this tweet before but I feel the need to post it again;

The problem with trying to be a perfectionist on a card that is never going to be opened is that it will always end up in tears.

Well this weekend I bought the card again, the methods I use this time are only a dry run for the fully justifiable hell that I put myself through in March.  It is pointless of me saying I need a hug when I know that it isn't going to happen. 

I really don't know what else to say so for now I am going to sign off.

Sorrow surrounds me

xxxx

Pussy Riot

Okay before we go any further with today's blog I would humbly like to point you to the paragraph below the blog title.  For any avoidance of doubt please read it so we can save any misunderstandings and potential embarrassment.  Here is the paragraph just to make sure;

Thoughts, opinions, musings and ramblings of a dragon. Naturally anything published by me in this blog represents my views and not of my employer, family, friends, people that I have slept with or anyone I may have come into contact with on a daily basis. Any comments posted by people who read this blog are their own opinions, they do not represent me etc.

Now let's talk about Pussy Riot who have been sent to prison for two years for hooliganism in Russia. I think 99.9% of us believe this is wrong.  Personally I fully believe that when the state fails then non violent civil disobedience is fully justifiable.  There should be separation between the church, state and judiciary. Especially between the state and judiciary.  I fully believe and call for their immediate release!

This for me isn't about feminism it is about freedom of speech, holding the state to account and the right to protest. Their methods are unique I must admit. I respect their stance and the fact that they are prepared to fully accept responsibility for their actions.  I hope they endure and survive their  Incarceration.

Naturally on twitter there has been numerous reports of other protests around the world. We had the fully expected arrests in Russia. In the Ukraine we had one feminist group decide to stage a protest by cutting down a religious monument (Jesus on a cross).  I can't agree with their protest regardless of their reasons, what puzzles me is their methods and what their methods have got to do with feminism.  A good looking topless women using a chain saw and allot of effort to cut the cross down with free pussy riot on her body.

http://gawker.com/5935685/topless-femen-activist-takes-down-giant-cross-with-chainsaw-to-protest-pussy-riot-verdict?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_twitter&utm_source=gawker_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow 

I understand and support women's rights. Though I have to ask what has this got to do with feminism? Was the nudity for a reason? I am trying to understand what is going on here.

Useless Human.

I am back at work, yay! I can stop feeling like such a completely useless human being now. I find that there is nothing quite like being off work with mental health issues to increase that feeling of failure and being useless. It doesn’t start straight away with me; normally I am to busy trying to calm my brain down enough to focus on basic day to day activities and getting me out of the house. It gets me in the end though to the point where I don’t want to look people in the eye and feel like I should apologise for not being able to cope. Add in the fact that I am going to loose wages, potentially upset my employer and the fact that I can’t do quite a number of the things that I would normally do and you have quite a boiling pot of a mess to deal with.


I feel that I should point out that none of us can help being ill regardless of whether it is physical, mental or a combination of both that we have. Likewise I had no choice but to off sick and I had got to the point that I couldn’t cope. I had put up a vicious fight but in the end I had to go off and accept the consequences of my actions. I am not happy about it but I am not going to apologise for something that is out of my control.

This time I managed to deal with things better and quicker which has meant that I have kept my time off to a minimum. I did everything I could to identify the cause and to get myself back to work. The method I used in the end was to accept that everything bad that has ever happened to me was entirely my fault (The reality being extremely different to this). The theory being that if everything was my fault then there was only one person who could deal with it and that was me.

Once I had got to this point I managed to get things moving very quickly to the point that I was able to make the decision to go back to work. The first positive consequence of this is that I can stop feeling like such a useless human being now.

Birthday!

Ever loved someone enough that you would happily give them your final breath to save them? The sort of person who light up not just the room but the entire planet when you see them.  I have!  I know that makes me a very lucky man, mere words can't describe my feelings for her or how grateful I am for the time we were together.  I am talking about the mother of my eldest daughter.

Tomorrow would have been (is) her birthday and I am really not happy. My heart breaks just that little bit harder on her birthday. I am unable to visit her grave and yes this upsets me just that little bit more. I want to visit her grave, I want to place a massive bunch of flowers on it.  I want to sit at the side of her grave and bawl my eyes out until it hurts.  I don't want comfort I want to experience the pain. Why? Because in feeling the pain of loss I am just that little bit grateful for what we had.

The cold hard fact is that I can't for reasons that annoy the hell out of me. So with the continuing theme that is my existence I must put up with what I have, although me not being happy about it is a progression. Going out and getting so drunk I haven't got a clue where I am would be my next choice but that doesn't help anyone plus my body has taken enough kickings over the last few years to last me a lifetime. Plus the bruising on my arm tends to give the game away!

I think it is plainly obvious from what I have written so far that I miss her. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day without her. Tomorrow isn't about survival or damage limitation, it is about showing the world in the most powerful but subtle way what I think. Those who need to know, will know. Those who need to see, will see. Those who need to feel, will feel. The rest of the planet will be oblivious to me and what is going on.  It is something that I have just about perfected, I have had no choice on the matter.

Tea and Biscuits

Feeling evil, no I am being evil.  I have decided to stop and put the kettle on, you know do the British thing. Rather than loosing it with myself or others I have put the kettle on and made a nice cup of tea, I have even opened the expensive biscuits. No rich tea biscuits here my friends!

I have been struggling to write my blog recently partly because I have very little to say and partly because I can't communicate it. Whilst my tanker load of tea cools down I have decided to write about things. I am only going to say this aloud once so listen very carefully (I do believe I have just quoted allo allo)  My name is Michael and I am a failure!  No seriously I am a failure and last week it was confirmed to me by someone I trust.

Never mind my achievements minor, major and spectacular. Never mind how many things I have been through and survived, certainly never mind that I have got to this point with virtually no support.  All of that, everything I have ever achieved is completely irrelevant. The reason I am a failure is that when the shit hits the fan I have no one to turn to. I am also told it means that I don't have a life.

99% of the time I ask for support I am told no, I have been failed more times than I can remember and to the point it now bores me silly. I could go on and on and on until the next millennium. It would appear that everything I am, have done or will do is irrelevant because when the shit hits the fan I have no one to turn to.

Naturally you will understand that I am a little bit miffed because the world has chosen to ignore the bigger picture and focus on one thing.  I survive because I have no choice, I gave up on relying on others a very long time ago.

Is this the point that I have to wear a tag or sign to warn everyone away from me?  Do I need to go away and lock myself in a room to save everyone else? Do I need to apologise to someone?  I am not quite sure what I am supposed to do now, so if those people who have others to turn to when every little thing goes wrong could please let me know.

The bruising is going to be a bitch but this cuppa is going down well.  I am now going to toddle off and do everything possible to hide my shame.

I have to do something!

There has to be a point where a person says enough is enough, we all have this point but some of us take longer to get there than others. I freely admit that at the moment I am in a very bad mood, to put it bluntly I am pissed off and have decided to do something about it. I am not sure how long it will last for, but for now I am saying enough is enough.  I can't change the past or the way people have treated me, I can however change the present and perhaps the future.

People needed cheering up or motivating? Michael was the one with the chocolate and cakes. People need stationery? Michael was the one to supply it. People need support? Michael is there offering everything that he can. Major incident, crisis or general f**k up? Yep, you guessed it! Michael is knee deep in it sorting everything out.

The first thing I hear people cry is "No one asked you to do anything" Well in numerous cases they did ask me, in others it was expected of me. Either way it never stopped every man, woman and their dog criticising, blaming, and generally making me as miserable as possible. I am talking about the very major stuff there before anyone starts. I could put money on there being very few people out there being treated so badly after dealing with a major incident that they ended up sending written and verbal apologies to everyone. With the little stuff like the cakes and stationery do it so often it becomes expected and unappreciated.  

Do I regret my actions in these events? Far from it no and I would do the same again. I did wrongly assume that in certain cases after I had finished dealing with the big stuff that I would have a bit of support dealing with the personal damage caused.  I certainly didn't expect the actions and behaviours of certain people who have forced me into this position and are the cause of my anger. This I do regret, I also regret that I am in the position now where I have to deal with 99.99% of this in secret but that is the price of my actions. I also deeply regret the times where I can't keep things locked down and hidden, I do try my best to keep within the social norms and hide the horrible stuff from everyone.   When it does rear it's head you can guarantee I regret it. 

I have to do something to try and ease my ever increasing anger over what has happened and what continues to happen. It doesn't mean I am turning into a cold hearted, selfish excuse of a man. There are people out there that I will always try my best to help them, if they need me I will assist them. Until my anger subsides I am afraid I won't be the one who steps up for the vast majority of people and times.

I am feeling quite mixed up at the moment but doing something is better than doing nothing.