Challenges

It is a simple fact of life that there will always be consequences for your actions.  These consequences can be good, bad or life changing for all of those involved. At this moment in time I am not talking about my family or my friends, this is a whole new can of worms. Not so long ago I took a nose dive into unbridled hell and kept on running.  I made a huge amount of choices that although they were spot on correct there is a price that I continue to pay for it.  My actions were also spot which no one disputes but they have come at an even higher price.  That period of time in my life and the actions/behaviour of other taught me some very hard lessons that I will never forget. I could go on and on but I won't.

One of the consequences of that time in my life is Christmas. A few years ago when things were really bad I cancelled Christmas.  I did not receive a single gift or card (yes I gave presents out) There were no decorations, special food or treats. That day was just another day but without any social contact for me. Not a pleasant experience made worse after what had happened and been done.

Since that point I have learned to start valuing myself in small ways even if others don't. Each year I build more into my Christmas than the previous year. It is going to take many years before I get my dream but I am working on it. I now have a tree each year which special baubles on it for my daughters, there are treats, nice food and this year dare I say it, a cake! I spend time considering what I want for Christmas and buy myself something which is wrapped and placed under the tree. I even have a tradition of making a proper trifle from scratch now.

Reading this you may think I am looking for sympathy, for someone to take pity and buy me something, perhaps that it is embarrassing and humiliating?  The answer would be no on all accounts!  So why am I doing this? quite simply it is because ever step forward I take is a win in life, it shows that I am better than those events and people. Even when I have everything thrown at me I still bounce back, regardless of how long it takes.  Every single step forward I make reduces the price that I have to pay for the past. It balances it out in the smallest of ways and I become a better person for it.

I have a bigger challenge this year as it looks like there are going to be some fairly major changes for me in the new year.  This means some major uncertainty for me which is going to impact on my christmas.  I am normally as generous as possible with my gifts, buy expensive food and really push the boat out. This year I must find a middle ground for Christmas which involves cutting back on what I would love to do and having a modest but nice Christmas.  Far easier said than done for someone like me.

Another consequence of the events I am talking about is that I believe that I am a very disliked person, not universally but close. One of the things I do is buy things for people in the hope that it will help them like me. Christmas is no exception for this, although there are the rare times that I do it for more positive reasons. So getting this right is a huge challenge for me!

Another challenge for me is my own Christmas gifts. For me Christmas is more about what you want rather than what you need. I tend to use any reason to avoid buying myself gifts. Another challenge this year for me, although I am finding this easier each year.

Another challenge is the food.  Even normal food is getting more and more expensive each year and I have traditions to keep.  I need to find a way of keeping costs down whilst ensuring that I keep my traditions and have a decent meal on Christmas day. Normally this wouldn't even be a consideration for me.

Treats!  We all love a treat. This year I have no provision for the little treats that we all love at Christmas. So any money used for treats is going to need to come from somewhere else.

Finally I still have to honour my family, control the demons and do everything possible not to kick of my self harming again as I tear myself apart over the New Year.