I have to do something!

There has to be a point where a person says enough is enough, we all have this point but some of us take longer to get there than others. I freely admit that at the moment I am in a very bad mood, to put it bluntly I am pissed off and have decided to do something about it. I am not sure how long it will last for, but for now I am saying enough is enough.  I can't change the past or the way people have treated me, I can however change the present and perhaps the future.

People needed cheering up or motivating? Michael was the one with the chocolate and cakes. People need stationery? Michael was the one to supply it. People need support? Michael is there offering everything that he can. Major incident, crisis or general f**k up? Yep, you guessed it! Michael is knee deep in it sorting everything out.

The first thing I hear people cry is "No one asked you to do anything" Well in numerous cases they did ask me, in others it was expected of me. Either way it never stopped every man, woman and their dog criticising, blaming, and generally making me as miserable as possible. I am talking about the very major stuff there before anyone starts. I could put money on there being very few people out there being treated so badly after dealing with a major incident that they ended up sending written and verbal apologies to everyone. With the little stuff like the cakes and stationery do it so often it becomes expected and unappreciated.  

Do I regret my actions in these events? Far from it no and I would do the same again. I did wrongly assume that in certain cases after I had finished dealing with the big stuff that I would have a bit of support dealing with the personal damage caused.  I certainly didn't expect the actions and behaviours of certain people who have forced me into this position and are the cause of my anger. This I do regret, I also regret that I am in the position now where I have to deal with 99.99% of this in secret but that is the price of my actions. I also deeply regret the times where I can't keep things locked down and hidden, I do try my best to keep within the social norms and hide the horrible stuff from everyone.   When it does rear it's head you can guarantee I regret it. 

I have to do something to try and ease my ever increasing anger over what has happened and what continues to happen. It doesn't mean I am turning into a cold hearted, selfish excuse of a man. There are people out there that I will always try my best to help them, if they need me I will assist them. Until my anger subsides I am afraid I won't be the one who steps up for the vast majority of people and times.

I am feeling quite mixed up at the moment but doing something is better than doing nothing.

Success!

I am officially a happy bunny today and the reason may sound extremely trivial to the vast majority of people but for me it is a success.  Today Sunday 20th May 2012 I am having a very lazy day! More importantly I am happy about this.

I have over the last few months found it very difficult to have a lazy day and found excuses to go out on every day off I have had. I had to make sure I was actively doing something even if it was go for a walk into the city for breakfast or a coffee. Today I have been through all of the billion and one reasons that I need to go out and I have dismissed all of them. I am going allow my brain and body a day off.

So I hereby declare today a pants/trousers/skirt optional lazy day!

Wound up

Do you know that feeling when you are wound up as tight as you can go and there is nothing you can do about it? That is the situation that I find myself in at the moment.  I can't openly talke about what the problem is because that would put me at risk, I am not sure how much risk but I guarantee it would make like very uncomfortable for me in the short to medium term.  I can't talk to the person I need to talk to as I have already been informed that I am hard work (nothing positive in that statement).  Plus I am not sure if there would be any benefit to being open with that person anyway. Finally I can't self injure because that would heap a mountain of problems squarely on my shouldders. So I must sit here and stew in my increasing frustration, hoping that I have enough self control until I can get to a place that is safe enough for me to vent.

I am however going to vent just enough on here for me to be able to ease the pressure and get back to keeping every man, women, child and their dog happy.  Here goes!  I am beyong pig, sick and tired of being the one expected to stand up and resolve everything, then being the only person to blame when something goes wrong. Seriously my head has been well and truly done in over this. There is a probelm, Michael stands up and sorts it out. Michael then gets blamed for the event, other peoples actions and anything else that has happened or ever will happen.

What the world doesn't realise is that I am still paying the price for being that sort of person. It hurts, it continues to hurt and I doubt it will ever stop hurting.  I stand up, I do the right thing, I am failed by everyone, I pay the price and it is my fault.

That's me done!

How to ruin a perfectly decent mood.

I wish I could make people understand just how difficult certain things are for me.  This isn't about confidence this is about actual self worth, something for me that has been obliterated beyond all recognition.  I have a tiny amount of self worth which I manage to display in March when I went to London and finally managed to treat myself properly.

Today I had another full on flashback before going to work. Unusually this time I was taken back to the point that I was holding my eldest daughter in my arms. A moment that I fully treasure and as it did today normally ends up with me bursting with pride to the point that I could cry.  It makes a refreshing change from the normal horrors that I have to deal with. Most of which have been coming back over the last few weeks to have yet another go. Exhausted is an understatement. 

Riding on this absolute pride I decided to deal with quite a delicate subject for me which is my upcoming birthday.  It is also the quickest was to destroy a perfectly decent mood.  I am going to a show in London the day after my birthday and knowing that I tend to be comprehensively ignored by the entire planet on my birthday and Christmas I decided that I would go to London on my birthday (it is a very long story which I won't be boring you with but to say I don't deserve the way I am treated, naturally which I am told is entirely my fault. Most things are don't you know)

As soon as I make this decision my brain kicks off. I am not allowed to do things like that. I am not allowed to treat myself and I am certainly not entitled to celebrate my birthday. Someone as utterly lowly as me doesn't deserve anything.  I am a no body who certainly shouldn't be going above my station and get myself noticed by doing something for myself. (There are a few people who would be delighted to read this.)  I haven't got a family to celebrate it with anyway. I forced myself to book the hotel at the cost of a perfectly decent mood. It is the price I have to pay for being me and my past actions. I would say woe is me but that would end up with me being vicious.

I am not sure why I am posting this. I may even delete it shortly, who knows? 

Epic Brain Fart

For the vast majority of the time I cope with my brain kicking off and the flashbacks that I get. I have lots and lots in place to keep me chilled out and rocking with the world, also to help when things do kick off. Occasionally though I have a major flashback that floors me with what happens and the resulting mess.  It rare but they are really nasty.

The last major one I had was in fact just over a couple of weeks ago and I am still clearing up the mess from it. Inside it quite literally wrecks me, there is the external damage which the vast majority of the time can be covered up.

I am not going to discuss the actual flashback as I can't but want to show you what surrounds it.   So the Thursday morning after a seriously bad nights sleep I wake up in an odd mood.  I get up and walk into the city where things really kick off. At this point I am so wound up that I could quite easily hurt someone. This is an adrenaline pumping, fully focused rage that is being made worse by the images and actions that I can see.  I am having to use a huge amount energy to stop myself flying off the handle.  It doesn't get much better after getting to work and I have to let a manager know there is a problem. Trying to do your job, hide what is going on from people and control the waves of anger is creating more problems. I kid you not when I tell you that at one point I was on the phone doing my job whilst trying to control the urge to punch someone. Later on in the day things got even worse and I left work. After getting home I finally lost it and wrecked a cushion which is not something I am proud of and hardly my finest point.  I couldn't control the anger.  At this point I now am ashamed of myself for leaving work early, ashamed of myself for not being able to control the flashback and the small matter of a wrecked cushion to deal with. A couple of days later I then let rip at myself resulting in a exceptionally sore arm.

Now the event has gone back into the deep dark depths of my mind until it is triggered off again or possibly I am finally allowed to talk about it and deal with it. I am going to have a cushion made to replace the ruined one and my arm has healed.

The one thing I have been struggling with is the emotions. For a few days afterwards and until I had a go at myself my perceptions were completely off.  I feel like a failure, my inner security has gone through the floor again which hasn't helped with my confidence. I am also having periods of time where I feel completely on my own in the world. To make matters worse I seem to get the balance restored and then the slightest little thing seems to kick it off. It is one particular place that I seem to be more vulnerable in, although the event that kicked this all off didn't happen there. (similar events yes but not quite on the scale of that one).  I also feel like a complete shit because of what has happened.

I am hoping those around me will forgive me and understand that I am doing everything possible to get back to my slightly silly self. In writing this I am hoping people will understand that this was bad, very very bad even by my standards. 

I am taking a massive risk by posting this, I hope I am not proven wrong.

Ending all of the hate.

It doesn’t half take a lot of energy to really hate another person to the point that you can only ever see what they have done wrong. Quite frankly to hate someone to that sort of extreme is actually knackering. Keep with me there is a point to all of this and no it isn’t a full on rant, although I would be perfectly justified to have a full on rant about specific people and events. The downside to all of that would it would probably put me at personal risk. Believe me there are quite a few people who I have every right to hate with a passion until the end of their natural lives.


A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that something had to change for me to move forward in my life and perhaps become a better person. I decided that regardless of whom the person was or is and what they had done, I had to stop hating them. I am not talking about forgiving them, forgetting what has happened, group hugs or becoming life long friends. I am talking about removing a major barrier to me moving forward in my life and becoming a better person. I think it means that I end up more at peace with myself.

Within this group of people the fact that I no longer hate them doesn’t change how I will deal or interact with them, mainly because I really don’t want to know them or because what they did was so serious or offensive that nothing they can say or do now will change of make amends for what has happened.

I can now use all of the time and energy that I am saving on more positive things and better people.

faith and sexuality

I think it is time to clear something up about me and my faith. A few people are making some quite offensive assumptions about me just because I am catholic. My views have and always will be clear on certain matters. I class myself a as a progressive liberal catholic and my views may make me a bad catholic but they sure as hell make me a better person.

This is one which annoys the hell out of me and that is sexuality. People assume that because I am catholic that I have a problem with people who are gay, that I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. WRONG, TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WRONG!  The only time a persons sexuality has ever come into the mix was when that man was trying to force himself onto me. At that point I will and did use whatever methods and words that I wish to defend myself.  My firm belief and I have said this openly before is that just because a person is gay/bi doesn’t make them less of a person/christian/catholic than the rest of us. If you are a man/woman and your natural instinct or feelings are towards another man/woman that who am I to judge you?  Now admittedly if it was animals or children then yes I have a very serious problem with that and I am going to make it very clear what I think.  Someone correct me if I am wrong here but both a marriage and civil partnership are public declarations of love and commitment? A rose by any other name is still a rose.  

I would much rather a person be who they are than someone they are not. Yes I have trust issues and find it very difficult to let men anywhere close to me, I promise you though that has got nothing to do with my faith or the church. Read between the lines here and I am fairly certain you will understand what I am talking about. Being a catholic/christian isn’t just about toddling off to mass once a week and confession occasionally. It is about being open, tolerant and welcoming to all. It is about giving, being considerate and caring. A persons sexuality should never be a bar to the church.

I am a practicing catholic and yes I carry a rosary around with me. No this doesn’t mean that I am religious nut, no it doesn’t mean I am going to start bible bashing and preaching to people, no it doesn’t mean I am going to suddenly start to try and convert or change peoples views, beliefs or anything else.  I am certainly not going to  and never will treat someone different because they are gay, straight or bi.  

So would people kindly stop trying to judge me on their own narrow and biased views of catholics? As with the whole of society we are not all bad people with narrow and offensive views of others.