I want a discussion

I thought it was time for me to write another blog entry, it has been a while since my last one. I am not actually looking for a partner because I believe I am defective and need to put a huge amount of work into dealing with what is broken before I have a proper relationship. I may not have the right to say that but no one seems to be disputing it. Please don't get me wrong there are certainly women out that that I am attracted to and without a doubt I would sleep with.

It would appear that I am or have been saying something wrong when I say I don't want to have any more children. I have now had two babies die in my arms and I am not prepared for it to happen a third time. Nothing will replace my daughters and I don't believe another child would ease or magically remove the pain of loosing my daughters. I still have days where I tear myself apart over them, yesterday was a classic example where I started the day nose diving back into a very raw pain and ended up fighting the urges to be very evil to myself.

I have said yes if I did meet the right lady then there maybe a chance that I would have a baby with her. The reality is that I don't believe that will be happening any time soon and it slightly more complicated than that anyway. Likewise I am heading towards being 35 years old which I believe tends to stand in my way.

When I make it clear I don't want anymore children and the reason why, society and more specifically the people around me make it clear that I am saying something wrong. Yet no one is prepared to have an open and honest discussion as to why? Am I missing some unwritten rules here?

I am more than happy to have this discussion with anyone who thinks I am wrong and even those who think I am right but it does need to be a bit more than "aww you will do" If you think I am being selfish then say sodiscus me a reason why. I don't mind how this discussion happens but I feel that it needs to happen.

Productive day.

At the weekend I self injured and now have some fairly nasty bruising on my arm. One bloke who was serving me in a shop today looked visibly shocked after seeing my arm. I know I should have covered up but I only have thick jumpers and it was far to hot today to wear one. 

I had a mega hard therapy session today where I went allot further than I was expecting to and managed to talk about some things I wasn't going to talk about.  That eased a large amount of pressure off myself and hopefully means it won't be evil to myself for a while now.  I managed to deal with something that touched on a very raw nerve without bawling my eyes out, being evil to myself or becoming a quivering wreck.

Christmas! Boo, hiss and all that.  I have previously posted that each year I buy two baubles to put on this Christmas tree, one for each of my daughters. This is a tradition I intend to keep up every year.  It does frustrate me silly each year, I have also been looking for two extra special hand made ones.  Well I have sourced some hand made ones which I think are perfect.  I have just spent £28 on two of them and I am a happy bunny.

Now when I go to London on Saturday I can concentrate on chilling out and buying expensive chocolate.

Riding the waves

It is a while since I have had to ride the waves like I am doing now. I had a particularly bad week last week with my IBS kicking off in quite an epic way mixed in with numerous memories coming back which I would rather forget. It would appear that this was a warning for what was coming at the weekend.

I am very well versed in dealing with the raw pain and other emotions I get over my daughters deaths. Once I recognise what is happening I tend to ride the waves until things settle down and I can deal with any damage that has been caused. I must admit that it is a while since I have had to really deal with anything very intense.

Friday things started which again is nothing unusual and I went along with it. Saturday I post the following tweet on twitter.

"I wonder if I would have been a great father to my daughters"

At this point I am almost in tears. It is a while since I have felt pain like that. I spend most of Sunday hugging a duvet. This morning I felt even worse and wanted to spend the day curled under my duvet. I made the right decision to get up and go to work even though it took a mountain of effort.

Anyone who really knows me will be able to answer my tweet and I want to thank @ladyloki for her reply. I know the answer to that tweet but I can't get it through the pain. At the moment there is nothing I can do to stop this and I think trying to will just make matters worse. So I shall just have to ride the waves until it is over.

Covering Up

I am now at the point where my self harming has all but stopped, if it does happen then any damage is very minimal and at worst fades after a few days. It normally kicks off around my daughters birthday or if I am really stressed out about something.  I talk very openly about it on here, with my therapist and a very select few if they ask about it.  The days of me hurting myself as often as possible have long gone.  I will wear short sleeves unless I am told to cover up.

The thing is I am now at the point where I feel like I need to cover up more.  Not because I am going to be harming myself more but to protect myself.  There are a few scenarios where any visible signs of any damage would actually cause me more trouble that it is worth and I still firmly believe that I am judged on the basis of my scars rather than my achievements and who I really am.

If anything does happen then no one will notice and I can feel more confident and secure on a day to day basis.

I just need to go shopping now

Life lessons

I am going to make a statement tonight which will probably irritate a few people. Self harming is the quickest way of wrecking any chance of having a relationship with someone. No one wants to see scars on someone they might be attracted to, especially if it is obvious that they are self inflicted. This is even more so when a person is trying to punch above their weight and get someone who is way out of their league.

In my case I managed to spectacularly blow what slim chances I had of a full relationship with a lady who was well out of my league.  What made it worse in my case was I managed to do this after we had been together on one occasion.   Her comments although very hard and hurt were fair enough and I would even go as far as saying deserved in my case. I think with most people the alarm bells the alarms would go off when seeing self inflicted scars on someone they were attracted to. They were not caused by anything to do with her or any conversation we had. I have written about the cause of them in great depth on here.  I haven't pursued her since then.

It did teach me a good lesson in life, one that I am not planning on repeating if I am being honest. I still consider myself damaged goods and although I would love to be in a relationship, from what I can see that isn't going to happen anytime soon.   I am currently doing everything I can to become the person I know I can be and at that point I hope to be able to attract the right sort of lady who will accept me scars and all.

I still have a large amount of work to do but hope to get there sooner rather than later.

Not a happy bunny

Sometimes I find it very difficult to write what I am thinking in a blog post, this is one of those times as this post has been rewritten several times now. Partly because I am not happy with the way it has been written, partly because I am feeling quite delicate and finally because I am trying to avoid anymore hassle that I have already had.  I really can’t be bothered getting my socks sued off over something that should never happened in the first place.

I have a very specific rule when it comes to my daughters birthdays.  I choose a specific day before what would have been their birthday. On that day I walk into the city and spend time choosing the perfect card. Once I have bought the card I go home. I don’t do anything else as my one and only purpose is to buy the card. It is an incredibly hard thing to do and I do it on my own. I have been ferocious when people have tried to question or interfere with this. Yesterday I broke that rule and I am still feeling like a complete and utter shit for breaking that rule.

Normally I wouldn’t break this rule for anyone or anything but yesterday I did precisely that.  My voice had gone again which is a sign that I am stressed and that I need to do something about it.  I don’t want to be off work so yesterday my priority was to chill out and get my voice back so I can get back to work. The reason I was stressed and upset in the first place is that I am still unable to go to my daughters graves, this always gets worse around their birthdays but as per usual no one notices this. Before anyone asks there isn’t anything I can do to change this, I have tried!

I decided after about an hour of wandering about that I would buy the card for my youngest daughter who’s birthday is coming up shortly.  As I said the plan was to buy the card today as per normal on a special trip. I may have broken my rules on this but I haven’t forgotten her and that at this moment in time is the important thing.  I just have to write the card now.

I am still upset about not being able to go to my youngest daughters grave, I feel like a complete shit but my voice seems to be back.  When I am out and about I will cover up what is going on so that means everyone is happy apart from me. Nothing unusual there then.

Riots

I thought it was time for me to write a blog about the recent riots around the country. There is a huge amount of anger over the riots and I share that anger. I have personally seen first hand the results of what happens when things kick off and there is violent disorder. I very much believe in peoples rights and personally think the human rights act is a great law.  

Before anyone starts on me about being soft I am not.  I was personally calling for the police to use stronger tactics on rioters such as batons, dogs, water cannons and bringing in the army to restore order. If you are out causing destruction, wrecking peoples lives and generally being a complete idiot then as far as I am concerned you deserve to be on the business end of a police baton and I sincerely hope it hurts. You don’t deserve sympathy and you certainly won’t be getting any from me.

So the police do the deed and get the streets under control with my full support. We still have a huge amount of anger and the public making demands as to what should happen to these people. Not everyone rioting was someone on benefits, this is a cold hard fact. Justice needs to be swift, hard and importantly equal. There isn’t any excuse for rioting and in every single case regardless of the charge this is an aggravating factor which means any sentence will be increased to reflect this.  It is also a fact that if a person goes to prison and they are on benefits then they will loose them. Courts have to the power to take money out of benefits as they do with the wages of people who work.

I agree that people caught rioting should be punished and more importantly should pay for the damage they cause. I want these people to suffer for their crimes, they deserve to be punished and not one single person involved in the riots and civil unrest will get any sympathy from me. Do not under estimate just how much I hate these people!

Bearing in mind what I have just said am going to say something now which may surprise you.  I do not think it would be right to permanently stop peoples benefits, I am also not sure that evicting people from social housing will solve anything.  I genuinely think it would take a half decent solicitor about two minutes to get a court to reverse a government decision on permanently removing the benefits of a person convicted of a crime during the riots.  I could be wrong but I believe the solicitor would use the human rights act.

Now moving onto evicting people from social housing. I believe this would send a very strong message to stop people committing crimes in future, great fantastic!  However people are normally in social housing for a reason.  If a person is made homeless then the council has a legal obligation to house them. So throwing people onto the streets is a mute point if the council then has to re home them.

What I am about to suggest is in addition to any fine, prison sentence or community order.  We should make the criminal pay the value of the damage they cause.  For example someone damages a property causing £2500 worth of damage, then then steal £1000 worth of goods.  So in addition to any other punishment they have to pay back £3500.  We then take a certain amount out of the persons benefits/wages each week or month until every single penny is paid back.

If the crime also involves an attack on the person then the court puts a compensation value on the injuries such as £10 000. So in addition to any other punishment they have to pay back £10000 at a weekly/monthly rate until every single penny is paid back.  If a person gets a job then it comes out of their wages, likewise if they loose their jobs then the benefits get reduced.

There should be bailiffs with the power to force entry into property to recover goods if people do not pay. Likewise the bailiffs should have the power to refer people back to the courts for increased punishments if necessary.  If after this process has been exhausted then and only then should we completely stop peoples benefits, this should only be until the outstanding amount has been paid.  There should be measure in place to prevent people from going bankrupt to avoid paying the money back

fine/community service/prison + paying back the total value of the damage caused would really mean that the punishment fits the crime and everyone regardless of financial position pays the cost of their crimes.