Broken

It has been a while since my last blog so I thought I would post an update as to what is going on with me. If I could put it in one sentence i would say I am broken. I think the alarm bells went off when I had to self harm just to get through the day. I went into work on the Monday and got sent home, the same happened again on the Tuesday. I have been off work for just over a week now and can only describe myself as seriously wound up with no voice.

I am having some quite serious flashbacks now, these are new flashbacks that freak me out. I am getting even more wound up and feeling threatened when leaving the house, feeling very threatened in my house. When I am out I am having what can only be described as stress reactions. The flashback are happening several times a day. Oh and my sleeping pattern is shot, add in headaches and having to fight the urges to harm myself. The worst thing for me is that my trust levels get completely blown and I struggle to trust people that I would normally trust

You would be right if you said things are a mess at the moment. This is the worst that things have been for me and I am not sure how long it will take to fix me. By the way I feel tonight it could be a while before I am back on track and rocking along with the world. It is weird sitting here feeling very wound up, insecure, threatened and needing a hug when in a locked house on my own.

As per normal I am not looking for sympathy but wanted everyone to know what is going on with me. Normal service will be resumed when my mind allows it.

Angry

I have been thinking about if I should post this for a few days now, my frustration has been brewing up now and is at boiling point. I am angry, sorry make that really angry. I always thought that there would come a point where I would see myself as being fixed. Normal as in what society defines as normal anyway.

I have been through a huge amount over the last few years, most of it I haven't talked about and some of it I will never talk about. Some of the images I have in my mind are completely fucked up, images that I am going to have for the rest of my life. The images of my daughters dying in my arms I can cope with, it is the rest that are the really fucked up ones.

Now I accepted that there were and are going to be a fair number of people who are going to get away with what they have done to me. I accepted that I was going to carry a few mental and physical scars with my for the rest of my life. I did this on the basis that I would get to a point where I could live a socially defined "normal" life even with my rebellious and independent streak.

I went to my doctors the other day and it looks like I have PTSD, I am certainly suffering from hyper vigilance. I am going to end up on medication and the therapy I am having is going to continue indefinitely. I am going to have to make adjustment as the symptoms never fully go away. I have spent a huge amount of money on getting to this point on the basis that I would make a full recovery. I would get to the point where I would live a full life on my terms. This now doesn't appear to be the case, have I failed? It would appear so.

I don't want to be 80% or 90% recovered I want to be fully recovered. I want to be able to look back and say yes that was bad but I got passed it. I recovered and proved everyone wrong, those who have done so much to me didn't win. Do I continue fighting or do I give up and hope for the best?

Forgive my rambling today.

xx

Wobbly

I am in a bit of an unusual situation at the moment after my therapy session on Tuesday. We hit on some really raw things and I said that I felt weird when leaving the session. My mind literally went "fuck this" and is now going on a mega wobbly. It is one of those situations where it doesn't know how to deal with what has gone on. As I said on Tuesday I felt weird. Wednesday I just wanted to curl up in a ball under my duvet and hide in a dark corner, yesterday I started with mild mood swings and ended up having flashbacks whilst at work. Today pretty much I am heading the same way.

If I am being honest I really haven't got a clue how to deal with it. None of my usual methods have worked and I am trying to avoid using self harm as I think it is going to make matters 100 times worse. Before leaving the session my therapist told me to do something nice and treat myself, as most of you know when it comes to me I don't do nice. Normally me being nice to myself involves not punishing my body for the smallest thing or not ignoring my body as it squeals after I have burnt, bruised or cut myself.

I am open to suggestions as to how I can get this under control and how I can be nice to myself?

Staying Friends?

Most who know me will know that I had been seeing someone for about a month. Now she had split up with her husband and I was single so there wasn't anything wrong with that. She made it clear what she wanted and whilst I said no the first time, this time I didn't.

She has ended it and told me that she is going back to her husband. To be honest I was expecting this to happen as she spent a huge amount of time talking about him. I have previously been hurt quite badly by another woman in a similar situation, however I did go back every time she called even though I knew I would end up hurt and heartbroken.

This time I was more cautious and it seems I was right. I have told her that it won't be happening again but I am happy and want to remain friends. It seems she doesn't, I was her bit of fun, maybe even her dirty little fuck and now she has gone back to play the dutiful wife.

Am I wrong in thinking that two people can remain friends after having sex? Especially when on face value it appears that it wasn't serious. Can friends have sex without ruining the friendship?

I must admit that I am annoyed with her over the way she ended it but I will get over it. She may have been a bit evil the way she ended it but from what I can see she was being honest and the boundaries have been set so I can't see why we shouldn't remain friends.

I understand there are times that people should not remain friends after sex such as where there is abuse, complete breakdown of trust, cheating etc... Surely there are cases where it is possible or am I wrong?

Food

Living on my own the one thing I miss is homemade food. Food that has had love care and attention given to it, cooked to perfection. Yes I will cook for other people and make sure that I cook myself a half decent meal once a week but most of the time it is food out of a packet, with the odd occasional meal out. I also miss having a gas cooker as I find it easier to cook on them.

My grandma used to make the perfect chocolate cake and Sunday roasts. Her chocolate cakes were huge and so tasty that they could be sold. She was an expert when it came to making Yorkshire puddings and she knew how to cook the perfect fillet steak. Apple pies, crumbles you name it. She could make it and she never used a recipe book.

One day when I have a decent kitchen and great cooking equipment I will be able to get back to cooking fantastic food for family and friends.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the birthday of a lady who had an overwhelming impact on my life. I quite literally would have to spend the next month going through what she did. Her life was cut short far to early and my world became a darker place. I have a letter that I wrote to her which I will keep with me for the rest of my life.

I am at work all day tomorrow but will be having a very large drink for her after work. She would expect it.

Crying Inside

I think that is the best way to describe what is happening inside of me at the moment, not because I am feeling down or depressed but because of all of the abuse my body takes. A persons body will always respond to the environment or forces that impact on it in one way or another, think pleasure or pain. You push your body to far and it will howl in protest, normally through pain or it will switch off and you collapse.

A person who is abused may crawl into a corner and cry quietly to try and comfort themselves, they may hug a cushion or themselves. The one thing they know is that their abuser is going to ignore them. That is precisely what is happening to me now and I get this reaction every single time I hurt myself. I can cope with the pain and the release, I get round the mood crashes after I have hurt myself but this is something I can't really ignore.

I am such a perfectionist that I have spent a considerable amount of time choosing the perfect blade for me to cut with. My immediate reaction when someone made a joke comment the other day to me was I want to cut. This means I am now back at a dangerous place especially the way things are escalating. The reaction I get from my body is a hundred times worse than when I burn or do other things to myself. This means I am back at a rather dangerous point in my recovery. I didn't realise I had got back to this point until my therapist told me.

There is a part of me that wants to quietly go home and implode in a similar way to what I did in March 2009. I am not suicidal and have been making plans for the rest of the year and next year but that part of me wants to do a huge amount to show the world what is going on. Yes I miss my family and yes I want to be with them but that doesn't make me suicidal.

I think we can all agree that self harming isn't an attractive trait in anyone let alone me. Peoples reactions are normally very negative and I have lost allot of friends in the time I have been harming myself, some of them I still regret loosing. A huge amount of things have gone on this year and to be honest I have to hold my hand up and say I am at a bit of a loss as to what else I can do to finally stop this once and for all.