The other night I had what can only be described as an awesome dream that seemed to go on for hours. I was back in a time where I was living in my home city, in a house that I loved, in a job that was fantastic and I was surrounded by great friends and near the lady that I loved with all of my heart. I felt happy, contented and at peace which is something that I haven't felt for a very long time. Life was great, no life was amazing. I then woke up and was bought down to earth with an almighty bang.
I didn't just wobble after that, my mind decided it was time for a mini meltdown. Reality didn't just suck, it hurt in an obscene way. The flood gates open and I am not afraid to say that at one point I was fighting the urges to do some very serious things to myself. I was questioning reality and my mind was going at the speed of light. I was completely exhausted having to function normally when my mind had gone bang. It took a massive amount of energy but I managed with some help to get things back under control.
I am in a stronger place than I have been for a very long time and this may sound surprising but this mini meltdown may just have helped me in a really positive way. Some memories have come back that aren't bad, they are fantastic memories. Things that shouldn't have been pushed behind all the nasty stuff. Some of them a far to obscene to publish on here but they have helped me get a bit more focus back.
I am going back to Nottingham next week for the first time in over a year. I hope to see my natural mother and get some documents off her and maybe take another step to be reconciled with her. I will be seeing my dad briefly for a coffee but the rest of the time I will be making peace with what essentially is a great city. I am to go back at least once a month not just to see my parents but to see if I can relight a flame that I once had.
Friday, 29 October 2010
Friday, 22 October 2010
Please don't hurt me!
If you can't take me at my worst then you certainly don't deserve me at my very best. It is one of those quotes that are spot on in every way. If you are the sort of person who only wants to know me at my very best then I am afraid you are not the sort of person I want or need in my life.
If you want to know what I am like at my worst then flashbacks and self harming are a daily occurrence. I genuinely believe that the fact I am still breathing after my suicide attempt a complete failure. The thing is that when I am at my very worst 99.99% of people won’t see it. I have become very skilled at covering it up.
At my very best I am a passionate, focused, very loyal and driven. I am not the sort of person who spends his time in the lime light. I don’t need that sort of thing but even with my many faults I can always be relied on when it counts.
This brings me nicely onto the reason I have written todays blog, I really struggle to let people close to me and I struggle to tell people when there is a problem. There is a problem and I am hoping by writing this everyone will start to understand me and give me some support. Yes I am asking for support on something that is really delicate and makes me feel very threatened.
It the past some very bad things have happened which have shaped my opinions and views. I am straight, I love women in fact. I don’t have any issues with anyone who is gay, bi, trans gender or curious, the fact is I am not. I am comfortable with my sexuality. What has happened to me in the past repulses me and the thought of any man doing anything beyond giving me a hug quite frankly disgusts me as it isn’t who I am. It also makes me feel very threatened. In the past I have had people think that if they did things to me they would show me that men are not threatening. They think that perhaps it would cure me. They have got quite forceful over the issue with me. This had made matters worse and caused me more problems. I am no longer afraid to go to the police if someone forces me to do things against my will, I am also very open and honest with my therapist. Only recently have I been able to give another man a hug without having flashbacks and the urges to hurt myself. I am currently feeling threatened in my own home writing this.
I know that people get very frustrated with me when I don’t open up, tell people what is going on or that I don’t go out as often as I should. There are times that I want to go out and get paralytic, sit in the gutter and look up at the world but at the moment that isn’t going to happen. I prefer chilled out clubs when I can enjoy a drink, a good old flirt and listen to some great music.
Please bear with me as hopefully very soon everyone will be able to see the real me. The mad, funny, passionate, loyal, caring person. I will be at my very best.
If you want to know what I am like at my worst then flashbacks and self harming are a daily occurrence. I genuinely believe that the fact I am still breathing after my suicide attempt a complete failure. The thing is that when I am at my very worst 99.99% of people won’t see it. I have become very skilled at covering it up.
At my very best I am a passionate, focused, very loyal and driven. I am not the sort of person who spends his time in the lime light. I don’t need that sort of thing but even with my many faults I can always be relied on when it counts.
This brings me nicely onto the reason I have written todays blog, I really struggle to let people close to me and I struggle to tell people when there is a problem. There is a problem and I am hoping by writing this everyone will start to understand me and give me some support. Yes I am asking for support on something that is really delicate and makes me feel very threatened.
It the past some very bad things have happened which have shaped my opinions and views. I am straight, I love women in fact. I don’t have any issues with anyone who is gay, bi, trans gender or curious, the fact is I am not. I am comfortable with my sexuality. What has happened to me in the past repulses me and the thought of any man doing anything beyond giving me a hug quite frankly disgusts me as it isn’t who I am. It also makes me feel very threatened. In the past I have had people think that if they did things to me they would show me that men are not threatening. They think that perhaps it would cure me. They have got quite forceful over the issue with me. This had made matters worse and caused me more problems. I am no longer afraid to go to the police if someone forces me to do things against my will, I am also very open and honest with my therapist. Only recently have I been able to give another man a hug without having flashbacks and the urges to hurt myself. I am currently feeling threatened in my own home writing this.
I know that people get very frustrated with me when I don’t open up, tell people what is going on or that I don’t go out as often as I should. There are times that I want to go out and get paralytic, sit in the gutter and look up at the world but at the moment that isn’t going to happen. I prefer chilled out clubs when I can enjoy a drink, a good old flirt and listen to some great music.
Please bear with me as hopefully very soon everyone will be able to see the real me. The mad, funny, passionate, loyal, caring person. I will be at my very best.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Bang!
So the cuts have happened and I am still trying to work out what it means for me and for everybody. My initial thought is that if things go wrong and I need support from the state it isn’t going to happen.
Since the comprehensive spending review I have sent letters to my MP and the Prime Minister about the cuts. I have asked for reassurances about commitments made at and after the general election. I have called for increased funding in neonatal care, research into the prevention and care of premature babies and for support for parents who have lost babies. I have given an example of my local hospital that is appealing for £500,000 to for the neonatal intensive care unit. I also registered my protest at the cuts. I haven’t received a response from anyone which annoys the hell out of me.
I understand that there has to be cuts but there is something that is really getting my goat. We are in this mess because of the banks and specifically the money markets. We have bailed out the banks, the bankers are still receiving obscene bonuses and now it appears that the money markets are dictating the cuts. I may be wrong but it feels that a relatively small amount of people are holding the country to ransom.
Moving onto the statement and the cuts. I watched on TV and it really did sound like a large amount of MPs cheering the cuts. This was more than MPs showing support for the Chancellor and quite frankly it showed a huge amount of arrogance for the suffering that the vast majority will have to go through.
During the statement I was looking at specific areas that may or will directly impact me. The first being social welfare, previously I would have received limited support. Now it would appear that I will receive no support from the state. Next the NHS and it would appear that on face value it has been protected from the cuts, although there seems to be focus on specific areas. Lastly I looked at the arts and I was pleased to see that free entry to galleries and museums will be maintained, however other areas will be hammered. On a side note rail travel will get even more expensive which appears to go against every public transport and green policy.
Do I agree with the cuts? Do I think the cuts are fair? No I don’t agree with the cuts and firmly believe that they are far from fair. I have always been someone who uses targeted protesting and lobbying with my beliefs. This isn’t working, I know believe that the only way forward may be major mass protests. Dare I say it but now may be time for a general strike, something I would normally be against.
Since the comprehensive spending review I have sent letters to my MP and the Prime Minister about the cuts. I have asked for reassurances about commitments made at and after the general election. I have called for increased funding in neonatal care, research into the prevention and care of premature babies and for support for parents who have lost babies. I have given an example of my local hospital that is appealing for £500,000 to for the neonatal intensive care unit. I also registered my protest at the cuts. I haven’t received a response from anyone which annoys the hell out of me.
I understand that there has to be cuts but there is something that is really getting my goat. We are in this mess because of the banks and specifically the money markets. We have bailed out the banks, the bankers are still receiving obscene bonuses and now it appears that the money markets are dictating the cuts. I may be wrong but it feels that a relatively small amount of people are holding the country to ransom.
Moving onto the statement and the cuts. I watched on TV and it really did sound like a large amount of MPs cheering the cuts. This was more than MPs showing support for the Chancellor and quite frankly it showed a huge amount of arrogance for the suffering that the vast majority will have to go through.
During the statement I was looking at specific areas that may or will directly impact me. The first being social welfare, previously I would have received limited support. Now it would appear that I will receive no support from the state. Next the NHS and it would appear that on face value it has been protected from the cuts, although there seems to be focus on specific areas. Lastly I looked at the arts and I was pleased to see that free entry to galleries and museums will be maintained, however other areas will be hammered. On a side note rail travel will get even more expensive which appears to go against every public transport and green policy.
Do I agree with the cuts? Do I think the cuts are fair? No I don’t agree with the cuts and firmly believe that they are far from fair. I have always been someone who uses targeted protesting and lobbying with my beliefs. This isn’t working, I know believe that the only way forward may be major mass protests. Dare I say it but now may be time for a general strike, something I would normally be against.
Friday, 8 October 2010
It Hurts
I have already written in great detail about my ldaughters and the ways that I have dealt with my loss. There are times where I can talk about my daughters with an overwhelming amount of warmth and pride, there are times that all I feel is a very raw pain and other times where talking about them will normally result in me ending up in a complete mess.
Over the last few years I have learned to deal with the emotions around my loss and have come up with some effective coping methods when things do get very difficult. There are a few things that are still difficult for me and I have learned to accept them and treat myself when they happen. There are times when every time I turn around there is a pregnant women there and it starts to upset me.
There is one thing that really hurts me when it happens, it is subtile but very devastating to me. To me it is worse than any flashback, mood crash and physical pain combined. It is the thought “I should be doing that with my children” followed by an epic mood crash. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does it is like a nuclear missile going off inside of me. Over the last few years it has happened several times to me, normally when I am out and about. It happened on Wednesday night. I was thinking about Christmas and buying treats and then the thought crossed my mind about buying my daughters presents. Two days later I am just about back to a normal level for me. Unfortunately I can’t advertise it when it happens and at the moment I don’t have anyone I can ask for a hug when it happens.
Next week is National Baby Loss Awareness Week with Friday 15th being the main event day with things going on all over the country. I will be tweeting about it every day over the next week as it doesn't receive as much publicity as it should do. As per normal on the Friday I will be lighting candles for my daughters.
Over the last few years I have learned to deal with the emotions around my loss and have come up with some effective coping methods when things do get very difficult. There are a few things that are still difficult for me and I have learned to accept them and treat myself when they happen. There are times when every time I turn around there is a pregnant women there and it starts to upset me.
There is one thing that really hurts me when it happens, it is subtile but very devastating to me. To me it is worse than any flashback, mood crash and physical pain combined. It is the thought “I should be doing that with my children” followed by an epic mood crash. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does it is like a nuclear missile going off inside of me. Over the last few years it has happened several times to me, normally when I am out and about. It happened on Wednesday night. I was thinking about Christmas and buying treats and then the thought crossed my mind about buying my daughters presents. Two days later I am just about back to a normal level for me. Unfortunately I can’t advertise it when it happens and at the moment I don’t have anyone I can ask for a hug when it happens.
Next week is National Baby Loss Awareness Week with Friday 15th being the main event day with things going on all over the country. I will be tweeting about it every day over the next week as it doesn't receive as much publicity as it should do. As per normal on the Friday I will be lighting candles for my daughters.
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Benefits
I don’t pay my taxes to bail out the banks so they can then take the piss later on. I pay my taxes so we can have a safe infrastructure, effective emergency services, the country is able to defend itself, a decent NHS and that people who need support from the state can receive it.
It always makes me very nervous talking about benefits as previously I have had abuse and threats from people over it. Now I will be honest and say that I don’t know what it is like to live on benefits in the short or long term. I have claimed benefits for a total of 3 months over a period of 17 years. From what I have seen a life on benefits is not a good life, it is hard and gives you bare minimum you need to live on.
I have a question, how many people does it need to give a group of people a bad name? Very few I would say. Now I am only human at the end of the day and I genuinely believe the vast majority of people who are on benefits need to be on them. The problem I have is that some people don’t need to be on them, some people commit fraud and thanks to the news I see that there are people who appear to be refusing to look for a job because of the amount of benefits they receive. This annoys the hell out of me and makes me very resentful. Again before you jump down my throat I will point out that I am only human.
I do have another issue and that is MP’s and members of the House of Lords who don’t pay taxes in the UK or think nothing of claiming expenses who then dictate to the rest of us about benefits. Okay so thanks to the bankers and politicians the country is up to the eyeballs in debt and we need to pay for it so I have some suggestions.
If you live and work in the UK then you pay income tax on your earnings. None of this non dom status. People who have been using this to avoid paying taxes should pay all of the taxes they have avoided paying on top of any future taxes . Anyone who refuses should be barred from being in any form of government and subject to very serious punishment.
The punishments for tax avoidance and benefit fraud should be drastically increased. They should be banned from receiving any form of benefits until they have paid everything back. I would also suggest that they are prevented from using bankruptcy as a way of avoiding debts by either increasing the period of bankruptcy to 25 years or that tax and benefit debts be protected from bankruptcy.
Child benefit is something that everyone is entitled to regardless of wether you earn £5000 or £500000 a year. Likewise the more children you have the more you receive. This is wrong, very wrong and completely unfair. I believe that this benefit should be means tested and limited to say 2 or 3 children. If you earn £30000 and say that you rely on child benefit I would say that either you seriously need to look at your life style or you are being selfish.
Everyone who needs benefits should be able to get them but the system needs to be fair to everyone. To protect the most needy in society we have to make sure everyone pays their contribution. Those who abuse the system need making examples of and politicians need to take responsibility for their actions and stop attacking those who don’t agree with their very biased views.
It always makes me very nervous talking about benefits as previously I have had abuse and threats from people over it. Now I will be honest and say that I don’t know what it is like to live on benefits in the short or long term. I have claimed benefits for a total of 3 months over a period of 17 years. From what I have seen a life on benefits is not a good life, it is hard and gives you bare minimum you need to live on.
I have a question, how many people does it need to give a group of people a bad name? Very few I would say. Now I am only human at the end of the day and I genuinely believe the vast majority of people who are on benefits need to be on them. The problem I have is that some people don’t need to be on them, some people commit fraud and thanks to the news I see that there are people who appear to be refusing to look for a job because of the amount of benefits they receive. This annoys the hell out of me and makes me very resentful. Again before you jump down my throat I will point out that I am only human.
I do have another issue and that is MP’s and members of the House of Lords who don’t pay taxes in the UK or think nothing of claiming expenses who then dictate to the rest of us about benefits. Okay so thanks to the bankers and politicians the country is up to the eyeballs in debt and we need to pay for it so I have some suggestions.
If you live and work in the UK then you pay income tax on your earnings. None of this non dom status. People who have been using this to avoid paying taxes should pay all of the taxes they have avoided paying on top of any future taxes . Anyone who refuses should be barred from being in any form of government and subject to very serious punishment.
The punishments for tax avoidance and benefit fraud should be drastically increased. They should be banned from receiving any form of benefits until they have paid everything back. I would also suggest that they are prevented from using bankruptcy as a way of avoiding debts by either increasing the period of bankruptcy to 25 years or that tax and benefit debts be protected from bankruptcy.
Child benefit is something that everyone is entitled to regardless of wether you earn £5000 or £500000 a year. Likewise the more children you have the more you receive. This is wrong, very wrong and completely unfair. I believe that this benefit should be means tested and limited to say 2 or 3 children. If you earn £30000 and say that you rely on child benefit I would say that either you seriously need to look at your life style or you are being selfish.
Everyone who needs benefits should be able to get them but the system needs to be fair to everyone. To protect the most needy in society we have to make sure everyone pays their contribution. Those who abuse the system need making examples of and politicians need to take responsibility for their actions and stop attacking those who don’t agree with their very biased views.
Friday, 24 September 2010
Death Penalty
I will keep on saying this until I am blue in the face and the cows have come home, the death penalty is wrong. I don’t care how a country carries it out wether it is lethal injection, electrocution, hanging, stoning or a bullet in the head. It is wrong! This isn’t about me being pro life, this is about morals and standards.
I also question the need to have numerous witnesses including the media there to watch the execution. I always thought that going to court and watching a criminal being convicted and sentenced was to show that justice had been served. Why then do we need to have the victims family there at the execution? It can’t be to see that justice is served or the prison system would be open to any and all visitors so they could check that the people convicted are actually in prison. A morbid curiosity? quite possibly. Could it be closure? Again quite possibly but executing someone does not bring the original victim back, I don’t believe for one minute it ends any pain or grief. Someone needs to explain the logic of this to me.
I do not believe there is any faith or religion that has ever existed that says it is okay to kill another person. If you actually believe that an eye for an eye is an acceptable form of justice. Then you have no right to preach against others who fall far below the acceptable level of human rights that everyone is entitled to.
Yes the person being executed does suffer, I agree that this may not be anywhere close to the suffering of their victims. We can start with the build up to the execution which can take years, the final meal (something else I can’t work out), being taken into the death chamber followed by the process of execution. Death isn’t always instant and you can’t expect me to believe that there isn’t any pain involved.
I am not here to preach forgiveness, it is a great person who can truly forgive another for taking a loved ones life. I just think that as we approach 2011 there isn’t a place in this world for the death penalty, there are numerous other ways that justice can be served.
I also question the need to have numerous witnesses including the media there to watch the execution. I always thought that going to court and watching a criminal being convicted and sentenced was to show that justice had been served. Why then do we need to have the victims family there at the execution? It can’t be to see that justice is served or the prison system would be open to any and all visitors so they could check that the people convicted are actually in prison. A morbid curiosity? quite possibly. Could it be closure? Again quite possibly but executing someone does not bring the original victim back, I don’t believe for one minute it ends any pain or grief. Someone needs to explain the logic of this to me.
I do not believe there is any faith or religion that has ever existed that says it is okay to kill another person. If you actually believe that an eye for an eye is an acceptable form of justice. Then you have no right to preach against others who fall far below the acceptable level of human rights that everyone is entitled to.
Yes the person being executed does suffer, I agree that this may not be anywhere close to the suffering of their victims. We can start with the build up to the execution which can take years, the final meal (something else I can’t work out), being taken into the death chamber followed by the process of execution. Death isn’t always instant and you can’t expect me to believe that there isn’t any pain involved.
I am not here to preach forgiveness, it is a great person who can truly forgive another for taking a loved ones life. I just think that as we approach 2011 there isn’t a place in this world for the death penalty, there are numerous other ways that justice can be served.
Thursday, 16 September 2010
The Pope's visit to the UK
Today sees the first state visit to the United Kingdom and the the first visit by a pope in 28 years. The Pope has been invited by her majesty so it is a state visit, he is also here as the head of the Catholic church. The Holy Father will be here for four days and will be visiting Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Birmingham.
Whilst I may be struggling with my faith I consider myself a progressive Catholic. I believe that faiths and religion can be a part of society but it needs to be part of a progressive society. I do find solace and some peace within the church at times but I do differ and at times I am very strongly against some of the views and teachings of the church. Contraception is one point where I just can’t agree with the Church. It isn’t wrong to use contraception and never will be, I would rather someone use the pill or another form of contraception than bring an unwanted child into the world.
I have been and continue to be very frustrated with the way the church has been dealing with cases of abuse by priests. I really wish they would be very decisive and take more action against these priests. The Holy Father apologising and meeting victims of abuse to understand their suffering is not enough, people need to see action. This all over shadows the good the Catholic Church does do around the world. People will only see the negative, especially when action is either non existent or very slow to occur. Likewise I wish some of the senior clergy would keep their views about this country to themselves.
I do have very mixed views about this state visit by the Holy Father, and like it or not it is a state visit. In times of very savage spending cuts I wonder if the state can afford to pay the twelve million pounds it is paying towards this visit. We are all paying for something that is only going to benefit a few. I can’t remember any other state visit which involved the invited person touring the country and only a brief amount of time with her majesty. As I have previously said the Catholic Church does have views and teachings which are very much out of touch with today’s society. As this is a state visit are these views then reinforced?
As a Catholic I am delighted that the Holy Father is visiting the United Kingdom and I hope that his visit does in a very small part start to heal the gaping wounds left by the abuse scandal. If this is part of the reason for his visit then I would strongly suggest that the Holy Father needs to visit Ireland as a matter of priority. I hope his visit does bring people together and personally I would have liked to have been at one of the masses.
I have so far watched the start of his visit via the BBC news website and was left feeling distinctly underwhelmed by it. Yes there were crowds but not nearly as much as I believe people were anticipating. This may change at the weekend and we may see far bigger crowds in London, I am really not sure though.
Whilst I may be struggling with my faith I consider myself a progressive Catholic. I believe that faiths and religion can be a part of society but it needs to be part of a progressive society. I do find solace and some peace within the church at times but I do differ and at times I am very strongly against some of the views and teachings of the church. Contraception is one point where I just can’t agree with the Church. It isn’t wrong to use contraception and never will be, I would rather someone use the pill or another form of contraception than bring an unwanted child into the world.
I have been and continue to be very frustrated with the way the church has been dealing with cases of abuse by priests. I really wish they would be very decisive and take more action against these priests. The Holy Father apologising and meeting victims of abuse to understand their suffering is not enough, people need to see action. This all over shadows the good the Catholic Church does do around the world. People will only see the negative, especially when action is either non existent or very slow to occur. Likewise I wish some of the senior clergy would keep their views about this country to themselves.
I do have very mixed views about this state visit by the Holy Father, and like it or not it is a state visit. In times of very savage spending cuts I wonder if the state can afford to pay the twelve million pounds it is paying towards this visit. We are all paying for something that is only going to benefit a few. I can’t remember any other state visit which involved the invited person touring the country and only a brief amount of time with her majesty. As I have previously said the Catholic Church does have views and teachings which are very much out of touch with today’s society. As this is a state visit are these views then reinforced?
As a Catholic I am delighted that the Holy Father is visiting the United Kingdom and I hope that his visit does in a very small part start to heal the gaping wounds left by the abuse scandal. If this is part of the reason for his visit then I would strongly suggest that the Holy Father needs to visit Ireland as a matter of priority. I hope his visit does bring people together and personally I would have liked to have been at one of the masses.
I have so far watched the start of his visit via the BBC news website and was left feeling distinctly underwhelmed by it. Yes there were crowds but not nearly as much as I believe people were anticipating. This may change at the weekend and we may see far bigger crowds in London, I am really not sure though.
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