Not a happy bunny

Sometimes I find it very difficult to write what I am thinking in a blog post, this is one of those times as this post has been rewritten several times now. Partly because I am not happy with the way it has been written, partly because I am feeling quite delicate and finally because I am trying to avoid anymore hassle that I have already had.  I really can’t be bothered getting my socks sued off over something that should never happened in the first place.

I have a very specific rule when it comes to my daughters birthdays.  I choose a specific day before what would have been their birthday. On that day I walk into the city and spend time choosing the perfect card. Once I have bought the card I go home. I don’t do anything else as my one and only purpose is to buy the card. It is an incredibly hard thing to do and I do it on my own. I have been ferocious when people have tried to question or interfere with this. Yesterday I broke that rule and I am still feeling like a complete and utter shit for breaking that rule.

Normally I wouldn’t break this rule for anyone or anything but yesterday I did precisely that.  My voice had gone again which is a sign that I am stressed and that I need to do something about it.  I don’t want to be off work so yesterday my priority was to chill out and get my voice back so I can get back to work. The reason I was stressed and upset in the first place is that I am still unable to go to my daughters graves, this always gets worse around their birthdays but as per usual no one notices this. Before anyone asks there isn’t anything I can do to change this, I have tried!

I decided after about an hour of wandering about that I would buy the card for my youngest daughter who’s birthday is coming up shortly.  As I said the plan was to buy the card today as per normal on a special trip. I may have broken my rules on this but I haven’t forgotten her and that at this moment in time is the important thing.  I just have to write the card now.

I am still upset about not being able to go to my youngest daughters grave, I feel like a complete shit but my voice seems to be back.  When I am out and about I will cover up what is going on so that means everyone is happy apart from me. Nothing unusual there then.

Riots

I thought it was time for me to write a blog about the recent riots around the country. There is a huge amount of anger over the riots and I share that anger. I have personally seen first hand the results of what happens when things kick off and there is violent disorder. I very much believe in peoples rights and personally think the human rights act is a great law.  

Before anyone starts on me about being soft I am not.  I was personally calling for the police to use stronger tactics on rioters such as batons, dogs, water cannons and bringing in the army to restore order. If you are out causing destruction, wrecking peoples lives and generally being a complete idiot then as far as I am concerned you deserve to be on the business end of a police baton and I sincerely hope it hurts. You don’t deserve sympathy and you certainly won’t be getting any from me.

So the police do the deed and get the streets under control with my full support. We still have a huge amount of anger and the public making demands as to what should happen to these people. Not everyone rioting was someone on benefits, this is a cold hard fact. Justice needs to be swift, hard and importantly equal. There isn’t any excuse for rioting and in every single case regardless of the charge this is an aggravating factor which means any sentence will be increased to reflect this.  It is also a fact that if a person goes to prison and they are on benefits then they will loose them. Courts have to the power to take money out of benefits as they do with the wages of people who work.

I agree that people caught rioting should be punished and more importantly should pay for the damage they cause. I want these people to suffer for their crimes, they deserve to be punished and not one single person involved in the riots and civil unrest will get any sympathy from me. Do not under estimate just how much I hate these people!

Bearing in mind what I have just said am going to say something now which may surprise you.  I do not think it would be right to permanently stop peoples benefits, I am also not sure that evicting people from social housing will solve anything.  I genuinely think it would take a half decent solicitor about two minutes to get a court to reverse a government decision on permanently removing the benefits of a person convicted of a crime during the riots.  I could be wrong but I believe the solicitor would use the human rights act.

Now moving onto evicting people from social housing. I believe this would send a very strong message to stop people committing crimes in future, great fantastic!  However people are normally in social housing for a reason.  If a person is made homeless then the council has a legal obligation to house them. So throwing people onto the streets is a mute point if the council then has to re home them.

What I am about to suggest is in addition to any fine, prison sentence or community order.  We should make the criminal pay the value of the damage they cause.  For example someone damages a property causing £2500 worth of damage, then then steal £1000 worth of goods.  So in addition to any other punishment they have to pay back £3500.  We then take a certain amount out of the persons benefits/wages each week or month until every single penny is paid back.

If the crime also involves an attack on the person then the court puts a compensation value on the injuries such as £10 000. So in addition to any other punishment they have to pay back £10000 at a weekly/monthly rate until every single penny is paid back.  If a person gets a job then it comes out of their wages, likewise if they loose their jobs then the benefits get reduced.

There should be bailiffs with the power to force entry into property to recover goods if people do not pay. Likewise the bailiffs should have the power to refer people back to the courts for increased punishments if necessary.  If after this process has been exhausted then and only then should we completely stop peoples benefits, this should only be until the outstanding amount has been paid.  There should be measure in place to prevent people from going bankrupt to avoid paying the money back

fine/community service/prison + paying back the total value of the damage caused would really mean that the punishment fits the crime and everyone regardless of financial position pays the cost of their crimes.  

A message to all charities.

Times are hard, we all know this.  There are very few people who aren’t affected by the recession and credit crunch. The people who aren’t impacted by the credit crunch and recession are the very rich, politicians and senior members of the royal family. These people can afford to give to charity at will.  The rest of us I am afraid can’t.

I notice that charities and organisations have changed their approach in recent months and years.  Emotional adverts on TV, people stopping you in the street, leaflets through the mail, people knocking on doors, collections in numerous places, major TV appeals and clothing collections.  You name it, charities now do it. We know you are all getting more and more assertive to get our support and money.

Now we are all generous and will reach into our pockets in times of emergency. You know this and we know this, however there is a limit.  The cost of living is ever increasing and we are being taxed more and more which means that there is less money spare to give to charities.  It doesn’t matter how worthy your cause is, it doesn’t matter how in focus your cause is. If the money isn’t there we can give it to you.  Feeling warm and fuzzy for a few minutes or easing guilt doesn’t put food on the table. Emotional blackmail doesn’t change that fact.

As your approach has changed so have the way I give to charity.  Like it or not this is a fact of life, not just for me but for many other people.  Knocking on my door or stopping me in the street asking for monthly donations just result in rejection.  I have charities that are at the top of my list to support. These are charities that I have a personal connection to or have supported me.  After this I will always try and give to collections at work or sponsor friends but this isn’t guaranteed. This leaves very little money left for any other charities. Again this is a fact of life and I don’t believe it will change any time soon.

If it comes to the point that I am able to give a reasonable amount of money to charity then it will be on the following basis. Charities that I have a personal connection with,  charities that have a visible local impact and then charities that are suggested to me. With any charity that I support I do check just how much of their income is used on charitable activities and how much is used on admin and paying for wages etc. Like everyone I want as much of my donation as possible to be used on charitable activities.

Food

Something is wrong, very very wrong and it is starting to really piss me off.  It is about food and people going hungry and in some cases having to starve themselves to ensure their families get food.  I am not talking about the current famine and major crisis in Africa, although I will come to that very shortly.  I am talking about here in the UK and Ireland.

Now last time I checked the UK and Ireland were not third world countries and looking around food shops you will see that their shelves are fully stocked so we are not short of food. There is nothing on the news about a food crisis and unless I have missed something fairly major we do not have food rationing in either of these countries. Yet people are going without food or relying on free food hand outs to ensure they get a meal.

When there is a famine in Africa we all reach in out pockets and donate money to help get them food. Our governments once they get their act together normally use some of our money to send aid. Quite rightly so I might add, no one wants to see a starving child. The question I have is what exactly do our governments do to stop people going hungry in their own countries? Do the governments actually know the scale of the problem?  It is no good trying to fix the world if you then can’t put food on your own table. The feel good factor doesn’t control hunger.  

The British government is happy to pump huge amounts of money into the banks. Give massive amounts of money to nuclear armed nations in aid and use vast amounts of money to start wars yet we have people in this country who either go without food or rely on free food handouts. We really do need to get out priorities right here, don’t we?  I am not saying don’t give aid to other countries I am just saying that there needs to be a massive reality check.  A governments priority should be the population of their own country.

I genuinely believe that the situation is worse in Ireland and it breaks my heart to see it.  There is a government that is hammering the population until they squeal then pushing them even further because of the mistakes, bad practices and in some cases criminal activities of a few.  

Prices are continually going up, taxes are being increased which means everyone has less and less money to put food on the table.  I have seen the price of food go up by 10 to 20% in some cases, utility bills are ever increasing so is it a wonder people are having to resort to going without food or relying on handouts?

Isn't food a basic human right?  It certainly on the base of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Why are politicians ignoring this?  Why are people being let down so badly? 

Replay.

I have decided to blog as decent sleep doesn't seem to be an option for me tonight, although saying that I am really not sure what a decent nights sleep is. Answers on a postcard to me!  Even more of a challenge is trying to get my head around events that happened almost 6 years on the dot. I am not talking about my family but a friend called Amy.

There is nothing and no one who can prepare you for the images that are scorched into my mind and that have been on almost constant replay for around 12 hours now. Images that to be honest no one should have to see.  I was never trained or qualified to deal with the situation that I walked into, especially with it being someone I knew.  That night should never have happened. I will admit there are times that I still get angry with Amy.  I don't blame Amy but I still get angry. I get even more angry with those people responsible for her death. It was a needless death, it was a tragedy that should not have happened.

There is so much more I could talk about but now is not the time. I am hurting quite badly and have to get through a days work tomorrow so finally I just want to say.

Rest in peace Amy  xx

Monday meltdown

There is nothing quote like an epic brain fart, aka a flashback to ruin your Monday.  It is my first day back to work after three weeks off and I was hoping to throw myself back into work with my usual gusto. I am not afraid to admit that I was looking forward to going into work. It may not be my perfect job but the company (my team) is great.

On Saturday my brain kicked off in quite spectacular way as I was on my way to buy some food. I managed to get it back under control until I got home. Saturday night got a bit messy and the bruising on my arm will testify to that. Sunday it felt like I had finally got things back under control and all I had to do was be nice to myself until I can get to see my therapist on Wednesday.

That brings us swifty onto this morning. Raring to go I headed into the city to do some shopping and I have the same flashback as I did on Saturday with a little bit more intensity.  My voice has gone and quite frankly I feel rather rubbish now. Yes this big burly bloke is feeling crap and needs a hug.  I can't tell my colleagues about it because it really isn't appropraite to talk about at work. 

The challenge I have now is to get through the rest of my shift and play nicely tonight when I get home. With everything that is going on it is probably a little bit unfair inflicting pain and abuse on myself over something that I can't control. 

brief update

When dealing with March it is one day that I know is going to be exceptionally hard for me.  The build up can be a right mare, the day itself is horrible and it can take me a fair while for me to chill out afterwards. Now moving to this time of the year it turns into an endurance of the worst possible kind.

In July we have what would have been my wife's birthday and Amy's anniversary, then we toddle off into August where it would have been my youngest daughters birthday which is also her anniversary. 

Oh and just to top everything a huge amount of memories of things that have happened to me in the distant past have come back in the most full on way.  Woe is me and all that? err no actually. I don't want or need sympathy.

Just wanted to let everyone know what is going on.