Routine

A couple of days I was thinking about my family, especially my daughters and I was bursting with pride. It is am amazing experience having rock solid pride rather than heartbreaking sorrow. I miss my family and think about them on a daily basis, there was so much I wanted to do with them.

Since Friday I have been feeling sorrowful, a bit down and most definitely missing my family. I am alone in the darkness of this world and it is scary. Hot chocolate comforts me but what I really need is a hug, a proper hug. Something that kicks through the bull shit my brain is creating. Even feeling like this I am able to function normally and carry out my normal daily activities. I am no where near the position I was in before my suicide attempts in 2009. It hurts and regardless of what people say, time does not heal the loss. It makes it easier for 90% of the time and enables you to live with the loss.

In March it will be 5 years since I lost my eldest daughter and wife. I have said before that I bonded with my eldest daughter before she died, in fact I can tell you the exact moment it happened. I had decided what i was going to do to mark such a major event in my life this year and for future years, it took a huge amount to come up with something that was perfect for the occasion. The thing is that what I wanted to do is something that should be shared. It was a dream that I wanted to share with my wife. There is only one person on this planet that I would consider sharing something so personal with. For reasons out of my control I am not going to be able share this with her, I don’t want to do it on my own. So this year I am not going to be able to do what I planned.

Now I haven’t got a clue what I am going to do and this really isn’t helping. The reason I have to plan ahead with anniversaries is that when I get it wrong, it gets very messy and at times dangerous for me. It is the price of being a bit of a perfectionist and loosing such significant people out of my life.