It has been several weeks since I did any damage to myself, I got through Christmas and New Year without resorting to self harm. I am happy with myself and hoping that I can continue this streak well into this year.
I am going to admit that I am having to put up a fight at the moment to prevent any damage and continue the positive start that I have had to this year. My therapist calls them negative thoughts, I call it provoking myself. The logical part of me agrees they are negative and the thoughts I am having are untrue. For the most part I can challenge and stamp on them but the part of me that feeds the addiction I am trying to break keeps on pushing them. The silly thing is that if another person said anything close to what my brain is saying I would go ballistic.
I am now going to say it on here so it is in black and white. I DID NOT FAIL MY DAUGHTERS!!! It is only my brain disputing this, no one else. They could not be saved. I did everything I could for them. I can't perform miracles and no there wasn't anything anyone could do that would have saved their lives. I gave them everything they needed.
I now have the huge task of hiding what I am really feeling before I get to work.
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