Today I took another step to fulfilling my new years resolution of doubling the amount of money I give to charity. I have now doubled the monthly donation I give to SANDS through payroll giving. I know that we are not talking about huge amount of money but the important thing is that I am increasing the amount I give. These charitable donations exclude anything I give to the church and any purchases through shops etc.
My aim is to give a minimum of 2% of my gross annual income to charity each year for the rest of my working life. This may not sound like a huge amount but bear in mind the exclusions I have, if you include purchases from charity shops and any money I give through church then the figure drastically increases.
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Update
I haven't been a happy bunny for a few weeks now, at times I have been pouring out the anger. I have ranged from Melancholy to exploding with anger. It has been tiring just trying to keep up with myself at times. This has needed to happen and I believe will help me in the long term, it has shown me what I need to deal with next and how well I am coping at the moment. (a bit of a contradiction to what I wrote yesterday, bear with me though)
I have written in detail recently about my friend Amy. Things are messy, a massive amount of emotions and I still have a huge amount of questions that need answering. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. I know that there are somethings that will never be resolved and some things that just can't be fixed. I have made the right decision to move the focus away from her to ease pressure on me. As I am dealing with this on my own I have to do it at my own pace, this isn't me stamping down on it.
As I have previously said there are some things that will never be resolved, some things will never be fixed and I am not sure how long it will take me to deal with what I can. There isn't really much more I can say at the moment as I am not sure how this is going to progress.
I have written in detail recently about my friend Amy. Things are messy, a massive amount of emotions and I still have a huge amount of questions that need answering. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. I know that there are somethings that will never be resolved and some things that just can't be fixed. I have made the right decision to move the focus away from her to ease pressure on me. As I am dealing with this on my own I have to do it at my own pace, this isn't me stamping down on it.
As I have previously said there are some things that will never be resolved, some things will never be fixed and I am not sure how long it will take me to deal with what I can. There isn't really much more I can say at the moment as I am not sure how this is going to progress.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
I can't cope
Yet again I am having to move the focus away from dealing with my friends death. I have tried openly talking about Amy before but ended up stamping things down because I couldn't cope with the emotions and it felt like people were turning on me. This time I have tried dealing with it on my own, whilst I have made a tiny amount of progress I have got to the point again where I can't cope. I don't want to get to the point where I end up turning on myself over this, I have done enough damage to myself already.
I am angry with Amy, I understand she had been attacked but she didn't need to hang herself. She didn't need to do it the way she did it! She could have phoned us, she could have phoned an ambulance or the police, she could have gone to a neighbour! No she chooses to hang herself knowing full well that it would have been me or my other half would find her. This may sound like I am being nasty but it is the way that I really feel at the moment.
The other issue that I have is that I have daily reminders of what happened with Amy. There are more triggers that set off flashbacks and I feel very pressured to fix everything and move on.
I am angry with Amy, I understand she had been attacked but she didn't need to hang herself. She didn't need to do it the way she did it! She could have phoned us, she could have phoned an ambulance or the police, she could have gone to a neighbour! No she chooses to hang herself knowing full well that it would have been me or my other half would find her. This may sound like I am being nasty but it is the way that I really feel at the moment.
The other issue that I have is that I have daily reminders of what happened with Amy. There are more triggers that set off flashbacks and I feel very pressured to fix everything and move on.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Birthdays
I want to talk about my daughters and their birthdays. I have spoken in great depth about the raw pain, how it devastates me and how it reduces me to tears. It is something that I only express in the privacy of my own home.
Twice a year on the run up to their birthdays I do something completely different. I deliberately allow the pain and emotion to take over me. I accept, embrace and ride the tidal wave. It is something that I need to do. I walk into the city and spend time choosing the perfect birthday card for them. It is a public show of strength which shows my daughters that I still love them and will NEVER forget them. It is heartbreaking, it hurts, it is a journey that I have to do on my own. It is a journey that makes me stronger.
Always loved, never forgotten. xx
Twice a year on the run up to their birthdays I do something completely different. I deliberately allow the pain and emotion to take over me. I accept, embrace and ride the tidal wave. It is something that I need to do. I walk into the city and spend time choosing the perfect birthday card for them. It is a public show of strength which shows my daughters that I still love them and will NEVER forget them. It is heartbreaking, it hurts, it is a journey that I have to do on my own. It is a journey that makes me stronger.
Always loved, never forgotten. xx
Monday, 2 May 2011
Venting
It has been a very long time since I have really cut myself now. I miss the cold blade in my arm, the warmth of the blood as it pours down my arm and seeing just how much pain I could take. When I cut myself I was able to bring out all the pain, horror, hurt, sorrow and grief in the form of a pure understandable rage. I miss the release that only cutting brings. Yes I have the urges at the moment. They aren't the overwhelming urges but the subtle suggestive type.
I always believed that I would be eventually be in a place where I could retrain as a first aider and resume voluntary work. The fear of a repeat of a situation similar to Amy still plays on my mind. The way I have been and continue to be punished by people for doing the right thing. The way that we suffered and in my case continue to have serious issues over that night would prevent me carrying out my duties as a first aider, it would prevent me from doing the right thing. The first aid skills that I have will only ever be used for treating me if I need it. In others words I will never do what I did that night again, self preservation will override the desire to help and to do the right thing. <--- Saying this makes me feel like a complete failure.
It has now been over a year since I was in Ireland this Irritates me. Money is going to be very tight for the next few months which frustrates me as I could really do with a day out of Norwich. I need a hug but don't have the confidence to ask anyone at the moment, self injuring makes that worse. It is even more bizarre after the weekend I have just had. I am concerned about my arm and wrist as I am getting pins and needles again. I feel like I am being ignored by people who should notice me. I constantly tired after eating and I am concerned about work.
I always believed that I would be eventually be in a place where I could retrain as a first aider and resume voluntary work. The fear of a repeat of a situation similar to Amy still plays on my mind. The way I have been and continue to be punished by people for doing the right thing. The way that we suffered and in my case continue to have serious issues over that night would prevent me carrying out my duties as a first aider, it would prevent me from doing the right thing. The first aid skills that I have will only ever be used for treating me if I need it. In others words I will never do what I did that night again, self preservation will override the desire to help and to do the right thing. <--- Saying this makes me feel like a complete failure.
It has now been over a year since I was in Ireland this Irritates me. Money is going to be very tight for the next few months which frustrates me as I could really do with a day out of Norwich. I need a hug but don't have the confidence to ask anyone at the moment, self injuring makes that worse. It is even more bizarre after the weekend I have just had. I am concerned about my arm and wrist as I am getting pins and needles again. I feel like I am being ignored by people who should notice me. I constantly tired after eating and I am concerned about work.
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
What is attention seeking?
I hate the phrase attention seeker almost as much as the label of self harmer, both are very negative labels and normally if you are branded as a self harmer then the label of attention seeker normally follows fairly quickly afterwards. I have personally been branded with the self harmer label and very rarely the attention seeker label. What exactly is an attention seeker? You may not like this but every single one of us is an attention seeker in one form or another. Unless we are completely socially isolated then we spend most of our lives seeking attention in some form or another. The list of ways we seek attention goes on and on. Even with this we still label certain people 'attention seekers' I know I go out of my way to avoid being labelled with it again.
Yes I resort to self injury at times but I would argue that I am not an attention seeker. I certainly don't go shouting it around after I have injured myself. I don't do self pity as I consider it a sign of weakness and a failure on my part. I certainly don't go looking for sympathy or pity from others, for me to try something like that after injuring myself would border on offensive so that just doesn't happen, never have and never will do. On the rare occasion I do anything serious I will carry on as normal afterwards and only get medical help if I am unable to cope with my injuries. I currently have fairly extensive bruising on my arm after a major blip at the weekend and yet I haven't told anyone outside of this blog the extent of my injuries, the reason it happened or anything else. My arm is covered so it doesn't attract attention, I have told those who have asked that I had a bad weekend and nothing else. I will treat my arm myself, deal with the issues that caused it on my own and move on. Yet even with all of this, some people would assume to brand me as an attention seeker.
If anyone could explain that to me I would appreciate it.
Yes I resort to self injury at times but I would argue that I am not an attention seeker. I certainly don't go shouting it around after I have injured myself. I don't do self pity as I consider it a sign of weakness and a failure on my part. I certainly don't go looking for sympathy or pity from others, for me to try something like that after injuring myself would border on offensive so that just doesn't happen, never have and never will do. On the rare occasion I do anything serious I will carry on as normal afterwards and only get medical help if I am unable to cope with my injuries. I currently have fairly extensive bruising on my arm after a major blip at the weekend and yet I haven't told anyone outside of this blog the extent of my injuries, the reason it happened or anything else. My arm is covered so it doesn't attract attention, I have told those who have asked that I had a bad weekend and nothing else. I will treat my arm myself, deal with the issues that caused it on my own and move on. Yet even with all of this, some people would assume to brand me as an attention seeker.
If anyone could explain that to me I would appreciate it.
Saturday, 23 April 2011
A message for people who think they know me better than I know myself.
Asking for a hug.
Extreme fun.
My personal pain.
My weekly focus.
The letter.
If you think that you are close to me then please read the above. They are in order of how personal they are to me and how much I protect them. If you are really close to me then you will know what I am talking about here. There are people who think they are really close to me and that they know me better than I know myself. This is to prove them wrong! Just because I open up and let you closer to me doesn't mean you know me better than I know myself.
Rant over!
Extreme fun.
My personal pain.
My weekly focus.
The letter.
If you think that you are close to me then please read the above. They are in order of how personal they are to me and how much I protect them. If you are really close to me then you will know what I am talking about here. There are people who think they are really close to me and that they know me better than I know myself. This is to prove them wrong! Just because I open up and let you closer to me doesn't mean you know me better than I know myself.
Rant over!
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