Eek!

Situation, I had what can only be described as a good time in London on 8th March and now I hate myself even more. This in itself is an achievement in both cases but the later is where I have a major problem. I hate myself but I haven't got a clue what to do about it.

Most people will tell you that you learn to live with the pain but when it comes around to the anniversaries  it isn't about coping, it is about surviving and preferably intact. My brain for some unknown reason also decided it was time to repair the huge amount of damage also caused by numerous events.  This year I knew that if I stopped at home I was going to be bang in trouble. I am not suicidal but quite simply had I stopped at home I would have made a mess that would have taken a large amount of time to clear up. I would have fucked myself over in a way that only I could have done.

Now on top of that it had come to the point that I needed to properly reward myself for surviving, the things I have done, my achievements and for being me. So I toddled off to London for a few days. I ate good and at times stunning food, I shopped and treated myself, I went to the opera. March 7th I knew that I had made the right decision and on March 8th after going to Westminster Cathedral I didn't allow myself to stop.  I threw everything I had at myself in only the best possible way, the only way that would have improved it was for someone to share it with me.

Getting home on Friday I realised that I had done what I needed to do and I had a good time.  My next thought was fuck!  Now what do I do with myself. I am not allowed a good time!  My self hatred has gone to a whole new level, I had no one to turn to. 

Yes I have calmed things down but I still haven't resolved the problem I have.  Due to the numerous events over the last several years I am fully able to deal with things when they go wrong, emergencies, disasters and the very worst in people.  I still haven't mastered how to deal with things when they go well. I get thrown when people pay me compliments so when things go really well I go into meltdown which appears to be happening now.

Shut up!

Thursday night I had the pleasure of going to Aida at the Royal Albert Hall for the second time, well technically the third time. It is a long story but needless to say the company I had saved the evening from being completely ruined. Now in my case every so often I have to take some time out and go get my mind some of the best culture that is on offer. In other words I have to do something to prevent a full on meltdown. This means that I am going to spend money to get what I need.

As I fully expected the performance of Aida was top notch and everything I expected from it. What wasn't expected was the sheer arrogance and rudeness displayed by people who were watching the performance.

The rules are quite simple I am fairly certain that I could teach them to a 4 year old. If the performance starts at 7:30pm then the idea is that you are in your seat and ready to watch the performance by 7:30pm. If you are late and I struggle to find many legitimate reasons then atleast have the grace and good manners not to allow doors to slam behind you. 

Even more so I did not expect to see the sheer arrogance displayed by certain people. At one point their was an announcement that if people did not return to their seats they would be prevented from seeing the next part of the performance.  Seriously? Who do these people think they are? There were people in the building of a far higher social standing that these people who managed to be sat waiting for these people to sit down and the performance to start. You know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Next when the lights go down for the performance to start, SHUT THE FUCK UP! It isn't rocket science. I haven't paid £80 to listen to you talking, I paid to watch an opera. Feigning offence when I give you a dirty look or tell you to shut up just makes you look even worse. The sheer amount of people who either can't work this out amazes me. Well it is either that or sheer arrogance in believing they are more important than anyone else and that the performance can wait for them. It is the single quickest way to wind me up and unbelievably rude.

Okay that is my rant about the stupid people over and done with. Now onto the arts and culture in general.  Life wouldn't be the same without the Arts, we all need it in our life! Apart from anything life would be very boring without it and in my case it keeps my sanity. In general the arts are open to all but what I need to talk about is the very best in the arts. 

My taste only really developed after I left school, I would probably say post 2001. Had I been able to access the arts earlier I would have probably reached this stage maybe 19 years ago? I personally believe I have started tasting the very best but I haven't been able to really immerse myself yet. The reason? Cost plus the minor fact that certain experiences should be shared.  I am currently the 30 something going to shows on my own I would rather not become the 40 something doing the same, especially if we are talking about the very best. Going back to my original point cost. Last night cost me in the region of £250 when I factor in the cost of travel, hotel, a meal and the ticket. Naturally had I been fortunate enough to have been going with someone we could add their ticket on top etc.

The best seats seemed to cost £75 each and from what I could see the cheapest tickets with a restricted view were around £22 plus booking fees of course. The mid price tickets being around £50. My point being that it is expensive going to the opera. With the cost involved it does tend to restrict who can go. How is a future generation supposed to support the arts if they can't access such works when growing up? 

The arts generate huge amounts money which can only be a good thing for the economy.  How much longer will this continue if we have this apparant glass cealing when it comes to the arts? I want to experience the very best but not at the price it is. Is this where we have the social divide when it comes to the arts? The elite being the only ones that can experience the very best in all of its glory?

On the 22nd March the Royal Opera House is broadcasting the ballet Romeo and Juliet via cinemas which I think is a fantastic approach to this issue. I can (and will be paying) pay £20 to go and see the performance at my local cinema. Great I get to go to the ballet and I don't have to mortgage my sole to see it.  I might even be able to go for some food and still have change out of £50. It is the best and possibly the only approach we have to this problem at the moment.

As I was in London I did look at buying a ticket for myself but pretty much the entire performance was sold out. I do believe at one point there were a few odds and ends when it came to tickets. Why didn't you go I hear you cry? Quite simply the price!  I am reasonably comfortable paying £80 for a ticket, maybe even £100 at a push but the cheapest single ticket I could find was £180 rising to £400+  So for two of us if I could actually find 2 tickets I am looking at a weeks wages rising to nearly a months wages for the better tickets. I suppose I could spend £100 and become a friend so I get priority booking. Is it worth the risk? I really don't know! Perhaps if my boss gives me a large bonus then this wouldn't be an issues. I could be approaching this wrong? Perhaps I should be satisfied with the opportunity of going to watch a performance at the cinema rather than at the venue? Isn't it human nature to want more? The very best would be nice occasionally!

At this point I think I may need to do a life adjustment exercise. Perhaps this is my mid life crisis? I just want to go to the ballet! Wah and all that! Cheaper than a sports car, less likely to end up in bankruptcy and a far better chance of getting laid at the end of the night I suppose. I would have to get someone I was actually seeing to go with me first and that is a whole different blog post. I don't exactly have people falling over themselves to go on a date with me, let alone sleep with me. (no this isn't a plea)

Back to my point going to see the very best and I assume that if you are performing at places like the Royal Opera House you are the best, is bloody expensive! It isn't accessible to the vast majority of people.

When is randomness not random?

I know I need to write a blog but haven't got a clue what to say so I am going to write a whole load of random statements, make of them what you will.

•  Making huge statements in the most subtle ways since 1977
•  Beethoven symphony No9
•  Aida
•  €5 euro note
•  Arm that is getting worse
•  Chocolate, Mojito, rice pudding, truffles (not the chocolate fuckwits)
•  Humour as a diversion
•  Personal hell on continuous loop
•  Bonding
•  Grapefruit
•  Physical pain doesn't control emotional pain.
•  Secret protest
•  Hand written letters
•  Sleeping on a linen pillow case
•  Fearless, what is fear?
•  Drinking until you pass out, cutting, bruising, burning what is the difference? 
•  Actions or words? meaningless gestures or lies.
•  What is life without music, arts and culture?
•  Flashbacks, fucking flashbacks and brain farts
•  The strongest person I know is also the weakest person that I know.
•  Accents, tall, red.
•  Giving to charity a selfless gesture or a way of easing guilt?
•  Disgrace
•  Books, CDs
•  Why? 
•  Paradox, peace, pain.
•  A book, ballet shoes, painting, pictures, documents all have one thing in common.
•  Baby I tried.
•  Home
•  Displaying, food, fucking food!
•  Hug?
•  Bitterness, alone, being rejected by the planet, faith.
•  What the fuck is faith?
•  Gold
•  Happiness, love, life, sex, marriage, compassion
•  Politicians, governments, laws, rules. Control and order?
•  Woollen hat, colourful like a rainbow

Normal service will be resumed shortly!  Thanking you muchly.

It is going to be one of those weeks

Sat at work today I finally realised just how hard I am finding the run up to March 8th this year. It hurts like hell to the point that I don't know what to do.  I know that this year I don't want to be in Norwich, read that as I can't face being in Norwich. Nope scratch that I am likely to be dangerous to myself, the rather large bruise on my arm is a telling sign of what is going on.

I have decided to go to London as it can provide the constant distractions that I need. Yes I am going to be on my own, alone in a city full of people.  It isn't the first time and most certainly won't be the last time knowing the way my life is going.  No this isn't a woe is me post, never have done and never will do.  One has standards to maintain and all that. Plus I am not sure if I could cope with the way that I would punish myself at the moment.  

I am tearing myself apart, alone, feeling lost and struggling. Blah blah blah etc.  I need to get myself through this week and I am really not sure how I am going to do it without laying into myself or loosing my temper in the most evil way possible with those people who seem to be going out of their way to wind me up. Believe me today I have had to use a huge amount of self control with certain people today.

As per normal I will get myself through, I just need to let people know what is going on.

Michael xx

Charity

I have said this before and I will keep on saying this until my voice is hoarse.  We are brilliant when it comes to charity.  No seriously you are amazing, generous people.  A major disaster, emergency appeal or an annual fund raising appeal like Children In Need and you all come running.  There is a community spirit and we don't need politicians to make it happen.  I will say it again you are all amazing! Even my employer (who will remain nameless) gets in on the action.  They make me seriously proud of them at times with the things they do.  Feeling proud of yourself yet? You should be!

So with all of the sheer awesomeness that is going on my question to everyone is why are we being let down by those who govern us?  I firmly believe that our government is letting the side down.  I know that they give billions of our taxes away in aid and I will come back to that in a moment.  I am talking about making easier to support charities.  

Companies can write off charitable donations against tax.  Individuals who make major donations to charity can do a similar thing. What about people like you and I?  Why not do a similar thing for us?  I know that we can gift aid our donations but what I am talking about is more than this.  How about any donations over £100 to a maximum of £1000 can be claimed against the personal allowance in the next tax period.  So if a person donates £500 to a charity then their personal allowance increases by a similar amount next year.  Combine this with gift aid everyone is on to a winner.

I distinctly remember reading in the news about the government looking at the possibility of people being able to donate via cashpoints. What happened to that?  You can top up mobile phones via cashpoints so why not donate money?  The government seems to be hyper keen on the cuts but still hasn't made it any easier for people to donate. Lets be honest as a result of some very savage cuts, charities need our help and support more than ever. 

Finally and possibly the most controversial point.  I believe the government needs to look very hard (in which I mean a huge amount more than they claim they are doing)  at aid and where it is going.  We can't afford to be as generous as we used to be with our money.  There are nations and people that desperately  need our assistance and this should be given without delay but within our means.  I do however question giving massive amount of aid to nuclear armed countries.  Something isn't quite right when a country can afford to maintain and operate a nuclear arsenal but can't afford to feed or educate its population. I am told that aid is given with stipulations but that isn't the point when you have people in your own country in dire need and charities are loosing funding left, right and centre.

I am calling on the government to refocus its priorities with regards to aid, to take more urgent steps to redress the imbalance with funding for charities and to make it easier for everyone to support charities.

Compassion

Some of you may have noticed the other day that I posted that I was missing Michaela. I am not normally that open about whom I am missing or want to be with, normally I will post I miss my family. This time because of what was happening I felt the need to be specific as to whom I was missing. 

I had spent the last couple of weeks surrounded by a sorrow that I couldn’t remove or lift. Believe me when I say this I tried everything in my arsenal including I am afraid to say pain which resulted in the usual amount of bruising when my frustration boiled over.  Yes I am surrounded by a sorrow and I give myself a thoroughly good kicking yet again. 

For some reason my brain had decided to go over some of the more vicious events that I have been through in my life. I can only assume it was to try and repair some of the damage caused by these events. Not really very helpful at the start of the year but hey that is me for you. I am told the reason I was missing her more and more is that I needed comfort, more that what I was allowing myself or perhaps a different type of comfort who knows. Either way I wasn’t giving myself the comfort and compassion that I apparently needed.

I had a lengthy discussion about this today where I admitted that in times like this I am quite hard on myself. I admitted that the reason I am like this with myself is so I can keep on moving.  I fear what would happen if I stopped, I also fear what would happen if I started self pitying. Knowing myself If I thought I had started self pitying them I would be brutal with myself, vicious would be an understatement. As well as the usual 101 methods of inflicting pain and suffering on myself it wouldn’t be the first time that I have used public humiliation as a tool. 

I allow myself a certain amount of comfort but I am told I need to learn self compassion. Compassion for others I can do and have done on a regular basis, some of the things I have done are well known. Compassion for myself is who different ball game. I honestly haven’t got a clue on this one I am afraid.  How much comfort and compassion should one give ones self?  If we are talking about more than a bowl of rice pudding, breakfast out or a trip to the cinema then I am at a loss.  Also bearing in mind that the vast majority of the damage caused can’t be fixed should I actually be giving myself comfort and compassion?  Isn’t that like using a plaster to plug a gaping wound?

I am sure as per normal I will work out what is needed to sort this out.  Either that or I will minimise and beat it down to the point that I can ignore it and move forward with my life.

Enough already!

My name is Michael and I am a human being, a mere mortal if you wish. Now if you were to believe some people around me then absolutely everything is my fault as I was reminded recently for the billionth time by the same person. I am not talking about just the odd occasional mistake that a person may make in their daily lives. If you are to believe these people I have some sort of magical superpower that means I have complete and utter control over other people which means their numerous failures are down to me.  They are icons of perfection so couldn't possibly do anything wrong.  It even goes as far as situations that I have no control or influence over, they mess up and regardless of what happens to me it is my fault. It is no joke to say that I can go above and beyond, stand in front when most people would cower and you guessed it anything happens and it is my fault.

Being a stubborn person with a tiny amount of self esteem and confidence I used to spend a huge amount of time and effort arguing we these people, putting my side of the argument and showing them that I wasn't in the wrong but quite frankly it got boring.  When I say boring I am talking about mind numbingly boring. It is a predictable broken record routine, although admittedly not as predictable as they are. It does my brain in. I tried smiling sweetly and ignoring them in the hope that they would go away, that didn't work. My latest method is to agree with them. I find this tends to keep them happy and makes them shut up quicker. They think that they have proven a point, in their tiny minds they continue to think that they are superior to me. It keeps them happy and gives me a bit of peace and quiet so I can concentrate on the important things in life.

I am able to accept the consequences of my actions, I am able to stand up and take responsibility for my actions especially when I mess up, I know how and when I should apologise to people, I don't feel the need to blame others when something goes wrong and I certainly don't think I am superior to others. If I can do all of these normal things then my question to you people is why the f**k can't you? Seriously if you are supposed to be professional then try acting like it.