Eek!

Situation, I had what can only be described as a good time in London on 8th March and now I hate myself even more. This in itself is an achievement in both cases but the later is where I have a major problem. I hate myself but I haven't got a clue what to do about it.

Most people will tell you that you learn to live with the pain but when it comes around to the anniversaries  it isn't about coping, it is about surviving and preferably intact. My brain for some unknown reason also decided it was time to repair the huge amount of damage also caused by numerous events.  This year I knew that if I stopped at home I was going to be bang in trouble. I am not suicidal but quite simply had I stopped at home I would have made a mess that would have taken a large amount of time to clear up. I would have fucked myself over in a way that only I could have done.

Now on top of that it had come to the point that I needed to properly reward myself for surviving, the things I have done, my achievements and for being me. So I toddled off to London for a few days. I ate good and at times stunning food, I shopped and treated myself, I went to the opera. March 7th I knew that I had made the right decision and on March 8th after going to Westminster Cathedral I didn't allow myself to stop.  I threw everything I had at myself in only the best possible way, the only way that would have improved it was for someone to share it with me.

Getting home on Friday I realised that I had done what I needed to do and I had a good time.  My next thought was fuck!  Now what do I do with myself. I am not allowed a good time!  My self hatred has gone to a whole new level, I had no one to turn to. 

Yes I have calmed things down but I still haven't resolved the problem I have.  Due to the numerous events over the last several years I am fully able to deal with things when they go wrong, emergencies, disasters and the very worst in people.  I still haven't mastered how to deal with things when they go well. I get thrown when people pay me compliments so when things go really well I go into meltdown which appears to be happening now.